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‘Gawain, Pearl is my daughter!’
Gawain’s face went blank. He stared at Pearl. ‘Your daughter? Are you telling me that this baby—Pearl—is yours?’
‘Aye.’ Elise closed her eyes. When she opened them again, Gawain was looking at Pearl as though she’d dropped from the sky.
‘Elise...’ He cleared his throat. ‘This cannot be.’
‘Pearl is my daughter. I won’t be parted from her.’
Gold gleamed as he dropped the sword on to a bedroll. He reached a hand towards Pearl and let it fall back. ‘I thought both babies were Vivienne’s. You let me think they were twins.’
Chapter Three (#ulink_f1179d33-4913-51d6-b0f6-5dde57bc3848)
Elise’s heart banged against her chest, she couldn’t bring herself to answer. Outside, Bruno was gurgling, the sound seemed to be coming from a far distance. Elise could hear her breath, and Gawain’s. And the chink of a metal spoon in a cauldron. She could feel the rise and fall of Pearl’s chest. She could see Gawain’s mind working. Calculating. His gaze did not shift from Pearl.
‘Pearl is your daughter. Yours...’ he paused ‘...and mine?’
‘Yes, my lord.’
‘You told me you were safe.’
‘Safe?’ Elise swallowed. ‘So I believed. As you see, the herbs the apothecary gave me did not work.’
His nostrils flared. He held out his hands for Pearl. ‘May I?’
His face was unreadable as Elise settled Pearl in the crook of his arm. As he stared at his child, a lock of bright hair fell across his forehead. Elise steeled herself not to brush it back. She wasn’t sure how she had expected Gawain to react. He seemed to be taking the news better than she had dared hope. So far.
‘How small she is,’ he murmured. ‘How very delicate.’
As he stood, a tall golden-haired knight taking his first real look at his daughter, Elise felt her eyelids prickle.
Gawain cleared his throat. His eyes were suspiciously moist. ‘My daughter.’ Then he blinked and lifted his head. ‘Our daughter.’ He gave Elise one of those smiles that she remembered from last winter and her heart contracted. ‘She is healthy?’
‘Very much so.’
‘And you?’ His skin darkened. ‘Your confinement? The birth?’
‘I am fine, my lord. Vivienne is feeding Pearl in order that I may focus on my singing. I can’t be at Pearl’s beck and call when I am performing.’
‘I see.’ He resumed his study of Pearl, gently stroking her hair. When he lifted her to rub his nose against his daughter’s cheek, Elise had to bite her knuckle to contain the tears. ‘So this is why you haven’t done much singing?’
‘Yes.’ Chest tight, Elise watched him swallow. She saw the moment his face went hard.
‘You weren’t going to tell me. If I hadn’t seen you at the gate today—’
‘I hadn’t thought to find you in Troyes, my lord.’
His eyes narrowed. ‘You were going to send word to Meaux?’
Guilt shivered through her. She hadn’t intended to tell him. She hadn’t thought to find him here. In truth, she had been doing her best not to think about him at all. She’d been relieved to hear that he’d gone to claim his county. And now here he was in front of her, holding Pearl to his heart, and the realisation of all that she had walked away from at the turn of the year slammed into her. Gawain was a kind man. He was strong enough to be gentle. He was loving. Gawain had offered her not one word of love and yet love—and care—had shown in his every action. But she must remember, he was not hers. He never would be. Gawain was Count of Meaux and she was a nobody.
‘I feel dreadful,’ she murmured.
Their gazes locked.
‘So you should.’
Elise lifted her chin. ‘But now you will understand why I cannot allow you to take Vivienne—and Pearl—to your manor. I won’t be parted from her.’
Pearl shifted in his arms, distracting him. Her eyes opened. ‘Blue,’ he said softly.
‘Most babies have blue eyes when they are small.’ Elise let her hand rest gently on Pearl’s chest. ‘Given that you and I both have dark eyes, it seems likely that hers will change.’
‘Most likely.’ He shook his head thoughtfully. ‘What a miracle she is.’
‘Gawain, you won’t separate us.’
‘Of course not.’
Elise went weak with relief. As Gawain went on staring at Pearl it struck her that it was Gawain who was the miracle. He had accepted Pearl as his child without a murmur. A lesser man might have tried to bluff his way out of admitting fatherhood. He could have accused Elise of sleeping with someone else. Not Gawain. He was angry with her for not telling him sooner, but he simply believed her.
Gawain held the small bundle that was his daughter to his chest and struggled to take command of his thoughts. It wasn’t easy. This revelation—he had a daughter!—had left him reeling. She was so small. So perfect. He had a daughter.
‘When was she born?’
‘A month since, she was a little early.’
He lifted an eyebrow. ‘That apothecary must have given you the wrong herbs.’
Elise’s hand shifted. She gripped his arm. ‘My lord, you need not fear I shall make demands on you in the future. I am able to care for Pearl.’
Gawain looked at the small fingers on his arm and held back a sigh. ‘You will rely on your singing, I suppose.’
The hand was removed and Elise’s eyes sparked. ‘I am quite able to provide for her.’
He let his gaze wander pointedly round the purple pavilion. ‘I never thought a child of mine would be forced to live in a tent.’
Her cheeks went crimson and her chin inched up. ‘Not forced, my lord. I live here by choice.’
‘You love this life.’
‘Love it?’ She looked startled. ‘It is what I am.’
It was a statement that might mean anything. Elise could well love this life. She’d certainly been eager enough to get back to it at the end of last year. Her hasty departure had shown more clearly than words ever could what she thought of him. They had enjoyed each other’s company for a time, but singing was everything to her. Of course, she might also mean that she considered this mendicant life was the only life to which she was suited. A statement that he would have questioned most vigorously last year had she stayed and given the slightest sign that she might one day come to feel something for him.
Gawain’s thoughts were confused. In truth, they had been confused since last winter when he’d found her crying in the palace chapel. Crying over the death of a young man she had only just met. Elise might not know it, but from the first she had commanded Gawain’s loyalty. It was a pity she didn’t feel the same for him. Particularly since loyalty would bind them for eternity. They had a daughter.
‘You have given me a daughter,’ he murmured, heart twisting as he stared at the baby in his arms. Lord, why did this have to happen now of all times? He was no longer free.
He wanted to help them. It was his duty as a father to help them. But this went beyond duty. He wanted to be part of Pearl’s life. He didn’t want Elise or Pearl to vanish in the way Elise had done at the turn of the year.
Yet what could he do? What about Lady Rowena?
‘You weren’t going to tell me,’ Gawain said again.
Elise’s heart ached. Gawain had never looked at her in quite this way, his eyes looked so strange. She could see anger there, held firmly in check. Confusion. Shock and hurt. ‘No.’
She studied him as his dark gaze returned to Pearl. A slight frown creased his brow. Once again she had to check the impulse to touch him.
Taking Pearl from him, Elise fought to keep her voice even. ‘I should like to explain about last winter, my lord.’ She drew in a deep breath, half-expecting him to interrupt. When he said nothing, she continued. ‘As you know by now, I came to Troyes to discover what had happened to my sister.’
Dark eyes watched her. ‘You deceived me then too. You let me think you were simply Countess Isobel’s maidservant.’
‘Have you no brothers, my lord? No sisters?’ Even as Elise asked the question it struck her how little she knew about Gawain. They’d been strangers when they had become lovers. They were strangers today.
‘None.’ He gave a slight smile of acknowledgement. ‘However, I confess that if I did, I might have acted in the same way.’
She nodded vigorously. ‘You would have wanted to know what had happened to them. You would have needed to know if there had been some injustice, a wrong that needed righting.’
‘Aye.’
‘So it was with me, my lord. Gaw...Lord Gawain, the channels you might use—connections, influence—were not open to me. I am truly sorry that I deceived you.’
‘You wanted to gain entry to Ravenshold.’
‘My lord, I am not nobly born. I am not powerful.’ She stared at his belt buckle. ‘I was desperate, my lord.’ She lifted her eyes and hoped that he could see that she was telling the truth. ‘What I am trying to say is that I didn’t come to Troyes with the intention of deceiving you.’
His mouth was wry. ‘You had no plans for seducing one of Count Lucien’s household knights?’
‘The thought never entered my head.’
‘But that is in fact what happened.’
‘Not by design, my lord.’ She found herself staring at his belt buckle again. ‘I...I don’t know how that happened exactly.’
He stepped closer. Dark eyes held her immobile. ‘Allow me to remind you. The evening after the tournament, I heard crying in the palace chapel.’
A warm hand reached out and gently, as gently as it had done then on All Hallows Eve, touched her arm. ‘Geoffrey’s death upset you.’
She nodded. ‘There was so much blood, so much. And the suddenness of it—the injustice. One moment Sir Geoffrey had been vital, alive. He’d been looking forward to taking part in the tourney. And the next...’ Her voice cracked. ‘He was so young, just a boy really.’
Gawain’s chest heaved. ‘Geoffrey’s death pointed out the futility of it all. The pointlessness of life.’
She frowned, wondering if that was what he really thought. ‘That is very cynical.’
‘That is life. We have to make of it what we can.’ He brought his head closer. ‘Geoffrey’s death touched you because of your sister. Her death too was untimely and unjust.’
Elise went still as his deep voice washed over her, confirming that he was not entirely a stranger. Last winter she had seen his compassionate side. She was seeing it again today. This man was more than a warrior. His sensitivity had reached her after the All Hallows Tourney, and it reached her now.
She pressed her lips to Pearl’s forehead. Your father is a good man.
‘My lord, what happened between us—well, I cannot deny that I was sorry to mislead you. I hadn’t known the countess for long and she could have dismissed me at any moment. As one of Count Lucien’s household knights you were ideally placed to help me find my way into Ravenshold.’ Her cheeks scorched. ‘The attraction between us was strong. I...I didn’t mislead you about that, my lord. I could not have become your lover without it. I was strongly drawn to you.’ Elise bit her lip before she confessed that she still was drawn to him—witness that kiss in the town. It was probably just as well Gawain was betrothed to Lady Rowena, because even without his betrothal there could be nothing lasting between them. Elise loved her life as a singer. She would never marry.
He cleared his throat and she saw him glance briefly at her mouth. ‘As I was to you.’
She eased back, and her heart missed a beat—the way he was looking at her mouth! Saints, this was the most awkward conversation of her life. ‘My lord, however it came about, we became lovers. We were intimate with each other several times.’
The fair head dipped, his mouth quirked up at the edges. ‘I have a memory, Elise.’
She felt herself flush and looked away. ‘Gawain, I truly thought I would not conceive. The apothecary swore the herbs he gave me would prevent it. When I knew I was with child I was as surprised as you are.’
‘I very much doubt it.’
His dry tone had her gaze snapping back to meet his. ‘Gawain, you...you wouldn’t try to take her away?’
‘Peace, Elise. I have no intention of separating you from Pearl.’
‘You swear it?’
‘On my father’s soul, I swear it.’
* * *
Elise’s shoulders relaxed and she let out a shuddering sigh. Gawain grimaced. Had she really thought he would take Pearl from her? Every word she uttered condemned him. She didn’t trust him. Last year she hadn’t trusted him enough to bid him farewell, and if he hadn’t returned to Troyes to meet Lady Rowena he doubted she would ever have told him about Pearl.
‘Elise, I shan’t take Pearl from you. However, I would like to acknowledge her.’
Her dark eyes were puzzled. ‘Is that wise? Lady Rowena will surely take exception. And if the marriage has the blessing of the King—you can’t put that at risk.’
‘Lady Rowena must accept it. I will not shirk my responsibility to Pearl. Or to you for that matter.’ Gently, he touched her cheek.
Gawain felt as though he was being torn to shreds. He owed duty to Lady Rowena. He must honour the wishes of his late uncle, who with his aunt, Lady Una, had promoted the betrothal. The match was a good one. Lady Rowena was the King’s goddaughter.
However, that was not the reason why the match was important to Gawain. The match was important because he and his uncle had been estranged for years before his uncle’s death. It had happened during Gawain’s first, ill-fated betrothal to his cousin, Lunette. Tragically, Lunette had died. His uncle had blamed Gawain for Lunette’s death, and the ensuing estrangement had caused a rift in the family. It was a tragedy that had given Gawain many sleepless nights.
Which was why he had jumped at the chance to make amends—he could finally please his widowed aunt by marrying Lady Rowena. He owed it to the family.
And now he was a father, he had a duty to Pearl too. Never mind what he felt for Elise. He ran his fingertips gently over her cheek. So soft. So beguiling. Would she have married him if he were free?
‘Mon Dieu, I wish you had told me sooner. Where was she born? Here in the tent?’
Elise took a step back. ‘That is none of your business, my lord.’
‘Is it not?’ Hurt stabbed like a knife in his guts. She didn’t trust him and he had to admit that was largely his fault. Their loving had been so sweet and tender—it had meant much to him, but he’d been taken aback by the speed at which she’d had him enthralled. He’d mistrusted his own feelings. He hadn’t understood them at the time, save to acknowledge that he couldn’t get enough of her.
He should have told Elise how much he valued her. It had been his fault. Ever since Lunette’s death—he and Lunette had been inseparable as children—Gawain had kept his feelings to himself and women at arm’s length. And sadly, thanks to his recent betrothal, he could say nothing of this today. He was no longer free. He could never tell Elise how important she was to him. Nor could he say that she had been so even before she became the mother of his child. His heart felt as though it had turned to lead.
His gaze fell to the sword on the bedroll and he straightened his shoulders. Torn he might be, but one duty was plain. ‘Elise, you have my word I shall not separate you from Pearl. Equally, I cannot ignore the finding of this sword. Sir Raphael must be told about it. In the meantime I want you and our daughter safely away from here. If you won’t think of yourself, think of Pearl. Is she safe here?’
