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‘Johnny? Papa would never let him go! He’s needed here at home. And so are you, Richard.’
‘Oh, come, Alexandra! Needed? You know very well that my father takes no pleasure in my company, and Channings is so well run it really has no need of me, either. No, I don’t think I should be missed.’ Richard spoke a touch bitterly and Lexi was silent for a moment. Then, making an effort to sound calm, she said in a small voice,
‘We would miss you, Richard…’
‘It would only be for two or three years—I don’t intend to make a career of it. But Johnny seems very set on the idea. I think he might go whatever your father says.’
‘Oh, if Johnny’s mind is made up, then Papa will give in. Johnny always gets his way in the end.’ She was silent for a moment, thinking of what it would mean to her father as well as herself. Then she said angrily, ‘My brother is such a clunch! He gets these ideas, and goes ahead without thinking of the consequences.’
‘And you don’t?’ asked Richard, looking at her with such quizzical affection that she had to laugh.
‘I know, I know! The Rawdons rush in without thinking. How often have I heard you say that? But Johnny’s much worse than I am, you know he is! It wouldn’t surprise me in the least if you had rescued him from any number of scrapes while you were both in London.’ She paused, and when she next spoke she sounded unusually bitter. ‘Now he wants to go into the Army, and he will. We all do our best to please Johnny, but he doesn’t care! He ploughs on quite merrily, not thinking of the unhappiness he leaves behind.’
‘You sound as if you don’t like your brother.’
‘I’m not sure I do at the moment.’ She looked up to see Richard frowning. She went on, ‘Oh, you needn’t worry. I may not like him just now, but I shall always love him. In spite of all his faults.’
‘Or perhaps even because of them,’ said Richard. ‘Because that’s the way he is. Isn’t that so?’ He smiled.
The smile did something to her. She suddenly felt absurdly happy, sure that Richard never smiled at any other girl in that particular teasing, affectionate way. The smile was for her alone and no one else. As he turned to help her over the stile at the end of the path, a sudden impulse stopped her from leaping down as she usually did. Instead, she stood on the step, rested her hands on his shoulders, and looked down at him with a grin.
‘Which of my faults do you love me for, Richard?’ she asked, tilting her head to one side, eyes alight with mischief, her hair falling over her shoulder in a mass of copper, almost touching his face.
His hands were at her waist, ready to jump her down, but he suddenly became very still. His grasp tightened, his eyes grew dark, and he wasn’t smiling any more. His gaze rested on her mouth… Lexi suddenly felt breathless, even nervous.
‘Richard?’ she said uncertainly.
It was just as suddenly over. He said something under his breath, then dropped his hands and shook his head. After a moment he said calmly and somewhat distantly, ‘I couldn’t possibly say. There are so many of them!’
His reaction disappointed her, and she felt an urge to disturb that calm self-possession again. She said, ‘Do you know, I thought just for a moment there you were going to kiss me. Did you want to?’
‘Of course not,’ he said with a flicker of anger. ‘What a ridiculous idea! You’re still a child, Alexandra.’
Stung, she replied, ‘I’m nearly sixteen. Not all that much younger than you! You never seemed to notice the difference in the old days!’
‘It wasn’t the same then. We were all of us children,’ he said curtly.
‘But…why didn’t you want to kiss me? Aren’t I pretty enough?’
‘You’re not old enough! Alexandra, if you were anything but a child you wouldn’t ask such questions! Not of anyone!’
‘I wouldn’t ask anyone else. I wouldn’t want anyone else to kiss me, Richard. Only you.’
He looked at her in exasperation, as if he wasn’t sure how to reply to this. Then he shook his head and said abruptly, ‘I suppose you think I’m flattered. But I’m not. You really don’t know anything at all about it, Alexandra. And, unless you want me to leave you here to go back by yourself, we’ll end this stupid conversation right now!’
He sounded as if he meant what he was saying. Lexi nodded.
‘Very well,’ she said. Then she threw him another glance full of mischief. ‘But I still think you wanted to kiss me. I suppose I’ll just have to wait till I’m older.’
He seemed to speak almost against his will. ‘It’s very likely that you won’t want me to kiss you then,’ he said.
‘Oh, yes, I will!’ Lexi said confidently. ‘And, what’s more, you’ll still want to kiss me, too. You’re mine, Richard Deverell! We belong to one another.’
For the rest of the summer, though Richard was perfectly amiable, he kept his distance, never showing by look or action that he thought of her as anything but a good companion, his best friend’s little sister. But Lexi lay awake at night, imagining the kiss he had denied her and fantasising about the future, and though it was never again referred to between them she never faltered in her conviction that he was hers.
She watched him with the other young ladies and was reassured. No rivals there, she thought with satisfaction. And next year he might consider her old enough… But in the end a greater and more powerful rival took Richard away from her. In the autumn he and Johnny announced that they were indeed going into the Army.
Nothing would deter them, certainly not Lexi’s protests. Not even Sir Jeremy Rawdon’s strenuous efforts could prevent his only son from embarking on such a dangerous career. Johnny was adamant. Richard was going, and so would he. It would be an adventure, a great lark.
‘But don’t you see how unhappy Papa is?’ Lexi cried one day. ‘How unhappy we both are! Why are you doing this to us?’
‘Because I want to! Two or three years in a decent regiment would be tremendous fun! I’ve enjoyed this summer, but I’m not ready to settle down yet! Besides, Richard is going. You don’t see his family making all this fuss.’
‘You know very well why that is so,’ said Lexi hotly. ‘Lord Deverell doesn’t care! He’s never taken the slightest interest in anything Richard does. It’s not surprising that his son feels no obligation to him. But Papa loves you, Johnny! You’re his only son!’
‘Oh, stop it! You’re a girl—you can’t possibly understand what it means. I don’t see why Papa is so worried. Nothing will happen to me. I’ll be back in a couple of years and ready to take on those damned obligations you both ram down my throat. Lexi, don’t look so worried! I’ll be all right—you’ll see.’
So in the end Sir Jeremy reluctantly gave in, and by the spring of 1811 Lieutenants Richard Deverell and Johnny Rawdon were serving under Wellington’s command in Spain. Johnny’s ‘couple of years’ stretched to three. The two friends did not finally return to England until the May of 1814—after Napoleon had been defeated and safely confined on Elba.
Perhaps she was the child Richard had called her, but, curiously, Lexi never doubted that Richard and Johnny would come back safely, was confident that the years would bring nothing but happiness. And, though she missed them, she was determined to make good use of her time in their absence. She had till then regarded the accomplishments expected of the daughter of a wealthy landowner—the ability to dress well, to dance gracefully, to sing, play and draw well—as a waste of time. But she now threw her considerable energy and talent into acquiring every social grace. When Richard returned he was to be astonished, overcome, at the change in her. He would find her irresistible.
Then, a few months before they were due to return, Lady Wroxford, her godmother, somewhat belatedly remembered a promise made long before to Lady Rawdon that Lexi should have a London season. So Lexi spent the first half of the year with Lady Wroxford in her house in Curzon Street, and was introduced to the polite world. To everyone’s surprise, including her own, she had a modest success. Her determination to learn how to enchant Richard Deverell on his return served her well in the critical world of the London ton, and she soon had a circle of admirers wherever she went.
Her godmother did more than just keep her promise. A woman of taste and wealth, she had taken delight in providing her protégée with a wardrobe of beautiful clothes that flattered and enhanced her unusual colouring. Unusual was a word frequently used of Lexi Rawdon. She had learned to control the impulsive ways and hot temper that went with her copper hair, had moderated her careless stride of the past into the decorous steps of a young lady of fashion, but traces of the old free grace and high spirits remained. She was not beautiful in the accepted sense, but her glorious hair and sparkling lavender-blue eyes made sure she was noticed, and her frank, open ways, her wit, her ready laughter, kept a constant supply of admirers round her. The fact that the Rawdons of Rawdon Hall were an old and wealthy family was, of course, an additional attraction. Soon Alexandra Rawdon’s name was on the list of the season’s most sought-after débutantes.
But though Lexi was always polite, she showed an indifference to flattery and admiration that the world found intriguing. The world didn’t realise—how could it?—that Miss Rawdon’s apparent lack of interest in her success was perfectly genuine. Though she was enjoying London life, it was merely an amusement, a distraction, while she waited for one man to return from the wars. Charming, well bred, wealthy, and seemingly not unduly eager to find a husband, Lexi was soon declared to be out of the usual run of débutantes, and most attractive. Before the season was very old she had received several flattering offers.
And she turned them all down. Lady Wroxford expostulated, accusing her of being difficult to please. Lexi listened meekly, but said nothing. How could she tell her kind godmother the truth? That she was waiting for one man to come to London? That only he, and no other, would ever please her?
Then at last Richard and Johnny arrived. They came back from Spain, bronzed, fit, no longer boys, but men, toughened by their experiences on the battlefields of Spain, and confident of their power. But to her they were still dear, still two of the three most important people in her world. For a few short months the future looked brilliant.
The spell of these happy memories was broken, as the door opened and Lexi was brought back from the past to the bedroom at Channings. Someone came in. It was probably Murdie, Lady Honoria’s maid, come to take her mistress’s place.
‘Alexandra?’
Not Murdie. Richard. No one else ever called her Alexandra in quite that way. Besides, she would know his voice anywhere, deep, calm, sometimes tender. Even though her own eyes were closed, she felt his grey eyes examining her, speculating… Her heart started thumping, but she held herself still, pretending to be in a deep sleep.
‘Alexandra, open your eyes. We must talk.’
Why could that voice still enchant her? The temptation to do as he said was almost irresistible, but she couldn’t, wouldn’t give in. Why didn’t he go away?
‘Did my aunt upset you again? She’s old, Alexandra. She can’t understand…’ His voice had a wry sort of humour in it as he added, ‘For that matter, nor can I. But I’m not as tired or as angry as she is. Don’t let her put you off. You might even feel better after we’ve talked. And sooner or later we shall have to put the pieces of our lives back together again.’
Put the pieces back together again? That would take a miracle! Lexi rather thought they were beyond repair. Still without opening her eyes, she turned her head away from him.
Richard waited for a moment. Alexandra was not asleep. He knew that. But though it was getting more and more urgent for him to talk to her, he was reluctant to force her before she was ready. The events of the past few months had brought her dangerously close to breakdown. He looked down at his wife. Her eyes were still determinedly shut, but the purple shadows surrounding them, and the hollows in her pale cheeks, showed how badly she needed this time of rest and recuperation.
Perhaps it would help to talk of happier times… He sat down by the bed and thought of her as he had seen her in a London ballroom when he and Johnny had come back from Spain in May 1814. The carelessly dressed child he had known in Somerset had turned into a glowing girl, poised and very much aware of her powers. He addressed the still figure in the bed.
‘Alexandra… Do you remember dancing with me in London? Johnny and I had just got back from France after our years in the Peninsula. Napoleon had been packed off to Elba and London was celebrating. Everyone said what a brilliant season it was. Do you remember? London was full of visitors—European royalty, diplomats and couriers, sightseers, and all sorts of hangers-on. There seemed to be far more of them than there were of the soldiers returning from the wars… Johnny and I were two of the soldiers, and I can tell you we felt somewhat outnumbered by all those civilians.’
He paused, but Alexandra gave no sign that she was listening. He went on, ‘I saw you first at the ball in Northumberland House, I remember. Johnny and I had arrived in London not long before, and had come there hoping to find you.’
Richard fell silent. The occasion was still vivid in his memory. He had seen Alexandra as soon as they had entered the ballroom, but it had taken Johnny a few minutes longer. The sight of his sister then had stopped him in his tracks.
‘There she is!’ he had said in amazement. ‘Over there. Good Lord, Dev, she looks stunning! I would never have imagined she’d turn out so well! Just look at her—if you can. She’s damned near surrounded!’ Richard remembered his own feelings as he looked at the laughing girl on the other side of the room. Tall and graceful, her hair twisted into a shining knot on top of her head, she looked completely self-possessed, and quite at home in the sophisticated world of London society. Though the smile was as enchanting as ever, she looked very different from the girl with the mane of copper hair who had stood on top of the stile and tempted him to kiss her almost four eventful years before. He could still remember the scent of that hair as it had brushed against his cheek, still recall the sensations aroused in him then…
‘We’d better go across before she sees us and comes rushing over,’ Johnny had said next. ‘She’s bound to be excited, but it would never do. Not in a ballroom.’
Richard had known Johnny’s sister better than Johnny had. He remembered saying wryly, ‘Alexandra knows we’re here already. She saw us the moment we came in—or very soon after.’
‘What?’
‘Your sister has grown up, my boy! She won’t come rushing over—she’s waiting for us to join her.’
‘Well, I’m damned! Come on, then!’
Now, more than a year later, sitting by Alexandra’s bed in the aftermath of the disastrous episode in the church, Richard was filled with regret. If only his father had been a more reasonable man… He could have asked Alexandra to marry him then and there, and if he had things might have turned out very differently for all of them. He shook his head impatiently and got up. ‘If only’, ‘could have’, if…if…if…what use was that? Going back was impossible. What was clear at present was that Alexandra was not going to acknowledge he was even there. He’d have to leave it for today. Tomorrow he would have a word with Dr Loudon and see what he had to say. Somehow or other they had to move on, attempt to make sense of this mess. She couldn’t escape into sleep forever.
His voice cooler, he said, ‘Very well. I can see you aren’t yet ready to talk to me. But I won’t give you much longer, Alexandra. We made a bargain, you and I, and I shall see that you keep to your side of it. I’ll be back.’
He walked to the door. ‘Murdie? You can come in now. Lady Deverell is still asleep.’ Murdie came in, and with a last look at his wife Richard went out, shutting the door quietly behind him.
Chapter Three
T he door closed. Lexi heard a rustle of skirts, and felt Lady Honoria’s maid gently straightening the sheets. She was safe.
Still keeping her eyes closed, she contemplated the pictures called up by what Richard had just said. She remembered watching the two men enter the ballroom at Northumberland House. Even in a company that was by then well used to officers in its midst, they had attracted attention. The taller one, dark, with cool grey eyes and an air of arrogance about him, had appeared to be indifferent to the interested gaze of the ladies. The other, with a thatch of dark red hair and laughing blue eyes, had returned their glances with enjoyment. Richard and Johnny. They looked so spruce in their dress uniforms that no one could have guessed that they had arrived in London only that afternoon. Lexi sighed and sought escape into the past again…
Though she had been fully conscious of the two men circling the ballroom in search of her, was aware of their every movement, she made a great effort to appear not to have noticed them. No longer was she the impulsive hoyden who had followed the two boys round wherever they went, pleading to be allowed to go with them. She had learned a lot in the past year or two, and now was the time to put her lessons to good use. And she was determined that when Richard finally found where she was, he would have to come to her. When he reached her at last she was ready.
‘Johnny! Richard!’ she cried with a surprised look and a warm but not extravagantly affectionate smile. ‘Why didn’t you tell us you were in London? It’s wonderful to see you—and both looking so well.’ Before they could say anything she turned to her godmother. ‘Lady Wroxford—you know Johnny already, of course, but this is his friend, Richard Deverell. Lady Wroxford is my godmother, Richard, and a very kind one, too.’
Conventional words, covering a tumult of feeling. As they stood and chatted to her godmother she examined them covertly. They were both still handsome, but they looked older, no longer boys, but men in their prime, with an air of command about them, a hint of ruthlessness. Lexi reminded herself that they had spent the last three years fighting under Wellington in the harshest of conditions, that they had faced death and disease, defeat as well as victory. And now, from what they were saying to Lady Wroxford, it appeared they wanted to put it all behind them and enjoy what was left of one of the most brilliant Seasons London had seen for a long time.
In the days and weeks that followed Lexi realised that Johnny had not changed underneath. He was still her beloved, amusing, carelessly affectionate brother, kind when it suited him, but basically selfish. At first it was Johnny who escorted her to the many events during the rest of the month, but, as his circle of acquaintances expanded, he grew less eager to be tied to his sister. He began to ask Richard to deputise for him, to Lexi’s great annoyance. It was no part of her plan that Richard should regard himself as a substitute brother. But help came from an unexpected quarter. Lady Wroxford, too, was uneasy at the arrangement.
‘My dear, I know from what you and your brother have told me that Mr Deverell has always been regarded as a member of the family, but the truth is he is a handsome and extremely eligible male who is not at all related to you. Unless you wish to provoke undesirable gossip, you will not be seen in his company as often as John suggests.’
When she put the same point to Johnny, however, he roared with laughter. ‘Oh, forgive me, ma’am, but that is nonsense!’
‘Indeed?’ said Lady Wroxford icily. ‘I think I know the world of the ton better than you, John. And, while I am in charge of your sister, I will not allow her to be compromised, however close she and Mr Deverell have been in the past. That was when she was a child, not the very attractive young lady she now is.’
‘You mean people might say Dev ought to marry her?’
‘I am sure neither Mr Deverell, nor your sister, would do anything to encourage the gossips to go as far as that, but one cannot be too careful.’
Johnny frowned, then his face lit up and he said eagerly, ‘But that wouldn’t half be a bad idea! It’s never occurred to me before, but Dev would be a first-rate catch for Lexi! They’ve known each other for ever, and they’ve always got on well. What do you say, Lexi? Would you like to marry Dev? I think he would be willing if I asked him to. I don’t think he has anyone else in mind, and now the wars are over he’ll soon have to think of marrying.’
Lexi’s face flamed and she had difficulty in speaking. After a moment she said fiercely, ‘Don’t you dare! I’m not so short of offers that I have to rely on you to find me a husband, Johnny Rawdon!’
Johnny shrugged his shoulders and appeared to give up the idea. But Lexi was so worried that he might say something, however harmless, that she began to adopt a much cooler manner towards Richard. Richard was hers, but she was determined that he must come to her of his own free will because he had discovered that he loved her—not because of any nonsense about duty or obliging an old friend.
So though they frequently danced together when they met at the many balls and routs during that glittering Season, though she even went for the occasional ride in the Park with him, she was careful to refuse more of his invitations than she accepted. It was very hard. With every day that passed she fell more in love with him. Even in a crowded ballroom, dancing a formal dance with the rest of the world looking on, she felt a secret harmony between them, which no other man could ever begin to match. The world saw and respected Richard as the heir to an old and wealthy family, a distinguished soldier, a man of honour. But Lexi knew that part of him which the rest of the world did not see, hidden as it was behind his air of aloof courtesy—his wry sense of humour, his compassion, and his vulnerability. And the more she loved him for it all, the harder she worked to hide the fact.
One warm evening Johnny took them all out to Vauxhall Gardens. Lady Wroxford was content to sit in one of the booths, gossiping with her friends, and she made no objection when Richard took Lexi off for a set of dances. But then, instead of joining the dancers, he asked Lexi if she would prefer to walk about the gardens for a few minutes instead. The evening was warm and the dance floor crowded. A few minutes in the peace of the gardens with Richard was very tempting, so Lexi gave way and they walked in silence along the lamplit paths for a minute or two. Then he stopped and said quietly,
‘Have I done something wrong, Alexandra?’
‘Wrong?’ Lexi turned an astonished face towards him. ‘This evening? Of course not!’
‘Not this evening. But…’ he hesitated ‘…in general.’
Lexi grew cautious. ‘What makes you think that?’
‘You seem to have changed. Recently I have the impression that you are…wary, in a way you never were before I went into the Army.’
Lexi bit her lip. ‘We’re both older, Richard…’ she said slowly.
‘But we’re surely still friends? Shouldn’t the past still count for something? Do you know, in Spain, at night, after a hard day’s fighting, I used to lie and look at the stars, and think about the days at Rawdon when we were children. The pictures I conjured up then helped to keep me sane amongst all that blood and noise and killing. You were always part of them. I used to imagine the way you looked, remembered your laughter, the way you had of wrinkling up your nose, that mane of hair, which was always getting in the way—’ He broke off.
This was so unlike his usual tone that Lexi was at a loss to know what to reply. She said somewhat abruptly, ‘Lady Wroxford thinks I should have it cut.’
‘No!’ Then, seeing her surprise at the force with which he had spoken, he went on more calmly, ‘No. Don’t give in to her, Alexandra. Your hair is one of the things that make you…special.’
The old Lexi would have instantly demanded how and why, and what else made her special to him. But now, though the colour rose in her cheeks, she suppressed the frisson of delight at his words and said with a cool smile, ‘Come, sir! You mustn’t flatter me! Spain must surely have been full of raven-haired señoritas only too willing to comfort you all! I don’t suppose for a moment that you very often thought of your friends in England, not even the copper-haired ones!’
‘I wasn’t intending to flatter! Damn it, that’s what I meant a moment ago! The cool smile, the remark meant to put me off. Why are you treating me as distantly as you do all the others? Surely our old friendship deserves more?’
Lexi said with some feeling, ‘But this is not Somerset, nor are we children any longer. You may still regard me as your little sister, but that isn’t the way Society sees us!’
‘Has Lady Wroxford been talking to you?’
‘Yes, she has. But she said nothing I could disagree with. I have no wish to be the subject of conjecture and gossip.’
‘Gossip?’
‘Yes, Richard! Gossip!’ said Lexi sharply, losing her patience. ‘Surprising as it may seem to you, the world sees me as a young woman of marriageable age who, unless she wishes to set tongues wagging, should not spend too much time alone with one of London’s most eligible bachelors! As I am doing at the moment. And since gossip is the last thing I wish for, I think we should return to my godmother. She will be wondering in any case what has happened to me.’
She started to walk away, but he took her hand and pulled her back. She stumbled and fell against him. His arm went round her and he pulled her closer, his eyes holding hers. A shiver of delight ran down her spine, but she managed to say fiercely,
‘Are these Spanish ways, Richard? Let me go!’
‘Not yet. And they’re very old English ways, my love.’ He bent his head and kissed her.
Since the episode by the stile four years before, Lexi had often imagined what it would be like to be kissed by Richard. But nothing had prepared her for this. She felt as if she was suspended in space; her heart was hammering, the blood rushing through her veins to every inch of her body. ‘R…Richard?’ she said, her voice a mere breath. He laughed and kissed her again, this time more deeply. The kiss went on and on until she thought she would die with the pleasure of it. He held her so tightly, his arms cradling her against him so closely, that she was made aware of his manhood, the strength of his desire, and for a brief moment she responded tumultuously to the new and previously unknown feelings it aroused in her. She put her arms round his neck and held his lips to hers, inviting further caresses….
The sound of laughter nearby brought her suddenly and cruelly to her senses. Full of horrified shame, she wrenched herself out of Richard’s arms and tried to escape, but her legs refused to carry her more than a step or two. She stood with her back towards him, fighting for control.
