The Family Secret

I’m not anyone’s mother, she thinks.

She walks down to the café feeling sullen, mumbles her order and carries her coffee back to a small table.

‘Hello again.’ She looks up to see Jasper smiling down at her, his rucksack over his shoulder … the same rucksack he used for work when they were married. ‘You’re becoming a bit of a regular visitor to the hospital. How’s the girl?’

‘Lumin. She’s fine.’

His face lights up. ‘She remembered her name?’

Amber nods. ‘I did a sort of memory thing with her. Brought in lots of different foods to see if they might act as a trigger.’

Jasper laughs. ‘God, you’re clever.’

‘Your nurse friend didn’t seem to think so. She had a right go at me.’

‘Mind if I join you?’ he asks, ignoring her reference to the nurse. ‘I just finished my shift and need a coffee.’

Amber shrugs. ‘Sure.’

He shoves his rucksack on the floor. ‘Another coffee?’ he asks. ‘Or how about a cinnamon muffin? I remember how much you liked those.’

‘No, thanks, already had breakfast courtesy of the NHS.’

He smiles to himself. ‘You’re lucky, visitors aren’t usually allowed.’

‘It was leftover. Lumin is a vegetarian so I got to eat the sausage.’

‘Another thing you’ve found out. You’d make a good detective.’

Amber watches him as he goes to the counter, all tall and gangly and handsome. He hasn’t changed. She wonders if she has. What does he see when he looks at her? A slightly more overweight, more cynical, more tired version of the woman he fell in love with?

He comes back with his coffee and sits down.

‘When are the police visiting?’ he asks.

‘Now,’ Amber replies.

‘That’s why you’re biting your nails like crazy,’ he says, gesturing towards her fingertips.

She nods, tucking her right hand under her armpits.

‘She’ll be fine,’ he says.

‘I know. She was just a little bit distressed before they turned up.’

Amber tells him about the memory Lumin had and his brow furrows. ‘Maybe she’s a runaway,’ he says. ‘That would explain why nobody knows her here.’

‘Maybe.’ Amber puts her hand to her mouth again, chewing at her nails.

‘She’s really got to you, hasn’t she?’

Amber looks up at him. ‘What do you mean?’

‘I mean you care for her. It’s good.’ He pauses a moment, looking down into his coffee. Then he looks back up at Amber with sad eyes. ‘Maybe you’re projecting Katy onto her. She would have been fifteen this year.’

Amber feels herself tense. Why was he always so bloody blunt? ‘No, I’m not!’

He reaches across, placing his hand on hers. ‘There’s nothing wrong with admitting it, Amber. Nothing wrong with remembering. I know it still hurts, but it’s been ten years.’

Amber moves her hand out from under his. ‘This has nothing to do with Katy.’

‘Really? I worry about you. I worry you still keep it all wound up inside.’

She laughs. ‘Do you realise how patronising you sound? I’m doing perfectly well, thanks.’

‘So you feel you’ve moved on, do you?’

Her mouth drops open. ‘Moved on? From the death of my child? Is that even possible? Anyway,’ she adds, gesturing around her and making an effort to lower her voice, ‘do explain to me how you’ve moved on. You’re still working all the hours God sends at this place. You even still have that same old rucksack,’ she adds, pointing to his bag.

‘Sure, some things remain the same,’ he says calmly. ‘But I’ve moved away. I even went travelling for a few weeks last year. Have you been anywhere?’

‘Travelling, hey?’ Amber says. ‘Wouldn’t happen to be with the busty nurse from the children’s ward, would it? If that’s your idea of moving on then fine, I really don’t care,’ she says, leaning back and folding her arms. ‘I’ve had my fair share of dates.’

Jasper pinches his lips together. ‘Nothing’s going on with Jen.’ He meets her gaze. ‘Truth is, I never quite got over you. Kinda puts women off, hankering after your ex.’

Amber feels her cheeks flush, all the old feelings rushing back. ‘Don’t say that.’

Jasper opens his mouth to say something else but a shadow falls across them. They both look up to see Detective King standing over them, slightly out of breath. ‘Can you come up, Miss Caulfield? Lumin’s a bit …’ He pauses. ‘She’s a bit distressed and said she won’t calm down until she sees you.’

Amber quickly stands and Jasper grabs her arm. ‘She’s not Katy,’ he says softly.

‘I know,’ Amber hisses. ‘Jesus.’ She shrugs his hand off then follows the officer to the lift.

Lumin is sitting scrunched up in the corner of her bed, her head to her knees. Magazines are scattered on the floor and a cup of tea has been overturned, the brown liquid spilling over the side table. Lumin’s bed covers are thrown to the side and Amber can see her bare feet, the remnants of blue nail varnish on her toes. It strikes Amber that she hadn’t noticed that before. It reveals a life before this – a carefree life that had Lumin painting her nails with a smile on her face.

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