The Brass Bottle: A Farcical Fantastic Play in Four Acts

Fakrash

[Going to the window and repeating the incantation, then returning to the centre of the room.] All else hath utterly passed from their recollection.

Horace

Splendid! Do the thing well while you're about it – better throw in their coachman – oh, and the couple you saw here just now, – the Rapkins.

Fakrash

[Repeats the incantation, facing the door.] It is done. They remember naught of that they have seen. And now ask no more of me, but perform thy part and bring hither my bottle.

Horace

[Going to door down on the right.] Right! I'll go and get it out of my bedroom.

[He goes out.

Fakrash

[Pacing up and down in suspense and terror.] Haste! Haste! For until I am in my bottle once more every instant is an eternity!

Horace

[Returning with the bottle, which he sets down on the floor in front of the mantelpiece.] Here's your bottle! Got the stopper?

Fakrash

[After some fumbling in his robes, finds the metal cap and gives it to Horace.] It is here. Now swear to me by the beard of Progress that thou wilt drop me into deep waters, even as thou hast promised!

Horace

I swear it – by the beard of Progress – on whom be peace!.. You step in, sir, and leave the rest to me.

Fakrash

[As he raises his arms and moves towards the fireplace.] To escape into a bottle is pleasant!

Horace

Delightful!

Fakrash

[Who is now behind the bottle, with his arms extended in supplication and his back to the audience.] Towbah yah nebbi ullah Anna lah amill Kathalik ibadan! Wullah hi!

[With the last words he disappears through the neck of the bottle.Horace

[Standing by the bottle with the cap.] Tucked yourself in comfortably? Say when.

[There is a knock at the door leading to landing.Fakrash's Voice

[From interior of bottle.] I am betrayed! The constables of Progress are without! Let me forth that I may slay them and secure safety!

Horace

[Promptly clapping on the cap and screwing it tightly.] You're safer where you are, old cocky! Good-bye! [Wipes his forehead.] Phew! Near thing that! [The knock is repeated.] All right! Wait a bit! I'm busy!

[He takes the bottle into his bedroom.Rapkin's Voice

[Outside door.] All right, sir! [Horace returns, goes to door at back, and unlocks it; to Rapkin, who is seen with a telegram.] What is it?

Rapkin

[Entering.] Reply telegram, sir. [Handing it to Horace.] Boy's waiting.

Horace

[Reading the telegram.] "Can you dine with wife and self, Savoy Hotel, 8.15 to-night? Quite small party. Could discuss plans new house. Ask for 'Pinafore' Room. – Wackerbath." Good! Wackerbath's all right, anyhow! [He pulls a chair to the table and sits down to fill up the reply form. As he does so his face suddenly clouds.] The Savoy, though! Pringle's dining there to-night… Good Lord! I forgot all about Pringle! I wonder if Fakrash has made him forget? If he didn't, by George! there'll be a pretty kettle of fish!

Rapkin

[Thinking he is being addressed.] Beg pardon, sir?

Horace

Nothing – I wasn't speaking to you. [Finishes writing the form and hands it to Rapkin.] Can you read it?

Rapkin

[Reading.] "Delighted. Savoy, 8.15 to-night. – Ventimore." Excuse me, sir, but when is it you're expecting friends to dinner 'ere?

Horace

[At a loss for the moment.] Er —when? I – I'm not sure. [As he crosses to his bedroom.] Oh, just tell Mrs. Rapkin I should like to see her.

[He goes into bedroom.Rapkin

[Looking round, as Mrs. Rapkin enters from landing.] Mr. Ventimore was just asking for you, Marire.

Mrs. Rapkin

[Surprised.] Was he? I didn't know he'd come in.

[She crosses to the bookcase, places a newspaper on the shelf on left of fireplace, then goes to the windows and closes them.Rapkin

Nor yet me – but he 'ave.

[He goes out, leaving door open.Horace

[Coming from bedroom, carrying a bulky and apparently heavy kit-bag.] I only wanted to tell you that I sha'n't be in to dinner to-night, Mrs. Rapkin.

[He sets the bag down on the table.Mrs. Rapkin

Goin' out of town, sir?

Horace

No. Why? [Mrs. Rapkin indicates the bag.] Oh, this kit-bag? I'm lending it – to a friend of mine. Just going to see him off – [taking up the bag again and going to the door] – for a long holiday. I shall come in to dress. [To himself.] Fool I was to forget Pringle!

[As Horace goes out the stage is in darkness for an interval of a minute or two, after which the curtain rises on the last scene.

SCENE II

The "Pinafore" private room at the Savoy Hotel.

At the back is a wide arch, beyond which is a glazed balcony, with a view over the tops of the Embankment trees of the river and the Surrey bank, with the Shot Towers, &c., and the ends of Waterloo Bridge on the extreme left, and of Charing Cross Railway Bridge on the extreme right.

At the rising of the curtain this view is seen in a warm sunset glow.

Above the arch there is a door on the right, leading to the corridor and restaurant; another on the left, by which the waiters come in and go out.

Below the arch, down on the right, is a fireplace; above the fireplace, at right angles to it, a couch, and behind the couch a long flower-stand filled with flowers and palms.

Up the stage, centre, is a round table, laid for six persons, and elaborately decorated with pink Gloire de France roses, under rose-shaded lamp. Six chairs are placed round it, and a seventh chair is in the glazed balcony.

Below the arch, on the left, is another door, and down on left, at a slight angle, a sofa, with occasional tables and chairs. Against the wall on left is a glazed cabinet.

The furniture and decorations are copied from the original room in the Savoy Hotel.

As the curtain rises the Second Waiter is placing the napkins under the supervision of the First Waiter. Waltz music is heard from the restaurant on the right.

Pringle's Voice

[Outside door above arch, to unseen attendant.] "Entrance from the Embankment as well," eh? Well, why didn't you tell me that? My friends have probably come in that way while I was waiting at the other end! This is the "Pinafore" Room, isn't it? Very well, then – I expect I shall find them in here. [He enters, and looks round the room.] No. They don't seem to have arrived yet.

First Waiter

[By the table.] Not yet. They vill be here soon.

[The Second Waiter goes out.Pringle

Eh? Well, I hope so, I'm sure. They're behind their time as it is. [Inspecting table.] H'm! Not bad. But you needn't have had all those roses – half a dozen would have been quite sufficient. And – hang it all! You've laid for six people!

First Waiter

Pardon, m'sieu – we receive orders to lay for six person.

Pringle

Nonsense! Your orders were to lay for four. A "petty party carry" – if you know what that means.

First Waiter

Parfaitement – but I think perhaps there is some mistake. This is the "Pinafore" Room.

Pringle

I know that– and the manager told me this morning on the telephone that he's reserved the "Pinafore" Room for me. I'm only expecting three guests, though; so just clear away those two extra places, and look sharp about it.

[The Second Waiter returns.First Waiter

But excuse – the manager he say to me —

Pringle

Confound you, do you suppose I don't know how many people I've asked? Have the table altered at once, or I shall send for the manager.

First Waiter

[With a shrug.] Bien, m'sieu! You tell me there is a mistake – that is enoff – I alter it.

[He gives orders in an undertone to the Second Waiter, who removes two of the chairs to the balcony, and takes off the corresponding plates, glasses, &c.Pringle

[As he comes down to the left.] I sha'n't pay for more than four – mind that! [To himself, as he sits on the couch down left.] It's going to cost me quite enough without that, I can see! [The Westminster Clock-tower is heard striking the quarter; Pringle takes out his watch.] Eight-fifteen! And I asked them for eight sharp. Very singular – the Professor's generally so punctual! [He rises eagerly as the door on right above arch opens.] Ah, here they are! [Horace enters and comes down; Pringle draws himself up stiffly.] What, you, Ventimore! I scarcely expected to see you here to-night.

[The two Waiters go out; the waltz music stops.Horace

[Coming down to couch by fireplace.] Didn't you? I rather thought I might run across you, somehow.

Pringle

[Austerely.] Considering that, when I last saw you, you were flying over the chimney-pots with an Oriental enchanter you had released from a brass bottle —

Horace

[Seating himself on sofa by fireplace.] Ah! So you haven't forgotten!

Pringle

It's hardly a thing one would be likely to forget in a hurry. You were being conducted to meet your bride, I think – are you beginning your honeymoon in this hotel?

Horace

If you want to know, I'm here because I'm dining with the Wackerbaths.

Pringle

What! – the client I met in your office this morning? Then he must have an uncommonly short memory, that's all! But, whether you're dining with him or not, that's no reason why you should have forced your way in here! I suppose you're hoping that, if you can only see Miss Futvoye —

Horace

You're wrong, Pringle, quite wrong. I don't in the least expect to see Miss Futvoye here to-night. And I very much doubt if you will, either.

Pringle

Do you? You wouldn't if you'd heard her parting words to me this afternoon. I said to her: "You won't forget?" Her answer was: "As if I could– after all you've done for us!"

Horace

It – it's just possible that all of them may have forgotten an engagement which was made under – rather peculiar circumstances.

Pringle

That's just why they're not likely to forget it. [Going to fireplace, and standing with his back to it.] They may be here at any moment!

Horace

They may– but, if I were you, I shouldn't count on them.

Pringle

I do count on them – and I consider your intrusion here in the worst possible taste. I think you might have the decency to go!

Horace

[Rising.] I tell you I'm here because this is the room which Wackerbath asked me to come to.

Pringle

It won't do, you know! If it was, he'd be here to receive you – which he isn't.

[As he speaks Mr. Wackerbath bustles in from the door below the arch on the left. Horace goes forward to meet him, Pringle remaining by the fireplace in wrathful astonishment.Mr. Wackerbath

[Shaking hands effusively with Horace.] My dear Mr. Ventimore, I really don't know how to apologise, neither the wife nor myself down to receive you! I do hope you haven't been waiting long?

Horace

Only just come, I assure you.

Mr. Wackerbath

We have a private room, you see – the wife prefers it to the – ah – publicity of the restaurant. [The First and Second Waiters enter from the door on the left above the arch.] If you'll excuse me for a moment, I'll just see how they've arranged the table. [He bustles up to the table.] Why, hullo! What's this? Only four places! I ordered dinner for six!

First Waiter

I regret – but it is not my fault. I lay for six, and a gentleman assure me I am wrong, it is for four person only.

Mr. Wackerbath

Don't talk about it – put it right at once. I want a chair in here – and another here.

[He remains by the table, while the Waiters replace chairs and bring back plates, glasses, &c.Pringle

[To Horace.] Ventimore! [Horace crosses to fireplace.] Will you kindly explain to your host that that's my dinner-table he's taking these liberties with?

Horace

I know nothing about it. You had better settle that with him yourself.

Pringle

I intend to – presently.

[He stands, nursing his grievance, as Mr. Wackerbath comes down to Horace.Mr. Wackerbath

[To Horace.] Those fellows seem to have mistaken their orders. Lucky I noticed it in time! [Mrs. Wackerbath enters from the door below arch.] Ah, here is my wife! Eliza, my dear – [presenting Horace] – our friend, Mr. Ventimore.

Mrs. Wackerbath

[To Horace, cordially, but with a nervous, fluttered manner.] Oh, how do you do? I am so pleased to meet you! I've been hearing so much about you from my husband. [She goes to sofa on the left, and sits.] It will be so delightful to have a home at last that is really fit to live in!

[Pringle, hearing this, makes a contemptuous ejaculation to himself.Mr. Wackerbath

[To Horace.] I ought to tell you this is quite an impromptu little affair. The wife only came up this morning for a day or two in town, and asked some old friends of ours to dinner. So I wired to you on the off-chance of your being free to come and meet them.

Mrs. Wackerbath

So kind of you to come on such short notice!

Horace

I was delighted.

Mrs. Wackerbath

[Suddenly realising Pringle's presence; to Mr. Wackerbath.] But, Samuel, aren't you forgetting to introduce your other guest?

Horace

[To himself foreseeing trouble.] Good Lord!

[He goes up round the table to the glazed balcony.Mr. Wackerbath

[Surprised, to Mrs. Wackerbath.] My other– ? I was not aware – [He turns and sees Pringle, and advances to him.] You must excuse me, sir, but I didn't see you before. I – ah – haven't the pleasure of knowing your name – at present.

Pringle

[Coming forward.] My name is Pringle. Yours– [meaningly] – is quite well known to me, Mr. Wackerbath.

Mr. Wackerbath

[Gratified, but not surprised.] Ha! Very good of you to say so. And I needn't tell you that any friend of Mr. Ventimore's —

Pringle

[Tartly.] I am not here in that capacity, sir. I am here because I also am expecting friends to dine with me. And I was certainly given to understand that this room had been reserved for my own party.

Mrs. Wackerbath

[In some distress.] Oh, dear! I am so sorry. I'm afraid I'm to blame. I asked the manager for this room – he told me it was engaged, but he would arrange for you to have the "Patience" Room instead.

Pringle

I can only assure you that this is the first I've heard of it, or else —

Mrs. Wackerbath

[Rising.] I quite thought it would be explained to you, and I do so hope the change hasn't put you to any great inconvenience?

Pringle

[Sourly.] I'm afraid, Mrs. Wackerbath, it has put my guests to considerable inconvenience, as they have presumably been shown into the "Patience" Room, and been waiting there for nearly half an hour – if they haven't already left! So – [making a movement towards the arch] – if you will kindly permit me —

Horace

[Coming down, and intercepting him; in an under>tone.] You won't find them there, Pringle. They haven't come. They won't come now, I assure you.

Professor's Voice

[On left, outside door above arch.] This must be the room, Sophia – I observe "Pinafore" on the door.

Pringle

[In a triumphant undertone to Horace, who is completely staggered.] There! Who's right now? I knew they wouldn't forget!

[He advances to the end of the sofa by fireplace to receive the Futvoyes, while Horace effaces himself so far as possible in the corner behind the flower-stand.Horace

[To himself in despair.] That old fool of a Fakrash! He's muffed it again!

[The Futvoyes enter; Mrs. Futvoye first, then Sylvia, and the Professor bringing up the rear.Pringle

[Cheerily, to Mrs. Futvoye.] Aha!

[His welcome dies away as they all pass on without seeming to notice any one but Mr. and Mrs. Wackerbath, who advance from the left to receive them. Pringle retreats slightly, and looks on in speechless indignation.Mr. Wackerbath

My dear Mrs. Futvoye, delighted to see you – delighted! [As Mrs. Futvoye greets Mrs. Wackerbath, to Sylvia.] And this smart young woman is my little god-daughter, eh? How d'ye do, my dear? [To Professor.] And how is our excellent Professor?

[They converse in by-play; Mrs. Wackerbath takes Mrs. Futvoye to sofa on left; Sylvia goes up towards arch to a place from which she can see neither Horace nor Pringle.Mrs. Wackerbath

[To Mrs. Futvoye, as they seat themselves.] Dearest

Sophia! We meet so seldom now!

Mrs. Futvoye

We do indeed, Eliza!

[They talk in undertones.Pringle

[By fireplace, to himself, with the deepest disgust.] First my room, and then my guests!

Mr. Wackerbath

[Turning to Mrs. Futvoye, as the Professor joins Sylvia.] I want to introduce a friend of ours – very rising young fellow – [He looks round for Horace, and discovers him by the flower stand.] Ah, there he is – Mr. Ventimore. [Horace pulls himself together and comes forward, not in the least knowing what reception to expect.] Mr. Ventimore, Mrs. Anthony Futvoye.

[Horace bows in considerable anxiety.Mrs. Futvoye

Why, my dear Mr. Wackerbath, we know one another quite well already! [To Horace, laughing.] Don't we, Horace?

[Horace takes her hand with obvious relief.Sylvia

[Coming down smiling, between Mr. Wackerbath and Horace.] How are you, Horace?

[Horace shakes hands warmly with her.Professor Futvoye

[Approaching as Mr. Wackerbath turns to his wife and Mrs. Futvoye, to Horace not over cordially, but without asperity.] How are you, Ventimore? Curious we should meet like this! We were talking about you on our way here – that little dinner of yours, you know.

Horace

[With reviving anxiety.] That – little dinner, Professor?

Sylvia

Yes, Horace, we couldn't remember which night it is we're dining with you – is it to-morrow, or the night after?

Horace

[Relieved again.] Oh, it's to-morrow – to-morrow!

[Pringle has heard all this with a contempt and disgust that are indicated by his expression.Sylvia

Then mother was right! I'd fearful misgivings that it was for last night, and that somehow we'd forgotten all about it. Wouldn't that have been too dreadful of us?

Horace

Oh, I – I don't know. I mean – I could have forgiven even that.

Professor Futvoye

Ah, now I think of it – [interposing between Sylvia and Horace, and drawing him apart, while Sylvia goes up towards the table] – did you find time to attend that sale for me yesterday?

Horace

[Blankly.] Oh, yes. I attended it.

Professor Futvoye

We called at your rooms yesterday afternoon, but you weren't in, so we didn't wait for you. Now tell me – [anxiously] – did you get any of those lots for me, or didn't you?

Horace

Well, no. I had the most rotten luck.

Professor Futvoye

[With relief.] It's just as well you didn't – just as well. I doubt now whether I could afford the money. I find I shall be put to considerable expense – for repairs to my study.

[He turns to Mr. Wackerbath, who is on his right. Sylvia comes down, and Pringle advances to greet her, but, finding she evidently sees no one but Horace, he goes up towards the balcony fuming with rage.Sylvia

[To Horace.] Come and sit down somewhere, and tell me everything you've been doing.

[Horace takes her to the sofa by the fireplace, where they sit down and talk in dumb show, while Pringle is now hanging about undecidedly near the flower-stand, waiting his opportunity for addressing Sylvia, and furiously jealous at finding her still too absorbed to notice him; Mrs. Futvoye and Mrs. Wackerbath are talking confidentially on the sofa on the left side of the room, and the Professor and Mr. Wackerbath are standing in the centre.Mr. Wackerbath

So you and my young friend Ventimore are already acquainted, eh, Professor?

Professor Futvoye

Why, yes. In fact, he's supposed to be engaged to Sylvia. But, between ourselves, I should feel more satisfied if there was any prospect of his getting work.

Mr. Wackerbath

My dear Futvoye, you needn't be uneasy about that! Why, this house he's building for me will find him work enough. He's an able young chap, and I shouldn't be surprised if he gave me a perfect palace!

Pringle

[Who is near enough to hear this, comes down.] What, another palace, Mr. Wackerbath?

Mr. Wackerbath

[In some astonishment.] Eh? Why, bless my soul, sir, I thought you'd gone to the "Patience" Room long ago!

Pringle

[Drily.] I found it wasn't necessary. How are you, Professor? [With the air of a host.] Delighted to see you.

Professor Futvoye

[Shaking hands perfunctorily.] Oh, how are you, my boy, how are you? [Turning his shoulder on Pringle, and continuing to Mr. Wackerbath, as they go up together towards the table, ignoring Pringle.] Wackerbath, about this house of yours? – do I understand that Ventimore is – ?

[They talk in dumb show, and during the next few speeches the First Waiter enters, and Mr. Wackerbath gives him an order, after which the Waiter goes out and returns with two cocktails. The Professor sits by the table and Mr. Wackerbath stands as they drink. Pringle meanwhile has returned to the corner of the flower-stand and is no longer able to control his temper.Pringle

[To Sylvia, with elaborate sarcasm, as he offers his hand, which she does not see at first.] Good evening, Miss Sylvia, it's really about time that I reminded you of my humble existence.

Sylvia

[With slightly raised eyebrows, as she shakes hands.] Oh, how do you do, Mr. Pringle? I didn't see you come in.

[Horace sits by in silence, feeling powerless to stop Pringle at present.Pringle

[Unpleasantly.] No, you were so much engaged. [In a tone of injury.] And I must say I little expected when I last saw you at Cottesmore Gardens – scarcely seven hours ago – !

Sylvia

[Smiling, but surprised.] Seven hours! It is more like seven weeks!

Pringle

[Beaming fatuously.] Charming of you to put it in that way! I was almost beginning to fear that you had forgotten – [with meaning] – our last meeting.

Sylvia

[Innocently.] In Vincent Square yesterday afternoon? Of course not. I meant since you had been to see us. And that's ages ago!

Pringle

[Blankly.] Ages ago!

Sylvia

[Carelessly.] Oh, you said you'd been away, or working hard, or something, didn't you? I forgive you. And so you are dining with Mr. and Mrs. Wackerbath, too?

Pringle

[Stiffly.] With Mr. and Mrs. – ! Pardon me, but I am under the impression that I am to have the honour of entertaining you.

Sylvia

[Rising; Horace rising as she does.] Entertaining us! Why, what could have made you think that?

Pringle

[In a low voice.] And you can throw me over like this! After all I've done for you? Oh, Sylvia!