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What to Do with Your Money After the Apocalypse
Mo Money
How to Take It with You
A Handy Glossary of Terms
Women
The Truth About Women
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Women Needs
The Gentleman’s Guide to Lady Parts
How to Date a Woman (According to an Actual Woman)
Overrated/Underrated Dates
The Truth About Dick Pics
Is It Time to Move On? Probably.
How to Give Compliments (Without Being a Total Creep)
Ways to Meet Women After the Apocalypse
A Handy Glossary of Terms
Fun
The Truth About Fun
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Fun Needs
General Rules for Having Fun
When Does the Fun Start?
Things That Seem Fun Until You Actually Do Them
Worth the Wait?
Is This Funny?
Is This Art?
Is Reading Fun?
Overrated/Underrated Rap
Overrated/Underrated Rock
Overrated/Underrated Pop
Scenarios in Which Removing Your Shirt Is Appropriate
Scenarios in Which Removing Your Shirt Is Inappropriate
Should You Get a Tattoo?
The Five Universal Truths About Gambling
25 Unexpected Ways to Have Fun After the Apocalypse
A Handy Glossary of Terms
Health
The Truth About Health
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Health Needs
How Not to Be a Dick at the Gym
The 30 Types of People You Will Meet at the Gym
Gym Stats
Scenarios in Which Running Is Appropriate
Scenarios in Which Running Is Inappropriate
General Truths About Health
What’s That On Your Penis?
50 Thoughts You Have While Sitting in a Waiting Room
A Summertime Surprise!
A Sobering Note About Drinking
Should You Do This Drug?
Acceptable Coping Mechanisms for Adults
Should Everyone Talk to a Therapist?
Health After the Apocalypse
A Handy Glossary of Terms
You
The Truth About You
Maslow’s Hierarchy of You Needs
No One Cares
A Secret Message
50 Things Someone Should Have Told You by Now
Don’t Be That Guy
General Truths About Style
What Your Hair Style Says About You
Social Media, in Graph Form
The Nicest Things People Can Say About You, Ranked
How to Get Your Shit Together in 10 Steps
Self-Improvement After the Apocalypse
A Handy Glossary of Terms
A Message from BROTHER
About the Author (#ulink_4edde3b3-4d3c-5db4-ac52-f8bdecc3ed88)
About the Publisher (#ulink_e978d8df-c04b-509d-ab6c-0baa21fd2317)
(#ulink_14da977e-a900-5689-860d-90d2a28df1c1)
The Truth About Life (#ulink_03e46773-1a2f-5b34-8bd3-e231a20034cf)
These terms and conditions create a contract between you and BROTHER (the “Agreement”). Please read the Agreement carefully.
A. INTRODUCTION TO OUR SERVICES
This Agreement governs your use of BROTHER’s services (“Services”), through which you can learn valuable life lessons (“Truths”) and unique skills (“Content”) that can—and should—be applied at your discretion. Our Services are available for your use in your country of residence (“Home Country”), in accordance with societal standards and/or legal statutes. To use our Services, you need an open mind, a willingness to look ridiculous and the ability to read. Our Services’ performance may be affected by these factors.
In the interest of full disclosure, here is how we explained those Services in our initial pitch to HarperCollins (the “Publisher”), which must’ve worked, because you’re reading this right now. The fact that the Publisher decided to change the title of this book does not invalidate anything of the following:
“We’re not going to lie to you—life can be complicated.
“But The Truth will set you free. From simple solutions to complex social interactions to general rules of gentlemanly etiquette, it’s the definitive guide for today’s guy.
“We will help them navigate an increasingly complicated world—the classroom, the locker room, the office, the bar, the bedroom, the DM—where the old rules, labels and standards no longer apply. We won’t condescend, we won’t mince words—we’ll give them straightforward, occasionally brutal (but always funny) honesty, and, hopefully, create a new set of axioms in the process.
“This is Brother’s big book of universal truths . . . the stuff we wish someone would’ve told us.
“Brother is a global brand made for millennial males. Publishing daily on Snapchat, we reach an audience of 20 million young men each month (40 million unique visitors in total—girls like us, too!). We create content that is optimized for mobile and designed with the millennial in mind, mixing media and text to deliver an experience that is informative, entertaining and interactive.
“We use data to test and refine work. We’re still experimenting—but we’d like to think we’ve gotten pretty good at understanding our audience. It doesn’t hurt that we are our audience. We are interested in life, love, sex, style and tech. We are self-aware, but not self-centered. We take digital culture as a given; we understand that it’s 2019—everyone uses a dating app. We are informed and impatient. We ask big questions, and expect appropriately huge answers. But we’re not judgmental jerks. We’d like someone to buy us a beer every once in a while.
“With Brother Presents: The Truth, we’ll use that knowledge and expertise. Presented in a format that is engaging and appealing to digital-native demos—a compelling mix of infographics, diagrams, images, lists, quizzes and essays—we’ll simplify the millennial man’s life . . . by simply telling him the truth.”
We can’t believe they bought it, either.
B. USING OUR SERVICES
PAYMENTS, TAXES AND REFUNDS
You can acquire Truths and Content via our Services for free or for a one-time charge, depending on whether you are borrowing this book from an acquaintance or have decided to purchase it for yourself. Either instance is referred to as a “Transaction.” Each Transaction is a contract between you and BROTHER, and it is up to you to fulfill your end of the bargain—if you don’t, we will be disappointed. In addition, violators can also be subjected to additional punishment, as determined by BROTHER’s Chief Magistrate, who has definitely seen some shit and is not one to trifle with. If you pre-order Content, you will be charged when the Content is delivered to you (though please let us know how you managed to do this, since this is a book). All Transactions are final. If you want to sell this book on your own, that’s up to you, man. Prices may change at any time, contingent on how well this book has been selling or how badly the Publisher has misjudged potential enthusiasm for this project. There will be no refunds, regardless of how poorly this book is written or how useless all Content contained herein may be. Fraud or other manipulative behavior may entitle BROTHER to a corresponding counterclaim, so think twice before trying to pass any of our Truths or Content off as your own. We are always watching you, and we have your financial information on file.
PRIVACY
Your use of our Services is subject to BROTHER’s Privacy Policy, which is explained in great detail below but can essentially be summed up thusly: You’re fucked.
BROTHER has developed and patented a suite of technologies that will be used to collect your personal information, including (but not limited to) fingerprints, biometric measurements, sexual conquests, penis size, test scores, fantasies, gaming system preferences, mother’s maiden name, browsing history, passwords, credit scores, shoe size, deep-seated fears and every time you’ve ever cried. Your personal information will be used to sell you petroleum-based grooming products that are slowly killing the Earth, your Home Country and, by logical extent, you. There is no way to opt out of this policy, as by merely cracking open this book, you are implicitly agreeing to it.
We will also collect data in a form that does not, on its own, permit direct association with any specific individual. We may collect, use, transfer and disclose what we deem to be nonpersonal information—including your occupation, language of preference or location—for any purpose, so we like to keep the wording as vague as possible (but it will probably involve more petroleum-based products). BROTHER will attempt to justify this gross violation of your privacy by claiming to use your personal information only to keep you posted on our latest project developments and upcoming events, or to improve current products and services.
SERVICES AND CONTENT USAGE RULES
Your use of the Services and Content must follow the rules set forth in this section (“Usage Rules”). Any other use of the Services and Content is a material breach of this Agreement. BROTHER may monitor your use of the Services and Content to ensure that you are following these Usage Rules.
All Services:
You may use the Services and Content only for personal, noncommercial purposes, such as hooking up or exacting revenge on your coworkers. Any prizes or rewards attained using our Services and Content belong to us as well.
BROTHER’s delivery of Content does not transfer any promotional use rights to you, so don’t try to pass any of this shit off as your own. Like you could come up with this many charts . . .
It is your responsibility not to lose, destroy, or damage Content once purchased. We will monitor this via previously mentioned suite of technologies, in addition to periodic checks of landfills in your Home Country.
You may not tamper with or circumvent any technology included with the Services, but good luck finding any of it.
CONTENT AND SERVICE AVAILABILITY
Terms found in this Agreement that relate to Services, Content types, features or functionality not available in your Home Country are not applicable to you unless and until they become available to you. What does that mean? Good question.
YOUR SUBMISSIONS TO OUR SERVICES
