The Fighting Chance

The room was very still and dim, but the clamour in her brain unnerved her, and she sat up among the cushions, looking vacantly about her with the blue, confused eyes, the direct, unseeing gaze of a child roused by a half-heard call.

The call—low, imperative, sustained—continued softly persistent against her windows—the summons of the young year’s rain.

She went to the window and stood among the filmy curtains, looking out into the mist; a springlike aroma penetrated the room. She opened the window a little way, and the sweet, virile odour enveloped her.

A thousand longings rose within her; unnumbered wistful questions stirred her, sighing, unanswered.

Aware that her lips were moving unconsciously, she listened to the words forming automatic repetitions of phrases long forgotten:

“And those that look out of the windows be darkened, And the door shall be shut in the streets.”

What was it she was repeating?

“Also they shall be afraid of that which is high, and fear shall be in the way.”

What echo of the past was this?

“And desire shall fail: because—”

Intent, absorbed in retracing the forgotten sequence to its source, she stood, breathing the thickening incense of the rain; and every breath was drawing her backward, nearer, nearer to the source of memory. Ah, the cliff chapel in the rain!—the words of a text mumbled deafly—the yearly service for those who died at sea! And she, seated there in the chapel dusk thinking of him who sat beside her, and how he feared a heavier, stealthier, more secret tide crawling, purring about his feet!

Enfin! Always, always at the end of everything, He! Always, reckoning step by step, backward through time, He! the source, the inception, the meaning of all!

Unmoored at last, her spirit swaying, enveloped in memories of him, she gave herself to the flood—overwhelmed, as tide on tide rose, rushing over her—body, mind, and soul.

She closed her eyes, leaning there heavily amid the cloudy curtains; she moved back into the room and stood staring at space through wet lashes. The hard, dry pulse in her throat hurt her till her under lip, freed from the tyranny of her small teeth, slipped free, quivering rebellion.

She had been walking her room to and fro, to and fro, for a long time before she realised that she had moved at all.

And now, impulse held the helm; a blind, unreasoning desire for relief hurried into action on the wings of impulse.

There was a telephone at her elbow. No need to hunt through lists to find a number she had known so long by heart—the three figures which had reiterated themselves so often, monotonously insistent, slyly persuasive; repeating themselves even in her dreams, so that she awoke at times shivering with the vision in which she had listened to temptation, and had called to him across the wilderness of streets and men.

“Is he at home?”

“—!”

“Would you ask him to come to the telephone?”

“—!”

“Please say to him that it is a—a friend.... Thank you.”

In the throbbing quiet of her room she heard the fingers of the prying rain busy at her windows; the ticking of the small French clock, very dull, very far away—or was it her heart? And, faintly ringing in the receiver pressed against her ear, millions of tiny stirrings, sounds like instruments of an elfin orchestra tuning, echoes as of steps passing through the halls of fairy-land, a faint confusion of human-like tones; then:

“Who is it?”

Her voice left her for an instant; her dry lips made no answer.

“Who is it?” he repeated in his steady, pleasant voice.

“It is I.”

There was absolute silence—so long that it frightened her. But before she could speak again his voice was sounding in her ears, patient, unconvinced:

“I don’t recognise your voice. Who am I speaking to?”

“Sylvia.”

There was no response, and she spoke again:

“I only wanted to say good morning. It is afternoon now; is it too late to say good morning?”

“No. I’m badly rattled. Is it you, Sylvia?”

“Indeed it is. I am in my own room. I—I thought—”

“Yes, I am listening.”

“I don’t know what I did think. Is it necessary for me to telephone you a minute account of the mental processes which ended by my calling you up—out of the vasty deep?”

The old ring in her voice hinting of the laughing undertone, the same trailing sweetness of inflection—could he doubt his senses any longer?

“I know you, now,” he said.

“I should think you might. I should very much like to know how you are—if you don’t mind saying?”

“Thank you. I seem to be all right. Are you all right, Sylvia?”

“Shamefully and outrageously well. What a season, too! Everybody else is in rags—make-up rags! Isn’t that a disagreeable remark? But I’ll come to the paint-brush too, of course.... We all do. Doesn’t anybody ever see you any more?”

She heard him laugh to himself unpleasantly; then: “Does anybody want to?”

“Everybody, of course! You know it. You always were spoiled to death.”

“Yes—to death.”

“Stephen!”

“Yes?”

“Are you becoming cynical?”

“I? Why should I?”

“You are! Stop it! Mercy on us! If that is what is going on in a certain house on lower Fifth Avenue, facing the corner of certain streets, it’s time somebody dropped in to—”

“To—what?”

“To the rescue! I’ve a mind to do it myself. They say you are not well, either.”

“Who says that?”

“Oh, the usual little ornithological cockatrice—or, rather, cantatrice. Don’t ask me, because I won’t tell you. I always tell you too much, anyway. Don’t I?”

“Do you?”

“Of course I do. Everybody spoils you and so do I.”

“Yes—I am rather in that way, I suppose.”

“What way?”

“Oh—spoiled.”

“Stephen!”

“Yes?”

And in a lower voice: “Please don’t say such things—will you?”

“No.”

“Especially to me.”

“Especially to you. No, I won’t, Sylvia.”

And, after a hesitation, she continued sweetly:

“I wonder what you were doing, all alone in that old house of yours, when I called you up?”

“I? Let me see. Oh, I was superintending some packing.”

“Are you going off somewhere?”

“I think so.”

“Where?”

“I don’t know, Sylvia.”

“Stephen, how absurd! You must know where you are going! If you mean that you don’t care to tell me—”

“I mean—that.”

“I decline to be snubbed. I’m shameless, and I wish to be informed. Please tell me.”

“I’d rather not tell you.”

“Very well.... Good-bye.... But don’t ring off just yet, Stephen.... Do you think that, sometime, you would care to see—any people—I mean when you begin to go out again?”

“Who, for example?”

“Why, anybody?”

“No; I don’t think I should care to.”

“I wish you would care to. It is not well to let go every tie, drop everybody so completely. No man can do that to advantage. It would be so much better for you to go about a bit—see and be seen, you know; just to meet a few people informally; go to see some pretty girl you know well enough to—to—”

“To what? Make love to?”

“That would he very good for you,” she said.

“But not for the pretty girl. Besides, I’m rather too busy to go about, even if I were inclined to.”

“Are you really busy, Stephen?”

“Yes—waiting. That is the very hardest sort of occupation. And I’m obliged to be on hand every minute.”

“But you said that you were going out of town.”

“Did I? Well, I did not say it, exactly, but I am going to leave town.”

“For very long?” she asked.

“Perhaps. I can’t tell yet.”

“Stephen, before you go—if you are going for a very, very long while—perhaps you will—you might care to say good-bye?”

“Do you think it best?”

“No,” she said innocently; “but if you care—”

“Do you care to have me?”

“Yes, I do.”

There was a silence; and when his voice sounded again it had altered:

“I do not think you would care to see me, Sylvia. I—they say I am—I have—changed—since my—since a slight illness. I am not over it yet, not cured—not very well yet; and a little tired, you see—a little shaken. I am leaving New York to—to try once more to be cured. I expect to be well—one way or another—”

“Stephen, where are you going? Answer me!”

“I can’t answer you.”

“Is your illness serious?”

“A—it is—it requires some—some care.”

Her fingers tightening around the receiver whitened to the delicate nails under the pressure. Mute, struggling with the mounting impulse, voice and lip unsteady, she still spoke with restraint:

“You say you require care? And what care have you? Who is there with you? Answer me!”

“Why—everybody; the servants. I have care enough.”

“Oh, the servants! Have you a physician to advise you?”

“Certainly—the best in the world. Sylvia, dea—, Sylvia, I didn’t mean to give you an impression—”

“Stephen, I will have you truthful with me! I know perfectly well you are ill. I—if I could only—if there was something, some way—Listen: I am—I am going to do something about it, and I don’t care very much what I do!”

“What sweet nonsense!” he laughed, but his voice was no steadier than hers.

“Will you drive with me?” she asked impulsively, “some afternoon—”

“Sylvia, dear, you don’t really want me to do it. Wait, listen: I—I’ve got to tell you that—that I’m not fit for it. I’ve got to be honest with you; I am not fit, not in physical condition to go out just yet. I’ve really been ill—for weeks. Plank has been very nice to me. I want to get well; I mean to try very hard. But the man you knew—is—changed.”

“Changed?”

“Not in that way!” he said in a slow voice.

“H-how, then?” she stammered, all a-thrill.

“Nerve gone—almost. Going to get it back again, of course. Feel a million times better already for talking with you.”

“Do—does it really help?”

“It’s the only panacea for me,” he said too quickly to consider his words.

“The only one?” she faltered. “Do you mean to say that your trouble—illness—has anything to do with—”

“No, no! I only—”

“Has it, Stephen?”

“No!”

“Because, if I thought—”

“Sylvia, I’m not that sort! You mustn’t talk to me that way. There’s nothing to be sorry for about me. Any man may lose his nerve, and, if he is a man, go after it and get it back again. Every man has a fighting chance. You said it yourself once—that a man mustn’t ask for a fighting chance; he must take it. And I’m going to take it and win out one way or another.”

“What do you mean by ‘another,’ Stephen?”

“I—Nothing. It’s a phrase.”

“What do you mean? Answer me!”

“It’s a phrase,” he said again; “no meaning, you know.”

“Stephen, Mr. Plank says that you are lame.”

“What did he say that for?” demanded Siward wrathfully.

“I asked him. Kemp saw you on crutches at your window. So I asked Mr. Plank, and he said you had discarded your crutches too soon and had fallen and lamed yourself again. Are you able to walk yet?”

“Yes, of course.”

“Outdoors?”

“A—no, not just yet.”

“In other words, you are practically bedridden.”

“No, no! I can get about the room very well.”

“You couldn’t go down-stairs—for an hour’s drive, could you?”

“Can’t manage that for awhile,” he said hastily.

“Oh, the vanity of you, Stephen Siward! the vanity! Ashamed to let me see you when you are not your complete and magnificently attractive self! Silly, I shall see you! I shall drive down on the first sunny morning and sit outside in my victoria until you can’t stand the temptation another instant. I’m going to do it. You cannot stop me; nobody can stop me. I desire to do it, and that is sufficient, I think, for everybody concerned. If the sun is out to-morrow, I shall be out too!… I am so tired of not seeing you! Let central listen! I don’t care. I don’t care what I am saying. I’ve endured it so long—I—There’s no use! I am too tired of it, and I want to see you.... Can’t we see each other without—without—thinking about things that are settled once and for all?”

“I can’t,” he said.

“Then you’d better learn to! Because, if you think I’m going through life without seeing you frequently you are simple! I’ve stood it too long at a time. I won’t go through this sort of thing again! You’d better be amiable; you’d better be civil to me, or—or—nobody on earth can tell what will happen! The idea of you telling me you had lost your nerve! You’ve got to get it back—and help me find mine! Yes, it’s gone, gone, gone! I lost it in the rain, somewhere, to-day.... Does the scent of the rain come in at your window?… Do you remember—There! I can’t say it.... Good-bye. Good-bye. You must get well and I must, too. Good-bye.”

The fruit of her imprudence was happiness—an excited happiness, which lasted for a day. The rain lasted, too, for another day, then turned to snow, choking the city with such a fall as had not been seen since the great blizzard—blocking avenues, barricading cross-streets, burying squares and circles and parks, and still falling, drifting, whirling like wind-whipped smoke from cornice and roof-top. The electric cars halted; even the great snow-ploughs roared impotent amid the snowy wastes; waggons floundered into cross-streets and stuck until dug out; and everywhere, in the thickening obscurity, battalions of emergency men with pick and shovel struggled with the drifts in Fifth Avenue and Broadway. Then the storm ended at daybreak.

All day long squadrons of white gulls wheeled and sailed in the sky above the snowy expanse of park where the great, rectangular sheets of water glimmered black in their white setting. As she sat at her desk she could see them drifting into and out of the gray squares of sky framed by her window-panes. Two days ago she had seen them stemming the sky blasts, heralding the coming of unfelt tempests, flapping steadily through the fragrant rain. Now, the false phantom which had mimicked spring turned on the world the glassy glare of winter, stupefying hope, stunning desire, clogging the life essence in all young, living things. The first vague summons, the restlessness of awakening aspiration, the first delicate, indrawn breath, were stilled to deathly immobility.

Sylvia, at her escritoire, chin cradled in her hollowed hand, sat listlessly inspecting her mail—the usual pile of bills and advertisements, social demands and interested appeals, with here and there a frivolous note from some intimate to punctuate the endless importunities.

Her housekeeper had come and gone; the Belwether establishment could jog through another day. Various specialists, who cared for the health and beauty of her body, had entered and made their unctuous exits. The major had gone to Tuxedo for the week’s end; her maid had bronchitis; two horses required the veterinary, and the kitchen range a new water-back.

Cards had come for the Caithness function; cards for young Austin Wadsworth’s wedding to a Charleston girl of rumoured beauty; Caragnini was to sing for Mrs. Vendenning; a live llama, two-legged, had consented to undermine Christianity for Mrs. Pyne-Johnson and her guests.

“Would Sylvia be ready for the inspection of imported head-gears to harmonise with the gowns being built by Constantine?

“When—

“Would she receive the courteous agent of ‘The Reigning Beauties of Manhattan,’ to arrange for her portrait and biographical sketch?

“When—

“Would she realise that Jefferson B. Doty could turn earth into heaven for any young chatelaine by affixing to the laundry his anti-microbe drying machine emitting sixty sterilised hot-air blasts in thirty seconds, at a cost of one-tenth of one mill per blast?

“And when—”

But she turned her head, looking wearily across the room at the brightly burning fire beside which Mrs. Ferrall sat, nibbling mint-paste, very serious over one of those books that “everybody was reading.”

“How far have you read?” inquired Sylvia without interest, turning over a new letter to cut with her paper-knife.

Grace ruffled the uncut pages of her book without looking up, then yawned shamelessly: “She’s decided to try living with him for awhile, and if they find life agreeable she’ll marry him.... Pleasant situation, isn’t it? Nice book, very; and they say that somebody is making a play of it. I”—She yawned again, showing her small, brilliant teeth—“I wonder what sort of people write these immoral romances!”

“Probably immoral people,” said Sylvia indifferently. “Drop it on the coals, Grace.”

But Mrs. Ferrall reopened the book where she had laid her finger to mark the place. “Do you think so?” she asked.

“Think what?”

“That rotten books and plays come from morally rotten people?”

“I don’t think about it at all,” observed Sylvia, opening another letter impatiently.

“You’re probably not very literary,” said Grace mischievously.

“Not in that way, I suppose.”

Mrs. Ferrall took another bonbon: “Did you see ‘Mrs. Lane’s Experiment’?”

“I did,” said Sylvia, looking up, the pink creeping into her cheeks.

“You thought it very strong, I suppose?” asked Grace innocently.

“I thought it incredible.”

“But, dear, it was sheer realism! Why blink at truth? And when an author has the courage to tell facts why not have the courage to applaud?”

“If that is truth, it doesn’t concern me,” said Sylvia. “Grace, why will you pose, even if you are married? for you have a clean mind, and you know it!”

“I know it,” sighed Mrs. Ferrall, closing her book again, but keeping the place with her finger; “and that’s why I’m so curious about all these depraved people. I can’t understand why writers have not found out that we women are instinctively innocent, even after we are obliged to make our morality a profession and our innocence an art. They all hang their romances to motives that no woman recognises as feminine; they ascribe to us instincts which we do not possess, passions of which we are ignorant—a ridiculous moral turpitude in the overmastering presence of love. Pooh! If they only knew what a small part love plays with us, after all!”

Sylvia said slowly: “It sometimes plays a small part, after all.”

“Always,” insisted Grace with emphasis. “No carefully watched girl knows what it is, whatever her suspicions may be. When she marries, if she doesn’t marry from family pressure or from her own motives of common-sense ambition, she marries because she likes the man, not because she loves him.”

Sylvia was silent.

“Because, even if she wanted to love him,” continued Grace, “she would not know how. It’s the ingrained innocence which men encounter that they don’t allow for or understand in us. Even after we are married, and whether or not we learn to love our husbands, it remains part of us as an educated instinct; and it takes all the scientific, selfish ruthlessness of a man to break it down. That’s why I say so few among us ever comprehend the motives attributed to us in romance or in that parody of it called realism. Love is rarer with us than men could ever believe—and I’m glad of it,” she said maliciously, with a final snap of her pretty teeth.

“It was on that theory you advised me, I think,” said Sylvia, looking into the fire.

“Advised you, child?”

“Yes—about accepting Howard.”

“Certainly. Is it not a sound theory? Doesn’t it stand inspection? Doesn’t it wear?”

“It—wears,” said Sylvia indifferently. Grace looked up from her open book. “Is anything amiss?” she asked.

“I don’t know.”

“Of course you know, child. What is wrong? Has Howard made himself insufferable? He’s a master at it. Has he?”

“No; I don’t remember that he has.... I’m tired, physically. I’m tired of the winter.”

“Go to Florida for Lent.”

“Horror! It’s as stupid as a hothouse. It isn’t that, either, dear—only, when it was raining so deliciously the other day I was silly enough to think I scented the spring in the park. I was glad of a change you know—any excuse to stop this eternal carnival I live in.”

“What is the matter?” demanded Mrs. Ferrall, withdrawing her finger from the pages and plumping the closed book down on her knee. “You’d better tell me, Sylvia; you might just as well tell me now as later when my persistence has vexed us both. Now, what has happened?”

“I have been—imprudent,” said Sylvia, in a low voice.

“You mean,”—Mrs. Ferrall looked at her keenly—“that he has been here?”

“No. I telephoned him; and I asked him to drive with me.”

“Oh, Sylvia, what nonsense! Why on earth do you stir yourself up by that sort of silliness at this late date? What use is it? Can’t you let him alone?”

“I—No, I can’t, it seems. Grace, I was—I felt so—so strangely about it all.”

“About what, little idiot?”

“About leaving him—alone.”

“Are you Stephen Siward’s keeper?” demanded Mrs. Ferrall, exasperated.

“I felt as though I were, for awhile. He is ill.”

“With an illness that, thank God, you are not going to nurse through life. Don’t look at me that way, dear. I’m obliged to speak harshly; I’m obliged to harden my heart to such a monstrous idea. You know I love you; you know I care deeply for that poor boy—but do you think I could be loyal to either of you and not say what I do say? He is doomed, as sure as you sit there! He has fallen, and no one can help him. Link after link he has broken with his own world; his master-vice holds him faster, closer, more absolutely, than hell ever held a lost soul!”

“Grace, I cannot endure—”

“You must! Are you trying to drug your silly self with romance so you won’t recognise truth when you see it? Are you drifting back into old impulses, unreasoning whims of caprice? Have you forgotten what I know of you, and what you know of yourself? Is the taint of your transmitted inheritance beginning to show in you—the one woman of your race who is fashioned to withstand it and stamp it out?”

“I am mistress of my emotions,” said Sylvia, flushing.

“Then suppress them,” retorted Grace Ferrall hotly, “before they begin to bully you. There was no earthly reason for you to talk to Stephen. No disinterested impulse moved you. It was a sheer perverse, sentimental restlessness—the delicate, meddlesome deviltry of your race. And if that poison is in you, it’s well for you to know it.”

“It is in me,” said Sylvia, staring at the fire.

“Then you know what to do for it.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Well, I do,” said Grace decisively; “and the sooner you marry Howard and intrench yourself behind your pride, the better off you’ll be. That’s where, fortunately enough, you differ from your ancestors; you are unable to understand marital treachery. Otherwise you’d make it lively for us all.”

“It is true,” said Sylvia deliberately, “that I could not be treacherous to anybody. But I am wondering; I am asking myself just what constitutes treachery to myself.”

“Sentimentalising over Stephen might fill the bill,” observed Grace tartly.

“But it doesn’t seem to,” mused Sylvia, her blue gaze on the coals. “That is what I do not understand. I have no conscience concerning what I feel for him.”

“What do you feel?”

“I was in love with him. You knew it.”

“You liked him,” insisted Grace patiently.

“No—loved him. I know. Dear, your theories are sound in a general way, but what is a girl going to do about it when she loves a man? You say a young girl can’t love—doesn’t know how. But I do love, though it is true that I don’t know how to love very wisely. What is the use in denying it? This winter has been a deafening, stupefying fever to me. The sheer noise of it stunned me until I forgot how I did feel about anything. Then—I don’t know—somehow, in the rain out there, I began to wake… Dear, the old instincts, the old desires, the old truths, came back out of chaos; that full feeling here”—she laid her fingers on her throat—“the sense of expectancy, the restless hope growing out of torpid acquiescence—all returned; and, dearest, with them all came memories of him. What am I to do? Could you tell me?”

For a long while Mrs. Ferrall sat in troubled silence, her hand shading her eyes. Sylvia, leaning over her desk, idling with pen and pencil, looked around from time to time, as though awaiting the opinion of some specialist who, in full possession of the facts, now had become responsible for the patient.

“If you marry him,” said Mrs. Ferrall quietly, “your life will become a hell.”

“Yes. But would it make life any easier for him?” asked Sylvia.

“How—to know that you had been dragged down?”