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Well, no rush. If she’d been dating someone, the guy would have been there today, helping her out. Ben had all the time in the world to get close.
THE FOLLOWING Monday morning, Julie locked the door and led a subdued Marisa across the driveway to Ben’s house.
As Julie knocked on the door, she said, “Honey, preschool’s going to be okay.” Marisa shook her head, and Julie’s heart sank. Joe, still in his pajamas, opened the door.
“My dad’s upstairs.”
“Julie, that you?” Ben came to the top of the stairs, Joe’s shoes in his hand. “Joe just needs to get himself dressed.” He walked down the steps and handed Joe his shoes. “Now get dressed and get your shoes on, or I’m turning off the TV.”
An exasperated sigh from Joe. “Oh, Okay.” He grabbed the shoes and trudged into the living room.
Marisa looked up at Julie, anxious, and Julie set a hand on her shoulder. “Go ahead, honey, I’ll be right here. I won’t leave without you, I promise.” She bit her lip as Marisa reluctantly parted from her and slowly followed Joe into the living room. Julie could hear the Rugrats theme playing. Maybe Marisa’s favorite show would distract her from her anxiety.
“Cup of coffee? It’ll take him a few minutes.” Ben shook his head. “I can do it for him, but I’ve been trying to get him to dress himself in the morning.”
“No hurry, we’re early. But yeah, I’d love another cup of coffee.”
He led her into the kitchen and poured her a cup. “Marisa’s first day at preschool. She doesn’t seem too excited about it.”
That was an understatement. “She’s hiding it as best she can, I think, but she’s terrified. Thank goodness Joe’s school had room for her. It would have been so much worse if she didn’t know someone.” Julie dropped into a chair beside the table as Ben poured her a cup of coffee and set it in front of her. “I feel terrible. This is really my fault. If I—” She shook her head and took a sip from her mug.
“If you what?”
Julie looked up at him. “If I’d only thought about the ramifications of doing this alone. I had every chance. Everyone and their brother pointed it out to me.”
Ben looked mystified.
Julie shook her head in exasperation with herself. “It’s a long story, I’m afraid.” She gave him a wry smile.
Ben sat down with his cup. “Believe me, it’ll take Joe at least ten minutes to get dressed. But don’t let me pry.”
“Not at all.” Julie glanced through the kitchen door into the dining room and living room beyond, where both kids were sitting on the couch absorbed in yet another devious plan by the spoiled-rotten Angelica to ruin the babies’ fun. “Marisa and I are just getting to know one another. She still doesn’t quite believe that this is for keeps. She was bounced around so much in the past four years.”
“So she thinks maybe this whole day-care thing is just another way to get rid of her?”
“I think maybe she does. I’ve tried to explain that I’d much rather stay with her all the time but that I don’t have any choice, I have to work. I don’t think she’s buying it.”
Ben gazed at her, thoughtful, giving her some of his calm. “I’ll bet it’s pretty important that I pick them up right on time, isn’t it?”
Grateful, Julie smiled in relief. “I didn’t know how to bring that up.” Already he understood a lot about Marisa.
He grinned. He had a dimple immediately to the left of his mouth. Just the one side, giving him a consistently wry smile. “Afraid it would sound a bit rude to remind me to be punctual? I know how hard you work at being a good mom. If you ever have any other concerns like that, don’t worry about being rude, okay?”
“It’s just that there were so many obstacles to the adoption, and I never knew, right up until the day the papers were finalized, whether or not it would go through.” She shook her head in remembered frustration. “So I didn’t know what to tell Marisa.”
“Why was it so difficult? Because you’re single?”
“That, and that I work long hours sometimes. And I’m younger than most adoptive parents. When I applied to adopt her, I became an interested party, so I couldn’t continue as Marisa’s guardian ad litem. I’d been representing her needs in court for four years, and now they had to assign someone new, who had to do her own investigation.” She sighed. “And Marisa’s last foster mother thought the whole idea was nuts.”
“Helpful of her.”
Julie shook her head. “She did have a point, though. I’d gone over to take Marisa out for the day, and her foster mother told me she and her husband couldn’t keep Marisa any longer. She was trying to talk me into fostering Marisa for a few weeks, so she wouldn’t have to go to a temporary care facility while social services found a new foster home for her.” Julie swallowed hard as the memory ate at her. “I was listing all the reasons it was a bad idea. And then I heard something out in the hallway behind us.”
“Marisa?”
Julie nodded. “I walked into the hall, and she was sitting there on the steps. She’d overheard the whole thing. Or, at least, enough to figure out she’d been rejected again, by both of us.”
The whole horrible scene played out in Julie’s mind as she told Ben the story.
JULIE HAD TAKEN a step toward Marisa and put her hand up to the little girl’s tear-soaked cheek. “You heard us talking.”
Marisa had nodded, her dark eyes filling again with tears.
“What did you hear?”
“I got to go somewhere new.” She’d sobbed, a low keening Julie felt in her own chest.
“Oh, sweetie.” Julie had walked around the railing and up the stairs, climbing to where Marisa sat midway down the flight. She sat down next to the little girl and pulled her into her lap, kissing the part in her shiny dark hair.
“I was good though! I was good! I always picked up my room at cleanup time, and I tried not to splash too much.”
“Marisa, it’s nothing you did.”
“Then why do I got to go somewhere new?”
She hugged Marisa a bit tighter. “Marisa, this could turn out great. Going to a new home means maybe some nice couple might foster you, someone who can adopt you someday.” It didn’t feel right, saying that, but how could she tell the poor kid how unlikely that was?
“When?”
“I’m not sure, exactly.” Marisa’s eyes filled with anxiety again, and Julie kicked herself. For Marisa, uncertainty was the worst of all possible scenarios. “But honey, listen, this next part you’re going to like.”
Marisa looked up at her, eyes full of hope, and Julie suddenly realized this next part might not be all Marisa could have hoped for at all.
But she summoned a smile, hoping it would help Marisa see things in a positive light. “Until we find the new foster home, you’re going to come stay with me.”
“Oh.” Marisa looked down again. “For how long?”
“Well, honey, for as long as it takes. Maybe a couple of weeks, maybe a couple of months. I’m going to get you your own bed, and we’ll make popcorn every night. And pretty soon, you’ll have a great new place to live.” The words felt so wrong on Julie’s lips, she felt queasy speaking them.
Marisa still wouldn’t look at her, and as Julie watched, a tear slid down the girl’s already wet cheek, and then another. This was more than just anxiety. Julie bent her head down to look into Marisa’s face.
Marisa’s mouth opened, but before she could speak, she sobbed again. “How come nobody wants me?”
Julie pulled Marisa close, hugged her tight. Her heart broke again for the little girl. What could she say to her? That someone did want her? That eventually she’d be adopted? She couldn’t make promises like that.
Marisa sobbed against her chest, and Julie held her as close as she could.
“I want you, honey. I can’t wait for you to come and stay with me.”
If anything, Marisa cried harder. “Then why don’t you want to adopt me?”
Why didn’t anyone want Marisa? Suddenly the whole question took on a new significance. It was no longer just rhetorical. It was personal. Why didn’t Julie want her? And if Julie wanted her, why didn’t she want her permanently?
Why didn’t Julie adopt Marisa?
There were a million reasons why not. She was too young, she was too busy. She was too broke.
But she was the only person in the world who loved Marisa.
She didn’t know anything about child raising.
But she could learn, couldn’t she?
She was a single woman, with no immediate prospects. Every child deserved two parents. Every child deserved a mommy and a daddy.
But Marisa didn’t even have one parent. She didn’t even have a permanent foster parent, just a long string of temporary ones. She didn’t have anyone. How could one parent be worse than none at all?
Julie couldn’t believe she was doing it. She’d never done anything this impulsive in her entire careful life. But she pulled Marisa away so she could look into her face. “I do want to adopt you, Marisa. And I’m going to.”
Somehow, she’d fix it.
She could learn to be a good parent. She’d take some parenting classes. Read some books. She’d be the best mom she could learn how to be. And eventually maybe she could fix the daddy situation, too.
Julie looked up in time to see Marisa’s foster mother watching them through the banister, her mouth in a shocked O of surprise. She felt a thrill of alarm at the woman’s reaction, but she gave Marisa a final squeeze and a kiss. “Go upstairs and wash your face so we can get going.”
Julie stood and walked back down the stairs, waiting until she heard the bathroom door close behind Marisa before she turned to Marisa’s foster mother. “What?” She heard a half-afraid defiance in her own voice.
“Are you crazy? You?” Julie winced at the scorn in the woman’s voice. “Adopt a five-year-old?”
“Why shouldn’t I? I love her. Isn’t that what matters the most?”
“Have you even given this any thought? You live in a studio apartment, you have no money, you’re twenty-five years old, and you’ve never cared for a child except for trips to the zoo and the aquarium. It’s not all fun and field trips, you know. Worst of all, you’re single. Do you know how difficult it is to raise a child with two parents? And Marisa, with her attachment issues? She needs a full-time mother, not someone who’s going to dump her in day care ten hours a day.” She’d turned away, disgusted, and Julie had waited alone in the hallway for Marisa to come back downstairs.
JULIE WAS FIGHTING TEARS, just remembering. She looked over at Ben, who had set his coffee cup down while he listened to the story. His eyes held empathy, understanding, and she could have lost herself inside them. “Anyway, she wasn’t the only one who brought that up. And they were all right. Marisa needs two parents, so she can have a parent at home with her.” She looked up at Ben. “And I’m going to fix that if it’s the last thing I ever do as a parent.” Julie blinked away her tears and gave a self-deprecating laugh. “I’m sorry, what a story to start off the day, huh? That’ll teach you to pry.” She grinned.
“I’m glad you told me.” He reached out his hand and set it on top of hers, his palm warm and rough on the back of her hand. She looked up into his face, startled by the small thrill of warmth she felt deep inside, and for a moment they stared into each other’s eyes. “But how are you going to fix—”
From the living room, Joe let out a shriek. “I can’t see! You’re in the way!”
Ben’s gaze flickered away from her face, toward the noise. “Hey, what’s going on in there?” He rose, and Julie followed him into the living room, her hand still warm where he’d touched her.
Joe sat on the couch, one sock on, his pajama top off, staring at the screen. Marisa sat beside him, between him and the television, pressed back as far into the cushions as she could.
“Joe, you aren’t even dressed yet.” Ben reached over and snapped the television off.
Joe looked at his father in horror, then threw himself backward on the couch with a shriek. “No! Daddy, it’s not over yet!”
“I know it’s not over. I told you as long as you got dressed while you watched, I’d leave it on. You didn’t get dressed.”
“I’ll get dressed now!”
“Sorry, buddy. That was the deal.” Ben reached for a sock, and Joe kicked at his hand, then looked at his father in half-defiant dread at what he’d done.
Marisa gasped and shrank against Julie, and Julie reached a protective, reassuring arm around her daughter.
Chapter Four
Ben straightened and gave Joe a reproachful look. “Joe. That is unacceptable. We do not kick.”
Joe slid to the floor, crying. “But I want to watch!”
“Then I’d say you’re going about it the wrong way, bub. No TV for you tonight. You can watch it again tomorrow.”
Joe shrieked. “You said I could watch tonight.”
“And then you tried to kick me.”
“No. I want to watch.”
“Then you better shape up, and quick, or no television tomorrow, either.”
Joe frowned at his father.
Julie quelled her desire to laugh at the child’s fierce glower. Marisa still hid her face in Julie’s skirt, and Julie felt her tremble, poor kid. She patted her shoulder. “It’s okay, honey,” she whispered.
Ben continued his reprimand. “Is that what you want? No television tomorrow?”
Joe shook his head.
“Then let’s get dressed, and you stop this screaming.”
Joe crossed his arms and glared at his father. “Okay, but I won’t like it.”
Julie could see Ben biting back a grin. She had to bite back one of her own at the expression of exasperated affection on his face.
“That’s okay, you don’t have to like it. You just have to behave in a civilized manner.”
Ben quickly dressed Joe in sweatshirt and sweatpants and worked the boy’s shoes on over his socks. “There you go, buddy.”
Joe gave a deep sigh. “Okay. I won’t do it anymore.”
Ben smiled and pulled him into a hug. “Good job. You have fun at preschool, okay? I’ll be there to get you and Marisa at five.”
Julie felt Marisa make note of that. Bless him.
“At playground time, right, Daddy?”
“Yep.”
