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For a few months she could pretend she lived in this secure, traditional world. A husband and a house, and no stress about where the next meal was coming from. It was a sham, all of it, but she had a desperate need to belong somewhere, even for such a short time. But how could she explain that to this woman? Their family tree went back several generations, right here on this farm. She would never understand how displaced and alone Alex had been for most of her life.
“When Connor met me I was alone, working as a waitress, with no real home and a baby on the way.” She looked squarely into his grandmother’s eyes, and gambled that Connor had outlined their agreement already.
“This all took place because he wants to save Windover, plain and simple. Connor marries me so that he can access his trust fund. After the baby is born we’ll go our separate ways, and he’ll help support us until I can get my feet under myself again.”
She didn’t use the word “divorce”, even though it was the proper term. Somehow it seemed cold and hateful, even in a platonic marriage such as this. She did not look away from Johanna’s serious expression. Alex didn’t want to anger Johanna, but neither would she be a doormat, nor accused of being a gold-digger.
“And, to be clear, Connor approached me, not the other way around. I didn’t go looking for a sugar daddy, if that’s what you’re implying.”
“I think I already knew that.” Johanna’s eyes showed nothing of what she was feeling. “But I had to hear it anyway. You are doing this for your baby. What about the child’s father?”
Alex winced. Ryan had been charming—too charming. Alex had fallen for him quickly, absorbing the affection and attention into her love-starved soul. But deep down she’d known he wasn’t the keeper type. When she’d announced she was pregnant he had hit the door so fast she’d felt the draft. In another situation she would have said good riddance to bad rubbish. But this time was different. She was alone again, but with an innocent, precious baby to consider. One she was determined would have a stable, secure life.
“The biological father has no interest in parenthood, I’m afraid. He left me, and the baby I’m carrying.”
Johanna rose and took her cup to the sink. Turning back, she said softly, “What do you ultimately want, Alexis?”
A home. Again the answer came unbidden, and it wasn’t one she cared to share. This was only a temporary home and she had to remember that. What Connor had proposed would make it possible for her to build her own home, a safe, welcoming place for her child. A child who would always feel wanted and loved and a first priority. All the things her parents had tried to provide but somehow she’d missed.
“I want a good life for my baby. I want to make a home for us. I just want a place for my baby to feel loved and safe.”
Johanna walked over to the table and placed a hand on Alex’s shoulder. “That’s a damned good answer.”
Alex couldn’t keep up with the changes from friend to foe to friend again, and somehow knew she was failing this test miserably.
Johanna’s hand was warm on her shoulder, and Alex hadn’t known how much she’d missed simple human contact. Something about Johanna’s hand, firm and sure, sent feelings rushing up in Alex, and she struggled to hold them rippling beneath the surface. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d even been hugged. The older woman could never understand what a simple touch could do…
“Thank you,” she whispered, sweeping a few crumbs into her palm to try to escape the moment.
“How long has it been?”
Alex straightened. “Since what?”
“Oh, my dear, it’s obvious,” Johanna murmured, nothing but kindness softening her face. “Since someone loved you.”
The tears came so quickly, so completely unexpectedly, that Alex was powerless to stop them. Johanna came forward and tucked Alex into her embrace, and she cried into the older woman’s shoulder. Cried for the second time that week, when it had been years since she’d shed tears. Not once in the time she’d been alone had anyone acknowledged that she hadn’t been loved. Had anyone cared that she might be lonely and afraid. But she was. She was terrified of failing. Of not being enough for her child. She was frightened, quite simply, of the unknown future.
Her breath came in halting gasps, and she desperately tried to even them out as she tasted the salt of her own tears. She had to get herself together.
Connor stepped through the front door, halting abruptly at the sight of his grandmother holding a sobbing Alex in her arms. His throat constricted at the picture they made. So much for maintaining distance. Because the sight of his fiancée and his grandmother together did something to his heart he knew he’d never get back.
Connor steered the tractor to the edge of the field and left it. Tomorrow he’d be back to continue on. Now he’d drive back to the house in the truck.
The noon meal had been tense. He’d rushed the meeting, anxious to get back early so he might arrive before Gram. But he’d been too late. When he’d entered, Alex had turned to the small bathroom off the kitchen, embarrassed, to wash her tear-streaked face and regain control. When she’d returned she had pasted on a smile and apologized that she didn’t have his lunch ready. He hadn’t cared less about lunch. What he’d really wanted to know was what his grandmother had done to provoke such an emotional response. He remembered Alex protesting before that she hated crying. But she’d been in the middle of a full-blown jag when he’d come in.
It was obvious his grandmother approved of Alex, no matter how unorthodox their situation.
Connor started up the pickup and shoved it into gear, a line appearing between his brows. Seeing them together that way…it had been right somehow.
“She’s already had enough hurt in her life, that girl,” Gram had warned under her breath, while Alex had been in the next room, repairing the damage to her face.
He had no plans of hurting Alex further at all. In fact, the more he saw of her, the more he knew he had to protect her. They had made a deal that benefited them both, but ultimately they were from two very different worlds. Now it was up to him to uphold his end.
He would be her friend, but there was no room for anything more. Not if he were to be fair.
As he’d left the house, Gram had said something else. “Be very careful, dear,” she’d said, a hand on his arm. “I’ve never seen a creature more hungry for love and affection than that child.”
Pulling up into the yard, he noticed Gram’s car was gone. Perhaps she’d gone back to Calgary and her own apartment? Connor’s stomach fluttered nervously at the thought of being alone with Alex. “Stupid fool,” he chided himself as he hesitated at his own front door. If they were to be friends only, there should be nothing to be nervous about.
Alex was coming through the living room with a basket of laundry in her arms as he entered. Both stopped in surprise.
“Gram went home?”
Alex laughed, putting down the basket. “Hardly. She’s put her bag in the third bedroom and dug in for the duration.”
“Oh.” Connor’s voice registered disappointment and he put on an optimistic smile. “She’ll be a great help to you.”
“Oh, yes,” Alex replied, a happy smile on her face. “I was terribly worried about meeting her. And we did have a few uncomfortable moments. But once she knew about the baby…”
“She knows?” He stepped forward, surprise lighting his face. All Gram had said at lunch was not to hurt Alex; she’d mentioned nothing about knowing about the pregnancy. Now here was Alex, carefree and happy. He hadn’t seen that particular look on her face before, but he recognized it now. It was devoid of strain and worry. She looked like a woman who’d been given a free pass. Connor hadn’t thought it possible, but it made her even more beautiful.
“Yes,” she chirped. “I must have answered her questions satisfactorily. She’s already making wedding plans.”
Connor’s head spun. The words don’t hurt her and hungry for love echoed through his brain. He’d expected stiff resistance once she knew about the baby. Instead Gram had moved in?
“Is it too soon?”
“What?” he came out of his stupor and shook his head. “Oh. No, of course not, I’m surprised, that’s all.”
“I was too. We had a big talk this afternoon, though, Connor. Your grandmother is an amazing woman. She said she understood I didn’t know much about cooking, and when I told her I’d never gardened she said I could use a helping hand. That she’d missed it, living in her condo the way she does.”
“She did?”
“Uh-huh. And she said she’d help plan the wedding too.”
This was getting out of hand. Weddings and gardens and babies…Connor’s very logical, sensible plan was suddenly spiraling out of control. And all under the hawk-like eye of his grandmother. He agreed that she was wonderful. He also knew she was shrewd. This was her way of keeping a finger in the pie. He knew it and resented it. But he couldn’t send Johanna back to Calgary. Alex was already looking forward to the help. And he was so busy with the ranch he didn’t have time to spend with her except in the evenings. It wasn’t fair for him to expect her to while away her days all alone. If having Johanna here made her happy, he’d keep quiet. And he’d keep his eyes wide open. Helping was one thing. Meddling, however well intentioned, was another.
Besides, the less time he spent with Alex the better. Because sooner or later he’d see her looking at him like she was right now, and he’d be stupid, and kiss her like he wanted to, and complicate everything.
He changed the subject.
“She gave you your first lesson in cooking, I take it?” He looked past her shoulder to the pots bubbling on the stove.
“Yes. But she said she was going into town to have supper with a friend and not to wait up.”
“Probably Millie’s,” he surmised, naming Gram’s oldest and closest friend. And if she revealed what was going on at Windover Ranch, news of his impending marriage would be common knowledge by coffee time tomorrow.
He discovered he didn’t mind as much as he’d thought he would. For a moment he stared at Alex, picturing her in a long white dress, her mass of dark hair falling over her shoulders, and he couldn’t breathe. Alex lifted the basket again, momentarily placing her palm on the slight bubble of her belly, and his heart contracted painfully.
Connor was as hungry for love as Alex…But he could not, would not, seek it from her. She was leaving, and the one thing he knew he could never do was abandon Windover.
CHAPTER SEVEN (#ulink_b6e114c9-c019-530c-80f4-8bfa72fdd113)
“MIKE’S on his way over. He’s going to run things for me today. I’ve gotta go into Red Deer after lunch.”
Connor made the announcement as cheerfully as he could, successfully hiding his dark feeling of despair. It was nice of his friend Mike to lend a hand, but Connor was fighting a losing battle and he knew it. The source of the outbreak was still being investigated. If anything tied it to his herd he’d have to cull the whole lot. Windover would be finished. And no amount of money would save it, trust fund or not.
He picked at his pancakes, not actually eating much. If Windover was finished, he should release Alex from their agreement. Yet he wasn’t ready to let go. He wasn’t giving up on Windover yet, and he wasn’t going to give up on her either. Sure, he could release her, but then what would she do? He’d made her a promise. And he’d deliver on it no matter what.
“We need to go shopping.” Johanna interrupted the silence.
Alex and Connor looked up from their breakfast to stare at Johanna.
“I got groceries yesterday,” Alex explained, her eyes darting between Johanna and Connor with confusion.
“Not that kind of shopping. Clothes shopping. You need a wedding dress, and you’re already squeezing into your jeans.”
Alex flushed. “I can manage,” she said, spinning a piece of pancake in the syrup on her plate.
Connor nodded. “Gram’s right. I’m sorry, Alex, I should have seen to it before now. But things have been…”
“Busy. It’s fine.”
He looked at her, dressed in the same jeans and T-shirt he was growing used to seeing. She’d asked for nothing, nothing at all. She had to have some new things. That was all there was to it. When he’d made this proposition looking after her welfare had become his duty, and he simply should have seen before now how threadbare her wardrobe was.
He looked outside at the rain falling. One of the reasons he’d decided to meet with John, Cal and Rick was that the rainy day meant no haying. He’d called them early, asking them to meet. They were ranchers, like him, who had everything to lose. And they hadn’t hesitated when he’d suggested getting together.
“Why don’t we go this afternoon? I can drop you off on my way, pick you up on the way back.”
Alex put down her fork. “I don’t want to inconvenience you, Connor.”
“It’s no inconvenience. In fact, I insist.” He forced a grin. “Come on, I didn’t think you’d fight me on a shopping trip!”
Johanna interjected. “A bride needs a suitable dress, and maternity clothes will soon be a must. We’re going to need a whole day, dear.”
Connor met his grandmother’s gaze, relieved. He’d been thinking that Alex had no wedding dress. She had no more than what she’d brought in that single bag. Yet he hadn’t known how to go about saying it without hurting Alex’s feelings. Coming from Johanna, it seemed less critical than he’d imagined.
“We can go this morning.”
“Really, you two, this isn’t necessary…” Alex interjected, pushing her plate away.
“Nonsense. Connor, there’s no reason why you can’t join us for the morning, have lunch, and drop us off after at the formal wear store to shop for dresses.” She winked at him. “We will spare you the wedding dress shopping.”
A morning shopping wasn’t normally what he’d call fun, but when he looked at Alex he saw reluctance mingled with a tiny bit of anticipation. When was the last time someone had treated her to a shopping spree? When was the last time he’d taken a day off?
“I’m game if you are, Alex.”
Alex had never had anyone treat her to a day of shopping, and the sheer novelty of it was exciting. Yet she hesitated to agree. She didn’t have any money of her own, and felt like enough of a freeloader already, without Connor and Johanna paying for an entirely new wardrobe.
“I’m sure Connor would like to see you in something other than jeans and T-shirts,” Johanna went on, aiming a pointed glare in Connor’s direction.
Alex met Connor’s eyes. There was nothing in the warm depths that criticized her appearance. In fact they crinkled at the corners a bit, giving her a strange sense of reassurance. She couldn’t read what he was thinking, but his face was relaxed and amiable as he responded, “You deserve it.”
She certainly didn’t feel like she deserved it, and she was so used to looking after herself that she wasn’t comfortable with someone else footing the bill. She certainly didn’t want Connor to feel as if she were taking advantage of his generosity, or his grandmother’s either, for that matter.
“It’s settled, then.” Johanna resumed eating, bringing Alex’s misgivings to a screeching halt. “We can take my car, Connor. It’ll be much easier than the truck.”
Alex got the sneaky feeling she was being railroaded, but knew it would be fruitless to argue. Besides, if she didn’t get some new clothes soon she’d be running around with her pants unbuttoned. Practicality warred with guilt, and practicality won.
“I’ll get ready,” she answered faintly, still not convinced it was a good idea.
The first place they hit was a shopping mall, arriving just as the stores were pushing back their metal and glass doors.
“You need maternity clothes,” Johanna insisted, and led a reluctant Alex inside by the hand. The first customers of the day, they got the saleslady’s undivided attention.
“Only the basics,” Alex insisted, looking at Connor. He hung back, and she wondered why in the world he’d agreed to come along. Surely he didn’t consider this “fun”? As Johanna fluttered around, she wondered what exactly Connor did think constituted fun. She didn’t even know that much about him, yet here she was planning their wedding and shopping for clothes. Clothes he was going to pay for.
She didn’t want to be accused of taking more than she needed. She looked around at the racks of clothing, amazed at how stylish and cute they were. She picked up a black crepe top, with ties to the back and tiny pink flowers dotted over it. In a very few short months her tummy would be rounded and full. She touched the warm area where right now her baby lay. Motherhood. Somehow, shopping for maternity wear drove home the fact that she was going to be a mother more than anything else had—even the crazy deal with Connor. Someday in the near future she was going to have a tiny bundle to love, to nurture, to care for.
“Are you OK?” Connor touched Alex’s shoulder.
Alex half turned, letting out a breathless laugh. “It just hit me. I’m going to be a mother.”
Connor smiled. “You started to turn pale.” He scanned the racks, and shook his head at the sight of his grandmother chatting animatedly with the clerk. “So—excited, or scared to death?”
She couldn’t help it, she laughed, suddenly very glad he’d come along. “A little of both?”
She had an ally in Connor, although she had no idea why she deserved it. Johanna held up a hand, waggling it in the air and rattling hangers.
“I think I’m being summoned.” She aimed a wry smile at him, gratified to see his own mirror hers.
“I predict you’ll be a while, from that gleam in her eye. I’ve seen it before. I’ll go find us some coffee.”
“That sounds good,” she answered, unable to draw her eyes away from his. It was silly to be here, gazing into each other’s eyes, but somehow they’d locked and clung until her heart grew heavy in her chest.
His eyes shifted to over her shoulder.
“Here. Try these on. I thought you’d be happier with casual.” Johanna interrupted the moment and Connor quietly left. In some strange way she felt better when he was by her side, but she certainly didn’t expect him to hang around a maternity shop and comment on fit and style.
Alex was led away, then ensconced in a changing room, handing clothes in and out as she tried on several outfits. In the end she agreed to two pairs of jeans, two pairs of summer shorts, several casual cotton shirts, a sweet pajama set in white with lace trim, and a good outfit for special occasions—a black skirt with a ruffled hem, paired with a scooped-neck floral top.
“It’s too much.” She put a hand over the top of Johanna’s left as the older woman signed the credit card slip.
“Nonsense. Alex, you need these things. It’s a pleasure to provide them for you. I always only ever had a son and grandsons to buy for, and boys are too practical. It’s a treat for me just to be able to buy something pink and feminine. Indulge me.”
Alex took two of the bags in her hands. “And I thank you. But…I’m used to providing for myself.”
“You’re working hard to learn up at Windover. You are trying to be what Connor needs right now. That’s payment enough for me. I know Connor agrees.”
