The Complete Works of Josh Billings

The old saying haz it, “it iz a wize child that knows hiz own father,” but in theze daze ov progreshun it iz a wize father that knows hiz own child.

The vanity ov most men iz so mutch more than a match for their experience that they seldum learn enny thing bi experience.

The pashuns are like the wick ov a lighted kandle – they don’t die out untill they are burnt out.

Thare iz lots ov folks who are in sich a grate hurry tew git religion that they confess sins they aint gilty ov, and overlook thoze that they am.

A man with a hed phull ov branes kan afford tew be kareless once in a while, for even hiz blunders are brilliant.

Experience inkreases our wizdum, but don’t reduse our phollys.

Buty iz power; but the most treacherous one i kno ov.

The man who haz got into the habit ov never making enny blunders, iz altogether too good to liv in this world.

Wimmin bi natur are all coquets, and men bi natur are all braggarts.

I will say this for man – i don’t kno ov enny enterprize he haz ever undertaken yet which had for its desighn the general interest ov humanity, but what haz succeeded.

If i am charitable, if i am komplasent, if i am grateful, if i am honest, if i am virtewous – what ov it? – i hav simply dun mi duty.

I am satisfied that thare aint no sich thing az eloquent words. Eloquence lays in manner, and i hav even seen an eloquent necktie.

Style iz everything for a sinner, and a leetle ov it won’t hurt even a saint.

Gravity, az a general thing, iz either the wizdum ov a phool or the cunning ov a raskall.

Humility iz a good thing tew hav, provided a man iz sure he haz got the right kind. Thare never iz a time in a kat’s life when she iz so humble az just before she makes up her mind tew pownce onto a chicken, or just after she haz caught and et it.

PLUM PITS

A man with a few brains iz like a dorg with one flea on him, dredful oneazy.

I have alwus notised when an individual haint got the ability tew criticise judiciously, he dams indiskriminately.

What do yu bet Fame iz? I bet it iz climeing a greased pole tew win a puss ov 10 dollars and spileing a suit ov clothes worth fifteen.

New York iz a fast place. If a man pulls out on a phuneral procession, jist az likely az not the whole procession, led bi the hearse hoss, will strike a 2-40 gait and leave him tew take their dust.

Ambishun iz like hunger – it obeys no law but its appetight.

There iz no medicine like a good joke; it iz a silver-coated pill that frolicks and phisicks on the run.

Beauty iz a morning dream which the breakfast bell puts an end to.

The man who never makes enny blunders will never rise in the esteem ov the world abuv the reputashun ov a good guide-board.

I dont want enny better proof ov a good hod-carrier than tew hear another hod-carrier say, “He iz a cussid phool and dont understand hiz bizzness.”

Poverty and ritches are mere imaginative distinkshuns. The man who kan eat hiz bread and be happy iz certainly richer than he who kant eat it unless it iz spred with butter.

“Vote early and vote often,” is the Politishun’s golden rule. Du unto others az yu would be dun by.

What ticket do you vote?

I never knew but one infidel in mi life, and he had no more courage than a haff drowned kitten jist pulled out ov a swill barrel, and waz az afraid tew die az the devil would be if he waz allowed tew visit this earth, for a short seazon to recruit himself.

Debt iz a trap which a man sets and baits himself and then deliberately gits into.

Disseaze and pills, when they enter a man’s boddy, are like two lawyers when they undertake tew settle hiz affairs, they compromise the matter by laying out the patient.

One good way i kno ov to find happiness iz not by boreing a hole to fit the plugg, but by making a plugg to fit the hole.

A lie iz like nitro-glycerine, the best ov judges kant tell when it iz going tew bust and skatter confushun.

A kicking cow never lets drive untill jist az the pail iz full, and seldum misses the mark; it iz jist so with sum men’s blunders.

Az the flint kontains the spark, unknown tew itself, which the steel alone kan wake into life, so adversity often reveals tew us hidden gems which prosperity or negligence would forever hav hid.

About one haff the pitty in this world iz not the result ov sorrow, but satisfackshun that it aint our hoss that haz had hiz leg broke.

Most people when they cum tew yu for advice cum tew hav their own opinyuns strengthened, not correkted.

Men seem tew me, now-a-days, tew be divided into slow Christians and wide awake sinners.

Thare iz lots ov folks who are like a pump, not ov enny use tew themselfs, but simply a handle and suckshun for others.

All happiness iz like gold quartz, thare iz four quartz ov stone to one ounce ov gold.

Hope and Debt are partners in trade – Hope hunts up the customers and Debt skins them.

Hunger iz a slut hound on a fresh track.

Toil swets at the brow, but idleness swets all over.

Dispair iz the ashes ov hope, which the wind ov tribulashun skatters.

A man has got about done going down hill when he gits whar he brags on hiz lazyness; such a kritter is ov no more use tew himself nor others than a frozen-tew-death rooster in a barnyard.

He who spends all hiz substance in charity will undoutedly git his reward here and hereafter; but hiz reward here will be the poor-house.

Give a smart child a pack ov kards and a spellin book, and he will larn tew pla a good game ov hi lo jak long before he kan spell a word ov two sillables.

A lie iz good for a short race, but it takes truth tew run the heats – “blood will tell.”

Thare iz a huge number ov souls perambulating around the world who hav bin straining for years after a camel and finally had to swallow a nat.

We should awl aim at perfeckshun, but no one but a phool will expekt tew reach it.

Pride livs on itself, it iz like a raccoon in winter, keep fatt bi sucking its claws.

Laffing devils are the most dangerous. If i had a mule that wouldn’t neither kik nor bite, i should watch him dredful spry till i found out whare hiz malice lay.

GNATS

I dont kno az it iz a very difficult thing tew be a good injun up in heaven, but tew cum down here and be a good injun, iz just whare the tite spot cums in.

Forgiving our enemys haz the same refreshing effekt upon our souls az it duz tew confess our sins.

What a lamentable cuss man iz, he pittys hiz nabors misfortunes, bi calling them judgments from heaven.

Wize men go thru this world az boys go tew bed in the dark, whistling tew shorten the distance.

“The gods help them who help themselfs.” Upon the same principle mankind praze thoze who praze themselfs.

Falling in love iz like falling into mollassiss, sweet but dreadful dobby.

Hunters and gamblers are poor ekonemists, they kill time, a species ov game that kant be reproduced.

Good breeding iz the art ov avoiding familiarity, and at the same time making the company satisfied with you and pleazed with themselfs.

Tew be happy – take things az they cum, and let them go jist az they cum.

It takes a grate deal of money tew make a man ritch, but it don’t take but little virtew.

It iz the little things ov this life that plague us —

Muskeeters are plenty, elephants skarse.

What an agreeable world this would be tew liv in if we could pump all the pride and selfishness out ov it! It would improve it az much az taking the fire and brimstun out ov the other world.

Don’t mistake plezzure for happiness; it iz entirely a different breed ov dogs. Thare is a grate deal ov exquisitt plezzure in happiness, but thare iz a grate deal ov plezzure that haz no happiness in it.

Thare iz only one thing that i kan think ov now, that i like to see idleness in, and that iz, in mollassiss – i want mi mollassiss slo and eazy.

Experience haz the same effekt on most folks that age haz on a goose, it makes them tuffer.

“Sewing Sosietys,” are generally places whare the wimmin meet to rip and so – up the naberhood.

A lazy man iz one who haz no time to spare; an industrious man iz one who haz more time to spare than he knows what to do with.

It takes a smart man to conceal from others what he don’t kno.

A lazy man alwus works harder than a bizzy one – the hardest work i kno ov, iz to grunt – it iz harder tew set still, and fite flies, than it iz tew git up and escape from them.

KINDLING WOOD

Young man, when yu hav tew sarch Webster’s Dickshionary tew find words big enuff tew convey yure meaning yu kan make up yure mind that yu don’t mean mutch.

We admire modesty in a woman for the same reason that we admire bravery in a man.

Genuine grief iz like penitence, not klamorous but subdued; sorrow from the hous tops and penitence in a market place shows more ambishun than piety.

About the best thing that experiense kan do for us iz tew learn us how tew enjoy mizery.

It iz a grate art tew kno how tew “gather figs from thistles,” but philosophy teaches it.

The reazon whi so phew people are happy in this world iz bekauze they mistake their boddys for their souls.

We are poor not from what we need, but from what we want; necissitys are not only natral, but cheap.

I had rather hav a drop ov pepmint ile than a quart ov pepmint essence – i had rather drink out ov a spring than tew drink a hundred yards belo, for this reazon, when I read a book it iz one written by an old author whoze thoughts the modern writer haz attempted tew improve bi diluting.

This world iz phull ov heros and heroines, and the reason whi so menny ov them live unnoticed iz bekause they adorn every day life and not an ockashun.

All suckcessful flirts hav sharp eyes, one eye they keep on yu and one on the other phellow.

Vanity iz called a discreditabel pashun, but the good things that men do kan oftner be traced tew their vanity than tew their virtew.

Man iz a hily eddikated animal.

Don’t never phrovesy, yung man, for if yu phrovesy wrong, noboddy will forgit it, and if yu phrovesy right noboddy will remember it.

Tounge-tied wimmin are very skarse and very valuable.

Excentricitys when they are natral are sum indikashun ov a superior mind; thoze who think different from others are apt tew ackt different.

Vain men should be treated az boys treat bladders, blo them up till they bust.

It iz a grate art tew be superior tew others without letting them kno it.

Thare iz not only phun but thare is virtew in a harty laff; animals kant laff and devils won’t.

Don’t never quarrel with a loafer. Skurrillity iz hiz trade; yu never kan make him ashamed, but he iz sure tew mak yu.

I hav alwus noticed that he iz the best talker whoze thoughts agree with our own.

He who ackquires wealth dishonestly iz too corrupt tew enjoy it.

When beset with misfortins we should do az the sailors do in a gale – run before the wind.

Adversity iz the fire that tempers the iron ov man into steel.

I never had a man cum tew me for advise yet but what i soon diskovered that he thought more ov hiz own opinyun than he did ov mine.

Edukashun that don’t learn a man how tew think iz like knowing the multiplikashun forward but not bakwards.

Suckcess in this life iz like watching for a rat – the rat iz quite az app tew cum out at the other eend ov the hole.

Adversity haz the same effek on a phool that a hornet duz on a mule – it sets them tew kiking bak.

One ov the privileges ov old age seems tew be tew giv advise that noboddy will phollow, and relating experiences that every boddy distrusts.

An ill-natured old man and an old chawed up bull tarrier are just the things tew set side bi side sumwhare in the sun, and fite flies for amuzement!

Vice in the young fills us with horror – in the old, with disgust.

Ambishun iz az natral tew the soul ov man az blood iz tew hiz boddy. Thare ain’t a shu blak on the face ov the earth but what beleaves he kan “shine em up” a leetle better than enny one else.

The only thing that we are positively sure ov in this life seems tew be the only thing that we think aint never a going tew happen, and that iz —death.

The grate desire ov mi life iz tew amuze sumboddy. I had rather be able tew set the multiplikashun table tew sum lively tune than tew hav bin the author ov it.

The man who never makes enny blunders seldum makes enny good hits.

Truth iz the only thing that Time cannot destroy, and Eternity cannot dispense with.

Life iz short, but if yu notis the way most people spend their time, yu would suppoze that life waz everlasting.

The grate advantage ov good breeding iz that it makes the phools endurable.

The snobs are all either half-breeds or dunghills.

Forms and cerimonys are just az mutch necessary in the church az uniforms are in the field; strip an army ov its cockades and brass buttons, and it would bekum a mob.

Ill bred people are alwus the most cerimonius, the kitchen alwus beats the parlor in punktillio.

If yu want tew be good, all yu hav tew do is tew obey God, luv man, and hate the devil.

Politeness iz the cheapest investment I kno ov, it iz like lighting another man’s kandle bi yours.

I rather admire the insolent civility ov a bull-tarrier, who only growls when i pass by him, but i never did like it in a man.

To be a good critic, requires more brains and judgment than most men possess.

It requires more good judgment to kno when tew talk, than what tew say.

The reason whi comik lektring is so hard tew do, iz bekauze most people go tew hear it out ov kuriosity, and kuriosity iz the hardest kind ov a thing tew suit.

Good books, mi dear, are the best friends yu kan hav, they never will cloy, and never will betray you.

A complasent man makes every boddy pleased with him, and what iz more, pleazed with themselfs.

If we couldn’t neither laff nor kry, what miserable kritters we should be.

When a man gits so low down that he iz willing tew be despized, he has tuched bottom.

After all, great conversashional powers make a man more feared than beloved.

In grate crowds ov persons, like grate floks ov birds, thare iz mutch more noise and chattering than sense.

Thare are but dredful phew people who kan talk ten minnits tew yu without lugging into the conversashun their bak or stummuk akes.

PHISH BAWLS

Sins are the only things that I repent ov, i never could make ennything repenting ov blunders.

I thank the Lord for this, we all ov us hav some good thing tew lay our bad luk to besides ourselfs.

Whisky friends are the most unprofitable ones i kno ov, they are alwus reddy tew drink with yu, but when yu are reddy tew drink with them, then they aint dry.

I look upon a pure joke with the same venerashun that i do upon the 10 commandments.

Yu kant hire a man tew be honest, he will want hiz wages raized every morning.

The most suckcessful men i hav ever known, are those who are konstantly making blunders, but never seem tew kno it.

I kno plenty ov folks who are so kondem kontrary, that if they should fall into the river, they would insist upon floating up stream.

One ov the most reliable phrophets i kno ov iz an old hen, they dont phrophesy enny egg, untill after the egg haz happened.

Mi opinyun iz, and will kontinue tew be, that the phools hav done about az mutch hurt in this world az the malishus hav.

Temper should be curbed, not broken.

I dont kno ov enny thing in this world, that iz worth more, than money that iz honestly got, and virteuously spent.

The truly great are alwus the eazyest tew approach.

Fun, deviltry, and death, lurk in the wine-cup.

I wouldn’t undertake tew korrekt a mans sektarian views enny quicker than i would tell him which road tew take at a 4 corners, when i didn’t know miself which waz the right one.

I haven’t mutch doubt that man sprung from the monkey, but what bothers me, iz, whare the cussid monkey sprung from.

After a man haz got a good opinyun ov himself, the next best thing iz tew hav the good opinyun ov others.

Most enny boddy thinks they kan be a good phool, and they kan, but tew play the phool good iz not so handy.

It may be a leetle vexashus, but i don’t konsider it enny disgrace tew be bit bi a dog.

Abuse generally iz helthy, but sumtimes it cums from so low a source that it don’t do a man enny good.

It takes more time and tallents tew be a suckcessful hypokrit than it duz tew be a christian.

Thare are but phew things that we suffer more misery from than we do from cowardice.

The cluss intimacys ov old age seem tew konsist in kompareing gouts and rumatiss.

Mankind in general seem tew take about az mutch pride in bragging ov their faults az ov their virtews.

About the best that enny ov us kan do iz tew konceal our phailings.

Persons ov the koldest naturs when they do love, love the fiercest – so green wood when it gits tew burning makes the hottest fire.

Suckcess iz az hard tew define az falling oph from a log, a man kant alwuss tell exackly how he did it.

Thare iz one pashun (and it iz the meanest one) that no man who haz ever lived, haz been free from, and that iz envy.

Indolence iz one ov the strongest pashuns, becauze it iz one ov the most natral ones.

Integrity in youth iz allmost certain tew bekum wisdum, and honor in old age.

Thare iz no person worth being jealous ov who iz willing tew be the kause ov it.

Wise men hav but phew konfidants, and cunning ones, none.

Heaven iz ever kind tew us, she puts our humps on our backs, so that we kant see them.

The genuine christians are the laffing ones, the man who haz tew watch hiz morality all the time for fear it will kik up its heels iz phull ov the devil’s oats.

Hunting for a honest man iz just about as mutch like work az trieing tew trace out a kat’s pedigree.

Most ov the excentricitys we meet with amung men iz mere affektashun.

Pashunce iz a good thing for a man tew hav, provided he don’t hav too mutch ov it; thare iz a point at which pashunce begins tew be ignorance.

Take the mistery out ov things and they lose two-thirds of their attrackshun.

When a man iz thoroughly lazy, he iz good for nothing only tew shoot at.

Thare would be but mighty phew sekrets in this world if folks would tend tew their own bizness.

The man who wears out iz like a nimble sixpence – he iz alwus worth the face, and keeps bright to the last.

Yu may make a mistake in a man’s kapacity, but yu kant in hiz vanity.

Natur never haff-finishes a job, nor underlets a kontrakt.

Take all the dangers out ov this world and it would be a coward’s paradise.

Thare ain’t ennything that will kompletely kure lazyness, but i hav known a seckond wife tew hurry it sum.

A good naturd man haz got one ov them kind ov souls that will gro ennything that iz planted in it, good, bad, or indiffirent.

Human happiness iz sutch an eazy, simple thing that thoze who hav the most ov it kno it the least.

Thare are men in this world whom flattery makes stronger, bekauze it makes them more kareful; but sutch men are skarse.

Yu kant larn a piggin tew fli slo, nor a snail tew trot fast.

The only safe way for most people tew git along in this world iz tew watch others, and do jist az they do.

Human happiness iz like Joseph’s coat – a thing of menny colors.

I kant tell which iz the wuss off, the man who iz all hed and no heart, or the one who iz all heart and no hed.

Hope iz no flatterer – she cheats every body alike, but after all, iz the best friend we have got.

Every boddy seems tew dispize a hippokrit – God, man, and the devil.

An idle man iz always a bizzy one – he spends all hiz time hunting for nothing to do.

Thare are but phew people in this world who make more trouble than a bizzy phool.

Knowledge iz power no doubt, but it iz not always virtew – thare are sum people who only edukate their vices.

Every man should kno sumthing ov law – if he knows enuff tew keep out ov it, he iz a pretty good lawyer.

Waiting for a ded mans shoes iz just az mean az stealing the shoes before the man dies.

The best reformers are thoze who are all the time trieing tew reform themselfs, thus presenting tew the world one good example, worth at least a dozen precepts.

Rum, dice, and lust bring all men tew one common level.

About the only difference between the poor and the ritch, is this, the poor suffer misery, while the ritch hav tu enjoy it.

The time tew pray is not when we are in a tight spot, but jist as soon as we git out ov it.

There iz 2 things in this life for which we are never fully prepared, and that iz twins.

Yu ma make a whissel out ov a pig’s tale, but if yu du, you’ll find you’ve spilte a very worthy tale, and got a devilish poor whissel.

STRAY CHILDREN

I dont think thare iz ennything that a man iz remarkable for, that iz more kultivated, than hiz excentricitys.

Thare iz this diffrence at least, between wit and humor, wit makes yu think, humor makes you laff.

I luv praze, but despise flattery.

I wouldn’t giv a shilling a pound for religion that yu kant take ennywhere out into the world with yu, even tew a hoss race, if yu hav a mind tew, without losing it.

Tew do nothing, and tew be ov no use tew ennyboddy, iz the privilege ov wild beasts.

The best way tew convince a phool he iz wrong, iz tew let him hav hiz own way.

The very thing that most men think they have got the most ov, they hav got the least ov, and that iz judgement.

A man iz vain just in proportion tew hiz pholly, and wize, just in proportion tew hiz humility.

A vain man, flushed with success, spreads himself like a peakock, in a fair day, but when hiz hour ov trial cums, like a peakock, in a wet day, he folds hiz spread, “and steals silently away.”

When vice leaves an old man, it iz no ways certain that virtew takes the place ov it, for sin sumtimes quits us bekause it haz nothing to feed on.

Alwus foller yure own advise, and let other folks foller theirs.

People who havn’t got ennything tew say, kan always find the most tew talk about.

Most folks think, if they were tew liv their lives over agin, they would do different, but i hav never heard enny ov them propose to liv better.

It seems very natral for all ov us to think that the world would git along very poorly, if it want for us, and if thare want but one man left on the face ov the earth, he would think just so too.

The luxurys ov life, which are so often reprimandid, are after all the prinsipal promoters ov industry.

Munny ain’t akumulated so mutch tew satisfy wants, as tew kreate them.

It iz a very wize man who is able tew hide his ignorance.

Wisdum iz another name for genius, and both are the gift of God.

A man kant learn tew be wize, enny more than he kan learn tew be hansum.

One man, of good 40 hoss power common sens, iz worth more in the world than a whole drove of geniuses.

Fools and drunken men alwus make this mistake, the one thinks they are sensible, and the other alwus think they are sober.

Deference iz the best kard i know ov tew play, it iz not only eazier, but a grate deal more profitable to make 10 men think they are abuv you, than tew make one think you are abuv him.

Don’t forgit, yung man, that excesses in youth are a mortgage in favor ov disseaze by and by, which will not fail to forclose and enter on the premises.

I hav made a kluss kalkulashun on it, and i find that there aint more than 3 men, now on earth, nor never haint been, who kan kultivate an excentricity with suckcess.

I hate a crowd, bekauze crowds are made up ov people who aint ov much ackount, only tew help make up a crowd.

Don’t borry nor lend, but if you must do one, lend.

Giv me an inkum ov 10 thousand, 500 a year, and i will agree tew be a philosopher the rest ov mi days.

He whom prosperity humbles, and adversity strengthens, is the true hero.