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“You know the old crumb[29 -
– старый крохобор], then?” I said, rather surprised. It’s a small world.[30 -
– Мир тесен.]
“Yes, I know him. He’s a friend of Tom’s. They both collect old silver and snarl at one another like wolves about it all the time. We had him staying at Brinkley[31 - Brinkley – Бринкли] last month. And would you care to hear how he repaid me for all the loving care I lavished on him while he was my guest? Behind my back he tried to steal Anatole!”
“No!”
“That’s what he did. Fortunately, Anatole proved staunch—after I had doubled his wages.”
“Double them again,” I said earnestly. “Keep on doubling them. Pour out money like water rather than lose that superb master of the roasts and hashes.”
I was visibly affected.
“Yes,” said Aunt Dahlia, “Sir Watkyn Bassett is a swindler. You had better warn Spink-Bottle to watch out on the wedding day. The slightest relaxation of vigilance, and the old man will probably steal his wedding ring. And now push off. Oh, and give this to Jeeves, when you see him. It’s the “Husbands’ Corner” article. It’s about men’s trousers, and I’d like him to read it. For all I know, it may be Red propaganda. And I can rely on you not to bungle that job? Tell me in your own words what it is you’re supposed to do.”
“Go to antique shop—”
“—in the Brompton Road—”
“—in, as you say, the Brompton Road. Ask to see cow-creamer—”
“—and sneer. Right. Go away. The door is behind you.”
It was with a light heart that I went out into the street and caught a cab. I was conscious only of pleasure at the thought that I had it in my power to perform this little act of kindness. Scratch Bertram Wooster[32 - Bertram Wooster – Бертрам Вустер], I often say, and you find a Boy Scout[33 - Boy Scout – бой-скаут].
The antique shop in the Brompton Road proved to be an antique shop in the Brompton Road and, like all antique shops, dingy outside and dark and smelly within. I don’t know why it is, but the proprietors of these establishments always seem to be cooking some food in the back room.
“I say,” I began, entering; then paused as I perceived that the man was attending to two other customers.
“Oh, sorry,” I was about to add, when the words froze on my lips.
In spite of the poor light I was able to note that the smaller and elder of these two customers was no stranger to me. It was old Pop Bassett in person. Himself. Not a picture. But I stood firm. After all, I had paid my debt to Society and had nothing to fear from this swindler. So I remained where I was.
He turned and shot a quick look at me, and then he had been peering at me sideways. It was only a question of time, I felt, before he would realize that the figure leaning on its umbrella was an old acquaintance. And he came across to where I stood.
“Hallo, hallo,” he said. “I know you, young man. I never forget a face. You came up before me once.” I bowed slightly. “But not twice. Good! Learned your lesson, eh? Going straight now? Good. Now, let me see, what was it? Don’t tell me. Of course, yes. Bag-snatching[34 - bag-snatching – воровство сумок].”
“No, no. It was—”
“Bag-snatching,” he repeated firmly. “I remember it distinctly. Still, it’s all past, eh? We live a new life, don’t we? Splendid. Roderick[35 - Roderick – Родерик], come over here. This is most interesting.”
His friends, who had been examining a salver, put it down and joined us. He was about seven feet in height, and about six feet across, he caught the eye and arrested it. It was as if Nature had intended to make a gorilla, and had changed its mind at the last moment.
His gaze was keen and piercing. I don’t know if you have even seen those pictures in the papers of Dictators with blazing eyes, inflaming the populace with fiery words, but that was what he reminded me of.
“Roderick,” said old Bassett, “I want you to meet this fellow. Here is a case which illustrates exactly what I have so often said—that prison life does not degrade, that it does not warp the character and prevent a man rising on stepping-stones of his dead self to higher things.”
I recognized the gag—one of Jeeves’s—and wondered where he could have heard it.
“Look at this chap. I gave him three months not long ago for snatching bags at railway stations, and it is quite evident that his term in jail has had the most excellent effect on him. He has reformed.”
“Oh, yes?” said the Dictator. I didn’t like the way he spoke. He was looking at me with a nasty sort of supercilious expression.
“What makes you think he has reformed?”
“Of course he has reformed. Look at him. Well groomed, well dressed, a decent member of Society. What his present walk in life is, I do not know, but it is perfectly obvious that he is no longer stealing bags. What are you doing now, young man?”
“Stealing umbrellas, apparently,” said the Dictator. “I notice he’s got yours.”
I was going to deny the accusation hotly—I had, indeed, already opened my lips to do so—when I remembered that I had come out without my umbrella, and yet here I was, beyond any question of doubt, had one! What had caused me to take up the one that had been leaning against a seventeenth-century chair, I cannot say, unless it was the primeval instinct which makes a man without an umbrella reach out for the nearest one in sight, like a flower groping toward the sun.
“I say, I’m most frightfully sorry.”
Old Bassett said he was, too, sorry and disappointed. He said it was this sort of thing that made a man sick at heart. The Dictator asked if he should call a policeman, and old Bassett’s eyes gleamed for a moment. A magistrate loves the idea of calling policemen. It’s like a tiger tasting blood. But he shook his head.
“No, Roderick. I couldn’t. Not today—the happiest day of my life.”
The Dictator pursed his lips, as if feeling that the better the day, the better the deed.
“But listen,” I said, “it was a mistake.”
“Ha!” said the Dictator. “I thought that umbrella was mine.”
“That,” said old Bassett, “is the fundamental trouble with you, my man. You are totally unable to distinguish between mine and yours. Well, I am not going to have you arrested this time, but I advise you to be very careful. Come, Roderick.”
They went out, the Dictator pausing at the door to give me another look and say “Ha!” again. The proprietor of the shop emerged from the inner room, accompanied by a rich smell of stew, and enquired what he could do for me. I said that I knew that he had an eighteenth-century cow-creamer for sale.
He shook his head.
“You’re too late. It’s promised to a customer.”
“Name of Travers?”
“Ah.”
“Then that’s all right. That Travers is my uncle. He sent me here to have a look at the thing. So dig it out, will you? I expect it’s rotten.”
“It’s a beautiful cow-creamer.”
“Ha!” I said, “That’s what you think. We shall see.”
It was a silver cow. But when I say “cow”, don’t think about some decent, self-respecting animal such as you may observe loading grass into itself in the nearest meadow. This was a sinister, leering, underworld sort of animal. It was about four inches high and six long. Its back opened on a hinge[36 -
– на петлях]. Its tail was arched, so that the tip touched the spine—thus, I suppose, affording a handle for the creamlover to grasp. The sight of it seemed to take me into a different and dreadful world.
It was, consequently, an easy task for me to carry out the programme indicated by Aunt Dahlia. I curled the lip and clicked the tongue, all in one movement. I also drew in the breath sharply.
“Oh, tut, tut, tut!” I said, “Oh, dear, dear, dear! Oh, no, no, no, no, no! I don’t think much of this,” I said, curling and clicking freely. “All wrong.”
“All wrong?”
“All wrong. Modern Dutch.”
“Modern Dutch? What do you mean, Modern Dutch? It’s eighteenth-century English. Look at the hallmark.”
“I can’t see any hallmark.”
“Are you blind? Here, take it outside in the street. It’s lighter there.”
“Right,” I said, and started for the door, like a connoisseur a bit bored at having his time wasted. I had only taken a couple of steps when I tripped over[37 - tripped over – споткнулся о] the cat, and shot out of the door like someone wanted by the police. The cow-creamer flew from my hands, and it was a lucky thing that I happened to barge into a fellow citizen outside. Well, not absolutely lucky, as a matter of fact, for it turned out to be Sir Watkyn Bassett. He stood there goggling at me with horror and indignation behind the pince-nez. First, bag-snatching; then umbrella-pinching; and now this. It was the last straw[38 - the last straw – последняя капля].
“Call a policeman, Roderick!” he cried.
The Dictator bawled: “Police!”
“Police!” yipped old Bassett, up in the tenor clef.
“Police!” roared the Dictator, taking the bass. And a moment later something large loomed up in the fog and said: “What’s all this?”
Well, I didn’t want to stick around and explain. I picked up the feet and was gone like the wind. A voice shouted “Stop!” but of course I didn’t. I legged it down byways and along side streets, and eventually fetched up somewhere in the neighbourhood of Sloane Square[39 - Sloane Square – Слоун-сквер]. There I got aboard a cab and started back to civilization.
My original intention was to drive to the Drones and get a bite of lunch there, but I hadn’t gone far when I realized that I wasn’t equal to it. Changing my strategy, I told the man to take me to the nearest Turkish bath.
I returned to the flat late. It was, indeed, practically with a merry tra-la-la on my lips that I made for the sitting room. And the next I saw a pile of telegrams on the table.
Two
I had had the idea at first glance that there were about twenty of the telegrams, but a closer scrutiny revealed only three. They all bore the same signature. They ran as follows:
The first:
Wooster, Berkeley Mansions, Berkeley Square[40 - Berkeley Square – Беркли-сквер], London.
Come immediately. Serious rift Madeline and self[41 - Serious rift Madeline and self. – Серьёзно поссорился с Медлин.]. Reply.
Gussie
The second:
Surprised receive no answer my telegram saying Come immediately serious rift Madeline and self. Reply.
Gussie
And the third:
I say, Bertie, why don’t you answer my telegrams? Sent you two today saying Come immediately serious rift Madeline and self. Unless you come earliest possible moment prepared lend every effort effect reconciliation[42 - unless you come earliest possible moment prepared lend every effort effect reconciliation – если ты не прибудешь как можно раньше и не помиришь нас], wedding will be broken off. Reply.
Gussie
Something had whispered to me on seeing those envelopes that here we had a big trouble, and here we had.
The sound of the familiar footsteps had brought Jeeves. A glance was enough to tell him that all was not well with the employer.
“Are you ill, sir?” he enquired solicitously.
I sank into a chair.
“Not ill, Jeeves, but I am going to die. Read these.”
He read the telegrams.
“Most disturbing, sir.” His voice was grave. I could see that he hadn’t missed the gist. The sinister idea of those telegrams was as clear to him as it was to me. There was no need to explain to him why I now lighted a cigarette with a visible effort.
“What do you suppose has happened, Jeeves?”
“It is difficult to hazard a conjecture, sir.”
“The wedding may be scratched, he says. Why? That is what I ask myself. ”
“Yes, sir.”
“And I have no doubt that that is what you ask yourself?”
“Yes, sir.”
“A difficult case, Jeeves.”
“Extremely difficult, sir.”
“What shall I do, Jeeves?”
“I think it would be best to proceed to Totleigh Towers, sir.”
“But how can I? Old Bassett would drive me out the moment I arrived.”
“Possibly if you were to telegraph to Mr. Fink-Nottle, sir, explaining your difficulty, he might have some solution to suggest.”
This seemed reasonable. I hastened out to the post office, and wired as follows:
Fink-Nottle, Totleigh Towers,
Totleigh-in-the-Wold[43 - Totleigh-in-the-Wold – Тотли-на-нагорье].
Yes, that’s all very well. You say come here immediately, but how can I? You don’t understand relations between Pop Bassett and myself. He would not say “welcome” to Bertram. What is to be done? What has happened? Why serious rift? What serious rift? How do you mean wedding broken off? What have you been doing to the girl? Reply.
Bertie
