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“Verity’s going, so I’ll walk back with her now,” I said, studying his face for some kind of reaction or a little tell.
“Take your coat off, Cara. You haven’t paid for that drink yet, so you’ll have to work it off. Go and get some glasses in.” And then came the wink, the one that let me know I was off the hook, and then a little smile that let me know we were friends again.
“Do you mind if I stay a bit?” I asked Verity.
“Go for it,” she said. “I’d be demanding a lock-in if the kids were at their dad’s tonight. Have fun.”
Verity hugged me and left. After everyone else had gone home and Stubbs had locked up, he poured us both a pint of cider and black. “For old time’s sake, let’s relive our youth,” he said as he came and sat at the other side of the bar with me.
“I’m sorry, Stubbs,” I said and moved a bit closer to him. “I didn’t mean what I said; it just came out wrong. I was just surprised, is all. I didn’t think April would be your type?”
“My type?” he said. “I should be so lucky as to have a type. But it’s all right. You’re probably right, anyway.”
“It’s just how her friends teased us, do you remember?”
“We were just kids, Cara. Anyway, I probably won’t be asking her out because apart from anything else, I wouldn’t even know how to ask a woman out. You know I’ve never asked a woman out in my life?”
“What? Seriously? You must have done. What about Kim at uni?” I was surprised by his admission. Verity was right; perhaps he did just need a bit of confidence.
“Nope,” he said taking a swig of his drink and pulling a face. I wasn’t sure if it was the taste of this once-loved cider and black or his revelation. “It just sort of happened. And she’s the only girlfriend I ever had, so there was never a call for me to ask anyone out.”
“I can’t believe you’ve never asked anyone out! Maybe you ought to try it. Just to see what happens.”
“Yeah? All right then.” He raised an eyebrow, took a breath in and took my hand. “Cara Dunham. Will you please, please, go out with me?” he said.
I had to stop myself from spitting my drink out. After a moment or two when it was touch and go, I managed to swallow it, regain composure and then I burst out laughing. I couldn’t help it. Stubbs pulled his hand away and folded his arms.
“You see, that’s exactly the reaction I would get if I asked a real woman out. You’ve crushed me, Cara. Besides, you’re right. April is fit as. And if you won’t go out with me, there’s no chance she would.”
“Thanks a bloody lot.”
He was now feigning devastation and clutching at his heart. He made me laugh so much. “Okay, what about you then? I saw your face when April mentioned Daniel Rose.”
“Oh I know. I don’t know if I could stand seeing him, Stubbs. It would remind me of how awful things were back then – plus I reckon I’d probably go weak at the knees or something or have a nervous breakdown.” I was cringing just at the thought of it.
“Weird how some people get you like that isn’t it?” said Stubbs.
“I know,” I said laughing. “I can’t help it. Just hearing his name makes me crush all over again like a teenager.”
Stubbs laughed. “Come on then, I’ll walk you back.” He drummed on his thighs to spur himself into action. “I’ll just get my coat and wake Divvy up.”
Stubbs bundled a protesting Divvy into a taxi outside. He paid the driver and gave him Divvy’s address. We walked past a group of teenagers on the way. The boys were full of beer and bravado and one swung from the roof of the bus stop as the girls giggled. The last bus heading out into the nearest city centre arrived and took them all off on an adventure.
“Fancy joining them?” asked Stubbs.
“Nah. Not really dressed for it. Anyway, too many people, all queuing up for half an hour to get served, over-the-top prices. Can’t believe I am actually saying this but I think I prefer the social club,” I said.
“Well, the Broad Hampton social club does have its good points.”
“The staff not being one of them.”
“Right, that’s you barred, Cara.”
“Anyway, you’re not exactly dressed for it are you?” I said pointing to his bingo caller’s uniform.
“So, Daniel then?”
“Yeah, Daniel,” I said. “Are you going to go? Shall we go to the reunion, just to see what it’s like?”
Stubbs shrugged. “Maybe. It might be fun.”
“I’m going to go,” I said. “I have to go. I can’t keep being afraid of what people will think. I’m applying for jobs first thing on Monday. Don’t you ever want to move away again?”
“No, I like it, here.” He was telling the truth; it seemed enough for him. “Like, today, oh listen to this right, we had a right laugh because one of the bingo balls went missing and turned out Jim had it in his pocket all along.” He chuckled to himself.
“Stubbs, that’s quite possibly one of the most boring stories involving a bingo ball I have ever heard.”
Stubbs stopped laughing. “Yeah, it is, I suppose. You had to be there.”
“No, I didn’t,” I said. “I can tell that being there would possibly make it even more boring.”
Stubbs laughed. “Yeah, you’re right. I suppose it was really boring.”
I wondered if Stubbs was having a battered sausage revelation as well.
“You used to want to do so much, Stubbs. So did I. And look at us, still here.”
“Yeah, well things change,” said Stubbs. “And I like working at the club. I like seeing people’s faces when they win. It’s nice; I like making people happy.”
He tilted his head to the side and looked at me quizzically.
“But you’re definitely thinking of leaving again?” he said.
I nodded.
“Reckon you’ll still be here for April’s party?” he said.
“Yeah.” I wasn’t convinced it would be such a good idea. Being the invisible girl at school, I wasn’t sure if anyone would even know who I was. At least Stubbs had an identity of sorts, even if he was the original geek.
“It will be fun,” he said, trying to convince himself.
“Will it?” I said, very much unconvinced, but I didn’t want to miss out this time. “I just don’t want to go and feel like a complete loser with my glorified Saturday job, not having achieved anything.”
“I wouldn’t worry about it,” he said, stopping in the road outside the chippy. He gestured up and down himself. “Look at me, I’m an even bigger loser than you. At least you went out there and tried to make a go of it and you’re thinking of trying again.”
“You could too,” I said.
He shrugged. “Think I’ve missed the boat on that one.”
I felt like Stubbs could begin to do the things he enjoyed again. He was just lacking in confidence. Maybe it was the same for me. I got the impression from a few of the things he’d said that he’d been so busy supporting Kim in her career when he lived away, that he’d slotted into her life down south and there wasn’t much room for Stubbs to flourish. I studied him for a while and he looked distracted like something was troubling him. His face slightly screwed up. I think that’s what your face looks like when you are having a battered sausage revelation.
Stubbs could do whatever he wanted. We both could. We could both have our John Hughes moments, our scene at the end when everything was perfect. And I’d go to April’s stupid ball as well, even though it would be such a hard thing to do. Like Andie in Pretty in Pink, I needed them to know they didn’t break me.
Chapter Four (#ulink_953ff0f8-8e75-5ab5-93c9-59c9b88b7702)
I woke on Sunday feeling like I’d barely slept at all and my head was whizzing with thoughts of school reunions, Daniel Rose and disappointing school discos. I was shattered from too much wine and that vile cider and black. I was convinced I would go straight to sleep, but I lay awake for ages and everything came flooding back as though it was yesterday.
I’d made myself invisible nearly all the way through school, then when Daniel appeared suddenly I didn’t want to be invisible any more. I had tried so hard for no one to ever look my way and Daniel had noticed me anyway. He made me think it would be okay for people to see me.
By the time the Christmas disco came around, Daniel Rose had flirted with and asked out every girl in our class apart from me. I told myself I’d been foolish to think he’d even noticed me, but sometimes I caught him looking over in class and he spoke to me in detention every day. Verity said he was probably waiting to ask me to the disco. She thought he liked me too. We both walked home for weeks, saving up our bus fare so we could buy clothes for the Christmas disco, and I lived in hope that Daniel was going to ask me out. I was fed up of not joining in, not taking these moments for myself.
I walked into the hall where Daniel was standing near the door. I thought he might be about to come over and ask me out. Then I was jostled by one of April’s friends who laughed out loud and then muttered “bag lady” as she walked past. I hadn’t heard it in years and it cut deep. Bag lady. How could she be so cruel? This was the moment I had been waiting for, for Daniel to notice me and ask me out. I felt so vulnerable stood in front of all those people. Tears rolled down my face and I couldn’t speak. Daniel Rose was looking right at me. Was he going to save me from this humiliation with a kind word or a look? He looked down at the floor and walked away. I felt Stubbs pull my hand from behind. I wondered if he had heard the unkind words. I wasn’t sure, but I felt his pull and walked away with him.
The following day there were sniggers again, chattering about me barely out of earshot. I should have known not to draw attention to myself.
After that, I went back to being invisible again. It was easier that way.
*
When April had first invited us to the ball, I knew I had to go. I wanted to prove to everybody that all those years of hiding away meant nothing – that I was just as good as everyone else. I’d spent so long feeling invisible and trying to be average, I felt I’d never really had a chance to shine at anything and I hadn’t found my thing.
All the years of missing out on social activities meant I spent a lot of time at home watching films, experiencing all my important moments watching John Hughes films, not having any of my own. But it wasn’t too late to find out what my thing was.
I dragged myself to the convenience shop on the corner of the High Street, just before midday, to seek out some Sunday lunch. In the shop, I found myself browsing the Pot Noodles – such was my glitzy life. I bizarrely found myself wondering what April would be having for her lunch. Something expensive, most probably. April had made a success of things here in Broad Hampton whereas I couldn’t even make a Sunday lunch. I was pleading with Mr Sidhu because last week, I had made him promise never ever, ever to sell me a Pot Noodle on a Sunday again no matter how hung-over I was and how much I begged.
He folded his arms and shook his head slowly, resolutely. He wasn’t going to budge.
“Just this once,” I said, “then I am quitting.”
“This is the last time,” he said. “You said you were quitting. How about a nice microwave meal instead? Have a look in the freezer. I’ve got some nice frozen chicken dinners for you.”
He gestured to the chest freezer, which was half full of 10p freeze pops and the rest full of boxes covered in so many ice crystals you couldn’t really tell what they were.
I was peering in the freezer when I heard Stubbs.
“You won’t find a Pot Noodle in there, Cara,” he said, laughing. Judging by the grey sweatpants and white vest, I assumed he’d been for a run over the rec.
“Have you really been up at this hour running?” I said.
“It’s nearly lunchtime,” he said.
“Why do you do it though? Running?” I asked as he paid Mr Sidhu for his water.
Stubbs was never really a sporty type at school and here he was dressed just like Emilio Estevez. Perhaps Stubbs was now an athlete and had found his ‘thing’.
He shrugged. “Makes you feel good.”
“You should listen to your friend,” Mr Sidhu said. “Some fresh air, exercise, good food. Just what you need.”
I thanked Mr Sidhu for his unsolicited and unwelcome advice and me and Stubbs made our way out of the shop. But he had a point.
“So would you say it’s like your ‘thing’ now, being an athlete?” Maybe it could be my thing too? Then when I went to the ball, I could tell people how sporty I was and everyone would marvel at my athleticism. I wondered how long it would take for me to fully athleticise. More than a fortnight, I imagined.
“Why do I have to have a ‘thing’?”
“Like in The Breakfast Club,” I said. “It’s what makes them all cool. Can you teach me how to run in a fortnight?”
Stubbs laughed and stopped in his tracks, nearly spitting his water out.
“How did you get to thirty years old and not know how to run? You don’t know how to run! Have you heard yourself?”
“Well, obviously, I could run, but I don’t have special clothes or anything.”
“You are a moron, you know that, don’t you?” he said, grinning.
I gave him a gentle dig in the arm.
“Go on, please, show me how to run. I want to see if I’m an athlete. Maybe I could have been if I’d been able to afford to go to the clubs and buy the kits,” I said.
“Okay, if you really want to know how to run, meet me in the park later. And I will teach you the noble art of putting one foot in front of the other. And maybe how not to be such a moron.”
“I think I could totally do it. Being an athlete would suit me. Like Emilio Estevez in the film. Except not a wrestler because that would be weird, but yeah, you can show me how to do running later.”
He repeated everything back to me, sarcastically. “You want to be an athlete, like Emilio Estevez in the film? And you want me to show you how to do running?”
Now he said it like that, it did sound a bit stupid, but I persisted and pretended it was perfectly normal. “Yes please,” I said. “You can help me because you are good at everything. Even PE.”
Being from our estate hadn’t seemed to hold Stubbs back in exactly the same way it did with me, but I still felt he hadn’t achieved all he could. He’d always seemed to rise above any teasing, laughing it off or batting it back with witty remarks.
“PE?” Stubbs laughed. “Yeah, well, I don’t really call it PE any more, you know. I tend it call it exercise, like normal people do. But okay, whatever, Dunham. I’ll see you later.”
I phoned Verity as soon as I got in.
“I’m going to be an athlete,” I said. “It’s going to be my thing. Stubbs is going to teach me how to run. Want to come?”
“I’d love to but it’s Sunday and I have to watch Frozen four hundred times. Why are you going to be an athlete, by the way?” she said as an afterthought.
“So I don’t look like a loser at the school reunion. It’s part of finding my thing; then I’ll go to the school reunion, Daniel Rose will find me scintillating and magnetic and I’ll have my John Hughes moment and then I can get on with life. It will be a turning point, like in a film.”
“Right. Well I’m glad you’ve sorted that out. You’re going for a run in the park with Stubbs and then your life is going to magically change?”
“Exactly,” I said. Listening to my plan remixed with Verity’s cynical words didn’t make it sound the most convincing, but it seemed as good a place to start as any. Besides I thought it would be fun going to the park with Stubbs. I still wasn’t fully convinced the athlete’s life was for me. Maybe I needed to up my game and rethink my nutrition? I stared at my Pot Noodle on the kitchen worktop and swiped it away into the bin. I was having a Pot Noodle moment to go with the battered sausage revelation.
*
“Are you still hung-over? You’re hung-over, aren’t you?” Stubbs looked like a proper runner, alternately stretching his arms across his back and stretching out his thighs, which I may have by accident had a look at for slightly too long.
“No,” I insisted. I gulped down some water and squinted in the sunlight.
