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“Do you think you could have made a life-long commitment to Will? I don’t mean dropping in once every year or so when you were passing through to a rodeo or hauling a horse to breed—but making planned trips to see him, only him. Being a father means making time, even if you miss your first ride at the next rodeo.”
“Whether I could have done that isn’t the issue here. You had no right to make that decision for me,” he said, no longer caring if other customers overheard.
“I realized not long ago that I’d been wrong to not tell you,” she said. “I can’t undo what I did or give you back the lost time with Will, but I can give you his future. I’m here for the summer so you can get to know your son.”
He wasn’t sure he’d heard her right, couldn’t figure out why she’d changed her mind. Until this moment blaming her had somewhat eased the stinging blow to his pride, but now the impact of her words hit him like the kick of a mare. Rather than rejoice that she had finally admitted to being wrong and was now allowing him to be Will’s father, he wondered whether he really could be a father. A good father.
His relationship with his own father was dismal at best. His dad barked orders, pointed out every mistake and expected James to jump like his troops on the military base. He’d always claimed he did it to make James better, stronger.
In spite of their inability to agree on anything, James called his dad every couple of weeks. Their conversations always ended in an argument. His father would point out that a real man would want to defend his country. James resented the not-too-subtle reminder that his dad believed him an irresponsible failure.
He watched Kelly help Will get a drink of milk. The boy fussed when she wiped his mouth with a moist towelette, using hands that were gentle yet strong, like the woman.
He had missed her, the friendship they’d shared, the way she had always supported him, believed in him without question. And he didn’t understand what had caused everything to get so messed up between them. “Kel, how can you have been so sure what I would have done back then, when I don’t know the answer myself? And what’s different now, that made you change your mind about me?”
Kelly tossed the used towelette on the table. “James, please.”
She pulled the tray out from the high chair and lifted Will into her lap. “I struggled and struggled with this from the beginning, wanting to tell you, hoping that maybe if you knew…”
“What?”
She bit her bottom lip. “I wanted to do the right thing for all of us—you, me and our child. I must have picked up the phone a million times.”
James frowned. He might have had a wild streak back then, but he wanted to think he would have taken care of his child. Sure, he’d always had to prove himself by riding the meanest bronc and the rankest bull, driving the fastest car and tossing back the most beer, but last year a bad spill in Fort Worth had made him realize he was jeopardizing his veterinary career. Now he only competed if someone needed a partner in team roping on weekends. Regardless, she ought to know he wasn’t completely without values.
“You should have called,” he said. “I would have come after you—”
“I did call.”
“When?”
“After Will’s birth.” Kelly nestled her cheek against the child’s head and cradled him in her arms, rocking back and forth as the boy’s hand caught hold of her braid, which had fallen over her shoulder.
“I don’t understand. I never got your message.” James couldn’t force himself to look away from their son playing with her hair. Memories of taking it down, running his hands through the thick mass and then, later, enjoying the feel of it across his chest distracted him.
“I didn’t leave a message. When I called, some woman answered.”
“A woman?”
“For all I knew, you had settled down with a live-in girlfriend or maybe even married. I didn’t want to complicate things for you, so I hung up.”
He frowned, trying to figure out who had answered his phone. “I’ve never had a woman living with me. When did you call?”
“May fifth at seven o’clock in the morning, two years ago.”
Realization dawned. “That was my baby sister, Lindsey.”
Kelly stilled. “Lindsey?”
“Yeah. She and her husband, Joe, and their two kids came for a visit. Joe had graduated from officer-candidate school at Fort Sill, Oklahoma, and been made into what we always called a ‘shake and bake’ officer. They stayed here a week, then made their way to Houston where they caught a flight to Germany for a four-year hitch in the Army.”
“I didn’t know. I assumed—”
“You were wrong.”
She cocked her head to the side. “I see that now, but it was a natural assumption.”
“How do you figure that?”
“James, you’re like the blue-light special at the grocery. You can’t blame me for believing that some woman shopping for a man had finally snapped you up.”
“Why shouldn’t I? You blamed me for something I didn’t do.” He didn’t like how she made him feel, as if he were responsible for the man-chasing rodeo groupies. A niggling doubt sprang into his mind, and while he couldn’t accept it, he found himself asking, “Is that why you stayed with me that night? To see if you could snap me up?”
Her eyes widened. “Do you really believe I’d do that just to see if I could succeed where others had failed?”
He shrugged, his shoulders stiff.
“If you have to ask, it means you don’t know me at all,” she said.
“That’s the problem, Kel. I’m only now finding out I didn’t know you at all.”
Kelly shot him an exasperated look. “How can you say that?”
“Why did you do it, then? Were you using me to make someone else jealous?”
She stared at him a long time, and when he didn’t think he could stand the pain in her eyes any longer, she whispered, “No.”
Relief surged through him. He leaned his elbows on the table, admitting to himself that why she’d gone to his bed didn’t really matter now. It was in the past. His personal history had taught him to let go of things he couldn’t change, but he couldn’t easily dismiss what she had done.
James took a drink of coffee and remembered something she’d said. “You mentioned the rodeo a while ago. I know you’ve never really cared much for that part of my life. Did that have anything to do—”
“No. I didn’t used to like you to compete because of the risks you took. You could have been injured or worse.”
He didn’t plan to tell her an injury is what had made him quit. “I don’t have time for much of anything except the clinic now.”
“James, I know you’re really mad at me, but I’d like you to do me a favor. I was talking about priorities and whether you’d be able to make a commitment to Will. I’d like you to think about that and then answer it. Not for me, but for yourself. Answer it truthfully. Regardless of what you think, I didn’t come back to take potshots at you. Nothing would make me happier than to discover I’d misjudged you.”
She was right. The admission was like a burr under his saddle. She had based her decisions on what was best for Will, and he needed to do the same, but it was damned hard whenever Kelly was close at hand. He reacted to her nearness even while clinging to his hurt pride.
Her mentioning his need to avoid commitment opened old wounds he hadn’t allowed himself to think about for years. Although hidden deep inside, they were still raw and hurting even after all this time.
James swallowed past the ache that threatened to choke him. “You were wrong about me, about everything. I can be a good father. In fact, I intend to prove it now.”
James walked from the barn, still stinging from his conversation with Kelly earlier that morning. He heard the rattle of her truck as it bounced over the ruts in his drive. By the time he had made it to the front of the house, she was lifting Will from his car seat. “Did you find an apartment for the summer?” he called.
“Nothing I’d consider,” Kelly said, pushing back several strands of hair that had worked loose from her braid and blown across her face. “Since I’m still paying rent to keep my apartment in College Station I can’t afford much. There are plenty of cheap places if I want to live with roaches or rats. I’m kind of strange about sharing my living space.”
He caught the diaper bag from the back of her truck and, ignoring Kelly’s protests, lifted Will from her arms. “Here, let me help. You look as if you’re about to fall down. You should have let me go with you.”
She turned to look at him. “As you pointed out earlier, you have work to do, and I’m not helpless.”
He noticed again the shadows beneath her eyes and wished he’d kept his mouth shut about the chores he had to do. Yeah, he had a schedule to keep, but his refusal to accompany her had come more from the blow to his pride. He still couldn’t believe she thought he would have turned his back on his son.
Knowing she hadn’t needed him was hard to accept. But she had always been self-sufficient to the point of needing no one, something that used to bother him. It still did.
“Of all people you should know I don’t think you’re helpless, but little Will here is a chunk,” he said. “I’m here now, so let me help.”
“Okay,” she said, turning away, but not before he saw the worry and something that resembled remorse in her eyes. He shouldn’t want to comfort her, but he did. And that aggravated him almost as much as the realization that he hadn’t known her the way he’d once thought he had. But then, she’d always been content to sit and listen to him. He doubted there was anything about him she didn’t know. Only now did he realize she’d seldom talked about herself. The things he did know about her, he’d learned from years of observation.
“If I’m supposed to bond with Will, it makes sense for you both to stay here with me,” he said. “After all, it’s only for the summer.”
That statement earned him a frown from her. He didn’t care whether she liked it or not. He had every intention of spending time with his son, no matter what she wanted.
Kelly climbed the steps to his porch, her feet dragging. “You know I can’t do that.”
“Why?” James followed her, trying not to notice the gentle sway of her jean-clad hips. He opened the screen door and held it while she stepped inside, then cursed himself for watching her cross the room.
About the time sweat began to pop out on his forehead, she turned back to face him. “You don’t need us underfoot all the time. You know I’d drive you crazy.”
She had a point. She was driving him crazy now—he was insane with a need for her, a need to kiss that mouth.
He watched her, noticing she avoided looking him in the eye. “Bull. I tolerated you just fine before.”
“That was at work. You’re not used to having extra people around your house. I think it’s best—”
“Best? For who? You?”
“For Will, of course. Everything I do is for him.”
“I hope you’re buying that lame excuse, Kel, because I’m sure not.”
He knew why she didn’t want to stay, and it had nothing at all to do with inconveniencing him. She obviously didn’t think he’d be a good example for the boy. A sudden feeling of inadequacy filled him, replaced in an instant with anger that had been smoldering, barely under control, since that morning. “You’re using all these convenient excuses same as when you made your decision not to tell me about Will.”
His tone made Will pucker up to cry.
“Aw, hell,” James muttered.
Kelly shot James a dirty look as she took Will and lifted him to her shoulder. She calmed the child with quiet words and loving pats on his back that distracted James.
When the boy had stopped crying, Kelly squared off across from James. “What did you mean excuses?”
“Come off it, Kel. You know exactly what I meant. You think I’ll have him chewing tobacco and chasing women by the time he’s three.” James kept his voice low, but didn’t know how he’d managed it, because his insides churned.
Her eyes blazed as she stared at him. “I think I’d better leave. This isn’t getting us anywhere. If it’s all right with you, I’d like to keep Matilda here until I can find a place to board her. I’ve got some feed in the trailer, but will pay you—”
James tore his fingers through his hair. “Don’t do this, Kel.”
“I think we’ve proven we can’t be in the same room without sparks flying. We both need to cool down. I’ve already done several things I swore not to do. I won’t make an already difficult situation worse.” She caught the strap of the diaper bag and lifted it over her shoulder.
“Where are you going?” James asked, knowing he shouldn’t care. But he did.
“To get a room at a motel.” She headed out the door toward her truck.
He wanted to stop her, pull her into his arms and hold her. It made no sense at all, but nothing ever had, not where Kelly was concerned. Swearing under his breath, he followed her. “Will you call and let me know where I can reach you?”
“I want to visit Cal and meet his new wife, so I’ll drop by the clinic sometime tomorrow.” She hooked Will in his car seat and hurried around the rusted-out truck.
Unable to watch her go, James strode after her and caught the door just before she closed it. “Kel, wait. Can’t we talk?”
She swallowed hard and looked out the windshield. “I don’t know if that would help.”
“I’m here now, willing to listen. What do you say we give it a try?”
“I’m too tired to talk today,” she said.
“At least let me know what motel you’re at.” He finally let her slam the door.
With a lingering glance in his direction, Kelly started the pickup and backed down his driveway.
James stood there long after she’d disappeared around the curve in the road. He thought about all the things she’d said today and found he didn’t much like what he’d heard or the way he saw himself through her eyes.
It had been a long time since James had felt this out of sorts. He shouldn’t care about Kelly’s plans for his son’s future or that they didn’t seem to include him; he hadn’t even known about the boy until twenty-one hours ago. The fact that he worried about her at all irritated him almost as much as his inexplicable need to be with his son…and Kelly.
He headed toward his truck, cursing the vision of her that suddenly filled his head. Maybe several beers would help him forget how good she looked and her enticing scent. He doubted it would.
He needed to forget that while struggling to bring his child into this world, Kelly had found suffering alone preferable to leaning on him.
Kelly locked the motel door and slid the chain in place. She didn’t like the room or the location of the motel, but after stopping at five others that were full because of the rodeo in town that weekend, she would have to make do. Her only other option was to stay with James. She didn’t know if she could do that without slipping up and letting him see how much she still cared.
“Here, sweetheart, let me get your horse.” She pulled the stuffed horse from the diaper bag and gave it to Will, who settled on the floor with his favorite toy.
The room echoed with loneliness after the time she’d spent with James. Funny, she’d lived alone until Will’s birth, then it had been just the two of them. After only one day with James, she realized how much she’d missed adult conversation—almost as much as she’d missed him. Sure, she’d been around other students, but they were always listening to lectures. After class, she’d rushed to her job. And then there’d been Will.
Kelly’s thoughts drifted back to James. She had wanted to stay with him, but no telling what she would have done if she had. That’s why she’d created rule fifteen, to prevent that from happening. Though, actually, he had surprised her. He hadn’t done any of the things she’d expected when he’d learned he had a son. With only minimal ranting and raving, he’d taken her home with him, and even after she’d made a mess of explaining things by blurting out her feelings, he’d offered them a room.
She wasn’t sure the cowboy she’d once known would have sat still while she questioned his character. And if he had, he certainly wouldn’t have asked her to stay.
And now, thinking back on all she’d said, Kelly couldn’t remember when she’d wanted anything more than to be with James. Her reasons for leaving had everything to do with the way James had made her feel, just as it had before she’d left town three years ago.
Seeing him again had been a shock. The hurt she’d glimpsed when he’d thought she was married had almost been her undoing. But she’d prepared herself, knowing being around him again after all this time would be difficult. She’d formulated several new rules especially for the occasion. Still, it had taken all her strength to keep from walking into his arms, the only place she wanted to be.
Maybe she should call him. After all, he had asked how he could locate her. What could it hurt? She could smooth things over, make sure he hadn’t taken offense to her refusal to stay with him. If he got angry, he might change his mind about getting to know Will, and that’s why she’d put them both through the hell of telling him he had a son.
Kelly sat on the edge of the bed and punched in James’s home phone number. She knew it by heart, having dialed it hundreds of times in the past. Kelly clutched the phone so tightly her hand ached. After the sixth ring she replaced the receiver on the cradle as she had so many times before.
She stood and paced the room, so tired she wanted nothing more than to go to bed. What if he had gotten upset? What if he’d had an accident? What if he had gone out with another woman? Kelly patted Will’s head as she hurried back to the phone, her pulse racing as she dialed James’s cell phone number.
He answered on the fourth ring. “It’s your nickel.”
