We will meet again

“How are you, monsieur, it's okay?”

He shook his head, do not understand French. I switched to English. The guy smiled, nodded, wincing a little. He tried to sit down. The crowd around worried, demanding to lie down and wait for the doctor, he was already called. The guy frowned and raised his hand, asking everyone to fall silent. He looked at me and realized how was I uncomfortable here. Did he recognized me? Not? I do not think. He is too young. Even local residents have long ceased to associate the once-famous name with the humble madame. I always introduce myself as my husband's name. So, as a rule, I enjoy my incognito. But I need to take the guy to the hospital, I can not leave him on the street. And there … It will be necessary to fill out documents, to explain to the police. Publicity and a small scandal for the joy of the press. A newspaper headline appeared before my eyes. Oh, how I don't want to … May be, I will wait for the promised doctor and then quietly disappear? No. It's dishonorable.

– Miss, I'm fine, do not worry and sorry. This is my fault, staring and did not notice your car.

I shuddered when I heard this heavy accent. How did he get here? And this old-fashioned "Miss"… But thoughts off, if he's all right, then …

– Are you sure? Maybe it’s still necessary to wait for a doctor or do you want me to take you to the hospital? Not far from here. You never know, it may be a strong injury or fracture. Costs, of course, I …

He did not let me continue and quickly sat down. Yet it hurts him, I can notice this, for many years I studied various facial expressions. And a great idea came to my mind … I lowered my voice and said in a tone of conspirator.

– I guess we can disappear from here?

So he appeared in my home, it was the best way out – I did not leave him and at the same time avoided publicity. And then…

I laid him on the couch in the living room of the first floor. He was very embarrassed, but I insisted. He needs a little rest. I brought coffee, some sweets. Soon he was sitting, finding it impolite to lie in my presence. Easy conversation… He introduced himself, talked a little about himself… I called my name with some tension. Yes, as usual I told my husband's name, but… If my guest finds out? If so, what to do? Ask him not to tell anything to anyone? What an absurdity… No, no reaction. The guy nodded politely, asked what I am doing and so on. Suddenly I was hurt by insult… I looked at him and thought – thousands of people would dream to be in your place. And you sit, drink coffee with my home-made cookies – and you do not even know who you are talking with, in whose house you are. And you will not know… I can even make a movie on this story. I could not stand it and laughed, the insult was gone. I did not think about it a long time – to make a movie… I can call my husband, he is a director. I will call a Friend, how he would be surprised… He may be my producer again. I can even write a script myself. Laughter has become even more fun, the guy looked at me wonderingly, put the cup on the table. I hurried to calm him down.

– Do not pay attention, I just …

– What?

– I just thought that we are like in the old film – I hit you with a car, here we are now, at my home… Good beginning, don't you think? Just imagine…

He smiled back and took the cup again, took a small sip. Looked around the living room. I froze – there are pictures on the walls. Some are signed …

– So you are an actress? But you said that you are engaged in the dress design.

Yes, so I said. And out of habit, I did something out of naughtiness. I do not know why … Apparently, the atmosphere of happening has so affected me. And, he is just a boy, he will not understand the hint, he certainly has not watched that old film. I showed him crossed fingers. He laughed.

– You lied to me!

– Yes! But when you cross your fingers, it's not so serious!

Our loud laughter filled the room, burst into the garden, into the free air and to the bright sun. Laughing, he pointed to the wall. I shrugged in response and sighed.

– Yes, I am an actress. Was.

He appreciated the pause, his face turned serious. He quietly asked.

– Can I see? Allow me?

He watched, I silently stood nearby and waited. After all, he will read the signatures, there are names. My name is there. I will never forget his wide-open eyes. My God … No, there was not usual admiration, delight or something like that. Huge confusion, almost fear. I could not resist and asked when we sat back. I asked for an honest answer. Why? He answered honestly, looking into my eyes.

– I thought you are no longer alive. Please, sorry, I…

– You felt like you saw a ghost, yep?

He hesitated, looked away and shrugged. For a moment it seemed that he wanted to get up and leave. I suddenly wanted to put a palm on his hand, calm him down. I see how he felt uneasy here… Of course, I did not do that. He understood that I was waiting. What he said probably should have hurt me deadly. As articles about how I gained two hundred pounds and I do not appear anywhere because I stopped getting into my evening dresses.

– I know nothing about you except the name. I have not seen your movies, never. Well, we were told at school…

I was curious, I leaned forward.

– What were you told?

He suddenly mischievously smiled at the corners of his mouth and squinted. We both felt that the involuntary tension between us was gone. And – I have not experienced any resentment, quite the contrary. It became very good. As it would be banal, a fan who accidentally came to me… A standard delight in the eyes, boring compliments and questions. Would he eventually ask for an autograph? I would not like… Stay yourself, we do not need this tinsel! Do not disappoint me, let it be a little unexpected adventure for both of us, as if we really in one of the old naive movies.

– So what they told you about me? Come across!

Suddenly I spoke to him like a friend. Why not? Will he take a step towards? Involuntarily I glanced at the wall clock, I wanted to know how much was left before my husband returned. I hope the guy did not notice. What am I doing? Not good. He noticed my quick glance. In his eyes I saw a doubt for a moment, and …

– No, not really about you.

I did not manage to hide the disappointment, it came out funny, we laughed again. I am feeling better and happier, I do not understand why… As if the sparkles flickered in the air merrily gleaming.

– What about?

– About how in one movie you sang romances, this movie called…

And then… I stopped him, raising my hand, slowly got up. Everything turned out on its own, the words of a foreign language poured into the thinly ringing silence of the living room. He froze, the impression that he was afraid to breathe while singing. Very quietly, in a small sound, so as not to carry it far. Not necessary. This is just for him. For me. For both of us. The words of the song subsided, I approached him, close. Eyes, his eyes. Warm, deep, dark brown, attractive. Magic of two in a quiet room. I know that my gaze fixed on him is now the same… Deep brown and clear blue. It's very easy to succumb. In my pictures at such moments the camera slowly ran down, and… He slightly, very slightly, hinted at the movement, moved back, barely perceptible, he doesn't want to hurt me. This is not a movie.

Not. There was nothing, could not be. Can not. For a moment there was a regret, if you would be a little older. Or I'm younger. And all overshadowed by the face of my husband. Not. Never. We will not destroy the intangible thing that united us in these moments. We will save it, together. I am sure that the same thoughts and doubts are in my guest’s soul. There were – and disappeared. And we stayed. But what unexpectedly connected us should have manifested itself. How, in what? And I…

I told him everything. So I wanted. How many times they asked me about it, what famous journalists… What amounts was offered just for the interview, just for the conversation. The answer has always been – no. But now… Wanted to finally speak out. I wanted an eye opposite, attentive gaze, understanding, sympathy. I need sympathy, why? After all, I'm happy. I have everything I dreamed of. But… But…

How good it is that in the dimness and quiet of the room, which only the small lamp lights up, you can just sit next to him – and talk, talk… I didn’t even ask to keep everything in secret – I know that he will keep silence. Interview, which for decades sought from me – here and now. Next to me is not a journalist, not a historian of cinema – an unknown person, almost a young man. He knows only my name. He will know more. I want it. We both want, I see it in his eyes.

My long, very long story… I got carried away, soon I pulled out thick heavy photo albums, we didn’t have enough space on the sofa and a table – we settled right on the carpet, on the floor. Little light here – a large chandelier flashed under the ceiling, illuminating the living room with a festive light. I asked if he was hungry? Without waiting for an answer, I jumped up and swept into the kitchen, as if in an instant I became younger by… By much. I quickly made sandwiches and tea. So funny, he was very embarrassed, but he followed and tried to help. Of course, a living legend – and that's how it looks after him in a simple way. Smears butter on bread and asks if he want fry eggs with ham… No, honey, sit down – I am the hostess, and you are my guest. The story continued. Page after page of thick cardboard. Faces, events. Rows of photos, my finger sliding over them. Sometimes he froze for a moment, as if hesitated to tell. What on the next page… And what is hidden between the neatly pasted pictures. At some moments the voice of reason timidly tried to intervene – be silent, do not. If he wants, he will earn a fortune by simply telling the press… This is a big temptation, will he stand? But I am writing an autobiography… This will be published, everyone will read it anyway. But you also tell what you never write! Do you believe him so much? I believe. I want it. For all the time he did not try to ask anything more, he didn’t show any surprise or emotion. Someone, looking from the side, could think that my guest is indifferent. But I saw what was going on in his soul, saw the fingers clench on the upholstery of the sofa. I saw everything and gave him to see everything, told the most intimate. Why? I do not know. But I am grateful to Providence for sending me this meeting, so unexpected, wonderful. Magic…

– Thank you for this evening …

– Thank you, this is … This is magic… I do not know how to say …

– Do not say. And…

– What?

– You have to leave.

– Yes … It's time.

We were delaying the inevitable moment of farewell – he asked to show him something. I thought for a moment, then the screen flashed – I chose two small passages, I don’t want to waste time on long views. Short time remaining to us… If he wants, he will find everything himself, later. So we stood side by side, lighted by a trembling silvery shine, looked on. We listened. If someone saw us now, he would have thought that we were about to join hands. He would be right. But… Do not.

We must say goodbye. We both know that we will never meet again. How sadly… And yet not. Why? Because subsequent meetings would destroy what was lit between us. Routine… This is a terrible force. Both of us do not want the spark to go out in everyday life. We will keep it. But I want so much to leave something for him… Sometimes he will look at that and remember. I grinned: is it an autograph? To write on a photo? I have dozens of them for fans. "For the long memory, with best wishes, always…" Few simple words, signature. That's how the charm will disappear. What can I give him? I slowly walked over to the mirror, saw my reflection in it, he got up next. He is going to leave… What will I give him? Well, ask yourself, I do not know what to do… Last minutes leave, leave, you will not just disappear, I will give you… What? Flash. I remembered that old letter with a curious request. I did not answer then. And well, because not then, not him. You.

He even retreated a step when, in one motion, I freed my hair, letting them fall on my shoulders, shook my head so that they would scatter… They are still beautiful, right? Like before. Where is… Where did I put it? Here it is. He looked distractedly at what I handed to him, shook his head and whispered.

– Do not.

The silence thickened even more around us, involuntarily catching the sounds of the street, if a car drove up is not audible. My husband, wait … Just wait a bit, give us a few more minutes. I took a step forward without giving up.

– You want this and I want it. Do it yourself, – I smiled and winked, – just be careful, don't take too many. Here it will be unnoticeable.

He tried to smile back and carefully picked up the small scissors, our fingers flinched as they touched. I bowed my head, felt a timid touch, God… We seemed to perform some ancient ritual. I bit my lip, it's good that he does not see my face. How nice that I now do not see his face. Do not. Scissors blades clicked faintly, I lifted my head. A curl of my hair in his hand.

– Give me.

A light blue narrow ribbon wrapped a curl, slowly tied it with a butterfly knot. He silently watched, biting his lip in the same way as I had a moment ago.

– Here.

He looked at him for several long moments, I handed a small envelope… Goodbye, my Guest… Goodbye, my…

– Can I take them?

– No, leave it to me – I want to remember too.

I held out my hand, he put the scissors in my palm, our fingers touched once again. Last time.

I did not offer a ride, did not ask where he was staying. Not asked for a mailing address. I only know the name. He disappeared around the bend of the street. Never looked back. Goodbye. I touched the spot where he cut the curl. When he held it in his hand, I saw that he was struggling with the desire to bring it to face, to inhale the smell. I know that he will do it later. Tears filled my eyes, wiped them with a quick movement. We will remember each other. Forever.

Tears sprang to my eyes… Here it is, a turn, behind which her unexpected guest disappeared. How unusual and strange it was to see everything from the side, as if a mischievous thought came true and for that story someone made a picture. But where is the inscription "The end"? It will not be? What else will be shown? Subsequent life? Leaving and marriage of the daughter… Then the son healed his life. The death of her husband… She was with him and held his hand when he left. Long, long fourteen years in a quiet, empty house. Does she want to see it? Not. And it seems that the unknown force that has unfolded a whole life in front of her agrees.

Fingers squeezed the glass, she drank the rest of the water in it in one gulp, looked around. The carafe is empty. Scorching thirst receded, it was replaced by an ever-increasing subtle ringing in the ears, the heart suddenly gave an interruption, then another one… The son warned. Let be! She killed herself now, but it was worth it! If she didn’t get up, if she didn’t go to the window, if she didn’t find the strength, she wouldn’t be given her life again, she wouldn’t have been able to see, hear, feel… Exchange it for some more days or even weeks on air mattress? A quiet stubborn whisper – no. No! The heartbeat is getting stronger, faster, the drumming louder in her ears, breathing has gone, she staggered, squeezed her fingers on the sill with all her might. Go back to the bed, press a button, call for help… No! Not. It seemed to her that these words she had shouted directly into the black sky, which was covered with the twinkling patterns of the constellations. The sun had set on the fields and night covered the garden. How hard it is to breathe, how scary… So this moment has come. Now she is ready. But what is it?

Suddenly everything around was lighted up with a bright festive light, everything disappeared in it's invincible radiance – the house, the room… Where is it? What with her? The pain disappeared, the breathing calmed down, the heart… It still pounding, but – exactly, strongly, quickly. She is just worried. Very worried, because now…

“What about singing, Patsy?”

Lord… She shuddered when she heard this romping cry from above, from the gallery. Patsy? Her name is different. This is not her name, so called… Gallery? Where did it come from? Who is this tall, broad-shouldered man leaning toward her, leaning heavily on the railing with his large, loaded hands? He is dressed in a tuxedo, a snow-white shirt is visible, but… It is evident that the man usually use completely different clothes, simple, working. Understanding came – he borrowed it all somewhere or rented to come here. He came to listen to her, look at her. Support and encourage her. She is scared… Why? Is it at her age to afraid of something? How old is she? The thought stumbled, reality and memories mixed up. She looked around… The bright light of searchlights, a lot of people, the glitter of jewels and glasses of theatrical binoculars. She need to say something… Oh… She forgot her cue, forgot the role. What to do? How bad…

– This is no longer a movie, you do not play a role. Everything is now for real. Do not be afraid… You're among friends, forever.

What? Who said this? She turned sharply. And she pressed her hand to her mouth. It does not happen! She called him the Bird because of thin tall figure, the flying gait, the rebellious head of hair and hands. When he worked, they looked like wings and she thought he about to take off. She admired him. But he died. A long time ago. How can he talk to her now? A calm thought has come – now he can. What a kind, encouraging smile he has… So she is also dead? Not. Here she stands in front of everyone, young, strong, joyful again. The senile night gown has disappeared. A white glittering dress is on her and she even want to spin around. Almighty Lord… There in the front row – dad, mom. A sister waving her hand. Teddy. And here is a Friend. She froze for a moment, her eyes darting around, searching. He is not here. So, the time has not come yet. But they will meet, they will surely meet, now she knows! And now…

He approaches her, a little ungainly, just like on the first meeting, like on the first date. He is here – and could not be otherwise. They will not part. Never.

– I'm here, darling.

And everything disappeared, remaining behind the veil of silver shine. Like a curtain fell. The screen outside went out. Silence.

How slowly the glass sparkling in the light of a night-lamp falls… The sound of glass shattered to smithereens. A knock on the door wide open, a shadow on the threshold.

– Mother!

** On April 30, 2013, a son's message was published, according to which the actress died a few days ago. No other details of death and burial were available. According to rumors, the body was cremated, the ashes scattered.

The autobiography of the actress was never published. Told by that magical evening – still remained between her and the Guest. He is alive, he remembers everything and keeps entrusted to him in silence. The time will come – they will meet again .