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“This means a lot to you, doesn’t it?”
She nodded. “Tomorrow…we’ll just be making empty promises. I’m not comfortable with that. Because there are things I want to promise you. Truly.”
Trembling, she reached out and took his workworn hand in hers. “I promise you, Connor, that for the time we’re married I will do all I can to make your life easier, not harder. I’ll try my best to look after the beautiful home you’ve entrusted me with, and—” she smiled faintly “—I’ll try not to poison you with my bad cooking. I’ll be a friend to you, and a comfort, if you’ll let me. I’ll help you in any way I can. You’ve only to ask. Those are the promises I can make to you.”
Oh, his eyes. So warm, with compassion and understanding and with an edge of something she didn’t quite comprehend. He covered her hand with his own and squeezed. “I have promises to make to you, too,” he said softly. “Look at me, Alex,” he commanded, when she dropped her eyes.
She met his gaze and was caught, unable to look away.
“I promise, Alex, to provide for you, and the baby you’re carrying, for as long as you need. I promise to share my home with you, so that it’s your home too, because you’ve been without one for so long. I promise that I won’t be the one to hurt you, not when you’ve been hurt already. I will be your friend and your comfort, if you’ll let me.” His voice dropped, an intimate whisper as he repeated her own words back to her. “I’ll help you in any way I can. You’ve only to ask. Those are the promises I can make to you.”
Her eyes filled, shining with unshed tears at his words. He meant them. She knew it. And for her they were more romantic than any flowery vows from a book could ever be. Somehow this handsome man—still so much a stranger— knew exactly what she needed and was willing to give it to her, wholeheartedly, unreservedly.
In that shining moment she knew another truth that would make tomorrow even harder.
She was falling in love with Connor Madsen.
“Alex? Are you OK?”
Her eyes had closed against the brief shaft of bittersweet pain that pierced her as she realized the one man she couldn’t have was the one she was falling head over heels in love with. Swallowing, she pushed back her chair and broke their hand clasp. “I’m fine. I’m just tired,” she explained, avoiding the skeptical look that raised his eyebrows with doubt. “I think I’ll get ready for bed. There’s a lot to do tomorrow.”
She avoided looking at him, knowing her abrupt change of mood had to be confusing.
“Mike’s looking after the chores tomorrow. There’s no need for either of us to get up at daybreak,” he offered. “You should sleep in. Get your beauty rest.”
“Thanks. For…for everything. Goodnight, Connor.”
She fled before he saw the tears that glistened on her cheeks.
CHAPTER NINE (#ulink_7eb04764-93e6-5458-b473-53713db1b346)
THE wedding day dawned clear, with a light blue sky sparsely dotted with fluffy white clouds. Alex woke at six. She’d retired early the night before but, instead of taking advantage, she knew she had to get up and help Johanna get things ready before she dressed in her gown.
Quietly she slipped from her room and down the hall to the bathroom. She wanted to avoid Connor at all costs this morning. It had nothing to do with it being bad luck to see the bride, but more about keeping a level head. It would be all too easy to let the romance of the day sweep her away. What she needed to do was make sure everything was in readiness for the guests. Make it seem real. She ran hot water and washed her face and brushed her teeth before tiptoeing back to her room to get dressed.
Connor heard her shuffling about. He’d been awake since four, but had stayed beneath the sheets, thinking. It had nothing to do with habit and everything to do with getting married today. Getting married to Alex.
He remembered the promises she’d made him. She tried hard, he could see that. She wanted to make things right for him, and for the life of him he couldn’t figure out why. What made him so special? He was nothing more than a rancher trying to keep afloat.
Her eyes had held a suspicious sheen last night, and he’d thought for a moment or two that she was going to cry. But not Alex. He saw now she was strong, practical. The kind of woman who would face whatever needed facing without histrionics and tissues. The more he knew her, the more he respected her. And the more he found himself daydreaming about her prairie sky-blue eyes and the dark waterfall of her hair.
He swung out of bed, hurriedly pulling on a pair of faded jeans. There was something he needed to take care of—something that had kept him awake in the pale, sun-washed hours of dawn.
He heard her footsteps echo softly to the bathroom down the hall, and he slipped into her room to wait.
When she came back, his heart stopped at the sight she made. She halted her footsteps in surprise, seeing him sitting on the rumpled coverlet of the bed. In no more than a second he saw her tousled hair falling over her shoulders, the pristine white pajama set, which accented the fullness of her breasts and the growing bump at her midsection, and which ended mid-thigh, revealing shapely legs and pretty, dainty feet. The sight of her, fresh from her still-warm bed, made his heart stop.
“G…Good morning,” she stuttered in surprise.
At her appearance, he rose, wiping his palms against the thighs of his jeans nervously. “I heard you get up. I hope that’s OK?”
“Why wouldn’t it be?”
“You’re the one standing in the doorway like you’re afraid to come in any further.”
She was afraid. Thoughts of Connor had dominated her dreams, and he had been the first thing she’d thought of upon waking. For him to be here, now, in the quiet morning hours, seemed so…intimate.
She abruptly realized that she was standing in white maternity pajamas which fell a bit shy of modest. Heat flooded her cheeks and down her neck.
He was waiting, and she went the rest of the way in. He took a few steps so that they were scant inches apart.
“What are you doing here?” she whispered, keeping her voice low.
He stepped even closer, so close she had to tilt her neck to look into his face, feeling the heat of his body radiating through the thin cotton she wore.
“Today is the big day,” he whispered huskily.
Her head dropped so he couldn’t see how flustered she became at the thought. “Everything is ready.”
His hand found hers, and he squeezed her fingers. “Except for one thing.”
Her eyes darted to his in confusion. This was feeling distinctly like romance, and after having him haunt her dreams she had little defence against him. As she gazed into his face his eyes darkened with something she didn’t understand. But when he held her hand that way, and looked deeply into her eyes, her brain simply turned off and she started to babble.
“I can’t see how anything is missing. We’ve seen to the cake, the flowers, the minister—”
“Alex.”
She stopped talking and only stared, letting intimacy surround them in the silence. A jolt flashed through her entire body every time he said her name in that way, and in admitting it called herself ten times the fool. This wasn’t part of the plan at all. She was far more comfortable dealing with Connor when he was being practical and realistic. The memory of saying their promises to each other last night echoed through her brain. It had been a turning point, she realized. For both of them. They’d spoken from their hearts—and she couldn’t speak for Connor, but voicing her intentions had made one thing crystal clear to Alex. She loved him. But this was a marriage of convenience only, and her girlish fancies were only serving as a terrible distraction. She had to remember why they were doing this. She had to remember that they needed to stay only friends if she were to come out of this with her heart intact.
“I’m a bit nervous, that’s all.” Her eyes fell on the closet, where even now her wedding dress hung, white perfection. She felt unworthy of it. Unworthy of him. It was meant to be a symbol of purity, but there was nothing pure about Alexis Grayson. Impoverished, uneducated, pregnant Alex.
In a few short hours she’d be wearing it, carrying a bouquet of roses and gardenia. It seemed like a wild, crazy dream.
“Me too.”
His admission, instead of relaxing her, made her fingers curl with tension. Good God, one of them being jittery was bad enough. She’d been counting on him to keep a level head through all of this. She reminded herself yet again why she was doing it. Security was something she’d always craved, and now she knew she was going to be responsible for another life. She owed it to her child. This was all he’d asked of her. It wasn’t much; it was too much.
Her hand drifted to her stomach and rested against the small mound there. His eyes softened as he placed his own hand, strong and warm, on top of hers.
“He’s growing.”
She swallowed and somehow managed to get out, “Every day.”
She closed her eyes at the warmth of his hand seeping through her pajamas and into her core. In the time she’d been here he’d never touched her in such a way, or expressed an intimate interest in the life growing within her. The bubble of her belly was firm and taut, and when she opened her eyes his were shining down at her. He understood, she realized. In that moment, with his hand warm on the life she carried, for the first time she wished in her heart that this baby was his. He would be a wonderful father.
He cleared his throat as he removed his hand. “Are you wondering why I’m here?”
Without his touch her skin cooled, leaving her empty. She couldn’t get used to that feeling, then. She’d miss it far too much when it was gone.
“Is there something we forgot?”
The hand that had touched her stomach slid up and cupped her neck gently, drawing her forward as her heart thundered. What was he doing? In all their days here together the closest they’d been was that night in his office, and that had been comfort. This didn’t feel like comfort. It felt like…passion. Her body trembled beneath his hand. She wasn’t prepared for passion. She wasn’t prepared for what that might mean. This had to be about maintaining a friendly relationship so no one got hurt at the end. Why was he pulling her close, his gaze fixed on her lips?
“In a few short hours,” he murmured, “we’ll share our first kiss as husband and wife.” His other hand lifted to slide under the hair at her neck. “I don’t want our very first kiss to be in front of our guests. Private is much better, don’t you think?”
“You…I…Oh, dear.”
“I’d like to get it out of the way now,” he said, and bent his head.
Her breath slid out, shaky and scared. “Connor,” she started to protest weakly, “I don’t…” If he kissed her now, she’d be lost completely.
He erased whatever should have come out next by placing his lips gently on hers.
His lips were warm and soft, and she let go of all her fears and misgivings and kissed him back. Greedily she tasted him, her heart leaping as his lips opened and invited her in. Still he was soft, patient, and devastating, as his mouth slid from hers and dropped fleeting kisses on her cheeks, her eyes, the tip of her ear. Oh, goodness, this was no “you may kiss the bride” kiss. This was a “give me five minutes and I’ll have you in bed” kiss, and her knees turned to jelly at the thought of the still-warm bed only a few feet behind them. He caught her weight in his arms. Only when she heard herself moan did his mouth return to hers, consuming, leaving her full, then emptying her completely. Heaven. Heaven had to be being kissed by Connor Madsen.
Her arms lifted and wound around his neck, and she pressed herself closer to him, feeling the buffer of the baby between them. She’d never been the kind of woman to dwell on what could never be, not until the baby and Connor. Being with him, close to the life she’d always wanted and never had…something had changed inside her, stopped her from running from feelings and memories and made her sentimental and wistful. At this moment, with his lips warm and loving on hers, she felt the shadow of the girl she’d been in the woman she’d become, and knew the bittersweet pain of wanting what could never be. They had said they would be friends, and it had worked well until today. But from this day forward they would be married, in name only. And with shattering tenderness she tried to wordlessly show him that she would give him everything, if he’d only take it.
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