The Success Principles Workbook

There is an important formula that captures the simple essence of this truth.

E + R = O

EVENT + RESPONSE = OUTCOME

The essence of this formula is that everything you are currently experiencing (your current Outcomes) are the result of how you Responded to earlier Events in your life. And if you don’t like your current outcomes (your health, your weight, your income, your total savings, the quality of your possessions, the quality of your relationships, your level of happiness, your golf score, your job, your sales numbers, where you live . . . everything you currently have and are experiencing), then you have to change the way you are responding to the events that show up in your life!

Let me give you an example.

Let’s say you are given a $4,000 bonus at the end of the year. That’s an event. One response, after taxes are taken out, is to invest the remaining $3,200. The outcome of that is that one year later you have an additional net worth of $3,394. If your response is to spend your bonus, you have no additional net worth. Same event . . . two different outcomes.

Here’s another example. Someone offers you a large piece of chocolate cake at the office party. One response is to eat it. The outcome from that would be to put on more weight. The other response would be to politely refuse it, saying you are cutting back on your sugar intake, and the outcome from that is you maintain your body weight.

Life is 10 percent what happens to you and 90 percent how you respond to it.

LOU HOLTZ

Legendary College Football Coach and ESPN Analyst

There are only three responses (R’s) that you have any control over—your thoughts, the visual images that you create in your mind, and your behavior, which includes what you say (or don’t say) and your actions (what you do or what you don’t do). That is all you have control over.

You might be asking, “What about feelings? Aren’t they a response?” Actually 99% of feelings are an outcome of how you think about something. If you reject me, in order for me to feel sad or angry, I have to first think a thought like, No matter what I do, nobody ever accepts and includes me; I am going to be alone forever.

One of the greatest differences between successful people and those who would merely like to be is how they respond to the events and opportunities in their lives. Here is another example of the same event, with different responses producing different outcomes.

Event + Your Response = Outcome Your spouse forgets your birthday. You tell yourself, “S/he forgot my birthday. That means s/he doesn’t love me.” You feel sad and depressed, and your self-esteem takes a hit.

Event + Your Response = Outcome Your spouse forgets your birthday. You tell yourself, “Somebody who loves me forgot my birthday. I wonder what’s going on with them?” You end up feeling concerned, but you still have high self-esteem.

WHAT GETS IN THE WAY OF TAKING RESPONSIBILITY?

If taking responsibility for one’s life were easy, everyone would do it. So, what’s up? It turns out that it’s easier to complain about the way things are, to blame others and to make excuses, than to change one’s behavior. Changing is uncomfortable. It takes disciplined effort and intentionally stepping outside of one’s comfort zone. And most people would rather be comfortable than uncomfortable. Let’s take a deeper look at blaming, complaining, and excuse making.

BLAMING: YOU HAVE TO GIVE IT UP

When most people don’t achieve the level of success they want in their life, they tend to blame people and things outside themselves. They blame their boss, their coworkers, their parents, their spouse, their children, economic conditions, high prices, Wall Street, the government, the other political party, the media, the traffic, and the weather.

The bad news: To have the success you want, you have to give up blaming. The good news: As soon as you do, you will experience greater power and energy in your life, and you will attract other positive and powerful people to be around you.

Blaming Mind-set: It is not my fault. It’s because of what they did. They are responsible. Success Mind-set: When I look beyond blaming, I can see how I actually created or allowed this, and I can begin to search for and find ways to get the result I want.

Once you realize that you created it the way it is, you then have the power to uncreate and re-create it the way you want it.

All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you.

WAYNE DYER

Author of Change Your Thoughts—Change Your Life

Take another look at blaming with this example.

Blaming

Event: Your coworkers continually miss deadlines, causing you to work late to bring projects in on time. Your Response: You blame your coworkers and management, but say nothing. Outcome: You end up working late many nights, straining your marriage and family relationships, and jeopardizing your health.

No Blaming

Event: Your coworkers continually miss deadlines, causing you to work late to bring projects in on time. Your Response: You find ways to streamline the process, and then quietly present your plan to the team leader. Outcome: The manager creates an expanded role for you, giving you more oversight on projects, which leads to increased responsibility, and eventually an increase in salary . . . and you are home earlier to spend time with your family and get more sleep.

The truth is, when confronted with a negative event, successful people look beyond blaming and finger-pointing. Instead, they look for new ways to resolve it. They say something or do something rather than blame someone.

HOW TO GIVE UP BLAMING

Are you willing to give up all blaming? That is the first question you need to ask yourself. If your answer is no, put away this workbook until you are ready to make some changes to get the success you want. If your answer is yes, great. Here is how to do it. The first step is to recognize and acknowledge the blaming that you have been doing up until now.

DISCOVERING MORE ABOUT YOU:

Blaming

Check

any of the following blaming thoughts that you have used to justify your current life situation. I don’t have the success I want because:

□ I had a difficult childhood. It’s my family’s fault.

□ The college I went to was not very good. It’s their fault.

□ My spouse doesn’t support my dreams. It’s his/her fault.

□ The company I work for doesn’t respect me or my ideas. The management is to blame for how I feel.

□ My friends aren’t very ambitious, so neither am I. It’s their fault.

□ The reason I am broke is because the economy is terrible/my company doesn’t pay a fair wage/my spouse spends every penny I make/my kids are spoiled/immigrants have taken all the jobs/all the good jobs have moved offshore.

□ I’m overweight because of the food my wife cooks.

Add your own:

1 Up until now, I have blamed for .

2 Up until now, I have blamed for .

3 Up until now, I have blamed for .

The statements you have written above may in fact be true, but they do not need to continue to stop you from going after the success you want. You can change those blaming thoughts to thoughts of responsibility.

For each of the statements you wrote above, write a new “no-blame” thought to replace it. Here are a couple of examples:

Blaming: The reason I’m not more successful is because my spouse doesn’t support my dreams. No-Blaming Thought: Even though my spouse may not support my dreams, I can still take the necessary actions to create a better life. Blaming: The reason I’m not making more money is because I don’t have any real options. No-Blaming Thought: Even though I don’t see any obvious options, the real reason I’m not making more money is because I haven’t thought creatively and pursued new opportunities.

No-Blaming Exercise

For each of the blaming thoughts you listed above, write a new no-blame thought of how you can be successful regardless.

1 Instead of blaming for ,I could do this:

2 Instead of blaming for ,I could do this:

3 Instead of blaming for ,I could do this:

Stretch opportunity! If you want to take it further after filling in your answers, go back and change the words “I could do this” above to “I will do this.” Go ahead; try it out.

COMPLAINING: YOU HAVE TO GIVE IT UP

Do any of the following statements sound familiar?

My supervisor ignored the special report she requested—again!

My spouse constantly hounds me about the way I eat.

The yoga instructor always starts late.

Here is what’s interesting about complaining: In order to complain, you have to know there is something better available that you would prefer . . . but that you are not willing to take the necessary action to create. You would rather complain because it protects you from having to take the risk to create it the way you want. When you complain, what you’re really saying is, “I have something I prefer, but I’m not willing to risk creating it . . . so I’ll complain to you instead.”

If you complain about your spouse hounding you about the way you eat, you have to have in mind what you would prefer: either for your current spouse to leave you alone, or for a different spouse who doesn’t hound you—like the spouse you have seen at a friend’s house or on a TV show.

Have you noticed that people don’t complain about gravity? It’s because they know they can’t change it. People do complain about their jobs because they know there is a better job out there somewhere, but choose not to change jobs. People do complain about the weather, because they know there is someplace with better weather and that they could move there. But they choose not to, so they complain instead.

Complaining can dissipate some of the energy of an upset, but it doesn’t change the outcome you are experiencing. It also keeps you feeling powerless. With each complaint you express, you give away more of your power. If you want to be successful, you have to stop complaining—now! You will need all of your mental, emotional, and physical strength to take the actions you need to take to go after the success you want.

I know it’s common to complain. It is often socially acceptable, even expected and affirmed, in many groups. If complaining is the norm for the people you spend time with, if you find yourself in an “Ain’t It Awful!” club, you need to quit that club. If they won’t stop complaining, you have to stop spending time with them. You need to surround yourself with responsible, solution-oriented people.

DISCOVERING MORE ABOUT YOU:

Complaining

1 Write down your four biggest complaints.Consider work, family members, finances, body weight, traffic, or other.Sample Answers: It is so hard to lose these extra 10 pounds! My spouse keeps me up all night long with his/her snoring. The people on the town council are all corrupt.(a)(b)(c)(d)

2 For each item you wrote above, write down what you prefer to have. For the most benefit, start each line with, I prefer to have . . . and end each line with, . . . but instead I complain about how . . . (Rewriting may seem tedious, but it allows for deeper learning.)Sample Answer: I prefer to weigh 10 pounds less! But instead I complain about how hard it is to lose weight.(a)(b)(c)(d)

3 Change your complaints to actions.For each complaint in #1 above, complete this phrase: Instead of complaining, I could do to get what I want.Sample Answer: Instead of complaining, I could begin to exercise at least 30 minutes a day.(a)(b)(c)(d)

From now on, whenever you start to complain, you will more likely notice it and catch yourself. You may also be less likely to tolerate complaining from others as you realize there are actions they could take to resolve the situation if they chose to.

MAKING EXCUSES: YOU HAVE TO GIVE IT UP

Dear Reader: I was going to make this a better workbook for you, but I got tired. I ran out of ideas, and I didn’t have enough time. Would you accept that? I hope not. Instead of offering excuses, I am offering you the best possible Workbook, based on research and best practices, for implementing the success principles. I am totally 100% responsible for that. You are not interested in my excuses—only my results, so you’ll get no excuses from me.

HOW EXCUSES STEAL YOUR FUTURE

When you don’t achieve the result you want, or you don’t have the life you want, it is natural and easy to make excuses. You hear people making excuses every day. Making excuses is a response to an event. It is a way of justifying your current results, but it is simply an ineffective response that does not produce a better result. Making excuses disempowers you and prevents you from thinking creatively about what you can do differently.

To create the life and success you desire, you will need to give up all your excuses. Let me say that again because it is so important: To create the life and success you long for, you will need to give up all your excuses. This includes all the reasons you give for why things are the way they are. When you take your focus away from your excuses, you will be able to see clearly why things are the way they are, and focus on what you can do to create what you want.

In the next exercise, you will have the chance to see in writing some of the excuses you’re making that you may not recognize.

HOW TO RESOLVE A LONG-STANDING PROBLEM

In my workshops, I often pair people together and ask them to “coach” each other through the following exercise called the “Difficult or Troubling Situation Exercise,” which helps resolve long-standing problems without blaming, complaining, or making excuses.

Difficult or Troubling Situation Exercise

Take a look at the sample responses below before completing the exercise for yourself.

1 What is a difficult or troubling situation in your life?I’ve been wanting to start my own training business for two years, but I keep putting it off.

2 How are you creating it or allowing it to happen?I keep putting off deciding exactly what I want to teach, and even deciding what to call the business.

3 What are you pretending not to know?It has been eating me up inside, and I want to get going.

4 What is the payoff for keeping it like it is?At least I won’t make a mistake and look foolish to my friends and family.

5 What is the cost for not changing it?I’m miserable in my current job, and I’ll remain miserable if I don’t take action.

6 What would you rather be experiencing?I want to feel like I am walking my talk, that I am “all in” with my life, and that I’m fulfilling my true purpose by doing what I really long to do.

7 What actions will you take to create that?I will decide what topic to start with, create a new Web site, start blogging, and launch my new business.

8 By when will you take that action?By the end of next month. (Gulp! It’s scary to commit to starting, but I know all the steps I need to take.)

9 On a scale of 1 to 10, how likely are you to follow through with that action?10! It has to be a 10. I have been waiting too long, and there is nothing stopping me except my own fear and hesitancy.

Many of the problems that remain unresolved for us are due to one thing: We don’t see that we are part of the problem. We are not taking 100% responsibility for how we are creating it. The series of questions that follow will guide you through a powerful process to correctly define the problem, take ownership for how you are creating it, and clarify how to resolve it.

This exercise is best done with a partner, but it can also be done alone as a journal writing exercise just answering the questions on paper. If you can, find a friend or colleague you trust with whom to do this exercise. You will both benefit from it. Have your partner ask you each of the questions in order. After you complete answering the questions, switch roles and then ask your partner the questions.

Now it is your turn to answer the questions. If you have a partner, each of you will take a turn asking the other the entire list of questions. Don’t respond to, suggest solutions, or judge each other’s answers. Simply assist by asking the questions. If you are doing this exercise alone, simply ask yourself the questions and write down the answers.

Now It’s Your Turn: Difficult or Troubling Situation Exercise

1 What is a difficult or troubling situation in your life?

2 How are you creating it or allowing it to happen?

3 What are you pretending not to know?

4 What is the payoff for keeping it like it is?

5 What is the cost for not changing it?

6 What would you rather be experiencing?

7 What actions will you take to create that?

8 By when will you take that action?

9 On a scale of 1 to 10, how likely are you to follow through with that action?

How are you complicit in creating the conditions of your lives that you say you don’t want?

JERRY COLONNA

Author of Reboot: Leadership and the Art of Growing Up

The principle of taking 100% responsibility for your life is not something you learn about once and it is solved for the rest of your life. It is more like staying fit. Every day you have to pay attention. Every day you can ask yourself, Did I blame anyone today? Did I complain today, instead of taking action to change the situation? Did I make excuses today when I did not get the result I wanted or that I had promised?

Taking 100% responsibility for everything in your life is a new way of thinking for most people. Over time, as you pay attention and live this principle, it will become second nature to you. Practicing and eventually mastering this fundamental principle is absolutely necessary in order to produce the results you want and to have the life you long for.

To take 100% responsibility for your life means you take ownership for all you do and for the results you produce. As you do that, your life will become less complicated and you will have the energy, power, and ideas to create the life you want. This is captured in the quote you may have heard before: “If it’s meant to be, it’s up to me.”

ARE YOU CHANGING?

Growth = Awareness + Choice. You may not have noticed it fully yet, but reading this chapter and doing these exercises have likely begun to change you. You may begin to notice that something does not feel right when you or someone else starts to blame someone, complain about something, or make an excuse. Simply being aware of this is a huge step in itself. It provides the opening for you to choose a different and more effective response.

When you notice that you are complaining, blaming, or making excuses, you can pause and take a breath. Slow down, become present with yourself, and make a new choice. It is that simple. But it’s not always easy! You have to stay vigilant. The more you stay aware and practice what you have learned, the easier and easier it will get over time until eventually it will become an unconscious habit.

Okay, you have now completed the learning portion of this chapter. However, since this is a workbook, designed for you to put these success principles to work in your life every day and to make their use a habit, there is still a little more work to do.

MAKE-IT-A-HABIT WORKSHEET

Take 100% Responsibility Today

I trust that you now see that to empower yourself to take action toward the success you want, you must be willing to give up blaming, complaining, and making excuses. In order to give up these behaviors, however, you must also become aware of when you are behaving this way.

To raise your awareness, conduct a 100% Responsibility Evening Review every evening for a week. The purpose is to review your day and look for where you may have blamed, complained, or made excuses. Here’s how to do that:

1. Complete the 100% Responsibility Evening Review below, every evening for a week.

Every evening for the next seven days, reflect on your day and consider the following questions. Take your time and consider what you said to yourself, as well as what you may have said aloud to others. Many people find it easier to answer the questions when they close their eyes.

Note: Instead of giving you questions that can be answered by a simple yes or no, the questions that follow are designed to begin a “self inquiry” where you can review your day and identify those situations where you blamed, complained, or made excuses.

Blaming Review

Who did I blame today?

Example: I attended a workshop today, and I blamed (in my thoughts) the person in charge, thinking he did not design the event very well.

From the point of view of taking 100% responsibility, I see that . . .

Example: Actually, I remember now that I did not bring a workbook as requested. I had to borrow a piece of paper, and that limited my ability to do the written work in a manner that would have allowed me to get more value from the activities.