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‘Really? That must have been inconvenient if you were in a pub with friends and you brushed past it by mistake.’
‘It used to be my party trick.’
Why did I like this man? Arrogant, misogynistic, rude, undoubtedly bright and sexy, and pheromonal and animalistic and, and … Keep focused, Sarah. The guy is an arsehole!
He did more of the wrist-tickling and then asked if I would like to see his little cottage. And meet his cats. And have a drink in one of the pubs which do really good English beer (salivating here).
At three-thirty p.m. we get up and go back to the office. Kiss on both cheeks and he smiles again. I positively squeak with pleasure, floating off back to the office and fourth floor.
Text message:
Thank you for a lovely lunch. You are quite lovely Sarah.
Methinks was that quite lovely as in quite amazingly lovely, or quite as in quite almost OK lovely?
I return message:
1/2
Thank you for a lovely lunch. Wonderful company. Don’t believe your story about the decoration, but am sure the cottage is fab. Can’t wait to stroke your…2/2
..…Cats.
10th October
Text message:
Hello Sarah. We’ve never met but John suggested I get in contact with you as you specialise in recovery. I am working on a project for the Change Management Team and wondered if you could help me. My name is Amanda.
Amanda? Miss Piggy Amanda?
Respond:
Amanda—John’s girlfriend Amanda?
Text message: Yes. Can we meet?
Respond: Yes, when?
Text message: This afternoon.
Er. Right. Didn’t expect this.
Three p.m. Amanda Cruise walked into the office. Beautiful, but then I looked at her legs. John was right about everything, but she looked nothing like Miss Piggy.
‘Hello, I’m Amanda.’
‘Hello, I’m Sarah.’
‘I know. John described you very well.’
‘He described you well too.’ (I was wondering which Muppet I was supposed to look like.)
Amanda sat down and we talked recovery for thirty minutes, twenty minutes more than it deserved, and she said thank you, and I said it was a pleasure, and she asked if I would like to go out for a drink and I said fine (really thinking not a good idea) and then she left as quickly as she came.
WINTER
NOVEMBER
ACTION LIST
Have fun.
Have fun.
Try to enjoy dinner parties.
Avoid dairy and wheat products as Anya has told me I am allergic to loads of things, but mainly dairy and wheat. I can eat lots of trout and carrots and garlic. (I live off it for two days and give up.)
Be nice to Paul.
Go to gym five times a week to work off aggression and frustration.
FIREWORKS
1st November
BANG. I’ve gone nearly a whole month without talking to John or Amanda. Or e-mailing either of them. I’ve been manic handling the conference on crime on the railway. Making sure all the speakers know what they are saying and stick to it and don’t nick each other’s thunder or soundbites or unique selling points. That each has equal time and that their graphs and charts and pie charts are the right colour and everything is correctly spelt.
Then there is the catering. Ninety per cent of those attending are male so they want hot food which is plentiful and there on time. So lots of beef stroganoff—for two hundred. Not easy to do. Plus no gristly bits, which the Head of Publicity has told me about. Lots of bigwigs attending. The sniffer dogs will also be there. They don’t want a crime conference being raided for any reason. It would look silly, somehow.
Getting back to the food. Then there is the salady stuff for the twenty or so token women who want salady stuff—unless they are trying to be macho, in which case they’ll opt for the stroganoff. I almost feel like contacting them and asking them what they will want on the day. It’s winter, so it could be hot for all I know. The weather has been unpredictable so far this year. Like my feelings. Up and down in emotional turmoil.
What am I doing flirting with someone at work when I have this fabulous guy at home? Or at least living fifteen miles from me. OK, we don’t have sex. We haven’t for years. But that’s because he wants to save himself now until we are married. But he hasn’t proposed, and I’m not waiting for ever. But apart from that he is fine. And, oh, yes. He’s quite mean with money. But that’s because he is saving for the future. Supposedly our future. So we have a future. So everything will happen soon. But not now. It’s just that not now has been happening for a long time, and I’m becoming an I-want-it-now girl. And I think, if I asked John nicely, he would give it to me. Paul, alas, would not.
Perhaps the only fireworks I’ll see this month will be the ones on the fifth. Hey ho.
5th November
Fireworks. Party. A friend of Paul’s. All our friends were originally friends of Paul’s. All my friends are still my friends. But not of Paul’s. They don’t like him very much and I don’t think he likes them either. He likes to be around people he knows. It’s just that I find them all so incredibly boring. The interesting ones don’t last. The girlfriends who have some fire to them. Some substance. Don’t last. Well, they last for about six months and then disappear into the never-never land of ‘it wasn’t meant to be’. But I liked those ones. Instead I’m always left with the boring ones who are destined to be together. Attached at the hip. Happily having charted their life and two point five children, they won’t have to say much. So they don’t. Fun fun fun.
Fireworks at a friend’s home. This friend had wanted to build his own house and was doing so in Surrey. He’d bought a plot of land that overlooked a valley but also overlooked a motorway and railway line which on a clear day, you could hear loudly. He talked about his architect a lot. Eight to dinner. Patrick and Peter, twins; Kate, Patrick’s other half; Kelly—Peter’s. Then there was Connor and Shelley—who no one liked and everyone talked about when she left the room. I’d known Shelley from nursery school days, but we’d never swapped toys or anything. She’d moved away, then for some inexplicable reason my parents had moved to where her parents had moved ten years later. And we’d ended up at the same comprehensive. Paul and I had bonded through our mutual loathing of her. It had been over a dinner in Versailles.
Paul was talking about friends.
He mentioned a girl called Shelley who was going out with his best pal Connor.
For some reason I said, ‘Not Shelley Beale?’
‘Yes, Shelley Beale. She’s horrid, isn’t she?’
‘Totally. Even the Sunday School teacher said she probably had three sixes on her head.’
‘Match made in heaven, then.’
Mutual disappreciation society was duly formed. Everyone in the ‘group’ hated her, but I was the only one to be honest enough to be cold. Bullshit was never my forte. Not in personal relationships anyway. But perhaps these days I was kidding myself.
As I stood, waving my sparkler about, listening to Paul pontificate about life and love and stuff, I thought, Fuck, is this it?
Text message:
Hi, there. Are you having fireworks like me today? John
Respond:
Yes, but it’s boring the fuck out of me. How you?
Message received:
1/2
Me fine. Pity you’re bored. Been thinking about you a lot. Amanda has been giving me a hard time about seeing you and contacting you again and she’s a good friend of Medina, so she knows if you call my office. How are your …
2/2
… nipples?
Respond:
Nipples erect and firm. Must be because I’m cold. Anything of yours erect and firm John?
Oops, perhaps I went too far. Perhaps I shouldn’t have said that. Perhaps I should delete all messages received just in case Paul happens to look through at some stage for his loving ‘I am thinking about you’ messages and spots a nipple one.
Message received:
Yes. When can we meet?
Respond:
What’s happening with you and Amanda?
Message received:
She’s moving out next month. She has found her own flat. I helped her look for one.
That was helpful of him.
Message received:
I’m feeling filthy. I wish I could stick my long hard cock in your mouth.
Christ. And I’d thought I was going too far.
Respond:
That’s a bit heavy.
Message received:
Sorry Sarah, I think I’ve sent you a message by mistake. Pierce.
Respond:
Don’t do it again.
I decided to call John rather than risk e-mailing Pierce John’s messages and vice versa. I was just going to ask John how big Amanda’s flat was.
‘John, thought it best we speak rather than texting all the time.’
‘Nice to speak to you, Sarah. When would you like to meet? This Saturday?’
‘I can’t do weekends.’
‘Why not?’
‘Oh, just busy.’
‘With the boyfriend?’
‘No. We’ve split up, actually.’ (Why did I say that? That’s a lie. Why did I say that?)
Bullshit. I know exactly why I said that. Deep water here, babes. Mind you, this could make me less attractive in his eyes. I’m not so unattainable any more. I read it somewhere that men who are womanisers—which I had been told reliably by at least twenty of the men and women I worked with that John was—prefer those women who are otherwise attached. Perhaps this was a good thing. Perhaps he wouldn’t like me so much. That and the fact I was due to leave work soon through voluntary redundancy. So perhaps I told him this to get rid of him. Perhaps.
‘Oh. Well, then, how about Friday?’
‘Fine.’
‘Bye, then.’
‘Bye.’
It would have been almost furtive if I hadn’t kept reminding myself that this guy worked for Rogerson Railways. His name was John Wayne. And the whole idea was totally ridiculous. But that was the fun of it. The sheer surrealism of doing something that everyone I knew would utterly disapprove of. After all, everyone liked Paul. Everyone. Then why didn’t I? I think he’d grown dull. Controlling and dull. He wanted a square and I’m a circle and you can’t change a circle into a square and he was trying really hard. So I wanted a bit of freedom. No marriage vows on the horizon, so, hey, why not. Even if it was with a guy called John Wayne who was a renowned womaniser with a fetish for chocolate cake, cats and English beer.
6th November
Call from Amanda. Could she take me to supper as a thank you for helping her out? OK. When? How about Friday? Er, couldn’t make Friday. How about Thursday, then? Fine. Fine. Bye.
10th November
