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Gary turned to Ruddock. ‘We can give the others the lowdown over dinner.’
‘I appreciate it,’ said Ruddock. ‘Thank you for everything today.’
14 (#ulink_98f15eb7-ad20-5a39-baeb-ecc3e0bf4eea)
Astor’s was a grim and grubby hotel on I-5, a ten-minute drive from Tate PD. Ren and Gary checked in, and were given rooms next door to each other.
Hmm.
Sylvie Ross better be miles away.
‘Ren,’ said Gary, as she was about to open her door. ‘Keep your phone close by. Dr Lone will be calling you in ten.’
Ren froze.
‘Take his call,’ said Gary. He went into his room and closed the door.
Nice, Gary. Nice.
Ren opened her door with a nudge of her shoulder and walked in. Her stomach tensed.
Indian Burial Ground.
She put her bag on the floor, undressed, and crawled on to the bed.
Fuck Gary if he thinks I’m going to take that call. Fuck him. That’s the last time I’ll open up to him if I’m struggling. Asshole.
Ren’s cell phone rang, Lone’s name flashing on the screen.
Ugh. She picked up. ‘Hi.’
‘Hi, Ren,’ said Lone. ‘Gary suggested I give you a call. I heard you had a difficult morning.’
‘I did not have a difficult – fucking – morning. People were gathering for a search, and it was just … how the crowd was moving … it was closing in on me and I felt a little overwhelmed. Honestly – it lasted for about two minutes. That was it. I appreciate the call, but I’m fine.’
‘I haven’t seen you in a couple of weeks,’ said Lone. ‘I’m glad we’re able to speak.’
‘Yes,’ said Ren. ‘But I’m in Oregon to concentrate on work right now. It feels selfish to be focusing on me. I have a job to do.’ She sucked in a breath, and it didn’t feel like enough.
‘It might help to talk,’ said Lone. ‘It might be a good way to begin this case … to reduce your anxiety.’
He doesn’t think I should be doing this job.
‘I’m sorry,’ said Ren. ‘I’m hundreds of miles away and having this conversation over the phone and …’
‘Maybe that’s what it’s going to take,’ said Lone.
I don’t think so.
‘Are you still having intrusive thoughts about …’
I want to scream.
‘… events at Safe Streets?’ said Lone.
Yeah – thanks for clarifying.
He waited.
Please just stop. Stop. Stop.
‘And are the thoughts still—’
Are you kidding me?
‘I’m sorry …’ What can I fucking say?
‘You need to be able to talk about this,’ said Lone.
Ren let out a breath. ‘OK,’ she said, ‘let’s talk briefly about this monumental horror that I can do absolutely nothing about, because it is in the past. So I can’t go back, I can’t go forward—’
‘All you can ever do is one day at a time.’
Sweet Jesus, why does that always sound so depressing?
‘Small steps are all you can take at a time like this,’ said Lone.
What is wrong with him? Why is he talking in clichés?Have I become a cliché? Traumatized law enforcement officer …
‘I’m just not a small steps kind of girl,’ said Ren. ‘I feel that taking small steps would give me plenty of time to see that dark pit up ahead that is waiting to swallow me. I feel that taking small steps means prolonged dread, and this achingly slow passage of time.’
I feel. I feel. I feel. FUCK feeling.
‘The future is not a dark pit—’
‘Well, the present is a pretty dark pit and a year ago – when this would have been considered “the future” …’
‘You can’t live your life expecting doom,’ said Lone. ‘We spoke before about catastrophic thinking.’
FUCK catastrophic thinking and magical thinking and all adjectival thinking.
‘Well, if I had spent more time expecting doom,’ said Ren, ‘maybe I could have been prepared. I could have prevented what happened.’
‘Ren, you couldn’t have prevented it.’
‘I’m sorry, but that’s not true.’
‘It is,’ said Dr Lone. He waited. ‘Ren, you need to start thinking about facing the reality of what happened.’
I don’t like you any more. ‘I need to’, ‘I should’. ‘I’m sorry,’ Ren said. ‘I really can’t do this. I can’t. Not today.’ Probably not any day.
‘Please,’ said Lone. ‘Try to tell me what you are feeling.’
Feelings. Jesus. Christ.
I’m so tired.
‘Do you want to know?’ said Ren. ‘Honestly? I believe that everything that happened that day was to punish me.’
Lone waited.
‘Sometimes,’ said Ren, ‘I feel like there’s a darkness inside me – a black part, like a piece of coal. Pitch-black. It’s rough and hard, and … I feel that, because of that, I should be punished.’
‘You think you deserved this,’ said Lone.
‘Yes,’ said Ren. ‘No. I … don’t know.’
‘Talk to me about this darkness …’ said Lone.
No! ‘I know I won’t be able to explain it,’ said Ren. ‘It’s … obviously, I don’t want to harm anyone; it’s not the darkness of evil.’ Yes, it is. ‘It’s not like I want to kill people.’ Really?
‘And you are taking your meds …’ said Lone.
‘I really wish one conversation could go by without you asking me that,’ said Ren. Let me spell it out again: I. Am. Taking. My. Meds. ‘Yes – I am taking them.’
I am taking them, and I will continue to take them for the rest of my life, because I believe that not taking them killed my friends, and killed my boyfriend. There’s the reality: my friends, my boyfriend, my loved ones, are dead because I didn’t open a packet of pills and swallow them down with a glass of water like a good mental patient. Because I was too busy being mental. And wanting to feel good. I was too busy getting drunk, flirting with strangers, and deliberately ensnaring the man who went on to kill my friends, and my boyfriend, and I feel sick.
She dropped the phone, jumped up, ran for the bathroom, leaned over the toilet and threw up.
I am going to choke on this reality he wants me to face …
She walked back into the bedroom. She could hear Dr Lone’s voice through the phone.
‘Ren? Ren?’
She put the phone up to her ear. ‘Sorry. I ate some crappy sandwich earlier. I need to take five minutes before I join the team for dinner. Thanks for the call.’
‘Is everything OK?’ said Lone.
Oh, fuck off. Everyone, just fuck the fuck off.
15 (#ulink_29bf6b81-b33c-5d23-a63d-03378edfecef)
Ren showered, dressed, and stood in front of the mirror.
Ugh.
She grabbed her bag and did a quick no-makeup makeup job. She blasted her hair with the hairdryer, ran her fingers through it, left it down. It was five inches below her shoulders.
I have long hair now.
The last time I got this cut, Ben was alive.
Stop. It hurts. And it changes nothing.
Tears welled in her eyes.
Your mascara. Go.
Her cell phone rang. Gary.
‘Hey,’ said Ren.
‘You ready?’
‘Yes.’
‘Meet you outside. Paul and Sylvie are at the bar.’
Ren went out into the hallway. Gary appeared from his room, freshly showered.
Handsome.
‘Look, I know how you feel about Sylvie,’ said Gary, as they walked to the elevator.
Jesus, why are we talking about her again?
‘How I feel about her is irrelevant,’ said Ren. How I feel about Karen – your wife of almost twenty years – is ultimately too. ‘I do want you to be happy,’ said Ren. ‘Just … I can’t see how this is doing it for you.’
‘I thought I was going to die in that shooting,’ said Gary. ‘When I was laying there and I thought it was all over, I kept thinking about Sylvie. I—’
‘In what way?’ said Ren.
‘What? What do you mean—’
‘I’m serious,’ said Ren. ‘Were you thinking about how much you loved her and didn’t want to die because you’d never see her again? Or were you thinking, If I’m going to die, I want the love of my life by my side, and the face you saw was Sylvie’s? Or were you running through the showreel – thinking of her ass?’
‘Jesus, Ren—’
‘I just feel no one else will ask you the difficult shit. Your buddies aren’t going to—’
‘No one else knows.’
‘What?’ said Ren. ‘Well, that must be exhausting.’ She paused. ‘Does Sylvie think you’re going to leave Karen for her?’
He nodded.
‘And how’s that working out for you?’ said Ren. What is wrong with me? I feel mean.
