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‘Yeah, course. I mean, I think so.’ She gave me a look. I stared back. ‘I love Ben, and this time it already feels so different to how I felt with Alex. It’s like I’ve grown up and realised what’s actually important in a relationship. Plus, I just know myself so much better – I know what I want now. I am so different from old Georgia, it’s like I finally know who I am. At least, I think so. It has come as a bit of a surprise.’
‘You think so? Georgia, this is a big deal. You need to be sure.’ She paused. ‘I’m only asking because I was the one who saw how everything collapsed the last time. I never ever want that to happen to you again.’ She visibly shuddered.
I stuck my chest out. ‘It won’t. Ben loves me, and he obviously thinks we’re ready for this otherwise he wouldn’t have gone to the trouble of buying the ring –’
‘I just worry about you that’s all.’
I looked down at her swollen tummy. ‘Well, that makes two of us.’
‘You know I love Ben, and I think it’s great that you’re living together, but don’t you want to, I don’t know, just enjoy that part rather than dive headfirst into the crazy world of weddings?’ She must have caught my expression as she hastily added, ‘I’m thrilled for you – well I will be when it actually happens – it’s just I don’t want you to feel like you’re being rushed into big decisions all because you’ve seen a lovely shiny ring.’
‘He does have very good taste in jewellery,’ I mused. ‘I’m joking – it’s not just about the ring. I understand what you’re saying, it was a shock for me too. Of course, someday I could see us taking that big step, I just hadn’t realised that Ben’s someday was now.’
‘I also think you need to consider how this might affect Lonely Hearts, how your team will feel working for a husband and wife and the marital dramas that could spill over into your business decisions…’
I’d spoken to Marie many a time about how even though business-wise we were as thick as thieves, in terms of our relationship I sometimes struggled making it less about work and more about us. It was a hard balance made even harder when Ben was the type of person who kept his cards close to his chest, especially where his family were concerned. I still hadn’t even met any of the Stevens clan, something that would surely have to change before our big day.
I blew on my fingertips for warmth. A puff of breath, like smoke from a Heston Blumenthal recipe, escaped. ‘I guess it’s something we need to consider. I know we’re both focused on making sure we don’t only talk about work but it’s easier said than done, especially with him being so keen on us expanding to London.’
‘You not a fan of cockneys?’
I laughed. ‘It’s not that! It’s nothing against London or Londoners, it’s just a big decision and one I don’t think we’re ready for just yet. Yes, it could bring about a lot of money and new opportunities, but as much as the business is growing and making a healthy profit with the Manchester store, I don’t know if it would pay off taking on the stress and risk of having another venue in another city. Ben’s a dreamer, and he’s adamant it will work, whereas I’m trying to be more rational before making a call on it. It’s been hard recently, as this is the one area we don’t see eye to eye on.’
‘Bigger doesn’t always mean better,’ she said, then clapped her hand to her mouth. ‘Unless you’re pregnant!’
‘Yeah.’ I smiled and shook my head, also thinking about the gigantic dining-room table that had taken over our flat. ‘I don’t know. This London move is one decision, and a blooming big one at that, where we’re not singing from the same hymn sheet.’
‘I don’t know what the hell that means, but it sounds like you’re not exactly ready to be getting married to Ben if you can’t even agree on the direction you take your business.’ She raised her eyebrows and pulled her coat tighter. ‘It sounds to me like you need a plan. I know how much you love them!’
‘What, a plan to get my boyfriend to open up more and convince him the London move is not a good idea, well not any time soon anyway?’
Marie shrugged. ‘Maybe you need to get away from things for a bit? I don’t know, take a holiday or something before you make any big decisions on London or on your future as a couple. That way you can get out of Manchester and maybe by having a change of scene it will be easier for you to talk about where you’re going with this, and decide whether you’re ready to commit to him for ever and make lots of model good-looking babies?’
I scoffed. ‘I’ll leave the baby making to you for the time being. Although a holiday on some exotic, sun-drenched beach sounds idyllic right now.’ I nodded at the pathetic and unloved playground we’d made our way towards. A chipped and forlorn swing set wafted in the cold breeze; thankfully Cole was still in the land of nod, saving us from spending longer than needed in this depressing place. Is there anything sadder than a children’s play area without children playing in it? In the dull grey light, it seemed even more unloved, especially when framed by the lake with empty crisp packets and cans of Stella bobbing on the surface of the murky waters.
‘Hmm. You keep telling yourself that. I know you don’t want to hear it but your biological clock will soon be saying another thing.’
‘You’re sounding like my parents.’ I laughed and hooked my arm into hers for extra warmth. ‘So, back to you, are you getting nervous for the big day?’
‘What, the wedding?’ She looked at me in surprise.
‘No!’ I slapped a gloved hand to my forehead. What was it with all this wedding talk? ‘Marie, there is no wedding until you get engaged first.’
‘Oh yeah.’ She shrugged. ‘That’s just a slight bump in the road. Mike will ask me. I bet there’s been some scientific tests done to prove that more couples get engaged just after they’ve had a baby than at any other time in a relationship. I mean, at that point, the guys are just in total awe of you for pushing out their child in one piece from your lady parts. You can do no wrong.’
‘I have no doubt that he’ll be putting a ring on your finger before this year is out. But no, I was talking about the actual birth. Are you not slightly cacking your pants in fear of doing all that again?’ I rubbed her arms that had tensed against the bars of the pushchair. Cole’s birth hadn’t been easy. There had been complications and we had very nearly lost the pair of them, something that we’d long brushed under the carpet but that still sent a chill down my spine when I thought about it.
I’d never seen my best friend so distraught as when her newborn son was kept under observation for a few days after his dramatic arrival, and despite making what the doctors classed as a miraculous and speedy recovery herself, she had been in pieces that she was to blame for his terrifying entrance into the world. She’d tortured herself by staring at his tiny, fragile body attached to tubes and wires in the incubator, repeating that she hadn’t taken good enough care of herself during the pregnancy, that because she didn’t find out she was expecting until she was fourteen weeks gone, she had caused too much irreversible damage by drinking on a couple of nights out that we’d been on.
It was all bollocks, and the doctors could tell her until they were blue in the face that no one was to blame, it was just one of those things, but until Cole had grown strong enough to leave the sterile incubator and come home she didn’t dare relax. This was why she’d been so strict with herself during this pregnancy; everything had to be done by the book. It was something Mike had lost patience with a few times, telling her to stop stressing and start enjoying the whole thing, but Marie had been steadfast that this birth was going to make up for the experience she’d had with Cole – that it was going to go to plan and be as perfect as it could be.
I couldn’t tell if it was the grubby light of the park or if she had suddenly gone very pale. ‘Nah.’ She brushed a strand of her ruby-red hair off her face and swallowed.
‘Marie? It’s okay to be frightened,’ I said softly.
She stopped waddling and turned to face me. Tears had pricked her tired eyes and the tip of her nose was a raspberry pink from the cold air. ‘I’m shitting myself, Georgia. But I can’t let myself be scared. I’ve done it once so I know the score, but in a way that’s made it even more terrifying as I know exactly what to expect and, ignore the awful pun, but it’s not a walk in the park.’ She let out a laugh that I didn’t recognise as hers. Suddenly my bolshie fiery redhead regressed to the skinny-legged teen desperate to be an A plus student that I knew and loved. I wrapped my arms around her, difficult to do with the many layers she had on and the large bump between us.
‘It’s okay to be scared. But you’re going to nail it. I know you are.’
She sniffed and wiped her nose on the sleeve of her coat. ‘Thanks. I hope you’re right. Everyone says it’s worth the pain for what you get at the end of it, and I know that’s true, but at the same time it really fucking hurts! That’s what I mean about my body not being my own. I have no control over what’s going to happen to it when I go into labour and I just have to hope that it’ll do what it’s biologically designed to.’
I nodded fervently. ‘You will be amazing. Mike will probably propose to you right then and there at seeing what an awesome gift you’ve given him.’
Her lips curled into a slow smile. ‘It will get me out of doing the chores for a good couple of months, at the very least.’
I shook my head. ‘I seriously don’t know how you’re going to do it with two children under the age of four! I mean, I find just being in charge of me exhausting.’ I wished that I was half joking about this. ‘Stop laughing, I’m being serious! I still get spots, I use Google to find the answers to things way more than I probably should, and I don’t know how to correctly pronounce quinoa or what the hell it even is. Then here’s you totally nailing the yummy mummy thing. Soon you’ll be all National Trust memberships, Saabs and Waitrose cards!’
She laughed and patted my arm. ‘I doubt it! Anyway, your life is great, you know it is. It makes me jealous to remember being able to book a last-minute holiday, head out for drinks on a weeknight or even leave the house without some military-style plan. Just don’t leave it too long till you join my club. I mean maybe Lazy-Eye Lorraine is right. This whole birth thing is just so bloody magical.’
We both broke into peals of laughter and picked up our pace to head back to hers for a steaming mug of tea and some chocolate Hobnobs. As we trudged down the muddy path to the main road I just wasn’t sure why I felt niggling doubts creeping in. I loved hanging out with my best friend but she did have a habit of speaking the truth; at times this dose of reality was hard to swallow. Maybe Marie was right, maybe I shouldn’t think about marrying Ben when there were so many unanswered questions between us.
All the talk of babies made me feel itchy, a feeling that made me realise I wasn’t ready for children, not just yet, but marriage wasn’t a complete no-no. Although maybe Marie was right: as loved up as I felt we had only just moved in together and were still discovering things about each other. Maybe I needed to silence the ding dong of wedding bells in my head and think rationally about what this engagement would mean for us and the changes it would cause. When things were going so well why did any of it have to change?
CHAPTER 4 (#ulink_2d0d73bd-92d6-5c2d-bc19-8f5adf826f67)
Callow (adj.) – Immature or lacking adult sophistication
‘I still can’t believe you’re getting engaged!’ Shelley squealed.
I gave Marie a look.
‘What? I couldn’t not tell her.’ She put her arms up in defence.
‘Well, I’m not engaged yet,’ I said straightening my work skirt. ‘And please, please don’t mention it to Jimmy. I can’t have Ben finding out that I know and ruin the proposal he has planned.’ I winced.
Shelley placed my hands in hers and nodded firmly. ‘Scout’s honour. Ah, this is so exciting though! Where do you think you’ll get married? Ah, I know! What about Thailand? Where you met? I could just see the pair of you walking hand in hand down the white shores of Koh Lanta to tie the knot, then heading back to the Blue Butterfly for a knees-up after. I’m sure Dara would be thrilled to help out, plus Chef would make a fantastic wedding cake. Oh and then we could let off lanterns into the sky as you two have your first dance.’ She glanced at mine and Marie’s faces as if she’d missed the memo. ‘What? You don’t think it’s exciting?’
‘Yeah, course it is. I’m just a little wary after what happened last time.’ Since I’d left Marie’s I’d been thinking about what she’d said. She was right to be concerned. I did need to think with my heart and my head, rather than be blinded by the gorgeous ring that Ben was soon going to present to me.
‘Ah yeah, sure. But you two are made for each other. You can’t let the past rule your heart.’
I smiled at my Australian friend; we’d met when backpacking in Thailand and I couldn’t imagine my life without her in it. ‘I know; I am pretty disgustingly loved up at the minute.’
‘Living together is going well then?’ Shelley winked. ‘Well, apart from your giant dining-room table.’
I rolled my eyes. ‘Yeah, apart from that, it’s great!’
I still pinched myself that I had this amazing man as my boyfriend, plus I soon learned that Ben was well house-trained. This came as a shock as Alex had never used a vacuum cleaner or an iron before. He was spoilt by his mum who did everything and expected that his future wife would pick up the baton, which foolishly I did. Ben was so self-sufficient: cooking, doing the food shop without a list and detailed aisle plan of the supermarket, and even cleaning the bathroom without me pestering.
‘Wow, Jimmy can be such a slob, always leaving the loo seat up and used teabags near the bin. I sometimes threaten to not put out, which usually makes him slap on a pair of Marigolds!’ Shelley laughed. ‘Okay, so if Ben is thinking about marriage and you’re not totally averse to the idea then maybe you need to think of what’s missing to work out how you can get to the same level as him?’ Shelley suggested.
‘Yeah, like is there anything you want to know about him but don’t?’
‘Well, I haven’t met his dad yet, but it’s just because of logistics and finding the time, I think.’
‘Oh yeah, didn’t his mum abandon him?’ Marie remembered and clutched her chest at the thought.
‘Yeah.’ I shook my head sadly. ‘She left when he was little but I’ve never been able to get any more out of him than that.’
‘Well then, that’s something that needs to happen. You can tell so much about someone from what their parents are like, and what kind of relationship they have.’
‘Oh God, yeah! Remember when I was seeing that Shane?’ Marie asked me. Memories of being the third wheel as they sat snogging in a booth in a naff nightclub came rushing back.
‘Eurgh, I never liked him. Always thought he was a bit needy.’ I shuddered.
Marie raised her finger in the air. ‘Well, you were spot on, and it all stemmed from how he was with his mum. Seriously it was as if she was waiting to clamp him back on her breast whenever we went to his parents’ house. He was a complete mummy’s boy, and I don’t know about you, but that is such a turn-off. I swear he still kissed on the lips.’
‘Ewww!’ Shelley and I cried.
‘So that is why meeting your potential in-laws is so important.’
‘Okay, so after you’ve met his dad, then what?’
I scrunched my eyes up to think. ‘Well, I guess apart from meeting in Thailand we haven’t actually travelled anywhere together; all of our trips with work have been taken separately so we could cover the office.’
‘You have to do that! Anyway, you’ve got Conrad now – isn’t that what he’s there for, to watch the office whilst you two gallivant across the globe?’
I nodded slowly. Conrad was a blunt, brash Yorkshireman who we’d hired as office manager but seemed to turn his hand to anything that came his way, from consoling sobbing, heartbroken customers to standing his ground with surly maintenance men. He came highly recommended from another travel agency, had travelled the world in a previous life as cabin crew – which was something that I still couldn’t get my head round, especially how someone with his build could nip down the aisles without taking people’s eyes out. Plus, he loved to swear, made lewd and hilarious comments, which kept the team’s spirits high, and he called a spade a spade. He was the perfect addition to the ‘Lonely Hearts squad’, as Kelli called us.
Marie rearranged herself on the cushion she was sprawled across. ‘They say you never really know someone until you travel with them – he could be full of airport anxieties or one of those sunbed hoggers.’
I laughed. ‘I doubt Ben would be getting up at 4 a.m. to bagsy the best spot with his towel.’
‘Yeah, but you don’t know…’
Shelley began telling us about her friend whose holiday with her boyfriend ended in them breaking up over his wandering eye as he was more obsessed with the travel rep than his girlfriend. She had found them in bed together on the third day of the trip and had to spend the rest of the week eating with a kind, middle-aged Swedish couple who took her under their wing.
‘It can be a minefield. People think that when you go on holiday it will be this unrealistic romantic trip and all of the problems they had at home will disappear. The truth is, you bring them thousands of miles with you and they become even more magnified in this strange, unusual environment.’
‘But, if you can’t get along on some idyllic tropical beach when the only thing you have to worry about is applying more sun cream and which book to read next, then you won’t be able to get along anywhere. It is the ultimate test.’
I scoffed. ‘Yeah maybe, but Ben and I work together, we live together and we talk about travel all day, every day, so I honestly don’t think there will be any issues with us going on holiday.’
‘It could be good for you to get some time away to properly talk through all the London stuff that’s niggling you,’ Marie suggested.
I nodded. ‘Yeah, you’re both right. Our first couple’s holiday needs to be a priority on my to-do list. Oh, pass us a slice will you?’
I nodded to the pizza box on Shelley’s lap. Marie, Shelley and I were having a girly night in at Marie’s house. It was an impromptu night as I’d actually hoped I would be doing something with Ben. We’d hardly seen each other outside of work since dining-room-table-gate. We’d called a truce on it and both become skilled at literally – and figuratively – skirting around the thing.
‘So, where’s lover boy tonight?’ Shelley asked as if reading my mind. She was mid mouthful of pizza, the grease from the stuffed crust base glistening on her chin.
‘Out with a friend, I’m not sure where.’ I shrugged, picking off a rogue olive that had found its way onto my slice.
‘A friend?’ Shelley raised an eyebrow. ‘Well it’s not Jimmy as he’s taking some body blitz class in the gay village, which I know wouldn’t interest Ben in the slightest.’
‘He didn’t tell me where he was going, only that he was meeting up with an old friend as she’s just moved to Manchester.’
‘A she?’ Marie’s eyebrows were now at the same raised height as Shelley’s, both threatening to merge into their hairline. I nodded. ‘Your boyfriend, sorry, your soon-to-be fiancé has gone on a date with a girl you don’t know to a place you don’t know, and you’re okay with this?’
I rolled my eyes at the pair of them. ‘I trust him.’ Even after what had happened with Alex, I did trust Ben. It had taken a lot for me to get to this point, but we shared the most important thing in my life – our business – as well as our bedroom, and we wouldn’t have got this far without trust. ‘And it’s not a date. God, you two are so melodramatic sometimes!’
‘Yeah you might trust him, but are you not a little bit curious about her?’ Shelley had now finished off her slice and picked up my phone, like a woman on a mission. ‘Right, what’s her name?’
I laughed at the absurdity. ‘I’m not Facebook stalking her. I told you, I trust him.’
‘You’re not Facebook stalking, we are,’ Marie said, with her eyes alight at the prospect of some real-life gossip that wasn’t baby related. ‘Okay, name?’
They weren’t letting this go. They’d even paused an old episode of Sex and the City that had been on in the background to focus on the task in hand.
I sighed and closed my eyes, thinking. He’d only mentioned heading out in a passing comment, giving it as much thought as it probably deserved. But apparently, according to these two, these were things I was meant to get all psycho, bunny boiler on his ass about. This whole playing games thing was not something I was interested in; having a relationship and everything that comes with it in discovering each other’s boundaries was hard enough at times, let alone adding in this sort of crap.
‘You weren’t even a teensy bit intrigued to know more?’ Shelley pushed.
‘I honestly didn’t give it much thought. He mentioned it as we were both in-between speaking with clients, so I didn’t sit and analyse what he meant, no.’
‘I would have found out the girl’s bra size by the time he’d finished speaking,’ Marie said, without a hint of humour.
Maybe I should be more concerned, I began to think. Looking at their faces it seemed I should be taking this more seriously.
‘I don’t want to worry you or anything, but you did say that he’d been even quieter than usual recently,’ Marie piped up.
Damn, why did she have to have such an elephant memory? That was true, but I’d just put it down to him sulking over not being able to use a tape measure correctly or even that he had been silently plotting my elaborate proposal. Now I was worried.
‘Alice something,’ I said, suddenly remembering that when he had told me I’d thought it sounded like a pretty name.
‘Right, I’m on it,’ Shelley cried, automatically knowing my phone code and heading to the Facebook app, as Marie bit her bottom lip and rubbed her belly.
‘This is silly though, I mean, yeah he’s been a bit quieter recently –’
‘And you’ve been fighting about whether to open a London office or not,’ Marie called out.
‘Well, no, we haven’t been fighting.’ I turned to face her. ‘It’s just been a slight sticking point, that’s all, but it doesn’t mean he’s off having sex with old friends –’
‘Found her!’ Shelley grinned, forgetting that she wasn’t playing some TV quiz show but was actually digging up dirt on my own life. ‘Ah. Shit.’
‘What?’ I asked, craning my neck to see the phone screen. Marie gasped loudly and blocked my view as she leant forward to see what Shelley was pointing at. ‘What?!’
She slowly passed me my phone. Oh God. Alice was utterly gorgeous.
