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To Alex
Subject Mr. Sex God (puke puke gag vomit)
She sounds like a giraffe. I’m sure she is a really nice person (not!). Have you even said hello to her or has your future wife yet to acknowledge your existence? (Apart from handing you memos to photocopy, of course.)
You have an instant message from: ALEX.
Alex: Hey there, Rosie, got some news for you.
Rosie: Leave me alone, please. I’m trying to concentrate on what Mr. Simpson is saying.
Alex: Hmmm wonder why … could it be those beautiful big blue eyes all you girls are always going on about?
Rosie: Nope, I have a great and growing interest in Excel. It’s so exciting – I could just sit in and do it all weekend.
Alex: Oh, you’re turning into such a bore.
Rosie: I WAS JOKING, YOU IDIOT! I hate this crap. I think my brain is turning to mush from listening to him. But go away anyway.
Alex: Do you not wanna hear my news?
Rosie: Nope.
Alex: Well, I’m telling you anyway.
Rosie: OK, what’s the big exciting news?
Alex: Well, you can eat your words, my friend, because virgin boy is no longer.
Alex: Hello?
Alex: You still there?
Alex: Rosie, c’mon, stop messing!
Rosie: Sorry, I seem to have fallen off my chair and knocked myself out. I had an awful dream you said you are no longer virgin boy.
Alex: No dream.
Rosie: I suppose that means you won’t be wearing your underwear over those tights any more.
Alex: I have no need for underwear at all now.
Rosie: Uuuugh! So who’s the unlucky girl? Please don’t say Bethany please don’t say Bethany …
Alex: Tough shit. It’s Bethany.
Alex: Hello?
Alex: Rosie?
Rosie: What?
Alex: Well?
Rosie: Well what?
Alex: Well say something.
Rosie: I really don’t know what you want me to say, Alex. I think you need to get yourself some male friends because I’m not gonna slap you on the back and ask for gory details.
Alex: Just tell me what you think.
Rosie: To be honest, from what I hear about her, I think she’s a slut.
Alex: Oh, come on, you don’t even no the girl, you’ve never even met her. You call anyone who sleeps with anyone a slut.
Rosie: I’ve seen her around and, eh, SLIGHT exaggeration there, Alex. I call people who sleep with different people every day of the week sluts.
Alex: You no that’s not true.
Rosie: You keep spelling KNOW wrong. It’s KNOW not NO.
Alex: Shut up with the ‘know’ thing. You’ve been going on about that since we were about five!
Rosie: Yeah, exactly, so you think you would listen by now.
Alex: Oh forget I said anything.
Rosie: Oh, Alex, I’m just worried about you. I know you really like her, and all I’m saying is that she’s not a one-man kind of girl.
Alex: Well, she is now.
Rosie: Are you two going out with each other?!
Alex: Yes.
Rosie: YES?????
Alex: You sound surprised.
Rosie: I just didn’t think Bethany went out with people, I thought she just slept with them.
Rosie: Alex?
Rosie: OK, OK, I’m sorry.
Alex: Rosie, you need to stop doing that.
Rosie: I no I do.
Alex: Ha ha.
Mr. Simpson: You two, get down to the principal’s office now.
Rosie: WHAT??? OH, SIR, PLEASE, I WAS LISTENING TO YOU!
Mr. Simpson: Rosie, I haven’t spoken for the last fifteen minutes. You are supposed to be working on an assignment now.
Rosie: Oh. Well, it’s not my fault. Alex is an awful influence on me. He just never lets me concentrate on my school work.
Alex: I just had something really important to tell Rosie and it just couldn’t wait.
Mr. Simpson: So I see, Alex. Congratulations.
Alex: Eh … how do you know what it was?
Mr. Simpson: I think you two would find it interesting sometimes if you listen to me every now and again. You can really learn some useful tips, like how to keep an instant message private so everyone else can’t see.
Alex: Are you telling me other people in the class can read this?
Mr. Simpson: Yes I am.
Alex: Oh my God.
Rosie: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Mr. Simpson: Rosie!
Rosie: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Mr. Simpson: ROSIE!!!
Rosie: Yes, sir.
Mr. Simpson: Get out of the class now.
Alex: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Mr. Simpson: You too, Alex.
Chapter 3 (#u2079123f-3e11-5fc6-a223-e2cf8ca4a3e9)
From Rosie
To Alex
Subject Julie’s house party
Hiya, long time no see … I hope they’re not working you to death down there at ‘the office’. I’ve hardly seen you at all this summer. There’s a party at Julie’s house tonight so was just wondering if you wanted to go. I don’t really want to go on my own. Anyway, I’m sure you’re busy doing whatever it is you do so just ring me when you get a chance or email me back.
From Alex
To Rosie
Subject Re: Julie’s house party
Rosie, this is just quick email. Real busy. Can’t go out tonight, promised Bethany would go to cinema. Sorry! You go and have fun.
Rosie, hello from Portugal! Weather here really hot. Dad got sunstroke and all Mum does is lie by the pool, which is really boring. Not much people here my age. Hotel quiet (on front of postcard) and it’s right on the beach, as you can see. You would love to work here! I’m bringing home a collection of those little shampoos and shower caps and stuff that you love. The bathrobe is too big to fit into my bag. See you when I get back. Alex
From Rosie
To Alex
Subject Catching up?
How was the holiday? Haven’t heard from you since you’ve been back. Fancy going out tonight to catch up?
From Alex
To Rosie
Subject Re: Catching up?
Sorry have been so busy since I got back. Got you pressie. Can’t go out tonight but will drop your pressie by before I head out.
From Rosie
To Alex
Subject Re: Catching up?
Didn’t see you last night. I want my little shampoos, ha ha.
From Alex
To Rosie
Subject Re: Catching up?
Heading to Donegal for the weekend. Beth’s parents have a little ‘hideaway’ there. Will drop your pressie by when I get back.
To the most inconsiderate asshole of a friend
I’m writing you this letter because I know that if I say what I have to say to your face I will probably punch you.
I don’t know you any more. I don’t see you any more. All I get is a quick text or a rushed email from you every few days. I know you are busy and I know you have Bethany, but hello? I’m supposed to be your best friend.
