скачать книгу бесплатно
“What problem?”
“Why, you idiot, my uncle, of course. What do you think my uncle’s going to say to all this? If I tell him about the marriage, he’d die at once.”
“One of these emotional guys, eh?”
“He needs to be prepared to receive the news. But how?”
“Ah!”
“You see, I’m dependent on my uncle. So tell Jeeves the case. Tell him my future is in his hands, and that, if the wedding bells ring out, he can rely on me, even unto half my kingdom. Well, ten pounds. So, will he help me for ten pounds?”
“Undoubtedly,” I said.
I wasn’t surprised that Bingo wanted to tell Jeeves his private affairs like this. It was the first thing I would do myself. As I have observed, Jeeves is full of bright ideas. If anybody could fix things for poor old Bingo, he could.
I stated the case to him[20 - stated the case to him – изложил ему дело] that night after dinner.
“Jeeves.”
“Sir?”
“Are you busy just now?”
“No, sir.”
“I mean, not doing anything in particular?”
“No, sir. Usually at this hour I read useful books; but, if you desire my services, this can easily be postponed.”
“Well, I want your advice. It’s about Mr Little.”
“Young Mr Little, sir, or the elder Mr Little, his uncle, who lives in Pounceby Gardens[21 - Pounceby Gardens – Паунсби Гарденз]?”
Jeeves seemed to know everything. Amazing. I’d known Bingo practically all my life, and yet I didn’t know where his uncle lived.
“How did you know he lived in Pounceby Gardens?” I said.
“I know the elder Mr Little’s cook, sir.”
“Do you mean you’re engaged?”
“It may be said, sir.”
“Well, well!”
“She is a remarkably excellent cook, sir,” said Jeeves, as though he had to give some explanation. “What was it you wished to ask me about Mr Little?”
I gave him the details.
“And that’s it, Jeeves,” I said. “I think we must help poor old Bingo. Tell me about old Mr Little. What sort of a man is he?”
“A somewhat curious character, sir. He retired from business and became a great recluse, and now devotes himself almost entirely to the pleasures of the table.”
“Greedy, you mean?”
“I would not, perhaps, take the liberty of describing him in precisely those terms, sir. He is what is usually called a gourmet. Very particular about what he eats, and for that reason values Miss Watson’s services.”
“The cook?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Well, it seems to me that our best plan would be to tell him everything after dinner one night. He will be in a good mood, and all that.”
“The difficulty is, sir, that at the moment Mr Little is on a diet, because of an attack of gout.”
“Things begin to look badly.”
“No, sir, I think that the elder Mr Little’s misfortune may be turned to the younger Mr Little’s advantage. Yesterday I was speaking to Mr Little’s valet, and he was telling me that it has become his duty to read to Mr Little in the evenings. If I were in your place, sir, I should send young Mr Little to read to his uncle.”
“Nephew’s devotion, you mean? The old man will be touched, right?”
“Partly that[22 - partly that – отчасти], sir. But I would rely more on young Mr Little’s choice of literature.”
“That’s no good. Bingo is a good fellow, but when it conies to literature he stops at the Sporting Times[23 - Sporting Times – «Спортивные ведомости»].”
“That difficulty may be overcome. I would be happy to select books for Mr Little to read. Perhaps I might explain my idea a little further.”
“I can’t say I quite understand.”
“The method which I advocate is what, I believe, they call Direct Suggestion[24 - Direct Suggestion – непосредственное внушение], sir. You may have had experience of the system?”
“You mean they keep on telling you that some soap or other is the best, and after a while you come under the influence and buy twenty pieces?”
“Exactly, sir. The same method was the basis of all the most valuable propaganda during the recent war. I see no reason why it should not be adopted by us to get the desired result with regard to the subject’s views on class distinctions[25 - class distinctions – классовое неравенство]. If young Mr Little reads day after day to his uncle a series of stories in which marriage with young persons of an inferior social status was appropriate and admirable, I think it will prepare the elder Mr Little’s mind for the reception of the information that his nephew wishes to marry a waitress in a tea-shop.”
“Are there any books of that sort nowadays? The only ones I ever see mentioned in the papers are about married couples who hate each other.”
“Yes, sir, there are some. You have never read All for Love, by Rosie M. Banks[26 - Rosie M. Banks – Рози М.Бэнкс]?”
“No.”
“Nor, A Red, Red Summer, by the same author?”
“No.”
“I have an aunt, sir, who owns an almost complete set of Rosie M. Banks. I could easily borrow as many volumes as young Mr Little might require.”
“Well, it’s worth trying.”
“I should certainly recommend the scheme, sir.”
“All right, then. Go to your aunt tomorrow and grab a couple of the best stories. We shall try.”
“Precisely, sir.”
2
No Wedding Bells for Bingo
Bingo reported three days later that Rosie M. Banks worked well. At the beginning, Old Little was not happy with the change of literary diet; but Bingo had read him Chapter One of All for Love and after everything went well. They had finished A Red, Red Summer Rose, Madcap Myrtle[27 - Madcap Myrtle – «Сумасбродка Миртл»] and Only a Factory Girl, and were reading The Courtship of Lord Strathmorlick[28 - Strathmorlick – Стартморлик].
Bingo told me all this in a husky voice. The only thing to complain was his throat which was beginning to show signs of cracking under the strain. He was looking his symptoms in a medical dictionary, and he thought he had got “clergyman’s throat[29 - clergyman's throat – воспаление голосовых связок].” But I was not sorry for him, because his aim was near, and also after the evening’s reading he always stayed on to dinner; and the dinners, as he told me, by old Little’s cook were excellent. There were tears in his eyes when he was talking about the clear soup[30 - clear soup – бульон].
Old Little wasn’t able to take part in these banquets, but Bingo said that he came to the table and had his arrowroot[31 - arrowroot – аррорут (крахмал, изготовленный из маранты, тропического растения из Южной Америки)], and sniffed the dishes, and told stories of entrées[32 - entrées – первые блюда (франц.)] he had had in the past. Anyhow, things seemed to be quite wonderful, and Bingo said he had got an idea. He wouldn’t tell me what it was.
“We make progress, Jeeves,” I said.
“That is very satisfactory, sir.”
“Mr Little tells me that when he came to the big scene[33 - big scene – главный эпизод] in Only a Factory Girl, his uncle was crying like a baby.”
“Indeed, sir?”
“Where Lord Claude[34 - Claude – Клод] takes the girl in his arms, you know, and says—”
“I am familiar with the passage, sir. It is distinctly moving. It is my aunt’s favourite scene.”
“I think we’re on the right track.”
“It seems so, sir.”
“In fact, this looks like another success of yours. I’ve always said, and I always shall say, that you are a sage, Jeeves. All the other great thinkers of the age are nothing.”
“Thank you very much, sir. You can always rely on me.”
About a week after this, Bingo told the news that his uncle’s gout had ceased to trouble him, and that he would be back at the table with a knife and a fork as before.
“And, by the way,” said Bingo, “he wants you to lunch with him tomorrow.”
“Me? Why me? He doesn’t know I exist.”
“Oh, yes, he does. I’ve told him about you.”
“What have you told him?”
“Oh, various things. Anyhow, he wants to meet you. And take my tip, you’ll go! I think the lunch tomorrow will be something special.”
I don’t know why it was, but Bingo’s words sounded strange.
“There is something strange in it,” I said. “Why should your uncle ask a fellow to lunch whom he’s never seen?”
“My dear old fathead, haven’t I just said that I’ve been telling him all about you—that you’re my best friend—at school together, and all that sort of thing?”
“So what? Why do want me to come?”
Bingo hesitated for a moment.
“Well, I told you I’d got an idea. This is it. I want you to tell him the news. I’m not brave enough.”
“What!”
“And you call yourself a friend of mine!”
“Yes, I know; but there are limits.”
“Bertie,” said Bingo, “I saved your life once.”
“When?”
“Didn’t I? It must have been some other fellow, then. Well, anyway, we were studying at school together and all that. You can’t let me down[35 - let me down – бросить меня].”
“Oh, all right,” I said. “But, when you say you are not brave enough, you misjudge yourself. A fellow who—”
“Cheerio![36 - Cheerio! – Пока-пока!]” said young Bingo. “One-thirty tomorrow. Don’t be late.”
I can say that the more I thought about the lunch the less I liked the idea. It was all very well for Bingo to say that I was invited; but what if they would drive me out? However, at one-thirty next day I was at No. 16, Pounceby Gardens, and punched the bell. And half a minute later I was in the drawingroom, shaking hands with the fattest man I have ever seen in my life.
The motto of the Little family was evidently “variety”. Young Bingo is long and thin; but the uncle was like a square.
“Mr Wooster, I am gratified—I am proud—I am honoured.”
“Oh, ah!” I said.
He stepped back a bit.
“You are very young and did so much!”
I couldn’t follow his thought. My family, especially my Aunt Agatha[37 - Aunt Agatha – тётя Агата], have always told me that my existence is a wasted life, and that, since I won the prize at my school for the best collection of wild flowers made during the summer holidays, I haven’t done anything useful at all. I was wondering if he mixed me up with someone else, when the telephone bell rang outside in the hall, and the maid came in to say that I was wanted. I came down, and found it was young Bingo.
“Hallo!” said young Bingo. “So you’ve got there? Good man! I knew I could rely on you. Was my uncle pleased to see you?”
“Absolutely. I can’t understand why.”
“Oh, that’s all right. I just rang up to explain. The fact is, old man, I told him that you were the author of those books I’ve been reading to him.”
“What!”
“Yes, I said that “Rosie M. Banks” was your pen-name[38 - pen-name – псевдоним], and you didn’t want it generally known, because you were a modest man. He’ll listen to you now. A bright idea, right? Well, go on, old lad, and remember that I can’t possibly marry on what I’ve got now. So try to persuade him to give me more money. At least double. Well, that’s that. Cheerio!”
