Josh Billings on Ice, and Other Things

Even their tails can be wurked up into whissells.

Hogs are good quiet boarders; they alwus eat what iz set before them, and don't ask enny foolish questions.

They never hav enny disseaze but the meazles, and they never hav that but once; once seems to satisfy them.

Thare iz a grate menny breeds amongst them.

Sum are a close corporation breed, and sum are bilt more apart, like a hemlock slab.

They used to hav a breed in New England, a few years ago, which they called the striped hog breed. This breed waz in high repute among the landlords; almost evry tavern keeper had one, which he used tew show tew travelers, and brag on him.

Sum are full in the face, like a town clock, and some are az long and lean az a cow-catcher, with a steel pinted noze on them.

They kan awl rute well; a hog that kant rute well, haz bin made in vain.

They are a short lived animal, and generally die az soon az they git fatt.

The hog kan be larnt a grate menny cunning things, such az highsting the front gate off from the hinges, tipping over the swill barrells, and finding a hole in the fence to git into a cornfield, but thare ain't enny length tew their memory; it iz awful hard work for them tew find the same hole to git out at, espeshly if yu are at all anxious they should.

Hogs are very kontrary, and seldom drive well the same way yu are going; they drive the most the other way; this haz never bin fully explained, but speaks volumes for the hog.

XLV.

ON SOWING MACHINES

Dear Morse – I this morning had makrel for brekfast, and also yure letter, enklosing a prospektus uv yure "Improved swivel stitch and back action sowing masheen," and must say i am tickled tew deth with her.

It strikes me that it must be equal tew a small drove uv nu milk cows in a family.

If the masheen iz only one quarter az good az the prospektus iz, yure fortune iz az certain and lasting az the rocks.

Don't hesitate tew send me one ov the masheens, and i will return the prospektus.

I hav now 3 sowing masheens on hand; one i hav had 24 years, the other two about 20 & 18 years respektivly.

The old masheen iz a gem, and will sow on a patch quicker than the hole was made.

The other two are smaller, and are halleluger itself on worsted work and ornamental blister.

I would part with the 2 younger ones if enny fust rate chance offered, and furnish a prospektus that would beat the Song ov Solaman.

Az for the old one, munny won't buy her. I intend to stick tew her till evry thread breaks, for she iz wuth a dozen nu-fangled ones.

I got her in Massachusetts, by the side ov the road, at the foot ov a mountain, from a good old Baptiss deakon, who lived in a nice white farm-hous, with green blinds and a hoss-block by the door, and a pen-stock ov never failing water, and a wood pile as bigg az a straw stack.

The 2 little ones are on exhibishun now, at mi rooms. Kards ov admishun can be prokured ov the proprietor bi presenting the proper vouchers.

Full warrantees will be given with each masheen.

Principals only delt with; no agent need apply.

Again, dear Morse, I kant help but thank yu for yure prospektus – it iz so limber and full ov good advise; but i kant help but say that if you should see mi sowing masheens and see them at wurk, yu would tare up yure prospektus in disgust, and either git one ov mi kind, or be miserable till you did.

Morse, fairwell.In the meantime, yures truli,Josh Billings.

XLVI.

SUM ADVISE

Mi yung friend, yu are about tew begin life, and altho it may seem dredful impossibel tew yu, nevertheless yu will be liabel tew make sum mistakes while yu are scoring, or during the fust mile or two.

Let me mix up a little advise for yu tew take till yu git tew trotting stiddy.

Yu will observe the advise iz designed for yung gentlemen who show sum sighns ov speed, and also that i reazon right from the shoulder.

1. Treat the old man and the old woman as yure equals; smile when they exhort, and laff when they intreat, for no yung man kan hope for suckcess in ornamental walks ov life who don't wear the belt at home.

2. If yu kant raize a mustash, commit suiside at once and begin agin; for it iz better tew die than tew suffer disgrace.

3. Cultivate impudense – impudense iz a good substitute for bravery – only be a littel kerful tew pick yure customers when yu tri it on.

4. Keep a trotter and a fiteing rooster. Theze animals will let yu into the konfidense ov men who will watch over yure morals and nuss yure genius.

5. Avoid the old fogys; they are a miserabel set ov cowardly croakers, who, like a third-rate dorg, hav larnt what little they kno about virtew bi simply being overmatched in a fair fight.

6. Suspekt aul femail virtew. This will giv yu an eazy flow ov ambiguous language while in the sosiety ov the ladys, and enabel yu tew awake confusion, which yu kan kall sumthing else.

7. If yu git desprait, and must marry, marry for ducats – marrying for blud or for luv iz too sloppy for a man ov spirits. Luv iz a low pashun, and iz designed for 2-story houses on one ov the back streets; not for a brown stun front.

8. Bi aul means learn to sware, chaw, and smoke freely, and don't ever mistake rain water for milk punch, unless yu want a soft thing.

9. Call religion a stock jobber's pidgeon to ketch flatts with; say that virtew iz only the galvanized impotence ov cowards; that wisdum iz but an egg that iz addled; laff at aul things that are sollum, and sware that Backus and Venus are the only two gods fit tew be worshiped.

Yung man, cultivate aul the abuv graces, and add tew them what the ardor of yure genius may inspire, and if the hoss jockeys and pimps generally don't say you are a cuss ov the brightest hue, and if the devil don't make you sum flattering proposals, the days ov chivalry are positively over, and pudding and milk haz got more glory into it than a brandy smash, a rum sour, or even a thomas and jerry.

Yung man, (a fu words with yu in private,) let theze cheerful remarks settle down into you when yu git tew reflekting at 12 o'clock sum rainy nite.

Don't make a phool of yureself by trieing tew jump 65 feet at one jump, and land among the Berhoys at onst, but examine yure bild clussly and see if yu ain't better konstrukted for sumthing honest.

But if yu find that yu must go tew dispair, then put on aul the steam yu kan carry, and either bust or git thare az soon az possibel.

P.S. – When yu git thare, and hav had enuff ov it, just drop me a line, and i will see what kan be did for yu. But don't forgit one thing – that the road back iz 3 times az fur, and aul the way up hill besides.

XLVII.

TAKE IT EAZY

Yes, mi dear feller, do take it eazy.

Don't fret, don't foam; yu kant take thought an be an inch bigger; yu kant ketch lightning, however yu try; then do take it eazy.

If yu would be ritch, only be good, and then take it eazy.

If yure lady-love is coy, do take it eazy, for like a wild colt, by and by will she cum and lay her hed in the halter.

Joys ever are fu, the evening ov yure daze may be long, and oil you will want for yure twilite lamp; then waste not in fury what will last yu till the wick burns out, if yu will only take it eazy.

If yu would see the pitfalls that Satan is digging, if yu would be more than a match for envy and malice, if yu would show no blind side for reproach, chew awl things well, and then take it eazy.

Take it eazy, and the snowflakes ov sorrow will melt az they fall; melankolly will laff when she meets yu, poverty's bundle will be light, and awl yure songs will hav a sweet chorus.

Take it eazy; natur don't fret; seedtime and harvest are a sure thing; the bud, then the leaf; the flower, then the fruit; the lilys don't fret; then, mi dear feller, do take it eazy.

Take it eazy, only be good, and az each nu milestun bi the side ov yure Jordan tells that the grate sity iz nearer, and not fur away, will yure hearte gro lighter, and yure faith gro stronger, airth will look less, and heaven will look bigger; yes, mi dear feller, do, do take it eazy.

XLVIII.

JOSH CORRESPONDS

Percy.– Did yu ever ride in the cars on a raw day, and have a mountaineer dive in from some cord wood station, and, taking a seat next in front ov yu, rush the window up, and half freeze yure liver out?

(If yu answer this question, don't fail tew say yes, or no.)

Didn't yu feel az tho yu would like to help to pitch the red-necked and tobacco-chawing curse out ov the windo?

(If yu answer this question, don't fail to say yes.)

But it iz no use tew plead with them; they must hav sum more north wind.

If yu should shut one ov these human refrigerators up in a 10-acre lot, and put the bars up tight, he would rave around till he tore down a pannel ov the fence, to let sum more fresh air into the lot.

When a half civilized humin critter wants enny thing, he wants it just az bad az a bear duz, and generally takes it in the same way.

Bulwer.– Yu are right about it; the elektive telegraph iz verry kuriss. But did it ever ockur tew yu, in the solitude ov yure midnite hour, or when yu waz turning grindstone, or by the side ov the road, or the down hill ov life, or by the good old Moses, that the nerves waz the telegraff wires ov the humin boddy?

If this never haz ockured to yu, yure edikashun haz either bin tew mutch Latin, or else yu hav bin kept in a back lot, ware thare want mutch going on.

I tell yu that dispatches are flieing all the time from the 2 main offices, one ov which iz lokated in the hed, and the other of which iz in the stummuk.

The stummuk inquires, "When dinner will be reddy?" and iz told bi the branch offiss, at the noze, "in 20 minnitts."

The bigg toe learns from the operator at the stummuk offiss that "mock turtles and terrapins iz cumming in fast, and that old Gout may be expekted in a fu daze."

The head inquires ov the noze, "What yu blowing about?"

Answer, "Wet feet."

The eyes wants tew kno ov the stummuk, "What they shall do to stop running?"

Stummuk growls back, "Dam yure ize!"

Head sees sudden stars, and feels the shock ov an arthquake; telegraffs awl over the boddy for an explanation; gits the following dispatch, after a while, from one of the lower offices: "Been down hard on the ice."

Friend Bulwer, in the remarks ov the poet, I hold "that we are truly and wonderfully made."

Lager.– Yure inquiry iz eazily dispozed ov. Lager Beer iz not intoxikating. A man bi the name ov Laubenheimersmitt, who keeps a saloon, told me so. He sed he had one ov the little barrells in him at that time, and waz aktually suffering for a drouth. I think he iz a man who kan be depended upon, for he showed me a bolona sarsage, which he sed had bin in the family 67 years. It waz aul kivvered with wrinkles. He sed it had a nu wrinkle each year, like a kow's horn. I asked him on what prinsipals the bolona sarsage waz bilt? he sed he couldn't tell me, that thare hadn't bin enny nu ones bilt for menny years, on account of the grate demand for hosses on the canal.

Augustus.– Art haz improved natur, but whether sivilizashun haz improved moruls az mutch, I woodent like tu tell. Natur iz verry lucksuriant, and that iz what's the matter ov her. She iz like a punkin-vine, (grows without mercy,) and wood grow without punkins tew, but art kurbs the extravagunce, and makes the vines "sum punkins." Moruls ain't lucksuryant; they woodent be haff a crop if it wan't for sivilization; but like other things that are forced, they are made tu yeald so mutch, that the tree soon runs tu follyage and tawp, and don't bair mutch plums. I don't think the wirld haz got enny sivilizashun tew spare, but i dew think she haz got more than she kan manige well. I beleave in sivilizashun terribley; i wood like tu see even bares and woolfs and wildkats sivilizyed; but if sivilizashun only makes their hare softer, and only makes them growl less lowder, but makes their teeth sharper and their klaws longer, i think i like the heethen bare, for a steddy playmait, full az well az i dew the Christian bare.

XLIX.

THEM GOOD OLD DAZE

AS LONGED FOR BY JOSH BILLINGS

How i dew long (once in a whyle) for them good old daze.

Them daze when the sun didn't rise before brekfast.

Them daze when thare waz more fun in 30 cents than thare is now in 7 dollars and a half.

Them daze when a man marrid 145 pounds ov woman, and less than 9 pounds (awl told) ov ennything else.

How i dew long for them good old daze, when edukashun only konsissted in what a man did well.

Them daze when deakons waz az austear az hoss radish, and ministers preached tew men's soals instead of their pockets.

Them daze when pollyticks was the excepshun, and honesty the rule.

How i dew long for them good old daze when lap-dorgs and wett nusses warn't known, and when brown bred and baked-goose made a good dinner.

Them daze when a man who want bizzy was watched, and when wimmin spun only that kind ov yarn that was good for the darning ov stockings.

How i dew long for them good old daze when now and then a gal baby was called Jerusha, and a boy want spilte if he was named Jerrymiah.

Aul yee who hav tried the feathers and fuss ov life, who hav had the codfish ov wealth, without sense, stuck under yure noze, cum beneath this tree, and long for an hour with me, for them good old daze when men were ashamed tew be fools, and wimmin were fraid tew be flirts.

N.B. – They used tew maik a milk punch in them daze too, that was very handy tew take.

L.

A HUM TRANSACTION

Mrs. Billings lately becum helpless.

This kalamity was so well published, that the door bel ov the house waz kept on a titter for a week, with "out ov place," "Bridgets," "Margarets," and "Matildys."

From so profuse a crop, it was difficult tew select; each one had a karakter, that would hav lasted an economikal person for life, and each one was az demure az if they were about to take the veil.

They could all bile, and stew – hash, and frigasee, wash, mend, and iron, bake, bru, and starch – in fackt they were perfecktly elaborate, in aul cook and laundry doings, and never staid out ov nights.

For sum reason, (bless the ladys, they never dew ennything without a good reason,) a prodigious emerald selekshun was made from the applicants, happy in the immaculate prefix ov Mary, a queen among pots and kittles, soups, gravy, and compounds.

She could do evrything!

She could sweep without disturbing enny dust; she could bile a dumplin so light, az almost tew disfranchise the long cherished principle ov gravitashun; in fackt, if it was safe tew bet on her, she was a fust-klass kitchin, within a kitchen; "ne plus ultra," a bonny fide "Eureka," – the last one out.

She was sworn in, with the usual serimony ov pinteing out the ways and means, the kittles, and closets, the coal, and cesspool, the pump, and bred tickets, and lots ov other things, in the matter ov nails for this rag, and rags for that nail.

The dinner tew be got up was quite ordnary, and Mrs. Billings, willing tew levy but a light tax upon the almost omniscient cook genius ov the accomplished Mary, suggested for sass, that most simple az well az most agreeable ov aul wheaten kompounds, known amung fluent housewifes, az a "minnit puddin."

"Ah, mum, it will plaze yee's to see me be after makin the puddin."

The mistick hour iz clus at hand, when the platter iz tew smoke in the senter ov the snowy damask; a gentle tap iz herd at the parler door; the glistening Mary relates the vicktory ov meat and vegatables below, and with a plezant pride nestling in her ize, in virgin innocense, asks:

"Now mum, pleze, whare dew yu keep yure minits?"

P.S. – Comment seems tew be almoste unnecessary – but perhaps it will be safe tew add, that, if "ignorance iz bliss," Irish cooks must be the verry broth ov happiness.

LI.

MILK, WHISKEE AND BEER

MILK

I want tew say sumthing, ("in petto.")

I want tew say sumthing, ("entre nous,") in reference to milk az a ferterlizer.

Milk is spontaneous, ("semper paratus,") and haz did more tew encourage the growth ov the humin folks, ("en passant") than enny other liquid.

Milk iz lakteal, ("bizarre;") it iz also aquatick, while under the patronage ov milk venders, ("errare humanum est.")

Milk iz also misterious, ("Le mot d'énigme,") cokernut milk haz never bin solved yet.

Milk iz also another name for humin kindness, ("comme il faut.")

Milk and bred is a plesant mixtur.

So iz milk and rum ("Bonne bouche") mellow tew contend with in a hot day, ("multum in parvo") ("id est," "multum" rum, "in parvo" milk.)

Sumtimes, if milk iz allowed tew stand too long, ("statu quo,") a skum arizes tew the surface, ("passim,") which iz apt tew skare folks who live in citys, but it dus not foller, ("non sequitur,") that the milk iz nasty; this skum iz called cream bi folks who inhabit the kuntry, ("magnus Apollo.")

Cream iz the parent ("pater familias") ov butter, and butter iz 45 cents a pound, ("ora pro nobis.")

The most common milk in use, without doubt, ("sans doute") iz skim milk; skim milk iz made bi skinning the milk, ("inter nos,") this iz considered sharp praktiss, ("coup de main.")

Milk iz obtained from cows, hogs, woodchucks, sheep, squirrels, rats, and awl other animals that wear hair. Snakes and geese don't discharge milk, ("lusus naturæ.")

I forgot tew state in conclusion, ("ultima Thule,") that cow milk, if it iz well watered, brings 10 cents per quart, ("Quod avertat Deus.")

WHISKEE

Whiskee iz the grate Amerikan bevridge.

It iz the granddaddy ov awl our licker.

Evrything that haz a good reliable drunk in it, iz at least couzin tew Whiskee or old Rie.

Whiskee haz done a grate deal for this kuntry, in the way ov penitentiary homes, and houses for the poor, and i suppose, if it want for whiskee, theze houses would aktually hav tew shut up.

They tell me that a bushell ov korn will make a gallon ov whiskee, and sum people, who are acquainted with statisticks, say, that a barrell ov whiskee will go further in a family, than a cow. I don't know exactly how fur a cow would go in a family, but i should think it would be eazier tew milk a barrell ov whiskee than a cow – still i hain't never figured on it, and it iz only guess-work with me.

A gentleman who haz travelled extensively thru the western states, sez that vast quantitys ov korn are raized thare, which iz made into whiskee, tew say nothing ov what iz annually wasted for bred. He sez thare iz lots ov people out west, who are better judges ov whiskee than they are ov water, and that you might easily phool them with poor water, but you couldn't with poor whiskee. They hav made whiskee a specialty aul their lives, and they kan't even go tew church Sundays, without a bottle ov it in their pockets. (I think he must hav lied when he made this last statement.)

In my honest opinyun, whiskee is seckund only tew original sin; it is the mill stun, hung upon the neck ov poor degraded humin nature, and if the devil was allowed leave ov absence for six months, tew visit this earth, the fust thing he would do, would be to lobby our legislatures for a repeal ov the excise laws, and then invest his pile in gin mills.

But since whiskee haz got into this world, I don't think it kan be got out, enny more than small pox kan, but it kan be made komparitively harmless, in the same way, and only in the same way, and that iz by constant vaccination. * * * *

BEER

I hav finally cum tew the konclusion, that lager beer iz not intoxikatin.

I hav been told so bi a german, who sed he had drank it aul nite long, just tew tri the experiment, and was obliged tew go home entirely sober in the morning. I hav seen this same man drink sixteen glasses, and if he was drunk, he was drunk in german, and noboddy could understand it. It iz proper enuff tew state, that this man kept a lager-beer saloon, and could have no object in stating what want strictly thus.

I beleaved him tew the full extent ov mi ability. I never drank but 3 glasses ov lager beer in mi life, and that made my hed untwist, as tho it was hung on the end ov a string, but i was told that it was owing tew my bile being out ov place, and I guess that it was so, for I never biled over wuss than i did when I got home that nite. Mi wife was afrade i was agoing tew die, and i was almoste afrade i shouldn't, for it did seem az tho evrything i had ever eaten in mi life, was cuming tew the surface, and i do really beleave, if mi wife hadn't pulled oph mi boots, just az she did, they would have cum thundering up too.

Oh, how sick i was! it was 14 years ago, and i kan taste it now.

I never had so much experience, in so short a time.

If enny man should tell me that lager beer was not intoxikating, i should beleave him; but if he should tell me that i want drunk that nite, but that my stummuk was only out ov order, i should ask him tew state over, in a few words, just how a man felt and akted when he was well set up.

If i want drunk that nite, i had sum ov the moste natural simptoms a man ever had, and keep sober.

In the fust place, it was about 80 rods from whare i drank the lager, tew my house, and i was over 2 hours on the road, and had a hole busted thru each one ov mi pantaloon kneeze, and didn't hav enny hat, and tried tew open the door by the bell-pull, and hickupped awfully, and saw evrything in the room tryin tew git round onto the back side ov me, and in setting down onto a chair, i didn't wait quite long enuff for it tew git exactly under me, when it was going round, and i sett down a little too soon, and missed the chair by about 12 inches, and couldn't git up quick enuff tew take the nex one when it cum, and that ain't aul; mi wife said i was az drunk az a beast, and az i sed before, i begun tew spit up things freely.

If lager beer iz not intoxikating, it used me almighty mean, that i kno.

Still i hardly think lager beer iz intoxikating, for i hav been told so, and i am probably the only man living, who ever drunk enny when his bile want plumb.

I don't want tew say ennything against a harmless tempranse bevridge, but if i ever drink enny more it will be with mi hands tied behind me, and mi mouth pried open.

I don't think lager beer iz intoxikating, but if i remember right, i think it tastes to me like a glass with a handle on one side ov it, full ov soap suds that a pickle had bin put tew soak in.

LII.

PLUCK

Pluck, tew be ov mutch value, wants tew be instant.

I hav seen plenty ov men who was anxious tew fite an elephant – six miles oph.

How menny ov us hav had our pluck cum tew us next day, and then it want ov enny more use tew us than an epitaff iz tew a ded man.

Pluck iz a normal virtue, and may be made a shining one, az it iz only the tuff substances that will take, and hold a good polish.

I hav seen men who was aul pluck, and nothing else; they are like chestnutt burs, alwus reddy, but only fit for one thing, and that iz not to touch.

Thare iz a pluck that dares tew do nothing but what iz right, and always dares tew do that; this iz pluck built upon reason, and iz virtue enuff for enny one man.

LIII.

FREE LOVE

I beleaf in free fights, espeshila amung cats and doggs.

I beleaf in free rides – on a gate.

I beleaf in freedum for evry slave on arth.

But free love iz one ov them kinds ov fredum, that it don't do tew be limber with.

If this world was the gardin ov Edin, and full ov Adam and Eve, az they was when they was fust launched, then i kan imagine it might do for sum other Adam to hold mi Eve on his lap, and talk about his affinitee, and spiritoal essence, and play lamb.

In them daze, thare want no humin natur, it was all God natur.

Humin natur has bin soaked so mutch sinse, it has got tew weak tew be trusted in a lot whare the feed iz poor, nex tew a meddo, without mutch fence between nor enny poke on.