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In her heart of hearts, she knew better, though. Just as she also knew that she couldn’t allow herself to pretend, even for a few moments, that Matthew was her child to keep.
He had only been left in her care temporarily. He had a mother. A mother who would surely come back for him before too long.
Matthew had been cared for with such obvious consideration that Megan couldn’t believe he had been casually abandoned on her doorstep. His mother had wanted him to be safe and secure, and for reasons yet to be determined, she had chosen Megan to look out for him. But only until she was able to provide for him again herself.
Becoming too attached to him in the meantime would be a big mistake. She had lost one child. She wasn’t about to set herself up for the pain of losing another.
As she had when she’d first found the baby on her front porch, Megan wondered who Matthew’s mother might be. Again, she had to admit that she had no idea at all. Nor did she have any idea why she had been chosen to provide his safekeeping. Surely his mother must know other women in Serenity more capable of caring for a baby. Women his mother had to know better than she knew Megan Cahill.
When Matthew finished the last of the formula in his bottle, Megan set it aside, lifted him to her shoulder and gently patted his back. He rewarded her with a series of hearty burps, making her smile. Then he snuggled against her with a tiny, contented yawn.
“What a good baby you are,” she murmured, brushing her lips against the top of his downy head. “What a good, good baby…”
As she continued to pat his back, Matthew stuck one little fist in his mouth and closed his eyes.
“So, you’re ready for a nap, are you?” she asked. “And here I thought you could give me some idea of what we should do next. She’s your mother, after all. Do you think we ought to wait here in case she decides to come back for you? Or should we turn you over to the proper authorities without delay?
“I’m tempted to wait here for a while, sweet baby—so very, very tempted. But I’m not really the best person to look after you, no matter what your mother thinks. How about giving her an hour or two? Then I think we’d better take a little walk to the police station.”
Matthew’s deep, even breathing was the only reply Megan received.
“Okay, that’s what we’ll do, then,” she decided as she stood and headed for the staircase leading to the second floor of the house.
In fact, the Serenity police station was the last place Megan wanted to go that morning. Under the circumstances, however, it was also the best place she could go. That was where she would most likely find the one person capable of helping her track down Matthew’s mother.
Unfortunately, Serenity’s chief of police, Jake Cahill, also happened to be her ex-husband.
Megan had been avoiding Jake ever since he had returned to Serenity a year ago. He had given up a rewarding career as an FBI agent to take a job that he couldn’t possibly find fulfilling. A gesture of reconciliation, or so he had seemed to have wanted her to believe. But it had been too little, much, much too late. As she had told him plainly the one time he had come to the house to see her.
Jake had abandoned her when she had needed him the most, just as her parents had done when she was a child. They hadn’t thought twice about flying off to a Third World country to cover a military coup, and she’d been left an orphan. And Jake hadn’t thought twice about going undercover for weeks at a time to catch a killer, leaving her to cope alone with a sick child.
Megan knew she hadn’t occupied a very important place in her parents’ lives. Too late, she had realized, as well, that she—and Will—hadn’t occupied a very important place in Jake’s life, either.
Leaving Jake had been the only way she’d been able to cope with that knowledge. And shutting him out when he finally followed her back to Serenity had been the only way she could keep from falling under his spell again.
She had loved him once—loved him and trusted him with all her heart. She hadn’t been about to let him lure her into doing it again, no matter how sad and lonely she had been without him in her life.
While Megan couldn’t allow herself to trust Jake personally, she knew, however, that as a law enforcement officer she could trust him to look out for Matthew’s best interests. After all, Jake, like her parents, had always put his job first.
At the top of the stairs, Megan paused and eyed the closed door of the bedroom she had studiously ignored since moving into the house she’d rented, partially furnished, from her friend and former foster sister, Emma, just two years ago.
When Emma and her husband, air force colonel Sam Griffin, had moved to Colorado Springs, Megan had arranged to have most of Emma’s furniture shipped to them. But Emma had asked Megan to donate the baby furniture in the spare room to one of the local churches, a task that Megan was still unable to take on.
Believing that someone less fortunate than she might benefit from her loss, thus making that loss a little easier to bear, she had given away Will’s baby furniture before moving back to Serenity. Standing quietly, watching as her precious child’s belongings had been carried out of the town house, she’d felt as if her heart was being ripped from her chest. Supervising the removal of another crib, dresser and changing table had been more than she could bring herself to do.
Now, as fate would have it, she had a crib all ready for Matthew. Well, not exactly ready. After months of neglect, the spare room was too musty and dusty for a baby. And it would be foolish to take the time to tidy it up when she would only be responsible for him another hour or so at the most.
Putting Matthew down on her bed, with pillows on either side of him serving as bolsters, would be much easier, she decided, moving past the closed door. And if he began to fuss while she took a shower, she would be better able to hear him if he were in her bedroom.
Better to keep things as simple as possible, and to remain matter-of-fact, Megan reminded herself. By afternoon, the baby would either be reunited with his mother or placed under the care of one of the social workers assigned to the county’s Children’s Protective Services while Jake began an investigation of some sort.
As for her, she’d be home again with a new curriculum to plan for her Texas history class at Serenity High School.
Settling Matthew in the center of her bed, then arranging the pillows around him in a protective circle, Megan smiled sadly. He was such a good, sweet baby. But he wasn’t her baby, and he never would be.
Chapter Two
“I told you I’d think about your offer, Bobby, and I’ve been doing just that. But I haven’t made a decision yet,” Jake Cahill stated firmly.
Sitting back in his chair, he propped one boot-shod foot on the edge of his desk. Beyond the window in the wall separating his small office from the rest of the Serenity police station all appeared to be quiet. It was a typical small-town Friday morning early in the month of June.
“We need you back on our team, and the sooner the better,” Bobby Fuentes insisted. “I’ve got a place for you now, but I can’t guarantee how much longer I’ll be able to hold it open. We’ve been working shorthanded for over two months now. I’m starting to get some flack from the higher-ups.”
“Find somebody else, then,” Jake replied, mildly reproving.
There had been a time when he wouldn’t have even dared to think about using such a tone with Bobby. As special agent in charge of the Federal Bureau of Investigation’s Dallas office, the older man had been Jake’s immediate, and demanding, supervisor for several years. He had also become a good friend and respected mentor.
Even now, more than a year after he’d left the FBI, Jake knew that Bobby only had his best interests at heart. But he refused to be bullied. He had too much at stake to make a hasty decision, especially one that would affect his future in such a conclusive way.
“Problem is, I want you,” Bobby continued, apparently choosing to ignore Jake’s suggestion. “Our arrest records and conviction rates haven’t been the same since you left the bureau. And don’t tell me you’re satisfied playing at being the chief of police in a place like Serenity, Texas. Talk about wasted talent.”
“I am the chief of police—no playing about it,” Jake shot back, bristling at the sarcasm he’d heard in his old friend’s voice.
He hadn’t resigned from the FBI and returned to Serenity on a whim. He had wanted desperately to win back the love and trust of his ex-wife, Megan, and he’d known of no other way to do it than by following her back to their hometown. Sure that it would only be a matter of time before she allowed him back into her life, Jake had asked his father, William Cahill—an honored member of the Texas legislature and one of Serenity’s most highly regarded citizens—to pull whatever strings were necessary to get him on the town’s police force.
Never one for half measures, especially where his only son was concerned, Senator Cahill had personally taken it upon himself to urge the aging chief of police to accept an early retirement package that included benefits no man in his right mind could refuse. Then he nominated Jake to take the chief’s place. The town fathers, aware that they were getting a darn good deal, had been delighted to smooth the way for the senator’s son. And over the past year Jake had taken great pride in seeing to it that they weren’t disappointed.
“Hey, no offense meant,” Bobby hastened to assure him.
“Difficult as it might be for a big-city guy like you to believe, I happen to like Serenity. I grew up here, you know. It’s a nice place to live and a great place to raise a family.”
“Speaking of which, are you and Megan on speaking terms yet? It’s been, what, two years since she left you? Maybe it’s time to cut bait, old buddy. You can’t spend the rest of your life waiting for something to happen when you have to know by now that the odds are against it. Some marriages can survive the kind of loss you and Megan suffered. Yours didn’t. You would do best to put it behind you, once and for all, and get on with your life.”
Bringing his foot down on the floor again, Jake shifted in his chair, sat up straighter and shoved a hand through his dark, shaggy hair. Bobby’s words hit painfully close to the mark, ripping at the battered edges of his heart as they laid forth a truth he would have rather not been forced to face.
Jake had made his fair share of mistakes over the years, but the ones he’d made with Megan seemed destined to haunt him for the rest of his life. He shouldn’t have put his job first three years ago, leaving her alone and unable to reach him when their young son began running a high fever. Nor should he have used his job as a means of escaping the grief and guilt that had threatened to overwhelm him after the meningitis that was diagnosed too late claimed Will’s life. And finally, fatally for their marriage, he shouldn’t have waited so long to follow Megan back to Serenity.
He had told himself that she simply needed time away from their home in Dallas and the memories of Will it held for her. That had been what he had thought he’d needed, after all. Only when she filed for divorce did he realize that she wasn’t coming back to him.
Fool that he’d been, he had told himself he didn’t really care. Eventually, of course, he’d come to his senses, but by then, Megan had made a new life for herself. A life that very likely might never include him.
“My relationship with Megan is none of your business, Bobby, so just back the hell off,” Jake warned, the memories he’d had of the past making him as angry with himself as he was with his old friend.
“Sorry if I was out of line, but I was just trying to point out what seems obvious to everyone except you. You dealt with Will’s death the only way you knew how and Megan dealt with it her way.”
“Because I gave her no other choice,” Jake retorted. “I wasn’t there for her when she really needed me. When Will first got sick I was too anxious to start working on yet another high-profile case to stick around and give her the support she needed. And after he died, it was easier for me to hide from her pain as well as my own by using any excuse I could to stay as far away from home as possible.
“I let her down, Bobby—no two ways about it. I was all she had and I let her down, and then I lost her. I lost the best thing in my life—the two best things—my wife and my son. I know I’ll never be able to get Will back. But I’m not ready to admit that Megan won’t ever be a part of my life again, either. As soon as I am, I’ll let you know.”
Without waiting for a last comment from his friend, Jake hung up the phone, then pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes in an effort to ease the subtle pressure that warned of a full-blown headache on the way.
As he had so many times already, he thought back over the months that had passed since he’d first returned to Serenity, and tried to figure out what he’d been doing wrong. He wanted his wife back. But he wasn’t any closer to his goal than he’d been a year ago.
Jake didn’t want to have to resort to force to get Megan to listen to what he had to say. But lately he had begun to think that hauling her off to some secluded place and holding her captive might not be such a bad idea, after all.
He had tried to consider her feelings—heaven help him, how he’d tried. For months now he’d been so busy tying himself up in knots worrying about making the wrong moves that he hadn’t made any moves at all. In fact, she had shut the door in his face the one and only time he’d attempted to confront her face-to-face.
Wincing as he remembered that particularly disheartening exchange, Jake sat back in his chair again.
He had gone to her house one Saturday morning nine months ago. She had opened the door without hesitation, and she’d met his gaze quite calmly. She’d offered him no greeting, though. Standing just inside the doorway, dressed in faded jeans and a plain white T-shirt, her dark curls a tantalizing tangle begging to be touched, she’d simply looked at him, her chin tipped up defensively, her wide, pale gray eyes filled with reproach.
Not a single one of the casual, clever opening lines Jake had rehearsed had come to his mind. He hadn’t been so close to her in such a long, lonely time—close enough to feel the heat radiating from her body, close enough to breathe in her special scent. Lavender, he’d thought, every nerve ending in his body tingling with awareness.
He had wanted only to put his arms around her, to hold her close and feather kisses along her cheek as he begged for her forgiveness.
He had known that she wouldn’t let him touch her, though. Known it with a certainty that had made his heart ache. But surely she would listen to what he had to say….
“I need to talk to you, Megan,” he’d begun, his voice rasping in his throat.
“Oh, really?” she had replied, the look in her eyes changing to one of utter disdain.
“Yes, really. Please, just let me come in. Give me a chance—”
“The time for talking has passed, Jake,” she’d said, her tone ever so polite as she cut him off.
Her gaze never wavering, she had closed the door in his face with a finality that had sliced straight through to his soul.
Since that long-ago day, Megan had ignored him every time he’d arranged for their paths to cross at one public place or another. In fact, the studious way in which she avoided any contact with him had not only become cause for comment in the close-knit community, it had also reached laughable proportions.
Jake had wanted to give Megan the time and space she seemed to need. But for all the glimpses of him he had made sure she’d catch around town, she hadn’t warmed up to him in the least. The time had come to take more vigorous action.
Now all he had to do was think of some way, short of kidnapping her, to gain her complete and undivided attention. And then, of course, he would have to find the words to tell her how very sorry he was for letting her down—words that he had no way of making her believe.
Closing his eyes again, Jake tried rubbing his temples, pressing hard in a futile attempt to ease the throb in his head.
Megan seemed happy enough with the life she had made for herself in Serenity. Maybe she didn’t really want him around anymore, and he was simply failing to take the hint. And maybe, just maybe, the rumors he’d heard about a new man in her life were actually true.
Though Jake had yet to see Megan and Steven Barns—the high school principal who had lost his wife almost two years ago—together himself, he had it on good authority that they had danced quite a few times at the senior prom they’d chaperoned. They had also shared a table at the school picnic.
Jake ground his teeth at the thought of good old Steve, one of the town’s designated nice guys, putting his hands on Megan. She might not be his wife anymore, but that didn’t mean he—
A subtle but noticeable shift in the atmosphere outside his office caught Jake’s attention. The activity level in the station had been fairly low, but until a moment ago, the steady drone of voices—two of his younger officers kidding around with Darcy Osgood, the clerk who maintained the files and answered the phones—had been audible. The sudden, unexpected silence was deafening by comparison.
Turning in his chair, Jake glanced out the window in his office wall to see what was going on, then all but doubled over at the painful lurch that sucked the air from his lungs as it grabbed at his gut.
As if conjured by the force of his thoughts and memories, Megan walked slowly toward his office, weaving her way among the scattered desks as his officers and Darcy looked on in surprised silence. And she was holding a baby in her arms—an infant hardly more than a couple of months old.
Flung back to another time in another place, Jake recalled all too vividly watching Megan walk toward him just so, her gaze turned inward, her mouth softening with a tender smile as her cheek brushed their son’s dark curls. Slashing through him as they did, the knife thrust of those memories, shut away for so long, made it momentarily impossible for him to draw a breath, to push away from his desk, to stand and close the distance still between them.
Get up and go to her and find out what the hell is going on, he ordered himself, aware that he had to gather himself quickly and take control of the situation, not only for his sake but for Megan’s, as well. She wouldn’t have come to him unless she needed his help—needed it desperately.
Jake couldn’t seem to make his legs work, though. Couldn’t seem to find the strength to stand and meet her halfway. In an effort to steady his roiling thoughts and emotions, he shifted his gaze from Megan.
He saw that she had left a stroller parked near the station doorway. He also saw that Darcy and his officers were gawking at her curiously. When he shot a pointed glance at them, they moved hurriedly to their respective desks and pretended to busy themselves with paperwork, and he allowed himself another look at Megan.
She was almost at the door to his office, but she seemed intent only on watching where she was walking. As if she preferred not to acknowledge his presence until the last possible moment, even though she could be there for no other reason than to see him.
She was dressed just as she had been that day nine months ago when he’d gone to see her, in faded jeans and a plain white T-shirt that emphasized how thin she’d gotten over the past few years. Too thin, he thought. And today she was also far too pale for his liking. Against the artful disarray of her dark, chin-length tumble of curls, her face had an almost ghostly cast.
Whatever the reason behind her sudden, unexpected arrival at the Serenity police station, baby in her arms, she was noticeably upset by it. And so, by association, was he, Jake admitted, finally pushing his chair away from his desk so he could stand.
He had wanted to believe that they had each put the death of their son behind them—he in his way and Megan in hers. Now he realized how mistaken he’d been. From the look of her, Megan had to have been jolted as surely as he by the mere sight of the baby she held so protectively. A baby that had to be for her, as it was for him, a living, breathing reminder of all they’d lost.
As Megan paused just inside his office doorway, Jake started toward her, bumping a hip against the edge of his desk hard enough to make him wince.
“Megan…?” he began, his voice sounding harsher to him than intended as he tried to gain some control over his unsteady emotions. “What’s going on?”
Raising her head slowly, she met his gaze at last, the wariness in her icy gray eyes halting him in mid-step. She couldn’t have told him more succinctly how much she regretted having to be there with him if she’d said the words out loud. The message radiated from her very core, coming at him in an almost tangible wave meant to keep him at a distance—as it did.
Jake shoved his hands in the pockets of his khaki pants, mentally cursing himself for thinking, as he had for just a moment, of reaching out to her, putting an arm around her shoulders and drawing her close to his side. She hadn’t come to him seeking comfort, and she wouldn’t appreciate the offer of it. Not by a long shot….
“I need your help,” she answered with just the slightest hesitation, her voice surprisingly cool and utterly, completely detached.
Only the pulse beat of a vein at her temple hinted at her apprehension. Coming to him was costing her much more than she was willing to admit, Jake knew. But come to him she had, and he had nothing to gain by giving her a hard time. In fact, he might be able to win some much needed points by smoothing the way for her as best he could.
“I’m here to serve and protect,” he said, lightening his tone considerably as he offered her a wry smile. “Just tell me what I can do for you, and consider it done.”
The wariness in Megan’s eyes deepened almost imperceptibly, warning him anew that she wasn’t about to be easily tempted to lower her guard. He had been just a tad too genial and she hadn’t been favorably impressed.
“An odd thing happened this morning,” she said after another moment’s hesitation. Then she glanced away with seeming uncertainty.
“Would I be correct in assuming it has something to do with your young friend there?” Jake prompted gently.
He knew that it did, of course. But a nudge in the right direction might make it easier for her to give him an explanation.
Megan nodded her head, then met his gaze again. As she did, Jake saw that the wariness in her eyes had been replaced by a pleading look that caught him off guard. When she spoke again, her tone had also changed, revealing the agitation she had, up until then, succeeded in hiding from him.
“Someone left him on my front porch,” she blurted out. “Just left him in a stroller. His name is Matthew, and he seems to be healthy. He’s obviously been well-cared-for, too. Whoever left him, left diapers and formula and clean clothes for him in a diaper bag. And a note—a note addressed to me personally—asking me to take care of him.” She sighed. “I want to do that. More than anything, I want to take care of him. But I know I can’t. Not the way she meant. I can’t just pretend he’s mine and go about my business. I have to turn him over to the proper authorities.
“That’s why I’m here. To turn him over to Children’s Protective Services. And to ask you, please, to see if you can find his mother. I’m afraid she’s in some kind of trouble. Otherwise, why would she leave her baby with me?”
Her voice breaking suddenly, Megan ducked her head again, but not before Jake saw the glimmer of tears in her eyes. He closed the distance between them then, her misery lodging deep in his own heart. Limiting himself to just a light touch on her shoulder so as not to upset her any further, he guided her to one of the two chairs positioned in front of his desk as he tried to make sense of all that she’d told him.
“Let me make sure I understand the situation,” he said after she’d settled into the chair and drawn a steadying breath. “This morning someone, most probably the mother, left the baby you’re holding on your front porch?”
“Yes, unbelievable as it sounds, that’s exactly what happened,” Megan replied.
Against her shoulder, the baby squirmed and snuffled, then snuggled back to sleep as she smoothed a soothing hand down his back.
