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How many times had he asked that of Gott? Enough times to fill his barn.
He leaned his hands on the cold porcelain of the sink and stared at his reflection in the mirror. What was wrong with him that he was still hurting after all this time? Gott should be all sufficient for him, so why this empty place still inside? He’d given over his anguish and disappointment each day many, many times, yet every morning they were back like old friends to keep him company.
Too bad Kathleen didn’t have something in her medicine bag to fix his heart. What ailed him couldn’t be remedied by human efforts. Only by Gott.
But somehow, Kathleen’s return had helped. Strange.
It was time. Raising the shears once again, he snipped one clump of whiskers after another.
* * *
After helping to clean up the kitchen, Kathleen sat with her family in the living room for the evening devotional. The hymns rattled around in her brain. She stumbled over the once-familiar words. They would come back to her.
She had missed this time of day to connect with her family. The last fourteen years of evenings had been spent either poring over medical texts, working in a hospital, or sleeping after coming off a double or triple shift. Exhaustion had been her constant companion. The slower pace of life would be a welcome change as well as the routine of a regular schedule, knowing what to expect from one day to the next.
After the Bible reading, discussion and closing prayer, Dat said, “Time for bed.”
Her younger siblings all stood, as did Kathleen. “Where will I be sleeping?”
Ruby put her arm around Kathleen’s shoulder. “Your bed’s still in our room.”
Mum tucked her sewing into her basket. “Benjamin took your things up earlier.”
Kathleen patted her sister’s hand. “I’ll be up in a few minutes.”
Her brothers and sisters tromped up the stairs, and Kathleen sat back down. She wanted to remain standing but didn’t want her parents to feel as though she were lording over them.
Dat leaned forward with a warm expression. “We can’t tell you how pleased we are to have you back. We prayed for you every day while you were gone.”
“I felt them. Knowing you were praying helped me make it through.”
Mum leaned forward. “We wanted to write more.”
“I know.” Kathleen had received letters the first year or so, then came the letter that said it would be the last. The bishop had requested that they not write her anymore because it would encourage her wayward behavior. Though she hadn’t understood the bishop’s reasoning, the letter hadn’t been a surprise. He would be the toughest of all to convince of the worthiness of her plan.
Dat continued. “We always respected that you needed to make your own decisions.”
The point of Rumspringa. But she had taken it to an extreme by staying away for fourteen years, just short of half her life, though it felt like more. She wished it hadn’t had to be so long, but it had been a necessity to earn her medical degree.
“We appreciate you telling Samuel to call you Kathleen. We must ask you not to refer to yourself as Doctor around the younger ones. They might get the idea we condone your actions and wish it for them as well.”
She knew that was a concern and made what she was about to ask all that much harder for them to agree to.
Mum spoke up. “We’re proud of you and don’t want to tell you what to do. You must make your own choices, but we don’t want the others encouraged to do the same. You were always strong-minded and strong in your faith. I always believed that you would return home.”
Her dat cautioned her further about the church leadership being displeased with her actions. Was Noah disapproving of her actions as well? She hoped not.
She took a deep breath. “I have a request to make.” Her parents waited for her to continue, and she did. “I need a place to set up my clinic.”
Both her parents leaned back stiffly in their seats.
She hurried on before they could turn her down before hearing her plan. “I want permission to build a small clinic in the side yard. You won’t have to do anything. I’ll get all the materials and organize the building of it.”
After her parents stared at each other for a moment, her dat spoke. “What about the church leaders?”
She’d hoped to start building before they realized what she was up to, but she could see that wouldn’t be possible. “I’ll speak to them after the next community Sunday service. But until then, there wouldn’t be anything wrong with putting up a small building on the property. I would like to start staking it out tomorrow.”
After a moment of silence, Dat said, “I suppose it would be all right to stake it out, but nothing more until you get approval.”
He’d said until and not if. He must believe she would get it. “Danki.”
“And community church is in three days.”
Three days? Kathleen had hoped she was returning with more than a week to polish her planned speech to the leaders. But she supposed that was for the best. No point in putting it off. The sooner she got started the sooner she could start helping people. She went up to bed.
Ruby and Jessica, though in bed, were sitting up, waiting for her. She removed her kapp and readied herself for bed.
“Tell us all about living in the English world. What was it like going to university?”
“It was very lonely. People go about doing all manner of things and don’t have time for others. They stare at their phones all the time, even when they’re talking to you. They bustle around at a frenzied rate. I could hardly catch my breath.” Dat and Mum couldn’t have issues with that. Nor the bishop. She had told the truth. “Every day I wanted to be back here with all of you.” She flipped the switch on the wall to turn off the light and climbed into bed.
She smiled to herself. How could something like electric lights and electricity make her feel spoiled? After living in the English world for so long, there were some conveniences she didn’t want to give up.
She should thank whoever decided solar panels would be a gut thing in her Amish community. So many communities didn’t allow electricity in any form. Electricity wouldn’t distract people from being close to Gott but help their lives be easier so they could focus more on Him.
Her eyes popped open in the dark. Those weren’t Amish thoughts. Watch out, Kathleen, or you’ll appear too English. Then Noah would disapprove.
Chapter Three (#u1c888003-8add-5727-8177-f57cd49f26e4)
Kathleen woke at five with the image of Noah Lambright at the forefront of her mind. She had been unable to sleep any longer, her nerves on edge. Because she hadn’t been around her people for so long, had she grown slack in using careless words? Would she say something inappropriate for her Amish brethren? Would she say something to Noah—or someone else—beyond repair? There seemed to be so many ways she could slip up. Lord, guard my lips so I don’t say anything that will make another stumble in their faith.
She climbed out of bed, dressed quietly in a green dress and tiptoed downstairs. In the first-floor bathroom, she wrangled her hair and pinned it to the back of her head then pulled on her white kapp. She would ask Mum if she was putting her hair up right.
Coffee. She required coffee. She put water and grounds in the machine and turned it on. How she’d come to depend on caffeine. Most days, she literally lived on it. She should wean herself down to one or two cups in the morning. For today, she needed to get started right away to rid herself of the caffeine headache already edging its way in. She thanked the Lord again for electricity.
Her first order of business would be to stake out her clinic in the side yard.
As the coffee maker finished filling, Dat entered the kitchen. “I thought I heard someone up. I knew it wasn’t your mum. She’ll be down in a minute.”
She held up a cup and the carafe. “Want some?”
“Of course.”
Kathleen filled the mug and handed it to him. She filled a second cup and set it on the table for Mum. Then poured one for herself and added two teaspoons of sugar. Too hot to drink. She breathed in the aroma and could feel the caffeine taking effect already. Was Noah drinking coffee at this moment as well? She dared a small sip of the hot brew. “Dat, do you have stakes and string I could use to plan my clinic?”
“In the barn. I’ll put them on the front porch along with a hammer after I finish my before-breakfast chores.”
A thrill went through her. He hadn’t said ne. “Danki.”
Mum came into the kitchen. “I thought I smelled coffee.”
Kathleen pointed to the cup on the table. “That one’s cooling for you.”
“Danki, dear.” She brought it to her face and inhaled deeply, much as Kathleen had done. Some family ties stayed with a person regardless of time and distance.
Dat swigged down the rest of his coffee. “I’ll go milk. Be back soon.” He walked out.
She turned to Mum. “How does he do that without scalding himself?”
Mum chuckled. “I think he turned his mouth and throat to leather so many years ago, he can’t feel hot or cold anymore. It’s a wonder he can taste anything at all.” Her mouth exploded into a smile. “I can’t believe you’re finally home.” With her cup still in hand, she stepped forward and hugged Kathleen.
“I can’t believe it either.”
Mum released her and wiped her own eyes with her fingertips. “I didn’t expect you to be up already. I thought maybe you’d sleep in.”
Sleep had eluded her most of the night. It had been a long time since a full eight hours was available for her to sleep. Her body wasn’t used to it. It would take time, but she would adjust. “I’m not used to staying in bed for more than three or four hours at a time.”
“That’s awful. How can you function with so little sleep?”
Kathleen raised her cup aloft. “A lot of caffeine.”
“Fresh air and hard work will correct that.”
Kathleen nodded. But this work would be easy compared to sixteen- and twenty-four-hour shifts on her feet with only the occasional power nap.
“Mum, could you show me how to put my hair up right? I’m afraid I’ve lost my touch, being away so long.” Many days, she’d used a plastic claw clip or had her hair looped through a scrunchie under her kapp. Things real Amish women would never do, but she’d usually been too pressed for time. Necessity forced her to find shortcuts. But her hair had always been up and covered. She would not be able to take such measures now.
“Of course. But it’ll need to wait until after breakfast.”
“I don’t want Ruby or Jessica to know.”
Mum nodded. “With your kapp on, it’s fine for now.”
“Danki.”
After breakfast, Dat and the boys left to do their work, and Mum sent Ruby and Jessica out to the garden. Mum grabbed a chair from the table and guided Kathleen to the bathroom. Kathleen sat, facing the mirror.
Mum removed Kathleen’s kapp and studied her hair. “You’ve done pretty well. I’ll show you how to make it neater.” She pulled the hairpins out. Then, with a spray bottle of water and expert fingers, she twisted the front hair to keep the short hairs under control and wound the rest on the back of Kathleen’s head.
Kathleen studied each of Mum’s actions so she could get it right on her own tomorrow. Whoever heard of a grown woman needing her mutter to put up her hair?
Mum replaced Kathleen’s kapp and patted her shoulders while gazing at her in the mirror. “There you go.”
“Do I look like a proper Amish woman now?” Would Noah approve? Why had she thought of him?
Mum smiled. “Very proper. One more thing—and you’re going to like this—buttons!” She pointed to the buttons down the back of her own dress. “A couple of years after you left, they were approved as part of the Ordnung.”
Kathleen had noticed them but hesitated to say anything. She feared it was one of those things that wasn’t quite approved but people did it anyway and others overlooked the infraction. The numerous pins holding her own dress in place poked her sometimes. The one on her left side at her waist was particularly bothersome this morning. She mustn’t have gotten it tucked in just right.
“Only white or black buttons. And they must be plain and five-eighths of an inch—no bigger, no smaller.”
A long-overdue change. A few women had even started using them before Kathleen left. She didn’t understand why such a specific size. Would half of an inch or three-quarters of an inch be a sin?
She chided herself. There went those stray Englisher thoughts again. The wrong size buttons would be a sin only because as a church member, one promised to abide by the Ordnung. To go against that promise would be disobedience. And disobedience was sin. She needed to get her thinking straight if she was ever going to have a chance at convincing the leadership to allow her to practice medicine in their community. And then there was Noah. For some reason, his opinion of her mattered almost as much as her family’s. Strange.
Think like the Amish. Think like the Amish.
Kathleen pushed thoughts of their handsome neighbor aside.
Mum grabbed a produce basket from beside the door. “Let’s go help Ruby and Jessica.”
“I was going to stake out my clinic. Dat’s put what I need on the porch.”
Mum tilted her head. “Can’t that wait? Your sisters will want to spend time with you. Get to know you.”
Kathleen wanted to get reacquainted with her sisters as well. How much could she really accomplish before she got approval? Not much. Now she was glad church was only a few days off and headed out to the garden with Mum. Young plants rose healthily from the dirt.
Ruby worked the row to one side of Kathleen. “Tell me about going to university.”
Again with this question. Hadn’t her answer last night been sufficient? Kathleen could feel Mum’s gaze on her back. “It was very hard work. I never felt as though I was doing things right.” Her parents couldn’t have issue with that. The truth, yet not encouraging.
Giggling came from down the row Jessica was in.
“What’s so funny?” Mum asked.
Jessica shook her head.
Kathleen went on. “The professors had particular ways they wanted assignments completed. Other students didn’t like it if you got a higher grade than them. Most everyone didn’t think I belonged.” Most of the time she hadn’t felt as though she belonged either. In truth, she hadn’t belonged. This was where she belonged, and yet, she felt out of place here as well.
Jessica giggled again.
Mum straightened. “You can’t keep all the fun to yourself.”
Jessica bit her lip before she spoke. “She has an accent.”
Kathleen straightened now. “In Deutsch?” She knew she did in English.
Her youngest sister nodded.
She turned to Ruby and Mum. Both nodded. Then Mum said, “It doesn’t matter.”
But it did. It would make her stand out. She didn’t need more things to give the church leaders reason to question her Amish integrity. Straightening, she determined to eliminate her accent. She’d thought she could easily slip back into this life without effort. Evidently not. Fourteen years was a long time to be absent. What else of her Amish life had been whittled away? Had Noah Lambright noticed her accent? Noticed she wasn’t completely Amish anymore? Would everyone? She would work extra hard to make sure she once again looked, sounded and acted Amish. And thought like an Amish.
* * *
At midmorning, Noah rode into the Yoders’ yard. He wasn’t sure why he’d come. He’d just sort of ended up there.
A woman stood in the side yard pounding a stick into the grass with a hammer.
