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Be honest about the practicalities. If you are against abortion, but have no desire to help raise a baby, you have little room in your home and your finances are already stretched, there is no point in promising something that you have no possibility of fulfilling in order to sway her decision.
What should I not do?
Accuse your daughter of being stupid or promiscuous.
Threaten or force her to follow your decision.
Press for details of her sex life. If she’s pregnant, she’s obviously sexually active, and this is a private matter.
Ask her to leave the family home. Being homeless will only compound the problem, and leave your daughter without resources and support when she needs it most.
Lose your temper. Move on and make the best of the situation. Work together to ensure that it does not arise again.
Are there any support organisations?
Listed overleaf are several organisations that can offer support for both you and your daughter, and also provide information on the procedures available and the aftermath.
Family Planning Association
Information and advice on all aspects of sexual health.
Tel: 0845 310 1334
www.fpa.org.uk (http://www.fpa.org.uk)
Brook
Information, advice and guidance for young people under twenty-five on sex, relationships and contraception.
Tel: 0800 018 5023
www.brook.org.uk (http://www.brook.org.uk)
Youth Access
A national network of youth advice, information, support and counselling agencies.
www.youthaccess.org.uk (http://www.youthaccess.org.uk)
British Pregnancy Advisory Service (BPAS)
Offers information and counselling for those considering abortion. It provides abortions for NHS and private patients.
Tel: 08457 304030
www.bpas.org (http://www.bpas.org)
Education For Choice
Information about pregnancy and abortion.
www.educationforchoice.blogspot.co.uk (http://educationforchoice.blogspot.co.uk/)
My son’s girlfriend is pregnant and she wants a termination. What are his rights?
Your son does not have a legal right to decide whether or not his girlfriend should continue with or end her pregnancy. She is also under no obligation to tell him that she is pregnant, nor that she has had or is planning to have a termination. This can be very distressing for many young men, who may have strong ideas about the pregnancy and what is morally right. The organisations listed above can also help him to accept her decision, and to get support if required.
Alcohol (#ulink_b138d932-51cc-5031-8b22-706f31067138)
When can my son drink alcohol legally?
In the UK, the legal drinking age is eighteen. This means your son can purchase and drink alcohol without an ‘adult’ being present. If he’s sixteen, he can have beer, cider or wine in a restaurant or a pub with an area set aside for meals, as long as the alcohol is served with food and he is accompanied by an adult. The rules are different for consuming alcohol on private premises, in other words, your home (see page).
What happens in Europe?
European countries typically have a legal drinking ages of sixteen or eighteen. For example, in the Netherlands, Germany, Switzerland and Austria, you have to be sixteen to buy beer or wine and eighteen to buy distilled alcoholic beverages (spirits).
What happens in the US?
In the US, the legal age for purchase or possession (but not necessarily consumption) in every state has been twenty-one since the passage of the National Minimum Drinking Age Act in 1984. Many states specifically allow consumption under the age of twenty-one for religious or health reasons or with parental approval. In Canada, the legal drinking age is eighteen in the provinces of Alberta, Manitoba and Quebec, and nineteen elsewhere.
At what age is it safe for children to drink small amounts of alcohol (at a celebration, for example)?
In the UK, serving a child alcohol in your own home is legally allowed from age five, but not recommended for health reasons. For one thing, even a small quantity of alcohol impairs judgement, and very little is required to become ‘drunk’ at such a tender age. Moreover, many doctors recommend that children under eighteen should not drink alcohol at all, because their bodies are still developing – in particular, the liver, which breaks down alcohol, is not fully developed until the age of about twenty-one. This is also the age at which the hypothalamus, the part of the brain most affected by alcohol, matures. Drinking before this age increases the risk of addiction; in fact, studies show that countries that allow youth drinking have a much higher incidence of adult alcoholism.
Having said that, a thimbleful of wine or champagne at a family celebration is unlikely to do any long-term damage. It’s worth noting, too, that parents who adopt an open policy about alcohol use, and take the time to educate their kids about the potential dangers while offering supervision, are less likely to have children who drink subversively – and over drink! After all, a child is less likely to get ‘drunk’ while a parent is around and if alcohol is not regarded as a forbidden fruit, it’s less likely to tempt kids, particularly in periods of rebellion.
What are the recommended safe levels of consumption?
It is certainly worth bearing in mind the recommended safe levels of alcohol consumption for adults and be even more cautious where your children are concerned.
Experts advise that men drink no more than 21 units of alcohol per week and no more than four units in any one day. Women should drink no more than 14 units of alcohol per week and no more than three units in any one day. One unit of alcohol is equivalent to a small 25 ml measure of spirits, 125 ml glass of wine or half a pint of ordinary strength beer.
When can you take a child into the pub?
You can take your child to the pub from any age, but he must be supervised by someone over the age of eighteen. He will not be able to enter the ‘bar’ of a pub, unless it has a children’s certificate, and if it does have a certificate, he can only go into parts of licenced premises where alcohol is either sold but not drunk (for example, a sales point for consumption away from the pub), or drunk but not sold (for example, a garden or family room).
Between the ages of fourteen and fifteen, your child can go anywhere in a pub, as long as he is supervised by an adult, but he may not drink alcohol. After the age of sixteen your child can buy or be bought beer, wine or cider to drink with a meal, if he’s with an adult. Otherwise, it is against the law for anyone under eighteen to buy or drink alcohol in a pub.
Children cannot go to the pub alone until they are sixteen.
When can my child have a glass of wine with dinner?
Theoretically, you can serve a small amount of wine with dinner from the age of five, but for obvious reasons this is not ideal!
Having said that, many children begin to experiment with alcohol outside the home between the ages of ten and fourteen, and a 2006 survey found that nine out of ten teenagers drank alcohol by the age of fifteen. The average age for drinking a whole ‘drink’ is twelve and a half.
One survey, published by the Centre for Public Health at Liverpool John Moores University, suggests that parents should teach their children to be sensible with alcohol by letting them have a glass of wine over dinner – from pre- to early teens. Researchers claim that teenagers who buy their own alcohol are more likely to be binge drinkers.
Professor Mark Bellis, who led the study, feels that parents should adopt a ‘Mediterranean approach’, where youngsters drink in moderation. He says sensible drinking is a ‘life skill’ and that ‘the ability to drink alcohol sensibly is not a gift people are born with but one that must be learnt’, confirming that ‘a Mediterranean approach to alcohol consumption, with food and with restraint, is unlikely to ever develop in the UK unless parents demonstrate such behaviours and help develop them in their children.’
My son wants alcohol served at his birthday party, because all his friends apparently serve drinks at their parties. He’s only sixteen. Is he old enough?
Drinking in a private home is acceptable from the age of five; indeed, it is legal for anyone over the age of five to drink alcohol. The age restrictions apply to purchasing (under eighteen years old) and location – on licensed premises or in alcohol-exclusion zones. So, theoretically, yes, you can legally serve alcohol at your son’s party.
There are, however, other factors to consider. The first is that you have a duty of care to children in your home – and if there is a problem with overdrinking or an accident caused by drinking, you may be held liable. What’s more, other parents may not actually have the same approach to teen drinking as you do, and will object to having their child served alcohol under the age of eighteen or outside their home.
If you feel comfortable with a small amount of alcohol being served, and the parents of his friends are in agreement, consider the following tips:
Make it clear to your child and his guests what is and is not allowed.
Act as barperson yourself, or ask another responsible adult to do so. Not every teenager is responsible or mature enough to make the right decisions about intake.
Limit what’s on offer – allowing, say, a beer or two per guest, or one or two glasses of wine or alcopop.
Don’t allow guests to bring drinks to the party (even soft drinks, as they may have been spiked with alcohol).
Offer plenty of non-alcoholic drinks so that kids don’t feel pressured to drink, and have an option when they’ve drunk their fill.
Make non-alcoholic drinks attractive and ‘fun’ if possible – a juice bar with plenty of ice, fruit, juices and fizzy drinks can make this option more appealing.
Avoid punches if you can – these are easily ‘spiked’ and it’s also harder to control who is drinking what.
Offer plenty of food alongside any drinks, to soak up the alcohol.
Make sure that all your young guests have a safe means of getting home.
How old does my daughter need to be in order to buy alcohol legally?
In the UK, your daughter can buy beer, wine or cider in a pub from the age of sixteen, as long as she has a meal alongside and is with an adult. She can purchase any type of alcohol from the age of eighteen, from any premises.
What is the law in Europe?
In Europe, legislation is much more relaxed. Most children will be served alcohol with meals in restaurants if they are accompanied by an adult; most parents serve alcohol at home with meals and at celebrations. The legal drinking age for purchasing alcohol and consuming it on licensed premises ranges from sixteen to twenty, with eighteen being the most common age limit.
What happens in the US?
Don’t expect to have a sniff of alcohol until you are at least twenty-one. Not only is it almost impossible to buy without an ID card stating your age, but there is a strong anti-alcohol ethos that encourages abstention until twenty-one.
How do I know if my son is drinking too much?
Unfortunately, binge-drinking is a part of today’s youth culture. It’s not social drinking as we know it, but more like an ‘extreme sport’ – where you drink until you pass out or vomit. Chances are that if your son is drinking, he may well be drinking too much. A few drinks a week may be acceptable for an older teenager or a little alcohol with meals, but his health (in particular his liver and brain) can be affected if he is drinking large quantities regularly. It is important that he learns moderation, and that you keep tabs on what is going on. Remember that most kids don’t worry about alcohol and its dangers, because it’s part of their culture, they see deaths or alcohol poisoning as freak accidents, and they think they are immortal.
If your child is drinking too much, it’s important that you talk to him (see page), to explain the risks and find out why he feels the need to drink excessively.
OBVIOUS SIGNS OF OVERDRINKING
Bloodshot eyes
Slurred speech, giddiness, dizziness
Unusual fatigue
Repeated health complaints
Personality change
Sudden mood changes
Irresponsible behaviour
Irritability
Poor judgement
Depression
General torpor or lack of interest
Argumentative
Withdrawing from the family
Secretiveness
Drop in grades
Absence at school
Truancy
Discipline problems
Changes to less conventional styles in dress and music
Sudden increase or decrease in appetite
Not coming home on time – or calling at the last minute to say they are staying elsewhere (they don’t want to be caught)
Not telling you where they are going
Constant excuses for behaviour
Spending a lot of time in their rooms
Lying about activities
Reduced memory and attention span
