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Growing up, Antonino kept the calmness that he had always distinguished him and showed a deep love for the country life.
He had always been a helpful boy. During the summer holidays and during the days off he helped in the land. He would get up early, before dawn, happy enough to share the first few moments of quietness in the house with his father, almost looking for an undisturbed complicity. When he was still a young boy, he was interested in the land and in the turns of the cattle to be brought to the fields. Growing up he stopped playing with Clara who was more and more often in her bedroom to read, reluctant to do that housework that her aunties had tried in vain to teach her.
Antonino loved especially the horses that the Barrieri family were breeding in the wild, in the woods. At the time of their taming, the team of horses was brought in the open countryside and locked in a pen, he wouldn’t miss it for the world. Weeks before, he had started to beg his father to make him skip school to be there. Giovanni happily agreed to, pleased he had this passion, but he didn’t show it because –… school comes first …but just for this time…- and deep down he was happy for the double treat his son was getting: a day off school and to see the horses being tamed.
The horses were usually tamed in May. Mornings were still fresh, bright, their brightness would remind of summer. The men were riding the horses, holding a long wooden rod and a big rope across their shoulder, they were wearing sturdy boots and wide leather thigh pads. As soon as the sun was coming out, they headed towards the woods in a line, quiet and ready to tackle a day which was different from the others, determined to take up the challenge which would certainly test their abilities and the outcome was always good. It was a challenge against the foal, still wild, and the dexterity of man, to show to oneself and the others. It was almost a celebration.
Antonino could not sleep the night before, he was anxious and alert to the sounds in the house, concerned that someone could forget about him. He was ready well before dawn. He would come down in the kitchen with his stomach tightening due to his excitement and could not eat anything. Giulia would make the lunch for her men to take with them and put in something extra for him…to eat in a little while- she said to him.
She saw her son glowing with happiness thinking about that day and she was delighted for him. Antonino was full of energy early in the day, which were almost the last hours of the night, dying to go out. With his eyes he was urging his father to be quick, to get up from the table, not to waste any more time. When Giovanni, once he had finished, had just moved the chair away from the table, he was already out the door. He was ahead of him in every movement he made. Giulia smiled looking at him and before they went off, she could not hold back the last words
-Be careful….- a piece of advice aimed at the son which would imply thousands more to the father -Please, make sure he is safe, if he rides a horse, please get him to ride the calmest, don’t let him ride on his own…- and many more that she would have liked to add to the list but that it was not necessary to say. She knew that Giovanni did not like to listen to them, as if he was an irresponsible father who would jeopardise their son’s life. One look would settle it all.
She heard them getting the buddy ready and she could then see them going off together in the darkness which was just starting to brighten up. She heard Giovanni spur the horse under his breath and the familiar sound of the horse trotting on the gravel of the driveway. She would see from behind the window the two of them sitting next to each other on the tiny seat, as far as they disappeared in the early morning light. She would stay there for a few more minutes even when they could not be seen anymore and only the echo of those sounds would be heard, holding back a sense of satisfaction all over her, which was difficult to part from in order to start the day waiting for them to come back.
The men were all ready in the field and were waiting to leave all together. Giovanni and Antonino were following them with the buggy. As soon as his soon was old enough, he would prepare the horse for him -… the oldest, the calmest horse- as Giulia wished, and the boy would head towards the woods with the others.
A few years had gone from that first time, but to Antonino each time was the first time. When he was riding the horse, which over time had been replaced with a fast and sturdy crossbreed, he always had the feeling he could rule the world. He could feel the animal’s tight and powerful muscles under the tight grip of his thighs, so much so that when the horse was trotting lightly, he could feel the restrained strength. His body was taking in the vitality of the horse which was carrying on with great ability the orders just given with the light movement of the reins. There was not much talking done in the early hours of the morning, only the necessary words that could not be replaced by the gestures. Along the way that from the field would lead to the woods, the horse did not need to be guided, it would ride first, with the others right behind him, in a single line, keeping a pace of who is not in a haste and does not know where to go. The horseman would caracole over him, covered up by the black and heavy cowboy’s cape and would enjoy the fresh air and the colours of the dawn. The open field would lead to the woods, the lane became narrow and rough among the bushes of strawberry tree, myrtle and rosemary. The lower branches of the trees would touch lightly the men who were trying to push them away or bending down over the neck of the animal. Scattered in several directions, they were gathering the wild horses and were leading them to where they had started off. The taming would have started off there.
The young foals followed an older horse which they would see as their guide. They were riding along the way encouraged and guided by the screams of the cowboy. The air was filled with the neighs and the voices and the horses would come out in small teams from the bushes, disoriented, scared by the recalls and the steady touch of the stick, jumping around a leader from which they were looking for safety, with their big wet restless eyes and their beautiful heads shaking nervously their manes. As soon as they came out of the woods the men would push them into a single team. Whistling and using their voices they guided them inside a big pen and the foals sensed that that fence would imprison them and give them a different life, where their freedom and playing with fellow horses would be over, where the woods ended to give way to the countryside. At that stage the cowboys would start their game and one by one the foals were directed towards a smaller pen and the taming would start.
When Antonino was a child, he used to perch on the fence and look in ecstasy at the young animal which was made to run all around in a circle. The men would throw the ropes around the foal’s neck which was pawing the ground, scared and furious at the same time, till the strength failed it. Exhausted, with its eyes nearly popping out of its head and its fur shiny with the sweat, it was giving into men’s ability and gave up to their will. In those moments Antonino felt a vague sense of sadness, as if that wild being had lost its virginity, forced to leave behind that part of uncontaminated nature that was in it, to get into a world made up of rules it was not destined to originally.
That day would stay in the child’s mind for a long time. Once back home, he would be so excited telling his mother and his aunts all about the marvellous things he saw. Giulia smiled, happy to see him so enthusiastic, Clara could not understand why he was so excited and the twin’s opinion about the matter was not at all requested.
1 Chapter VI
Rudi is in hospital
Rudi did not know how he got to the hospital. He found himself in a bed, with his shoulder all bandaged up and in pain, surrounded by other wounded soldiers.
The first impression he had when he managed to open his eyes was a feeling of sickness that was coming up to his throat from his stomach, causing him the feeling to vomit without being actually able to do it. He could not make out what was around him. He could hear every sound as if it was far away and annoying, rejected by his mind which was still under the effect of ether. Then he could hear the moans and groans of the people around him. He dreamt of being in the barricade where the mud which was stuck to their shoes would make every movement quite heavy and it was hard to move the arms too. Every movement caused an excruciating pain and the awful smell off the dead bodies which had been lying there for days, with their rotting faces and the bodies all over the place over which you would stumble at every step, gripped his stomach - God, let me out of here, let me get out of this living hell alive- he thought. His heavy eyelids were trying to open in the light of a different situation which they could not get used to. The eyes wide open were still, blank and could only see what the mind remembered. He would sink again in his terrible memories and could feel the pain in his shoulder which was becoming unbearable.
He woke up completely, covered in sweat, exhausted with the pain and his visions. He felt a cool hand on his forehead and could not say a word for a few minutes, terrified at the idea that that was his dream and it could vanish in a moment, making him go back to the terrible reality of earlier on. He slowly came around and asked without opening his eyes
-Where am I?-
-In hospital-
A man’s voice answered the question
-Why am I here?-
-You are on holidays-
Rudi did not pick up his sarcasm
-Am I sick?-
-Of course you are sick. The air at the front was bad for you so they sent you on a bonus trip. Our commanders look bad but they are nice people-
He opened his eyes
-I am thirsty-
-Wait- he answered. He snapped his fingers and said loudly
-Waitress- he said- A glass of champagne for the gentleman, please..-
A Red Cross nurse came near. Rudi started to regain awareness of the place where he had woken up. He saw the face of the girl getting closer to his and heard the words of a young woman
-How are you feeling? How can I help you?-
Before he could reply, the man beside him answered on his behalf
-The gentleman urgently needs to have a stiff drink. He asked for some best quality champagne. Quick before he gets up and walks off without paying the bill -
-Lucky you, you are always in a joking mood- the young woman answered smiling
-I am thirsty – repeated Rudi. The Red Cross nurse walked away to fetch a glass of water.
When he managed to take a good look around he saw he was in a long and narrow room, a big corridor where there were roughly arranged some beds, three or four stretchers and various mattresses on the floor. On each of them there was a wounded person. Some people were sleeping, some were moaning in an frightening half-sleep made of fear and grief, some were coughing real badly, some were awake and were looking around with their eyes open wide but they could not really see anything of what was around them.
-Welcome among the living-
The voice of the young man was not playful anymore. He went really close to Rudi who could now see him and was staring at him in silence, unwilling to believe that the nightmares he had earlier on were over.
-My name is Fosco Frizmajer- he said stretching his big and sturdy hand.
He was a tall and skinny young man, with a uniform in tatters which would look all over the place, and despite his thinness, it would dangle everywhere, it had always been too short. His bony hands were tapered with long fingers and rounded fingernails which were carefully cut. The wrists that were coming out of his shirt sleeves were bony but sturdy, as well as his shoulders which were leaning over a bit, were still strong looking though. His hair was long, blond and straight, it would fall all over his forehead which was too high and framed his face which was brightened by his lively and attentive eyes which life had not tamed yet, despite the roughness of the years of war. He was walking leaning against a crutch and the effort to get the support off one leg would make his shoulders even more bent over.
Rudi looked at him without greeting him back.
Frizmajer said laughing, while waving his hand quickly in front of his eyes
- Are you with us? Shall I come back later?-
Rudi smiled at last.
Fosco had been wounded to one knee during a battle against the Austro- Hungarians- A battle almost among relatives- he said, considering that his grandfather was born in Vienna and had moved to Milan when he was very young. He was a war correspondent for a newspaper based on a city and what would anger him was that he got a bullet even though he had never fired a bullet.
-Bloody Yugoslavians, they don’t even know how to shoot, otherwise they would have killed somebody who was more dangerous than me. This way, they got rid of a pen, not a bayonet!-
In the big room it was impossible to have a rest during the day and at night. New wounded people kept on coming from the battlefield. The young Red Cross nurses worked non-stop along with the two doctors who took turns to perform operations with makeshift means. Most of the soldiers who where taken into hospital were very young boys, mutilated by bombs or in the grip of terror that they could not controlled.
Someone would shout -Mommy- mommy- till he had some voice left. Then the shouting was replaced by a sigh, a death rattle. His cry for help was supposed to go far but instead it was collected by those young women who stroke their faces and would gently keep their hands in theirs, saying words that their mothers would have said. To reach the point that the death rattle would stop and the convulsive grip of their fingers would loosen up in the last hope to have been touched by the tender hand of their mum.
That was the other side to the barricade, here the war could be just suspended or could end for good.
A few days went by and Rudi started to feel better. The pain in his shoulder was not so bad and he started to get up and walk, even if he was quite weak still. Fosco was recovering, but his knee was not okay. If he tried to bend it, he would get shooting pains that would make him stop. The pain was so bad that he furrowed his forehead and squinted his eyes till they became slanted, hissing with rage
-Bloody Yugoslavians- lighting up a cigarette.
He smoked often, standing, leaning against his crutch. Holding the cigarette between his fingers, he would look laid-back again, pushing away the bitterness and the worry into a hidden corner of his look which was not completely invisible. He always had some cigarettes which he would offer to those who asked to take two drags.
Sitting on the same bed, Fosco and Rudi had the time to get to know each other. Rudi told him about himself, his town, his nieces and nephews showing how much you miss all that is important to you and that you take for granted. Fosco listened with the curiosity of a person who finds out about the peaceful life in the suburbs and was asking about Giulia and Giovanni, Ada and Maria as if he knew them. Then he told him about his life as a journalist, about his family who was so different, about his travels following his father who was an ambassador. Rudi listened to what his friend had to say with the curiosity of someone who opens a window onto a completely different view. The world around them was not there anymore at least for the time they were having their conversations. The war, the suffering, the terror that they could see in their friends’ eyes were pushed away by the stories they were telling which would bring them back in time, when all of this was not there. They spoke about women, how they had met them, about those ones they felt they had loved at least for a little while and about those they had made love to. Now more than ever the body of a woman, her smooth and warm skin would have fulfilled their senses. They would have recovered right after making love to her. Then, at the first moment of silence in between their thoughts and their words, reality stroke again and the smell of those bodies, the groans which were all around them would come back to life and were dragging them down forcefully to send them back to real life.
1 Chapter VII
Rudi goes back home
Two weeks after, Rudi came out of hospital with a month’s leave. Fosco was discharged from hospital and tried to convince him to go to his house in Milan. The suggestion was tempting but he just wanted to go back to the peacefulness of his home, he felt as if going back he could get rid of the anxieties that were pressing down on his chest and be able to breathe again with a light heart as he used to. They agreed that before the end of the leave he would have spent a few days in Milan.
Fosco’s knee was still paining him. Before leaving, he gave all his cigarettes to the boys there and leaning on his crutch, still limping, said goodbye to the younger Red Cross nurses kissing them one by one on the cheeks. Making the most of the fact that they were so close and that they were letting themselves loose, he held them tight and rested his lips on theirs, making them shocked and amused.
-This will help you remember me. Once the war is over, please come and see me in Milan- Bending his head slightly he let go of their hands, held in a grip that was more friendly than a simple farewell – See you soon-he whispered staring at them straight in the eyes
On the doorstep, he turned back lifting his crutch up high and said to everyone - Memento audere semper!- Many of them did not understand, those who were in a position to do it, said goodbye politely and Rudi laughed at that wish which sounded out of place.
A few days after, he was discharged from hospital too. He kept his leave in his pocket and over his good shoulder he had his haversack with the few things he owned. He got as far as Verona on a military truck S.P.A. 8000 carrying ammunition which went back and forth from the front to the back roads. There he boarded to Orte. He tried to keep the bandaged arm as steady as possible, but all the jolts of the truck were giving him pain on his wound. The young driver was driving on the rough roads full of potholes very fast. Despite his continuous requests not to drive so fast, he would slowed down per a couple of kilometres then, without realising it, he would go back to the same pace as before. More than once Rudi cursed and was afraid to faint because of the pain. The train journey seemed to him so quiet indeed.
He arrived on a morning of freezing rain, he put a cap on his head to protect him from the heavy rain and waited for half an hour for the bus to Viterbo. While sitting on the wooden bench at the station, he felt the cold get into his bones. The bus was nearly empty and with him there was an elderly woman dressed in black, her face was bony and expressionless, her sunken eyes were hiding behind a mesh of wrinkles. Her arm was inside a big head scarf held at the four corners, from which you could see the leaves of a cauliflower and a pungent smell of cheese. She sat in front of him, keeping her eyes down, deep in God knows what thoughts. Rudi got thinking about her and was wondering who that big bundle was for: a son who was living in another town? … no… she wouldn’t have looked so sad ….maybe someone she was going to ask for a favour …or maybe for someone who could get that son away for a long time to come back home, …or maybe for a doctor from the city to whom she could not pay the fee with cash…
From the window she could see the countryside running along the side of the road. The dark lands soaked with water and the bare trees reminded of the late autumn. In the village people were picking olives and that rain would stop their work for days. For the first time in almost three years he realised that he was not thinking about his life, his grief, his fear. He was aware he was happy for the simple fact that he had forgotten about his soaked and cold body, his fellow soldiers groaning and the smell of ether which would cover the smell of death. He looked at the dark woods that were going fast under his eyes, he recognised the damp smell of the cold wood and he took back that part of himself that was suffocated by the enthusiasm of the youth, then by the suffering, now he felt he was discovering for the first time.
He had written a letter to Giovanni to let him know that he was coming home. When he got off in Viterbo he saw him there waiting for him. He did not recognise him, he was wrapped up in a long black capote and was wearing a wide hat over his head to shelter him from the rain. He crossed his eyes and smiled at him. He saw him just then. Giovanni did not recognise him either. He went over to him just because he realised that he was the only military to get off the bus. He saw standing in front of him a young man who was thin and pale who was looking around almost fearfully, tired and a bit awkward, whose look had lost the shine of the youth. Only after staring at him more carefully he saw his faint smile showing the traits of the confident boy who had left years ago. They got close and finally hugged, Giovanni’s sturdy body, with a little extra weight put on over the last few years, and Rudi’s skinny one.
-Here you are at last!- he exclaimed joyfully, hiding his impressions
-Yes, at home, at last-
-They are all waiting for you, they can’t wait to see you. They have been waiting for days..-
-I am the same, the last part of the journey was never ending…-
-You look tired… -
-Yes, I’m tired. The journey was so long-
-The buggy is right outside the station. Here, put the capote on, it’s cold today. Giulia has made something to eat for you. She thought that probably you haven’t eaten all day-
Giulia.
Rudi smiled thinking about Giulia, so reliable and trustworthy, her pragmatism would show up in every situation. It was true, he hadn’t eaten for many hours and had not realised that up until that moment, he was so used to the hardship at the barricade. The smell that was coming out of the container got him suddenly hungry and while sitting on the buggy beside his brother-in-law, the first thing he did was to open the metal container and start eating.
The journey would last almost two hours. On the dirt road the stones would jolt the buggy and Rudi could not hide his pain .
-How are you?- Giovanni asked him, concerned about his suffering face
-Don’t worry, it’s okay, I’ll be fine once we get home-
The two horses were all wet with the rain and the sweat and trotted without being told where to head to. They knew the way because they did it so many times when they used to go to fairs and coming back was always happier than leaving, especially because when the weather was bad, they wished to enjoy the heat of the stable.
Giovanni wanted to ask him many questions but he realised that he was tired so he kept his questions to a minimum. Rudi himself, as soon as he was told that the family members were okay, much preferred the quietness.
They got there at lunchtime.
Antonino was the first one to see the buggy coming into the driveway. He had been going back and forth between the door and the kitchen window so many times that everybody was annoyed with that. He insisted that his father would bring him with him but Giovanni was not happy and he had to find something to do before their arrival at the house.
The women had been working hard since the early morning to cook the best food they could. Giulia was concealing her distress and her worry behind a busy quietness which would get her to check the pots on the fire, even though there was no need to, and look repeatedly at the window, even though she was well aware that it was far too early for them to arrive.
-Here they are, here they are!- Antonino’s voice was full of joy and everybody rushed towards the front door.
The children were outside in a flash and were jumping around the buggy before it would stop completely. Ada and Maria came out on the patio and Giulia stood at the door, as if she wanted to make sure that it was really him before running to him.
-Calm down, calm down- Giovanni was trying to calm them down and to protect Rudi from their enthusiasm.
-Be careful, your uncle is injured, be careful…-
Rudi bent over and was enjoying all their hugs, trying to shield his aching shoulder.
-Antonino, you are a man now…Clara…come here, give me a kiss…and you two are grown men.
When all the excitement quietened down, he managed eventually to say hello to Ada and Maria.
Giulia went over to him and was staring at him without saying a word. It did not take long to notice that her brother’s happiness was troubled by a trace of distress, which was rooted deep down to dispel his light heartedness. Rudi was extremely thin and he looked like a suffering young man. You could see a sincere joy in him but it was temporary, as if he left somewhere far the roots of lightness,
-Giulia!- he freed himself from all the arms that were around him and went over to her and they hugged without speaking.
The days he spent at home went by quickly, pampered by the adults with their loving care and by the children with their love. Despite a hot bath, a big dinner and the long-forgotten lovely smell of freshly washed bed sheets, he could not get rid of the heavy tiredness the first night. With his eyes closed, in the dark silence of his room, he tried to enjoy that peace but the void was soon filled by blasts and screams, groans and mud, till when the rotten face of one of his wounded fellow soldiers would give him a start, and he felt that he was falling into a well. All in a sweat, he opened his eyes wide and was clinging on to the bed covers in the attempt to stop that disastrous descent, his shoulder aching while trying to get something to hold on to. He was panting anxiously and was trying to calm down his heartbeat, hoping not to have shouted or woken anybody up.
At dawn he heard the first quiet sounds of the home. The light peeping through the windows helped him chase away the visions of the night before and he eventually managed to fall asleep. When he woke up, the older boys were already back from school and everybody was waiting for him for to have lunch.
Day after day he was getting back his strength and his natural colour was coming back. Giulia watched him carefully when he was looking at her, eager to knock down that unintentional wall which was painfully dividing her from him, looking for a crack that could let her in his troubled soul. Rudi felt that look trying to get into his silence and could painfully understand her concern. He pretended not to notice anything till when he managed to shake it off and take part in everyday life, letting her hope that sooner or later everything would be fine and it was just a matter of time.
His young body helped him recover soon and from his face seemed to have disappeared all the traces of his deep distress. After three weeks he told them that he was going to leave in advance because he wanted to spend a few days with one of his friends, before heading back to the battalion headquarters.
1 Chapter VIII
Rudi and Fosco in Milan
Fosco was waiting for him at the central station in Milan. Rudi was standing on the running board of the train and saw a lanky person towering over the crowd who was quickly looking at the carriage windows.
-Fosco!- he shouted his name, waving his hand.
His friend turned around and lifted his stick to greet him, smiling.
He was still limping.
