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‘Enough. That one was by far the most pathetic,’ he stated after she found a particularly tearful advertisement. ‘What is wrong with people? One would think with all of human history at our fingertips we would have realised this love nonsense is a waste of energy. Imagine how much could be achieved if only we applied all that energy to something productive.’
‘I think love can be a great force for good, perhaps the greatest. I do know that love changed my life. My parents didn’t really know how to love me, they were too busy with their concerns, but when I came to live with the Princess when I was ten and she four, I discovered what it was to love and be loved and my life changed utterly. I can’t imagine who I might be today if I hadn’t been so lucky.’
‘I’m glad for you, but that kind of love is different.’
‘How? Love is just love. It is caring for another person, sometimes more than you do for yourself. It is wanting that person to be happy, feeling their pain, wanting to understand them and wanting them to understand you. How is it different?’
‘Because what you are describing is not what people mistake for love between men and women, but affection between siblings or a mother’s love for her child. At least I presume it is. My own parents were sadly deficient on that front, though to give my father credit he meant well—he was just so sanctimonious. But I think I can understand a little of what you described—when I was ten my father remarried a lovely woman who did her best to make up for both my parents’ deficiencies.’
‘Did she succeed?’
He smiled and warmth spilled through her. Love. Perhaps this was an answer, too. It was different.
‘Up to a point. From that point she did something even better, she gave birth to my sisters. I was also ten when this happened and it changed my life, so I think I can understand what you mean. What was wrong with your parents?’
‘Perhaps there was nothing wrong with them. Perhaps the fault was in me.’
‘Good God, no. Trust me on that. What were they like?’
‘My father was a doctor and my mother was very ill and couldn’t tend to me. So I was sent to stay with my uncle and aunt against their will until my mother died and my father came to work at the castle. Coming here saved me. Are your sisters like you?’
His mouth quirked at her change of subject and for a moment she thought he would persist, but then the mocking smile returned.
‘That sounds suspicious. What is like me?’
‘Are they also convinced they are cursed or are they more sensible?’
‘Oh, much more sensible. And since my mother’s side is the bearer of the curse, they don’t have to carry that particular burden. They aren’t like me in the least; they both take after their mother, thank goodness.’
‘Do they share your belief that you are cursed?’
He hesitated.
‘For the moment they are too young and sheltered to think I am anything but their big brother. Hopefully they won’t despise me too much when the scales fall from their eyes. I admit I resolved to despise them when they were born, but I held out for about three minutes from the moment I set eyes on them. I would certainly do anything for them. On most matters I am distinctly on the sinful side of my joint family tree, but my sisters and my two best friends still manage to bring to the surface whatever of my finer principles remain intact.’
She sighed.
‘I’m envious. I always wished for an older brother. My cousins were brutes so they don’t count and the King is more like an uncle.’
His eyes narrowed.
‘I’d volunteer for the post, but that wouldn’t be quite honest since brotherly feelings aren’t what you evoke in me. Which brings me back to the distinction between the love you described for the Princess and what you might think exists between men and women. Those two are very different in both quantity and quality, believe me.’
Under the veils, the now familiar heat gathered, like steam in a tent. She wanted to rip everything off and bare herself, lies, dreams and everything. She prayed he wouldn’t say the words that would force her to honour her promise to tell the truth. She didn’t want this to end yet, not yet.
The sting of her need made her voice hard. ‘You may be as cynical as you wish, but you don’t know everything.’
‘Hardly, but I have a little more experience on that front than you and your young love.’ His eyes had become stormy grey again, a transformation which always marked the point she felt she was trespassing on something personal.
‘How can you have more experience in something you don’t believe exists?’ she countered and his mouth curved into a reluctant smile.
‘In its fallacy I do. Certainly in the varied shades of relations between men and women. On the strength of that advantage may I give you some advice?’
‘I don’t think I will appreciate it, will I?’
He laughed and the storm grey turned warm and inviting again, sinking her further.
‘Good point. I have had reams of advice flung at me by my father and appreciated none of it. Still, you can do what I do and ignore it. For what it is worth I suggest you never depend on your husband to fulfil all, or even most, of your needs. That is a recipe for disaster. Men are rather useless fellows and tend to buckle under pressure, especially when that pressure is applied by women. Especially by someone like you who is far too strong for their own good and as argumentative as one of those philosophers who lived in a cave or a barrel or wherever. Learn to row your own boat. There, if only you listen to my advice I’d consider my debt paid in full.’
She took a deep breath. She had made a promise after all.
‘I am not married.’
‘Excuse me?’
‘I’m not married. You assumed I was because of the veils.’
‘I assumed... But you said...’
‘I said the veils are bridal veils and they are. The King ordered me to wear them while I tend to you, for my protection. After all, we did not know anything about you. Well, we still don’t since you won’t even tell us your name, but... But I am not married.’
Her hands were clenched so tightly together they hurt. She unclenched and flexed them. There was no need to feel so horrid and guilty and...exposed.
The silence stretched and stretched and stretched and she leapt into that yawning pit.
‘I didn’t mean to lie. Well, I didn’t lie. I just... It seemed easier. Safer. Men respect married women. I can see that on the island. I mean, they wouldn’t go into someone else’s house without being invited and it is just that way with women, right? We are considered property, aren’t we? So even with Yannis outside it seemed safer to allow you to think...’
‘I see. And for some reason you now think it is safe to tell me the truth?’
Her heartbeat thundered like a horse down a mountain, far too fast and stumbling over rocks. She didn’t feel safe. She felt terrified. But not of him.
‘I don’t know, but I promised myself if you mentioned marriage again I would tell the truth. I don’t enjoy lying, not even by omission.’
‘For someone who doesn’t enjoy lying you are very adept at it. Are you quite certain the only reason you didn’t share this minor little detail is because you wished to remain...safe?’
His anger was as cold and hard as a steel rapier being shoved slowly through her lungs.
‘What other reason could there be?’
‘Precisely what I am asking myself. Athena. Is that your name or is that a lie as well?’
‘That is what the King calls me. The Princess calls me Tina for short.’
‘I see how this works. Not a lie, but not quite the truth—rather you offer with one hand while you hide something with the other. You would make a fine cardsharp, or perhaps I should introduce you to Oswald, he would appreciate your skill.’
‘Who is Oswald?’
‘Leading me off the trail again, Athena? If you wish. Oswald is my uncle and the man who sends me on the errands which have left the trail of scars you were admiring.’
‘Was he why you were in Alexandria and why you won’t tell us your name?’
‘If you wished to know my name you only had to ask. My name is Alexander, but my friends call me Alex.’
She knew he was doing precisely what he had accused her of doing—distracting her from her quarry and with an offer empty of any real value, but it worked. Her mind wrapped itself about the sound and colour of his name, her mind filling with its fire. Alex.
‘Alex.’
He breathed in, deep and sharp, and for a moment she surfaced from her internal fog, worrying something had jogged his wound, but as she reached forward instinctively he caught her hand and they froze.
She waited for him to release her wrist, but his hand slid under hers, raising it. A lock of his hair, touched with gold from the afternoon sun streaming in the narrow castle windows, fell over his brow as he leaned forward. It was like a picture from a book—the gallant knight bowing over a maiden’s hand. Until his lips skimmed over the back of her hand and came to rest just above her knuckles. She had once scalded her hand boiling herbs and it had also taken her a shocked second to realise she was in agony and snatch her hand away. She tried to do so now, but he just tightened his clasp.
‘What are you doing?’ Her voice wavered a little and he looked up and she saw danger in his eyes, an intent concentration, like a hawk hovering over a field mouse, wondering whether it was worth the plunge. But his words were almost casual.
‘Thanking you. Is showing gratitude not acceptable on Illiakos?’
‘Not like that.’
‘That’s a pity. Perhaps you should have let the lie lie. You were right your married status was an effective barrier to flirtation. Now there is nothing to stop me from telling you I find myself fantasising about what you look like under that curtain, is there?’
‘You would only be disappointed. I am not in the least remarkable.’
‘I have had a little experience with women, my dear, and though I don’t know what you look like, believe me when I say that you underestimate yourself. And if I were your brother I wouldn’t make do with that lug Yannis napping on a bench outside the room.’
The humour that did so much damage to her resolve transformed his eyes from ice to the colour of thunderclouds, but even though his hold softened, she was no longer trying to escape it. His hand encompassed her wrist, his fingers marking her thudding pulse. She knew he couldn’t see her, but she felt he saw right through her, not merely through the veils, but through her skin, to the flow of blood in her veins, to her very thoughts, chaotic and forbidden.
She tried desperately to regain her advantage as his nurse.
‘I will have you know I do not need Yannis to see to my welfare. I can see to it myself, so you had best tread carefully.’
A glint of mischief sparked in his eyes and his hand tucked hers into his as if it was the most natural thing in the world to sit there, hands clasped.
‘Or what?’
‘Or...’
She couldn’t think of anything. Not just a reasonable punishment, but of anything but the surprisingly sweet mischief in his eyes and that sense of rightness in sitting there with him, his fingers caressing the core of her palm and sending shivers of heat up her arm, her body aligning, readying to be his.
‘I don’t think I would mind any retribution you could deliver, you know.’ His voice rasped over nerves that were already dancing. The mere thought that he might feel the same attraction was as intoxicating as his touch. He was probably just playing with her as he no doubt played with all the women he claimed to have experienced. But in her mind a common bond of need had snared them both, inescapable.
‘I would never wish to hurt you,’ she replied, her own voice just as hoarse at the depth of that truth. The mischief in his eyes doused immediately, the shadows under his cheekbones becoming even more pronounced. When he spoke now his voice scared her, it was deep and raw, as compelling as an edict from the gods.
‘Take off the veil. I need to see you.’
She shook her head—it wasn’t just that he would see plump and drab Christina James, the daughter of an English doctor, but that he would see her thoughts in her eyes as clear as spring water. This was a game to him, but it wasn’t for her. He was clever and watchful and she would not be able to hide her feelings and then she would see not just disappointment but pity.
‘No.’
‘Damn it, take them off. I won’t do anything, I promise. I just want to see you.’
‘I can’t.’
‘Of course you can. This is madness. Someone like you shouldn’t even be here, locked into a servant’s life. Look, I am almost well enough to leave. Come with me.’
‘What?’
‘There is a whole world outside these walls and those veils. It’s obvious in everything you say that you are fascinated by it. I’m asking you to come discover it with me.’
‘You’re mad.’
‘Probably. A little. Well, more than a little. But I mean it. I know some of the things I do are dangerous, but I would arrange it so that you are never at risk and if anything happened to me you would have everything you need; you would never have to depend on anyone ever again. If anyone is unsuited to be at someone else’s beck and call all their lives, it is you. All that passion in you will bubble over one day and burn everything in sight. I can show you how to set it free. Take off your veils, Athena.’
She dragged her hands away and stood, stumbling backwards. Waves of heat and ice rolled through her and her lungs felt as tight as if a boulder was pinning her down.
‘Stop it. This is my home! My family!’
He struggled to his feet, his hand braced against his side, and she felt tears burning on her cheeks at the clashing currents of fear and concern and need.
‘You would rather remain a servant here?’ he demanded and she clasped her hands together.
‘I am not merely a servant. I would never leave the King and Ari; they are all that matter in my life.’
He looked away, the heat disappearing in a flash from his mouth and eyes as if it had never been. Like this he looked more than ever like a statue and it was hard to reconcile this stony façade with the appealing charm and that almost boyish need of just a moment ago. One of them had to be a lie, didn’t it?
‘It hardly matters,’ he said after a moment. ‘Fantasy is so much more rewarding than reality, anyway. But if you wish men to respect your boundaries, I suggest you refrain from flirting with them.’
‘I don’t flirt.’
‘More fantasy, darling. A dangerous one, too. Someone with your temper would do better to face your flaws or one day that meek little handmaiden act will go up in a ball of fire and then all hell will break loose.’
‘You don’t know me!’
His mouth flattened.
‘I know your kind.’
‘My kind?’
‘Yes. Clever, quiet, with everything tucked in tight until it explodes and takes everyone with it without thought of the consequences.’
The maelstrom of unfamiliar emotions gathered round a single core of fury and she clung to it with savage relief.
‘You are arrogant and presumptuous and annoying, and I am tired of sitting here in these horrible veils while you taunt me. I will tell the King you are perfectly able to travel and I hope he puts you on the very first ship off the island.’ She switched to Greek, stalking towards the door. ‘Yannis, open the door, I am coming out!’
‘Wait!’
But she was already through the door, shoving a surprised Yannis aside. She stripped off the veils and left them in a heap in the corridor.
* * *
