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Alexey. You’re telling Fyodor about Galina, your third wife, aren’t you? [Coming up to the table and noticing the broken jug.] Who smashed such a cool jug? Ah! I seem to know the answer.
Venya. It is because of men like you, pampered sticklers for cleanliness, that wives deceive their husbands!
Venya stands up, takes the broken jug, and goes inside. Alexey laughs after him.
Fyodor. Alexey, leave him alone, for Heaven’s sake.
Alexey. Venya is a bungler and loser. It’s a fact.
Fyodor. Veniamin never had luck with women. He is suffering, poor wretch.
Alexey. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.
Fyodor. It’s baloney! Dogs can learn at any age, especially when they are hungry.
Alexey. Have you heard the news? Venya even took a life-couching course.
Fyodor. He asked me to join him too. Positive thinking is in fashion now.
Alexey. These shamanic dances are just like drugs.
Fyodor. Everybody’s got to make a living.
Alexey. Some mysterious forces crank out these smooth-talking shamans who brainwash the common people. They create a temporary illusion of inner peace and self-confidence, get the gullible idiots motivated. They fill the hearts of losers like Venya with joy and their lives with struggles. This irrational joy and faith in the glorious future can later play a dirty trick and make their lives miserable.
Fyodor. Is it even possible that grown men buy into this?
Alexey. The examples are around us! Now our Veniamin dreams of retiring as soon as possible, marrying a rich French madame against all the odds, and traveling around the globe. He even has a French teacher now.
Fyodor. As for me, I don’t have to wait for a miracle or retirement to change my life for the better. And it’s never too late to find love.
Alexey. You, Fyodor, are in a romantic mood today, I see.
Fyodor. Come off it.
Alexey. You haven’t fallen in love at your age, have you?
Fyodor. What next!
Alexey. I saw you a week ago in the city. You were walking together with a young mysterious stranger.
Fyodor. She is my neighbor here. We are just friends.
Alexey. Already?
Fyodor. What do you mean by this «already»?
Alexey. First, you are just neighbors, then lovers, and only after that you’re just friends.
Fyodor. Are you a bloody shrink now?
Pause.
Fyodor. Though… you know, Alexey, I have to admit: For some reason, I am drawn to this woman. She is a doctor in the regional polyclinic, works with special needs children.
Alexey. During my long life, I’ve visited fifty-six countries. I had to talk to lots and lots of people from all the continents. You know, I never tried to understand all of them. It’s easy to «understand» a person. All it takes is to slap a label on him or her once: Coward, scrounger, drunkard, loser, rascal, smarty pants. And everything suddenly becomes clear.
Fyodor. What are you driving at?
Alexey. I have always wanted to see a person. Not to understand. To see. Here’s an observation that I’d like to share with you as my best friend. I believe it is the most important one.
Fyodor. Come on, say it.
Alexey. There is no such thing as unfortunate love since only lack of love can be unfortunate. You can’t be really happy unless you love and are loved in return.
Fyodor. I’m afraid. I’m afraid to lose my loved one again.
Alexey. You can’t bring Lyudmila back. She’s six feet under. But you are here, alive. If you found your love, Fyodor, take it, hold it tight, don’t fritter away your energy.
Fyodor. «I sought my love in the maiden forest. With a mocking singer, I spent the night in a stack…»
Alexey. Take your chance. A million to one chance! Otherwise, you will just become the same embittered loser as Venya.
Fyodor. Veniamin is envious of you as his childhood playmate. You had much greater success in life.
Alexey. Envy is a time bomb. You never know when it’s going to explode. You can never, ever let anybody see that you are successful and happy. People don’t forgive you, especially if they are your childhood playmates. If there’s no escaping, you should lie. At least tell them that you suffer from gastritis or hemorrhoid.
Venya leaves the house, approaches the gazebo.
Venya.[To Alexey.] So you think you are smart? Successful? Rich?
Alexey. What are you doing, you brawler?
Fyodor. Venya, my dear, stop messing around.
Pause.
Venya. Yes, I am a loser.
Alexey. Now there’s a surprise!
Venya. I live with my mom in a two-room apartment.
Alexey. Here we go, the blessed fool is whinging again.
Fyodor. Alexey, stop that!
Venya. Women loathe me. My colleagues despise me. My friends are always laughing at me.
Fyodor. Stop your nonsense, Veniamin, would you? You are a great friend.
Venya. I’m living paycheck to paycheck. I hate my job and count the days till my retirement. I could have become a Doctor of Science!
Alexey. Do it now. Earn some money!
Fyodor. Here we go again.
Alexey. Instead of traipsing around motivation courses, finally take the responsibility for your own life.
Fyodor. Veniamin, whatever man has done, man may do. Someone still has to teach university students.
Venya. Actually, Alexey is right…
Alexey. Well, Veniamin, I’m sorry. I’ve been too hasty. [He comes up to Venya and hugs him.]
Venya. Only fools rely on their present-day superiority. When flood comes the fish eat the ants. But when water dries the ants eat the fish.
Alexey. There’s my dear philosopher, Augustine! I love you so much for that. [He hugs and kisses Venya, the latter tries to kick him off.]
Fyodor. You are just like children, really.
Alexey. Don’t worry, Venya, we will find you a woman. With breasts this big!
Venya. That’s what I love.
Alexey. Did you see the way Natasha’s friend looked at you this morning?
Venya. Oh yes, yes, yes! A gorgeous girl. Oon bell fam!
Fyodor. You are at it again, Don Juans.
Alexey. [To Venya.] What is her name?
Venya. Khlora!
Alexey. A hot little number!
Venya. Do you think it’s her real name?
Alexey. Who cares? She is what you need!
Venya.[Singing in a soft voice.] «I sought my love in the maiden forest.»
Alexey.[Singing along with Venya.] «With a mocking singer, I spent the night in a stack…»
Fyodor. The girls were just kidding! They didn’t want to bother with the tire. So they found us, old fools, to help them put the spare on.
Venya. Hey ho. We should have asked their phone numbers.
Alexey. You’re right, buddy, we failed at that.
Fyodor. They must be enjoying their drinks while sitting in their bungalows on this Sunny Beach. And mocking at you.
Venya. Alexey! Why should you have to let the driver go?
Alexey. Look who woke up, an old ladies’ man.
Pause.
Alexey. Fyodor, is this Sunny Beach far from here?
Fyodor. It’s about twenty kilometers as the crow flies. If you and Venya hit the road now, you’ll get there right in time for dinner. It will make the girls’ day!
Alexey. Funny as a crutch.
Venya. Treh bi-ahn! Ha-ha-ha.
Alexey. And I am telling you that they will come here tonight!
Venya. You got it!
Fyodor. You are nothing but sexual maniacs.
Alexey. They will leave the ride there and come back by taxi. Natasha promised me.
Venya. Fyodor, do you have a razor? I should scrape my chin.
Fyodor. You are handsome just the way you are, Venya.
Alexey. I once knew a woman. She was a teacher at school. And she loved when I moved my unshaven jaw across her back, between the shoulder blades.
Venya. Boy oh boy!
Fyodor. Ugh… spare me the details, gentlemen. [He goes inside.]
Venya. So, Alexey, does it really work with the unshaven jaw?
Alexey. Depends on a girl.
Fyodor comes back with a large bottle of cold beer.
Fyodor. Dear soldiers of the dating front, let me offer you some refreshment. [He pours the beer into the mugs.]
Venya. A cold one!
Fyodor. I wanted to ask you to come hunt with me tomorrow. Shoot a boar maybe. I even took the rifle with me for such an occasion. [The three of them clink their mugs and drink beer.]
Venya. Gosh, it’s so good! And we’ve got our own hunt here.
