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The Power of Social Intelligence: 10 ways to tap into your social genius
Tony Buzan
10 ways to tap into your social geniusBy developing your Social Intelligence you can understand and appreciate everyone you meet; what motivates them, what their personal needs are, and how you can make them comfortable and pleased to be with you.With four colour maps and lively text this book shows you how to:Improve every aspect of your social skills, both in relationships and at workBecome more confidentHave a more active and successful social lifeBecome a better communicator and a a fearless public speakerImprove every aspect of your social skills, in relationships and at work
The Power of Social Intelligence
Tony Buzan
Dedication
This book is dedicated to the celebration of the extraordinary Social Intelligence of my friend and Personal Assistant, Lesley Bias, and to the 20th anniversary of our working together. During that time Lesley has dealt personally with hundreds of thousands of people from all walks of life and from approximately 100 different countries around the world. She is universally admired and held in great affection.
Lesley, this one's for you!
Contents
Title Page
Dedication
List of Mind Maps
Chapter 1: What is Social Intelligence – And Why Does it Matter?
Chapter 2: Reading People – Body Language and How to Master It
Chapter 3: The Art of Listening
Chapter 4: Making Connections
Chapter 5: How to Shine in Groups
Chapter 6: ‘Attitood’ About Attitude
Chapter 7: Negotiations – How to Win Friends and Influence People
Chapter 8: Social Graces – Or What to Do When …
Chapter 9: Signposts for Social Success
Chapter 10: The ‘Power of Ten’
Social Intelligence Survey Questionnaire – Answers (#litres_trial_promo)
Picture Section
Acknowledgements
Other Books by Tony Buzan
Copyright
About the Publisher
List of Mind Maps
Summary Mind Map (#litres_trial_promo)
of Chapter 2 (#litres_trial_promo) – Who Am I? – how you project yourself – knowledge, communication, body language.
Summary Mind Map (#litres_trial_promo)
of Chapter 3 (#litres_trial_promo) – Listening Skills – balancing listening and speaking – the 2:1 ratio, developing listening skills.
Summary Mind Map (#litres_trial_promo)
of Chapter 4 (#litres_trial_promo) – Networking – meeting and influencing people – presentation, first and last impressions.
Summary Mind Map (#litres_trial_promo)
of Chapter 5 (#litres_trial_promo) – How to Shine in Groups – standing out from the crowd, using your brain to impress – memory, names, conversation.
Summary Mind Map (#litres_trial_promo)
of Chapter 6 (#litres_trial_promo) – Confidence Building – relating to others through self-confidence, inspiring confidence – attitudes and behaviour.
Summary Mind Map (#litres_trial_promo)
of Chapter 7 (#litres_trial_promo) – Negotiation – resolving conflicts and disagreements amicably – compromise, patience, understanding.
Summary Mind Map (#litres_trial_promo)
of Chapter 8 (#litres_trial_promo) – Social Graces – showing care and consideration – thanks, celebrations, gifts, condolences.
Summary Mind Map (#litres_trial_promo)
of Chapter 9 (#litres_trial_promo) – Planning a Party – applying what you have learned.
What Is Social Intelligence –
And Why Does It Matter?
Chapter One
Does the thought of walking into a party full of total strangers fill you with dread?
Does the idea of making small talk with your possible future in-laws leave you a gibbering wreck?
Have you ever been introduced to a group of people, only to forget their names instantly and flounder for something to say?
Do you want to make a good impression at a job interview, but are so nervous you can hardly speak?
Do you wish that you could happily talk to people and make friends easily?
If any of the above scenarios has struck a chord with you, or if your Social Intelligence could do with a bit of a boost, The Power of Social Intelligence is designed to help you.
‘Social Intelligence’ is simply the degree to which we ‘get along with’ and relate to other people around us. Human beings are, after all, social animals, and this ability is absolutely vital if we are to get on in life and enjoy ourselves.
Social Intelligence – A Definition
Almost all of us, if we are being honest, would admit that our ‘social skills’ could do with a quick polish, and there is a vast range of skills which comprise Social Intelligence.
To begin with, you need to be able to relate to people on a one-to-one basis, in small groups, to a whole roomful of people, and to even larger gatherings. You are involved in Brain-to-Brain communication. The human brain is the most complex, sophisticated and powerful organ in the known universe. To deal with one (your own!) is a hard-enough task. To deal simultaneously with large numbers of other brains successfully is surely a sign of genius!
Socially Intelligent people have to use all of the power of their own brains and bodies to communicate with and to ‘read’ others. They have to acquire attitudes that encourage others to grow, create, communicate and befriend, and they have to know both how to make and to keep friends!
This massively important intelligence also involves being able to negotiate, as a skilled canoeist does, the rapids of conflict and negotiation situations, mistakes and endings.
All of these skills require that the Socially Intelligent person is a superb conversationalist and listener, able to relate successfully with the wider world. Socially Intelligent people are comfortable with others from different backgrounds, ages, cultures and social strata, and (more importantly) are able to make those people feel relaxed and comfortable around them.
Managers need Social Intelligence to do their jobs effectively. So do sales assistants, receptionists, teachers, doctors, social workers, hotel staff … in fact, anyone who deals with any other people at all in the course of their day! Social IQ is one of the most important and beneficial intelligences that we can cultivate – and the good news is, it can be cultivated!
Social Intelligence – Strengths and Weaknesses
Take a few minutes and jot down on a large sheet of paper the areas of your life where you think that your social strengths and weaknesses lie. Make sure you consider both your home life and your work life – it is amazing how many successful business and professional people find talking to people in a social setting difficult!
Possible areas of your life to think about include:
Listening to people
Being aware of how other people are feeling
‘Selling’ yourself or your ideas
Having a positive attitude towards yourself
Having a positive attitude towards others
Dealing with awkward or embarrassing situations gracefully
Building good rapport with people
Standing out in a crowd – for all the right reasons!
A Cautionary Tale of Social Intelligence – Part One
When I was a teenager I thought that the way to become popular was to be ‘smart’ and fit. I went to parties and social events flaunting my high IQ, analysing the faults in others, getting into discussions in which I always tried to prove that my ‘opponents’ were wrong and I was right, and showing off my good (but rigid!) physique.
Having been told that a high IQ and a fit body were the paths to success, I was taken aback by the number of enemies I was unintentionally making, and the lack of friendship my ‘smart/tough/correct’ presence was generating.
My realization that simply winning debates was not the way to social success was helped along by my father. Once, when I had won the battle – the argument – and lost the war in a social situation, my father gave me a little poem that he said would help me improve my social awareness. The poem went as follows:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Grey,
Who died defending his right of way.
He was perfectly right as he sped along
But he’s just as dead as if he’d been wrong!
I began to look around at those who were obviously more socially successful than me. I noticed that they were doing many things that at that time were alien to me, and the opposite of what I had been taught was ‘acceptable behaviour’ in my school life.
The most popular (and most happy!) people were always smiling and laughing and telling jokes (I ‘couldn’t!); they were expressive and open, helpful and considerate of others, and tended to avoid arguments. To make matters even worse for my sensitive teenage soul, they were much more relaxed, much more confident, and much more successful in attracting romance!
Gradually the light began to dawn. My IQ and muscles were not the only strengths I had to develop if I wished to be socially successful: I had to pay attention to the vitally important skills of understanding other people – of interpersonal skills – of Social Intelligence.
The Power of Social Intelligence will help save you the trouble of some of those unnecessary experiences I had, and bring you more rapidly the rewards that this amazing Intelligence can bring.
To survive and prosper in the maelstrom of social interactions and life, it is vital to understand and master the intricacies of this incredible intelligence. And it is not only your social life, and that of others around you that will benefit – being successful socially has a fortunate, immediate and positive impact on your wealth, and on your physical well being, as the following study reveals.
Want a Cure for Your Colds? Live a Varied Social Life!
Psychologist Sheldon Cohen, of Carnegie Mellon University, has confirmed previous studies that suggest that colleagues, relatives, friends and lovers can act as a ‘team’ to help protect you from the common cold. Previous studies suggested that people with more active social lives were both healthier and lived longer. Cohen’s study has refined this finding, pointing out that it is not simply the absolute number of social contacts that is important; it is their diversity.
Cohen and his colleagues recruited 151 women and 125 men and asked them to keep a record of all the people with whom they had contact at least once every two weeks. As well as the number of people contacted, they were asked also to record the diversity of their social network, breaking down their contacts into 12 categories, including neighbours, colleagues, parents, partners, etc.
The women and men were then exposed to the common cold virus and a record of their rate of infection was also kept.
Of those people with fewer relationships and with restricted social networks, 62 per cent developed colds. However, only 35 per cent of people with relationships from six or more of the categories developed a cold. Cohen theorizes that one of the reasons for the greater immunity is that diverse social networks induced a ‘feel-good factor’ that boosts the ability of the immune system to attack invading viruses.
The Power of Social Intelligence – An Overview
The Power of Social Intelligence is divided into 10 chapters, each one building on the others to help you accelerate the growth of your Social Intelligence as you progress through the book. This chapter, Chapter 1, has given you a quick insight into the importance and potential power of your Social IQ. Here is an overview of the rest of the book.
Chapter 2: (#ud6a78477-defd-5e92-9148-2d4a7917f5a0) Reading People – Body Language and How to Master It
More than half of all communication is through body language. In this chapter I will explain how you project an image of yourself through your body language, and how to read other people through theirs. The human body is a remarkable instrument. It plays the ‘music of communication’ in very subtle ways. If you learn to play it well, your social rewards will be great.
Chapter 3: (#u150de1b8-87a5-5838-80ec-e1926929425b) The Art of Listening
The most Socially Intelligent people are not the ones who say the most – they are the ones who listen the most. In this chapter I will introduce you to the art and science of listening, showing you simple ways in which you can become a master of conversation by saying less!
Remember: you have one mouth and two ears. Think about it!
Chapter 4: (#litres_trial_promo) Making Connections
It is the natural goal of every human being to want to win friends, to influence people, to be popular, to converse easily, to negotiate with others successfully, and to deal with social relationships in a way that produces the results they desire. Read this chapter and find out how!
Chapter 5: (#litres_trial_promo) How to Shine in Groups
