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His hand struck the counter. “You could have called anytime in those years before I got married.”
He was shaking. “I waited to hear from you. I waited and waited and waited. Why didn’t you call?”
“You could have called me.”
“You left me, Moira. It was up to you to let me know if you ever wanted to see me again.”
“Oh, Angus, I was busy.” When he would have spoken, would have lambasted her for such a flimsy excuse, Moira raised a hand. “New York is like a wild animal, absolutely voracious. It chews up young people and their hopes and dreams and spits them out ruined. I refused to be one of the ruined, one of the losers. I worked my butt off to succeed.”
Her defiance left her and she looked fragile, tired.
“Did you succeed?” he asked softly.
“Beyond my wildest dreams.”
“Was it worth it?”
“I don’t know.”
“What does that mean?”
The door chime rang and Angus flinched.
Go. Get the hell out, whoever you are. I’m not finished here.
He watched Moira wipe moisture from her eyes, subtly enough that he was pretty sure the customer behind him wouldn’t notice.
He turned around. Norma Christie. Jesus, it only needed this. Crusty Christie, the biggest blabbermouth in town.
“Hello, Moira,” she said. “Angus.” She inclined her head, unbending that steel rod of a backbone enough to acknowledge him. She’d seemed old when he was young. She was downright ancient now. And judging by the spark in her eyes, just as nosy as ever.
Angus set his jaw. Moira turned around, her face composed, but he could see the strain in her eyes.
“What are you doing in here, Angus?” Norma gestured to the rose-patterned fabrics scattered around the shop. “You getting a dress made for someone? Your fiancée?”
Angus froze. What the heck was he supposed to say? That he had come in only to see Moira? When he was getting married in two weeks? Knowing Norma, she’d put an interesting spin on it and would spread it to half the town. It would crush Jenny if she heard. If there was one thing he knew about Jenny, it was that she valued loyalty above all else.
“Last time I checked,” Norma said, “the groom wasn’t supposed to order the dress for the bride. He wasn’t even supposed to see it before the wedding day.”
The dress. He’d forgotten. Moira was making Jenny’s wedding dress. How did Moira feel about that?
He couldn’t come up with a lie for Norma.
Not one goddamn word.
He saw Moira swallow, watched her pretty throat move and her full lips part.
“Angus came to pick up Jenny’s dress, but it isn’t ready yet.”
She turned to Angus and smiled. It looked like a struggle. “Tell Jenny I’ll get those pleats she wanted sewn in right away. It will only be a couple of days.”
“Will do.” Angus nodded at Norma and left the store, so frustrated his jaw hurt. He didn’t feel any better now than when he’d walked into the store. One way or another, he would find out what had happened to Moira over the years and why she’d decided to stay in Ordinary now.
And why the hell she’d never stopped loving him, yet hadn’t done a single thing about it in all these years.
MATT KNEW HE’D HEARD wrong. Jenny couldn’t have just said that the boy who’d been standing in front of him was his son. He had to have heard her wrong.
She looked serious, though.
“What?” he asked, hoping against hope that he had got it wrong. He felt light-headed, as if he was at the bottom of a deep, deep well, with only a small circle of light at the top and someone leaning over and whispering strange things. He couldn’t hear properly. “No way.”
“Yes, he’s yours,” Jenny said from the top of that long tunnel. “Born nine months and three days after the night we spent together.”
A shiver ran across the back of his neck. A wave of dizziness left his skin clammy, as though he’d just walked a mile through a thick fog.
He had a son. A child.
Whooh. He exhaled through his dry lips.
He had a child.
Christ, what was he supposed to do about it? How on earth was he supposed to deal with a child? Hoo-boy.
His feet started to itch, like he needed to run. But he couldn’t leave. He had a son.
He was the boy’s father, beyond a shadow of a doubt. Jesse looked familiar because Matt saw a more mature version of that face in his mirror every day.
He was a father.
His legs threatened to give out on him. He broke out in the kind of sweat usually caused by nightmares or rotgut alcohol.
The screen door slammed and Jesse came out with a small Tupperware container and a spoon in his hand. He sat on the top step and shoveled something into his mouth.
That little guy had sprung from his loins.
Afternoon sunlight glinted off the golden hair the boy had inherited from Matt.
Matt had inherited that from his own father—the dad who would never, not in a million years, have been voted Father of the Year.
Deserter of the Year, more like.
Or Drunk.
Or Layabout.
Or Wife Beater.
One hell of a frickin’ package.
The old confusing, crushing amalgam of feelings flooded him—love, hatred, admiration, sorrow, hero worship. Disappointment.
Matt stared at the child on the veranda.
I am a father.
His body couldn’t decide what it wanted to do, whether he should run scared or cry like a baby.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked, his voice as cold as the water at the bottom of the well he was drowning in.
“I know you, Matt. You don’t have staying power.” Jenny looked stoic, heartless, so sure in her opinions of him.
“You never gave me the chance,” he said.
“Sorry, Matt. My first responsibility is to Jesse. If that means protecting him from his own father, I’ll do it.”
Matt’s chest burned. She thought so little of him. Who had ever had faith in him? So few people.
Angus. Jenny at one point, but no more.
Maybe he should leave, figure out another way to pay Angus back. But he knew he couldn’t leave.
He had a son.
He shouldn’t have come here. Life was too complicated here, even worse now that he knew about Jesse.
“You can’t tell him,” Jenny said.
“What?”
“You can’t tell him you’re his father.”
Something inside his chest ached. Pride, he guessed, or was it something deeper? Ownership?
“If you tell him and then leave,” Jenny continued, “he’ll be so badly hurt.”
He shouldn’t have come back to Ordinary. And if he’d had any other option, he never would have.
A thought occurred to him. “Wait a minute. You’re marrying Angus. Were you just going to let him become the boy’s surrogate father?”
“Yes. We both know he makes a good one.”
“Why wouldn’t you tell me first before doing that?”
Jenny bit her bottom lip and appeared to be struggling with what she had to say. “I need a dependable man to be Jesse’s father.”
“And I’m not,” Matt said bitterly.
Jenny clenched and unclenched her hands. “No,” she said. “We both know you aren’t.” That hurt.
She must have realized it because she stretched one hand toward him then let it fall. “Angus will be a better father than you. He’s the better man for Jesse, Matt.”
Jenny seemed regretful, but Matt couldn’t stand to look at her a second longer, to stand in the same yard with her. Even if he was a coward at heart, even if she didn’t respect him, she should have told him the truth.
He should have known he had a son.
She shouldn’t be giving his child to another man to raise.
On one level, he barely recognized that he was angry with her for getting pregnant in the first place, for making him feel responsibility when he didn’t want to, as if there hadn’t been two of them having sex that night.
Matt turned his back on Jenny and strode to his truck, angry, afraid, too unsettled to know exactly what he was feeling. Shocked, definitely.
Man, oh, man, he hadn’t been prepared for this kind of problem. Since that scare with Elsa, he’d been really careful with birth control. So what had happened that night with Jenny? He hadn’t given it a single thought—had only felt that he needed her, and that he had to have her.
He’d lost control.
He started the engine, made sure the kid was still sitting on the veranda and then took off down the driveway, not caring how much noise he made. When he hit the highway, he revved the engine and burned rubber.
He didn’t know where he was going, only knew that he had to get away to clear his head.
I am a father.
As Matt neared the turnoff to his parents’ house, he slammed on the brakes, hitting the gravel shoulder in a spray of fine stone and dust, and fishtailing. He missed the dirt road that led into his property.
Breathing hard, he took off his hat and threw it onto the seat beside him.
He didn’t have a clue where he needed to go or what he needed to do, but maybe it was no accident that he’d braked before he’d made any firm decisions.
Putting the truck into reverse, he backed up and turned onto the old road. Rainstorms had washed ruts into the dirt, and the truck bounced off them as he drove.
He approached the house and tried to dredge up a memory, any memory, that wasn’t bad. Not of Jenny and him and their night together, though. That memory was good and bad and insane. At this moment, he didn’t want to think of her, not when he wanted to hurt her so badly for the way she’d hurt him, for what she’d taken from him.
His boots rang loud and hollow on the porch floor, and he sidestepped a hole. The door groaned like an old woman. Then he was inside the house and lost in memories of his childhood.
He closed the door behind him, to keep the bugs out and the really tough memories in. On second thought, he opened it again, hoping against hope that all the memories would fly out, leaving nothing more than a house. But they refused to leave. They buzzed around his head like mosquitoes ready to draw blood.
The stone fireplace still dominated the small living room and open kitchen.
An ancient Christmas tree, brown and desiccated, stood in the far corner. Silver balls and bits of tinsel hung on it. His mother’s last attempt at making this place a home?
Matt held himself rigid, afraid of the emotions that would flood out of him if he let them. They threatened to drown him.
Keep it cool, Matt. Keep it cool.
He spotted a bunch of dust-coated mail on the Formica table by the door. Matt had left it there, unopened, after his parents had died. Other than he and Jenny that one night, no one had been here since then. He flipped through what was left of his parents’ lives.
He picked up one large manila envelope, then stilled. He didn’t have to guess what it was. He already knew. The autopsy. No, thanks. No, no, no. He dropped it back onto the table and stalked into what had been his bedroom. Not one clue to his personality existed in the room—no posters nor CDs nor photos. Nothing. No Matthew Long. He’d spent his adolescence avoiding the homestead.
Kyle’s room had been messy, with football posters on the wall and a computer and his own TV and Playboy magazines under the bed.
