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Logan drew a labored breath. The guy must be going through hell.
“You never go anywhere without your Charmin.”
Jackson patted Logan none too gently on the back, hoping it would help him regain his equilibrium. “T.P. has many uses beyond what it’s sold for. Remember that time I bandaged Whitey’s blistered hands with it? Or when I used it to start a fire when we were back-burning in Wyoming?”
“I find it hard to believe—” Logan looked up with a weak grin “—that you only brought twelve rolls when you were scheduled to be there a year. What did the mighty Golden do without his handy-dandy Charmin?”
“I bought six copies of the newspaper every week.”
Logan’s grin broadened. “Russia was quite an experience for you, man.”
“It’s good to be back in the States.” It would be better to be home with Lexie.
JACKSON’S TRUCK BOUNCED over ruts in the dirt and gravel road that wound between tall pines on what had been his and Lex’s property. Tossed about as if in white water, Jackson was reminded of how much Lexie hated the ruts. It was the first thing she fixed outside after the spring runoff. Only, she hadn’t gotten around to fixing them this year.
He could offer one big guess as to why she hadn’t. Their baby.
Jackson drove out of the grove and onto the main property. There was nothing like the sight of home—a red barn that had seen better days and, up on the hill, a small ranch house painted bright green. A dog barked somewhere and Heidi ran toward his truck, ponytail flying out behind her as she raced through the knee-high grass.
“Dad!” she cried, waving. The smile cracking her face was as broad as his.
Jackson parked in the middle of the drive and jumped out of the truck to catch her hurtling herself at him. He didn’t think he’d ever tire of hugging his little girl.
“I have so much to tell you.” Heidi looped an arm around his waist, tugging him up toward the house.
“You have all the time in the world, Runt. I’m home.” Jackson’s throat tightened on the words. How he wished that were true. He held his daughter close. He could just picture himself walking up the hill and having Lexie run down to meet him halfway, throwing herself into his arms with the same enthusiasm Heidi had shown.
Jackson glanced up toward the house and took a deep breath. Heidi still loved him. He would make things right with Lex.
“We’ve been so busy.” Ever the drama queen, Heidi hopped a few steps ahead of Jackson to command his complete attention. She held up her forefinger. “First, the most major of bummers. Our VCR is broken, so no movies all summer.”
Heidi popped up a second finger. “Then there’s Rufus the Re-pro-bate, as Mom calls him.”
Rufus was the chocolate Lab that Jackson had bought Heidi the week before he left for Russia. The scrappy puppy had been all belly, with big soulful eyes and soft fur. Jackson had picked the pup out of the litter because he admired his spunk.
“Rufus is a bad dog,” Heidi proclaimed in an ominous tone. “He chases gophers, which is good. But he doesn’t catch them, which is bad. He leaves lots of gigantic holes in the yard.”
Jackson reached over, rubbed Heidi’s shoulder, and tried not to think about Lexie’s reaction to a dog demolishing her precious backyard. Lexie had worked her fingers to the bone making that forty-by-sixty-foot plot resemble a well-groomed yard like most of their friends in Boise had. Jackson didn’t understand it. They lived in the middle of the National Forest, not a suburb. Who needed tamed, trim grass and shrubs?
Heidi held up a third finger. “And who could forget Marmy.”
“Who?”
“The orange-and-white kitten you gave us with Rufus. Mom called her Marmalade, but now we just call her Marmy. She doesn’t poop in the corners anymore when she comes inside, but she still brings Mom field mice. And they’re not always dead.” Heidi was almost squealing with excitement. Her dimples deepened. “Mom screams loud enough to be in the movies.”
Heidi dissolved into giggles, eliciting a smile from Jackson. He could appreciate the humor of it all. But did two pets that were nothing but trouble bode well for his case with Lex?
“Mom’s resting. She has to do that a lot. I wouldn’t want to be her for anything.”
“Is something wrong?” Jackson tried to keep his voice steady.
“She’s just tired.” Heidi tugged on Jackson’s arm, pulling him up the hill and closer to the house. “So smile and make nice. If she’s still in one of her moods, I’ll offer to bake her some cookies and you can take out the trash.”
“She’s in one of her moods?” Jackson wasn’t so sure that he wanted to be rejected twice in the same day. In fact, he couldn’t face Lex without arming himself with the proper defenses. More gifts. That’s what he needed.
Jackson resisted Heidi’s tugging. “Hey, what do you say we do a little shopping while your mom rests?”
“Shopping? Clothes shopping?” Heidi clasped her hands to her chest and leaned against Jackson. “Need you ask?”
“Go ask your mom and hustle back out.” Maybe if he gave Lexie a little time to get used to him being home, she’d come around to his way of thinking. Getting married again was the logical move.
Jackson glanced over at the house, longing to go inside. If Lexie acknowledged him when Heidi came back out, he’d talk to her—calmly, patiently and with a reassuring smile that would cover the fact that he was feeling anything but calm or patient.
He braced himself with a smile when Heidi pushed open the screen door and came back outside, but the door banged closed behind his little girl as firmly as if Lexie had shut him out herself.
“What did she say?”
“Mom said it was okay. She asked how you were doing and said to make sure I got some low-rise jeans.”
All Jackson heard was that Lex had asked about him. For a moment, hope flared.
Then a silent Heidi blinked up at him innocently.
Too innocently.
Jackson’s eyes narrowed. “She didn’t ask about me, did she?”
“Well, she wanted to,” Heidi hedged.
Tilting his head back, Jackson stared at the clouds gathering in the blue sky above him. “And the low-rise jeans?”
“That was a definite no.”
CHAPTER THREE
“LOOK OUT!”
The screen door banged open, jerking Lexie awake just in time to see a large, brown streak bounding toward her. Rufus leaped at Lexie’s feet, narrowly missing Marmy, who scampered away down the hallway with the brown pursuer hot on her heels.
“Rufus, no!” Jackson yelled, as he and Heidi followed the Lab into the living room. “Sorry, Lex. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” Lexie took a deep breath and rubbed her tummy, which had clenched tight at the prospect of forty-five pounds of dog landing in her lap. Her heart was racing. The baby kicked her ribs once. And again. Then started a drumroll.
Jackson gave Lexie a once-over, which did nothing to slow her pulse.
“Sorry about that, Lex. He wormed his way past us.”
“I’m fine, really.” She’d feel better once he quit looking at her. Lexie rubbed the numb spot that the baby was pounding.
“Mom, look at all this stuff we bought.” Heidi sank to the floor near Lexie, sharing her treasures, the drama of their entrance already fading. “I promised Dad I wouldn’t wear any of it until school.”
Heidi shook out three blouses in rapid succession. Lexie barely had time to look at them before her daughter brought out another shopping bag.
“And new jeans.”
“Blue jeans,” Lexie said wistfully, almost able to feel the thick denim on her legs. What she wouldn’t give to be able to pull on a pair of pants that didn’t have an elastic waistband. “Did you spend all of your father’s money?”
“Almost. We spent what was in my wallet, anyway.” Jackson shouldered open the door, carrying an oblong box that looked suspiciously like stereo equipment. The box effectively distracted Lexie from gazing too long at Jackson’s muscular arms.
Rufus returned, shoving his nose repeatedly under Lexie’s arm until she petted him. He gave her a pink-tongued grin.
“Who’s that for?” Lexie asked, keeping her eyes on the box as Jackson set it on the floor. Her pulse had finally decided to return to something close to normal and the baby was peaceful once more.
Heidi folded her loot. “Dad bought a DVD player and he got five free movies, too. Isn’t it great? Now we can watch movies again.”
“All our movies are on video,” Lexie said, trying to catch Jackson’s eye. Between the electronics and the clothes, Jackson easily could have spent three hundred dollars or more.
That was just like Jackson. He never approached a problem head-on. He always worked his way in the back door. If he thought she was taking him back and returning to the same lifestyle—worrying about him nine months out of the year, sleeping solo in their king-size bed—he had another thing coming.
“Birdie rents DVDs at her grocery store,” Heidi pointed out. “Oh, and I forgot we picked up a pizza on the way back into town.” She shot out the door.
Jackson continued unpacking the box. “Heidi mentioned the VCR was broken, and you know it costs just as much to fix one as to buy one.”
“A VCR, sure. But not a DVD. Those are more expensive.”
“It’ll last a long time.” He began pulling out cords from behind the television as if he had every right to be rearranging her wires.
Heidi returned with the pizza and placed the box on the coffee table. “I’ll get you some milk, Mom, and napkins. Then can we watch a movie?”
Lexie sighed, giving in. “I suppose.” Eventually, she was going to have to learn to be in the same room as Jackson without letting herself long for his touch. For Heidi’s sake.
But eventually seemed a long time away.
“And you’ll be leaving after the movie,” Lexie added, when their daughter had disappeared into the kitchen.
“I can sleep on the couch,” Jackson said from behind the television, his denim-clad buns in clear view, just as toned and tight as ever.
“No, you can’t.” It was a mere twenty feet from the couch to their—her—bedroom. They used to joke about that. Twenty paces was not nearly enough distance between Lexie and temptation. If it weren’t for Heidi, she’d send him on his way right now.
“How’ve you been feeling?” Jackson turned his head and smiled at her.
She told herself it was the same smile he’d always had, but something about him seemed tired and drained.
“I’ve been better.” The bleeding had been scary the first few times it happened several months ago, but she’d become used to it. And the nausea had returned a few weeks ago, which was unpleasant. Yet, all of this hardship was bearable when she compared it to shutting Jackson out of her life. That’s how she measured this pregnancy—against the void in her heart. Asking her husband to leave and sticking to her decision had been the hardest thing she’d ever had to do. Everything else—even this difficult pregnancy—was easy by comparison.
“Are you getting all the rest you need?” he asked.
“What did Heidi tell you?” Lexie glanced back toward the kitchen, then sighed. Jackson needed to know about the health of this child. He deserved to know about the child they’d lost, too, but she wasn’t ready to tell him that yet. “I’ve had to take it easy since my fourth month.” It seemed like forever. But then, it seemed like forever since she’d sat with Jackson and talked.
“I’m sorry about the things I said earlier.” He stood up straight and turned to face her, green eyes bright. “You caught me off guard.”
He really knew how to work her. She could feel her resolve softening “I suppose anybody would be upset to come home and find this—” she pointed at her belly “—waiting for them.”
His eyes bore into hers. “Are you sorry? About the baby, I mean.”
Lexie shook her head.
“Me, neither. It’s a gift, Lex.”
Speechless, Lexie cradled her belly with both hands.
Jackson ran his fingers through his long hair before admitting, “No matter how much I loved you, I couldn’t give you another baby. I knew that was hard on you.”
This was the real Jackson, the man he rarely showed to anyone else—sincere, open—nothing like the man he’d become when she’d asked him to leave—annoyingly upbeat.
“Is Heidi happy about the baby?”
“She’s excited.” This was the man she’d fallen in love with. The man her heart longed for. The walls around her heart weakened. “You know, she always wanted a brother or a sister. Growing up, I did, too.” Until she’d realized how messed up her life was. Welfare, social workers, humiliation, a father who hadn’t loved her enough to hang around. She’d contented herself with the stingy, conditional love her mother offered. Until she found Jackson and realized there were other kinds of love.
Only later did Lexie learn that even Jackson’s love was fragile and fleeting.
Heidi entered the living room, carrying a tray with three glasses. “I got everyone water. We’re out of milk.” This last was said somewhat testily, as if it was Lexie’s fault that they’d drunk the last of the milk.
Lexie experienced a twinge of guilt that she hadn’t been able to keep as much food in the house since she’d gone on public assistance.
“Start a movie, Dad,” Heidi commanded, sinking to the floor.
“And then your dad needs to leave. I’m sure he has lots to do,” Lexie said firmly.
Jackson stared at Lexie with such a haunted expression in his eyes that Lexie had to look away. She’d barred Jackson from her life for a reason. He’d buried the man she’d fallen in love with underneath a veneer of confidence and easygoing charm.
She just had to work harder to remember that what she was seeing now was only a rare glimpse of the man he’d once been.
THE TWITCHES CAUGHT LEXIE’S ATTENTION.
Propped against the couch at Lexie’s feet, Jackson had fallen asleep soon after the movie started. The twitching had begun about twenty minutes later. Still, he seemed fine, until the movie’s credits started to roll.
“Don’t. No.” Jackson muttered and turned his head from side to side. “Come back.”
“Is he having a bad dream?” Heidi asked.
“Don’t! Alek, no!” Sweat covered Jackson’s brow. His leg bucked, as if fighting to move.
“Mom?” Heidi scooted closer to Lexie.
“It’s just a dream.” Lexie put her arm around Heidi’s shoulders. She raised her voice. “Jackson, wake up. You’re dreaming.”
“The fire! Alek!” Jackson’s face scrunched up as if he were in pain.
