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‘Hmm.’ I shrugged. ‘Give in.’
She pointed outside. ‘Stranger. That lady’s been staring at us for ages.’
‘You never told me we could name things outside too!’
Amy dropped her head into her arms on the table, in fits of giggles. ‘My rules.’ She looked up, laughing. ‘The lady’s gone now.’
I shook my head. ‘Stranger, huh?’ I smiled. ‘That was too good.’
‘Yeah,’ Amy nodded, ‘she was looking at you.’
‘Really?’ I turned my head and looked up and down the high street. ‘She was probably just waiting for someone, or thought I was somebody else.’
I sat forward again, tapped the edge of the table three times, as Amy started scrabbling around in her Peppa Pig canvas bag. ‘I made something for you.’ She drew out a piece of A4 card folded in two and handed it to me. The front was covered in glitter and beads.
I opened it, my hands trembling slightly. Inside it read: I love you, Mummy. My vision blurred over with tears and I brushed them away with the back of my hand. ‘Ames, it’s beautiful. Thank you so much.’ I pushed down the lump in my throat. ‘Did you make it at school?’
She shook her head. ‘No, last Tuesday. With Daddy.’
‘Really? With Daddy?’
‘I felt sad and Daddy said we could play art time.’ She stumbled over her next words. ‘S-so, I made you a card.’
I sighed and put my hand out across the table. ‘Ames.’
She didn’t give me hers and instead traced the outline of Peppa Pig with her forefinger.
‘Well,’ I said, changing the subject and withdrawing my hand, ‘are you looking forward to October? Going to the fair? For my birthday?’ I smiled. ‘That’s only a month away.’
She nodded glumly. ‘I want to go to Claire’s now.’
I put my hand up and signalled to the waitress for the bill. ‘Do you know what you want?’
Amy smiled. ‘A pink bracelet with a star on it. Frannie from school says it makes dreams come true.’
‘That does sound good.’ I leant in and put my card on the table. ‘Are you allowed to tell me your dreams? I know I’m not meant to ask.’
‘That you and Daddy aren’t cross at each other,’ she said simply.
I took the card machine from the hovering waitress and typed in my number, grateful for an excuse to busy myself with something else. I could have seen that one coming and I walked right in – now I was stuck for words. One thing I knew was that there were some things in life that a charm bracelet or any amount of dreaming couldn’t make happen.
I’d have loved to tell her my own dream: I wanted to take her home with me. Run away, if necessary. I knew that Amy might never understand how her father had controlled everything in my life: how I felt trapped and how one glass of wine in the evening quickly led to a bottle, and how I eventually yearned for the bitter hit of vodka in the mornings too.
Amy stood up and shrugged on her pink duffel coat.
‘That’s nice. Is it new?’ I pointed at the coat.
‘Yeah.’
‘Did Daddy buy it for you?’
‘Yeah. Well, it came from Sarah.’ She looked at the ground. ‘I still like the one you bought me, though.’
Sarah. I knew very little about her but I did know that Amy appeared to adore Paul’s new woman. Once, and only once, I had sat outside the school gates in my car waiting for Sarah to appear and pick up Amy. She was disappointingly slim and good-looking, maybe a bit obviously so, and my guts twisted when I saw how Amy bounded up to her and hugged her with the kind of affection I hadn’t seen or felt from Amy in a long time.
‘I’m sure you’ve grown out of that one by now. Besides,’ I smiled, ‘it’s very nice. Pink is much better.’
She walked in front of me and I thought: I could do it now. Take her away from here. We could set up a new life elsewhere. I knew that I could find a job – my career was the one thing I had focused on over the last few years – and Amy would soon adapt to a new school, new friends.
Once outside, she turned, took my hand and, as if reading my mind, said, ‘You know that thing where I have to tell the people who I want to live with?’ She scuffed the toe of her black patent shoe on the ground. ‘I don’t really want to choose between you and Daddy.’
‘I know, sweetheart. No one’s really asking you to do that.’ I straightened her coat collar. ‘Anyway, they’ll be really nice and easy to talk to, I’m sure.’
‘I think I want to live with you, Mummy.’
My heart skipped a beat. ‘Really?’ I asked as evenly as I could. ‘Well, you know how much I’d love that but it’s always your choice. Remember that.’ I drew her into me and kissed the top of her head. ‘Ames, you mean the world to me. It’s all going to be OK. I’ll make sure of it. I cross my heart.’
‘Mummy?’
‘Hmm?’ I mumbled into her full head of auburn curls, inhaling the glorious smell of Timotei shampoo.
‘The stranger’s there.’
My head shot up and I followed Amy’s gaze.
‘What’s she wearing, Ames?’
‘A blue jacket.’ She pointed.
My eyes moved fast over the pedestrians opposite: shoppers, a young couple stopping briefly to kiss, an old man with his head bent in concentration, a street seller flogging pashminas. Of all the roads in London, Oxford Street was a minefield when it came to spotting a person you recognise, let alone a stranger. I focused on the scene again, my eyes filtering the fast flow of pedestrians. That’s when I saw her, but I didn’t recognise her.
She stood up against a wall, stock-still. The woman did appear to be staring our way. I grabbed Amy’s hand and moved toward her, my eyes never leaving her. A taxi honked his horn as we made our way across the street.
‘Careful, love,’ the driver shouted out the window.
‘Mummy? Slow down.’ Amy clung onto my hand more tightly.
Just as we reached the other side of the road, the woman turned and walked fast past Boots and headed down Stratford Place. I started after her, my hand firm around Amy’s.
‘Mummy?’ Amy’s voice quivered ever so slightly with fear. ‘Mummy, you’re holding me too tight.’
I had come to a halt – she was moving too fast – and Amy buried her head in my jumper.
‘Mummy? You’re scaring me. Who are you following?’
‘That woman you saw. I don’t know who she is. No one, I expect. No one,’ I murmured, but there was something about her. Was it her hair or something about her face that made my skin prickle? Unease washed over me as I tried to push away the fleeting images of Bethany skipping through my mind. ‘I just wanted to find out if the woman you saw thought she knew us,’ I said, aware of Amy’s frightened eyes on me.
‘But the woman I was talking about headed down to the Tube.’ She looked momentarily perplexed, but then, and not for the first time, gave me an encouraging smile; my daughter had taken on the role of mother. ‘Can we go to Claire’s now?’
‘Of course,’ I agreed, but I was distracted, because I thought I had seen the woman walking fast along the street. I shook my head, gave a small shrug of my shoulders and smiled. ‘Come on then. Let’s get that charm bracelet, shall we?’
She nodded and we moved off, me inwardly counting the cracks in the pavement: three, six, nine. I looked over my shoulder just as we went to round the corner and gasped aloud as I stepped on the tenth crack. Amy hadn’t noticed as she hurtled toward the shops, but I looked behind me once more. The woman had most definitely gone, but the knot in the pit of my stomach hadn’t.
CHAPTER 2 (#ulink_6af1f6b7-e2fb-5475-a09a-2f35f3e5a17a)
One month later
The twenty yards or so separating us gave me time to put my sunglasses on and take a deep, cleansing breath. I hadn’t slept for more than a couple of hours, worried about spending a day with Paul. I couldn’t remember the last time we had been together, the three of us. Perhaps this was the first time in three years. Sure, he was there when I picked Amy up on a Saturday but, otherwise, we kept our distance.
Soon, my anxiety was quashed by children’s squeals of delight, the smell of candyfloss and the warm, comforting heat of October sunshine and, I thought, how bad could it be? I spotted Paul and Amy stood on the corner of Acton Green and quickened my pace. Despite setting out early, the Tube had been on go-slow.
‘Sophie, nice of you to make it.’ Paul looked at his watch.
‘The Tube. Signalling problems.’
‘You should’ve set out earlier.’
I turned to Amy. ‘Hello, darling.’
‘Hi.’ She smiled up at me. ‘Happy birthday.’
‘Thank you. Getting pretty old, huh?’ She laughed momentarily before running off. ‘Even in a month she changes, doesn’t she?’
‘Children do that.’
‘Here are the tickets.’ I opened my wallet and handed the small pink slips to Paul. ‘I bought them online to save queuing.’
We walked in silence and joined Amy at the entrance. Paul handed the tickets to the official before Amy ran off again.
‘Ames, wait up,’ I called out.
‘Amy!’ Paul tried this time, jogging after her.
Amy turned around. ‘Yeah?’ she shouted.
‘Slow down there, cowgirl,’ he said breathlessly and hugged her close, kissing the top of her head. The gesture made me tense; my stomach churned up.
I walked fast to catch up.
‘Come on, let’s go!’ Amy skipped about in front of us, eager to explore.
‘What do you want to go on first?’ Paul asked.
‘The rollercoaster,’ she said, without pause for thought.
‘OK, you’re going to have to count me out.’ I put my hands in the air in mock-surrender. ‘Unless you want a very ill Mummy on your hands.’
‘I’ll take her then,’ Paul said, shooting me a look. ‘One of us has to be with her.’
‘How about I take you on the teacup ride later, Amy?’
‘OK, but the rollercoaster first.’ She rolled her eyes.
‘Right.’ I cleared my throat. ‘I’ll go and get a bottle of water then. You guys want anything?’
They shook their heads and started toward the rollercoaster. I spent the next ten minutes wandering through the crowds before I stopped to buy a bottle of Evian. The rollercoaster stood some way off in the distance and I could just about make out Paul and Amy taking off their belts and dismounting the ride, chatting happily. To my alarm, Paul pointed to the ground and walked off. Amy stood obediently next to the ride and I tried to catch her attention with a wave but she didn’t see me.
I dodged a pram as it mowed its way across my path and walked straight through a gaggle of teenagers shouting over the top of my head. The fairground was swollen with people moving in all directions and the air was thick with the smell of fast food. I looked in Amy’s direction again, now having to stand on tiptoes to see over the crowds.
My heart started to beat faster; panic flooding my body. A stranger, a woman in a black coat approached Amy and started chatting to her. It was the woman, the woman from outside the hamburger joint last month. Walking faster now, I had her in my eye line but I was still too far away. My breath caught as I watched her stoop down to Amy’s eye level and unfurl her hand. I couldn’t see her face but she appeared to hand something to Amy and Amy giggled with delight. A cold sweat engulfed me and I wanted to scream for everyone to get out of my way. My daughter was in trouble and I needed to get to her. I had told Amy never to talk to strangers but she was such a trusting child. I watched the woman stand upright and ruffle Amy’s auburn curls. I didn’t know who the woman was, and I ran faster.
‘Amy!’ I shouted, my words swallowed whole by the milling crowds. ‘Amy!’
A young woman stepped in front of me and I tripped, falling to the ground. Without hesitation, I picked myself up and wiped my dirty hands on the back of my jeans, ignoring the throbbing pain in my left wrist. I looked from side to side, desperate to regain my bearings.
‘Excuse me,’ I said more loudly now. ‘Can you get out of the way?’ I put out my arm and started shoving people. A woman to my right tutted and a balding man shouted ‘Oi’ in my ear. But it worked and a gap slowly opened up. Once I had managed to escape the main avenue of stalls, I cut a left and ran to the rollercoaster ride. Amy was nowhere to be seen.
‘Amy,’ I hollered, moving from left to right and back again. ‘Amy, where are you?’
People were staring but I didn’t care.
‘Amy!’
A tap on my shoulder.
I spun around. They were stood in front of me: Paul holding Amy’s hand.
‘Amy.’ I couldn’t disguise the anger in my voice. ‘Who were you talking to?’
‘When?’ Her gaze tipped downwards.
‘Back there, next to the ride. I was trying to get your attention.’ I pointed to the rollercoaster.
‘No one.’ Amy shook her head.
‘What do you mean no one? I saw you.’
She shook her head again and pushed her fisted hands into her coat pockets, like she was trying to hide something.
‘What have you got there?’ I grabbed her hand and prised her fist open. A red lolly fell to the ground. ‘Where did you get this, then?’
‘For God’s sake, Sophie, leave her alone. It’s just a lolly,’ Paul said, taking my arm and jamming his fingers firmly into my coat and skin. ‘She’s here, I’m here, and that’s all that matters now.’
I let go of her and Paul continued to hang onto me, his fingers hot on my chilled skin.
Through clenched teeth, I said, ‘Do you mind?’
Paul released my sleeve and gave me a withering look. My head pounded with the onset of a headache.
