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How to Not Be a Dick: And Other Truths About Work, Sex, Love - And Everything Else That Matters
How to Not Be a Dick: And Other Truths About Work, Sex, Love - And Everything Else That Matters
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How to Not Be a Dick: And Other Truths About Work, Sex, Love - And Everything Else That Matters

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Our Services may cause you to react with comments, crude gestures or incredulous sighs (the “Submissions”). How do we keep track of Submissions? We’re always watching, remember? Your use of such features must comply with the Submissions Guidelines below, which may be updated from time to time (and without your knowledge). You hereby grant BROTHER a worldwide, royalty-free, perpetual, nonexclusive license to use the materials you submit within the Services and related marketing. And if that sounds threatening, it should. BROTHER will monitor and decide to remove or edit any submitted material.

Submissions Guidelines: You may not use the Services to:

Be a jerk, unless specifically instructed to act that way.

Act in an offensive, unlawful, deceptive or harmful manner.

Impersonate or misrepresent your affiliation with another person, or entity, unless you have a really good costume.

Plan or engage in any illegal, fraudulent, or manipulative activity, unless we get a cut of the action.

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Maslow’s Hierarchy of Life Needs (#ulink_5ac6822b-230b-5398-a6cb-203f943e587c)

Everything necessary to ascend, find fulfillment and become the person you were meant to be.

SELF-ACTUALIZATION—Wi-Fi.

ESTEEM—Likes, compliments and recognition, respect, the occasional nude.

BELONGINGNESS AND LOVE—Dating apps, social media, friends, family, a companion, your hand (when all else fails).

SAFETY—Freedom from harassment and intimidation (not applicable if you are black in America), money, medicine, seatbelts, airbags, a weapon (if you are delusional).

PHYSIOLOGICAL—Air, water, food, clothing, shelter, sleep, someone to have sex with occasionally, your phone, a place to charge your phone.

100 Universal Truths About Your Life (#ulink_2eea046c-f6a7-565b-983d-6f5b760ca1c1)

We’re not gonna lie to you: life is hard. But these truths will set you free.

Everyone is pretending.

Anyone who boasts is overcompensating.

No one is as happy as they appear to be.

Social Media is not real life.

Comparing yourself to others is a waste of time.

If you don’t expect anything, you’ll never be disappointed.

Art and commerce can never coexist.

Kindness is underrated.

Happiness is a social construct, not a goal.

Thriftiness is a virtue; cheapness is an annoyance.

Never stop doing kids’ stuff—that way you’ll never get old.

Always have an alibi.

If you find yourself saying “I’m not a racist,” you’re probably a racist.

If you have to ask “Is this inappropriate?” it’s probably inappropriate.

The answer to the question “How did they afford that?” is always “Their parents paid for it.”

Blackface is never a good idea.

Always say “Thank you.”

Often, it’s just easier to apologize.

Know what battles are worth fighting.

You won’t live forever, but you can create something that might.

Have perspective—there is always someone worse off than you.

Be patient—if you’re good, you’ll get what’s coming to you.

Recognize your privilege.

Sometimes, it’s better to be realistic than optimistic.

Never spend more than 72 hours in Las Vegas.

Only assholes give TED Talks.

Only supreme assholes attend TED Talks.

Always bring a jacket. You will never regret it.

Never do anything without consent.

Always buy the first round.

Never talk business at an after-work event.

Don’t be friends with your boss.

Learn how to cook three different meals.

Learn how to play the guitar. But never play an acoustic guitar at a party.

Learn how the stock market works.

Clean up after yourself.

Make your bed every morning.

Floss. Even though it sucks.

Buy yourself one piece of expensive clothing.

No one likes a sore loser.

No one likes a bad winner, either.

If something sounds too good to be true, it is.

There is no such thing as a quick fix.

Sometimes life is unfair. But things will always get better.

Your parents are just people and, as such, are probably making it up as they go.

If you don’t know the answer—ask someone who does.

Never wear shorts to the office.

Never buy single-ply toilet paper.

Never go to IKEA on a weekend.

Never show up empty-handed.

Never bet on your own team.

Always eat before you drink.

Always avoid the middle urinal.

Always wear a condom.

Always split the check evenly—even if you only had a salad.

Always keep your eye on the ball.

Hawaiian shirts are appropriate for every occasion.

Beards make you sexier.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

A burger at a bar is always better than a burger at a restaurant.

If a bar has peanut shells on the floor, you’re in the right place.

If a bar hangs Christmas lights, and it’s not Christmas, you’re in the right place.

If two different people tell you you’re drunk, you’re probably too drunk.

Give compliments sparingly—they mean more that way.

Don’t worry about what you’re lifting at the gym—everyone has to start somewhere.

Running one mile is always better than running zero miles.

“Compassionate Conservatism” is an oxymoron.

Everyone sees the world differently, and no one’s viewpoint is entirely correct.

Everything’s better on a boat.

It’s usually white people’s fault.

Do or do not; there is no try.

Be wary of anyone who talks about “building a brand.”

Never start an Instagram account for your dog.

Go outside.