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“I don’t owe you an explanation.”
“No. That’s true. But the fact is I’m not giving up until I get one.”
M.J. recognized the determination on his dark features. How dare he back her into a corner? Why wouldn’t he just take no for an answer? Anger blazed through her. She was furious that he was putting her through this. She wanted him out of her house. And he might even leave. This time. But he’d be back. He had determination written all over him or he wouldn’t be here now. Somehow M.J. was aware that he wouldn’t leave her alone until he knew the reason she could no longer handle the job she’d once loved.
“An explanation?” She took a deep breath. “It’s called survival, Mr. Spencer. I simply can’t get wrapped up in a child. And that’s what it takes to reach them. It’s about dedication and focus. I can’t do it anymore.”
“Why?”
“I don’t have the heart. My son took it with him when he died.”
Chapter Two
G avin had no idea what he’d expected her to say, but that wasn’t it. Now he didn’t know what to say. Looking at the suffering in her eyes was like staring into a bottomless pool of pain.
If the antique oak table wasn’t between them, he was afraid he’d have taken her in his arms. “Look, M.J., I know how you feel—”
“No, Gavin.” Her voice was brittle, as if she could shatter at any moment. She gripped the curved back of the oak chair in front of her until her knuckles turned white. “You couldn’t possibly understand how I feel because you still have your son.”
She was right. Sean’s accident had opened a very small window into what it would have been like to lose him, but fortunately it slammed shut and he still had his boy. Any comfort he could offer seemed pathetically inadequate, however sincere.
So he didn’t offer any. “What happened to him?”
“Brian,” she said. “His name was Brian.”
“Brian.” He nodded. “Tell me about him.”
A small smile touched her lips. “He was a sweet boy. Quiet. Sensitive. Smart.”
“Was he ill?”
Something in her expression said that would almost have been easier. “He was hit by a car. He ran out into the street after his ball. The driver couldn’t stop in time.”
Gavin nodded as the thought hovered in his mind.
Who was watching him? But he couldn’t ask. It was an accident. And he’d bet ever since it happened she’d been asking herself enough questions when she wasn’t torturing herself with “if onlys.”
That was something he could understand. If only Sean hadn’t fallen on the rocks. If only he hadn’t hit his head. If only… Sean could be his normal, active self.
But he couldn’t. That’s why Gavin was here. “It must be a comfort to have your mother. And Brian’s father—”
For an instant her mouth tightened and something hot and harsh flashed through her eyes. “My husband died less than six months later. He wasn’t ill, either,” she said. “Car accident.”
“I’m sorry.” The words came out before he could stop them.
Fate really had her in its crosshairs and her expression said sorry didn’t begin to help. It also made him think that there was much more she wasn’t saying. Any or all of which was none of his business. Not that he didn’t care. He wasn’t a heartless bastard. But he wasn’t here to rub her nose in the pain or to make her feel bad about the devastating losses she’d endured. His purpose was to secure the help his son needed to get his life back.
“Look, M.J., you’re right. I have no idea how you feel. I can’t begin to understand. And, to be brutally frank, I don’t want to know. I came dangerously close to losing my son and that was enough.”
“I’m sure that was difficult.” Her grip on the chair eased.
“The time he spent in a coma was hell. Not knowing if he would live or die was torture.”
“I can imagine.”
And he knew she could. He could imagine that she wished to be in his shoes right now—to have the chance with her own child to bring him back from an injury. Maybe empathy would help him get through to her.
“Sean needs your help,” he said simply.
“My answer is still the same. I’m sorry.”
He was right about the words being pathetically inadequate. “I’m sorry” was the polite thing for her to say, yet it made him irrationally angry. Frustration gathered inside him and threatened to blow the lid off his temper as he tried to figure out what it would take to get through to her.
He glanced around the kitchen as if he’d find the answer there. The white appliances were spotlessly clean, but not very new. Old in fact. Wooden oak cupboards showed bare wood yellowed with age and in urgent need of refinishing. Faded yellow paint covered the walls and in the nook where the table sat, he could see chipping.
When he’d driven up to the front door, the Victorian had charmed him with its wraparound porch and turret. Then he’d looked closer and noticed shingles missing from the peaked roof and a loose section of railing that could use repair as well as a new coat of white paint.
Gavin looked at M.J. Her hair was pulled up, away from her face and fastened with a large clip, revealing a long graceful neck and good cheekbones. Again she was wearing slacks—black this time, with a long-sleeved cotton blouse, inexpensive and serviceable.
He raked his fingers through his hair. “Look, if it’s about money…”
The term “got her back up” entered his mind. Her reaction was nearly imperceptible, but he’d swear her spine turned to steel. Or maybe he was just watching carefully because money had made him a target more than once. But the word “money” had definitely put a defensive look in her eyes, just for a moment, and her chin inched a bit higher. But she didn’t respond.
“I can pay you well.” He heard the guarded note in his own voice. He’d paid off a woman once. She’d deliberately gotten pregnant. Oh, he’d been a willing participant, but she’d lied about taking the pill. She’d threatened to terminate the pregnancy unless he paid her. He had because the life she carried was part of him. How such a mercenary, devious witch had produced a sweet-natured innocent like Sean he would never understand. But he’d fallen in love with his son at first sight and would do anything, pay anything, to bring him back. “Name your price.”
“It’s not about money, Gavin.”
“In what fantasyland? It’s always about money. Anyone could see I’m desperate. Why wouldn’t you manipulate the situation to get more out of me?”
“You couldn’t be more wrong.”
“Everyone has a price,” he snapped.
“That’s quite a cynical attitude you’ve got there.” She folded her arms over her chest as she observed him with her cool blue eyes.
“I earned it. School of hard knocks. You should know all about that,” he said, looking at her shiner.
“I’m going to make an educated guess.” Absently she touched her fingers to her cheekbone. “Your wife took you for a bundle. Frankly, instead of trying to tempt me with more money, you’d be better off channeling those bucks into better legal counsel. Next time get a prenuptial agreement.”
“There were no nuptials so an agreement was never an issue. But I don’t intend to let my guard down again.”
“That’s the first thing you’ve said that I can relate to.”
He had no interest in relating to her and didn’t give a damn whether or not she would trust again. That hinted at problems with her husband and the man was gone. The two of them wouldn’t get a chance to work out their issues. Gavin wasn’t unsympathetic. He simply didn’t have time to waste. All he wanted was to hire her for his son’s therapy.
He let out a long breath and willed himself to patience. “It doesn’t take a mental giant to see that you need the money. I have lots of it. I can pay you extremely well for your expertise.” God, it sounded like he was begging, but if that would change her mind, he’d do it. “Just say the word, M.J.”
“I can’t.”
Two words, yet it sounded as if her heart was being ripped out. She’d told him that Brian had taken her heart, but Gavin didn’t understand why that kept her from doing the job that, by all accounts, she was extremely good at.
“Why can’t you? I would think your loss would motivate you, that you’d want to help injured children.”
“You arrogant, pigheaded idiot. How dare you?” Anger flashed in her eyes and it was better than the sorrow. “What gives you the right to judge me?”
“I’m not judging—”
“The hell you aren’t.” She glared at him. “Not that it’s any of your business, but it’s too painful to be around young children.”
“So it’s self-protection?”
“Partly. But there’s a clinical basis for my decision.”
“I don’t understand.”
“It’s simple really. I hold back emotionally. It’s a response to pain, like pulling your hand away from fire. I can’t connect with kids anymore—” She swallowed hard. “Whatever made me a good SLP is broken.”
SLP. Speech language pathologist. Gavin had done his homework on the subject. And Sean’s doctor had said she was the best. He needed her.
Correction: Sean needed her.
Gavin had seen her in action with teenagers. She’d found something positive to say about the two antisocial rebels. Whatever made her good with kids might be damaged, but he’d bet it wasn’t broken.
But he noticed she was even more pale than that day in her classroom and more shaken up than she’d been after going a couple rounds with Evil E and hardware face. Her mouth trembled and her eyes were haunted, the bruise on her cheek standing out starkly against the fair skin. He’d stirred the pot of her feelings and should regret it, but guilt was a luxury he couldn’t afford. Still, desperate as he was, it was clear that he’d pushed hard enough.
For now.
“I’d like to see for myself whether or not you’ve lost your edge.” He slid his wallet from his back pocket and saw her gaze narrow as she frowned. After pulling out a business card, he dropped it on the oak table.
“Do me a favor. Just think about it.” He walked past her and started toward the doorway.
“Do you ever say please, Gavin?”
“If it would change your mind I’d say it in a second.”
“It wouldn’t,” she said. “I just wondered. Goodbye.”
For now, he thought again.
M.J. set her steaming mug of green tea on the kitchen table, then sat down, unable to suppress a tired sigh. “It’s good to be home.”
Her mother set out three floral placemats followed by plates, napkins and utensils. While Evelyn set the table, Aunt Lil stirred something on the stove.
“Rough day?” her mother asked.
“Yes.” M.J. saw the frown and regretted her honesty.
“You look tired, sweetie.” Evelyn’s mouth tightened with disapproval.
“I am.” And not all of it was about the energy drain of educating teenagers. Some of it had to do with not sleeping well, and that was Gavin Spencer’s fault.
How dare he dredge up all the painful memories? She’d worked hard the past two years, not to forget because that wouldn’t happen, but to make herself remember the good things. To keep Brian alive in her heart. But it wasn’t just about her memories. The dashing Mr. Spencer was disturbing, his intensity unsettling. He was alternately challenging and charming. But she refused to be charmed.
Her mother set a trivet in front of her on the table. “M.J., I don’t know why you refuse to take a less stressful, permanent position. It’s not like the school district has an abundance of teachers.”
“There’s a need for educators on every level,” M.J. admitted.
She remained on the substitute list because the per diem scale actually netted her more money. The downside was a different classroom every day. Except she was a permanent sub until the teacher she’d replaced returned from maternity leave.
“But sometimes I think the kids would learn just as well from a Sumo wrestler.” She remembered Gavin saying she needed pepper spray and self-defense lessons. Today she agreed with him.
“What did the little stinkers do this time?” her mother asked.
“The usual. Not turning off cell phones. Someone with a camera phone trying to take a picture underneath an unsuspecting girl’s skirt.”
“Today’s technological equivalent of sticking pigtails in the inkwell?” her mother asked wryly.
M.J. grinned. “Sort of. But what pushed me over the edge was the boy who jumped on his desk and let out a Tarzan yell during a test.”
“It’s too bad they won’t let you smack knuckles with a ruler anymore. There’s something to be said for corporal punishment and the old days.” Evelyn nodded sagely.
“Now we send them to the dean of discipline,” M.J. explained, feeling inadequate for not being able to deal with the situation. “But it’s not fair to the other students when a teacher can’t teach because one bozo disrupts the entire class.”
Evelyn frowned. “I suppose. But I can’t help wondering if you took a job in a different school things might be better.”
M.J. was grateful when she was spared the need to lie because Aunt Lil walked over with a big container of split pea soup. She was older than her sister, a shorter version with blond hair and hazel eyes. Both were technically spinsters since neither of them had ever married. But unlike Evelyn, Lillian had never had children. She’d been like a second mother to M.J., a more diplomatic, less judgmental version.
“It’s soup weather. March comes in like a lion, out like a lamb,” Aunt Lil said. After setting down the large tureen, she automatically rubbed her wrist.
“Is your arm bothering you, Aunt Lil?”
The older woman smiled, a spunky look in her eyes as she held up her arm. “I could predict a cold front with these bones.”
“I’m sure it’s arthritis,” her mother said.
“You should have let me know you wanted the soup on the table,” M.J. said. “I’d have carried it over for you.”
Guilt squeezed M.J. because she was responsible for the injury that had resulted in the arthritis. Years ago her aunt had tripped over something M.J. hadn’t put away as ordered, and fell, breaking her wrist. M.J. had never seen her mother so angry and still remembered the lecture.
Good girls always clean up their messes. M.J. was doing just that as a substitute teacher. It was the best solution to her current financial mess because she simply couldn’t go back to her career. And she was getting tired of explaining herself. A little over a week ago, she’d had a similar conversation with Gavin Spencer regarding her substitute teacher status. He’d been curious about why she refused a permanent assignment, too.
“There are advantages to a permanent teaching position, sweetie,” her mother said, without missing a beat in picking up the thread of the conversation. “I should think knowing the good, bad and ugly about your students would take the edge off some of the stress.”
“I’m fine, Mom. There is no edge.”
Gavin had stood right here in this kitchen and said he’d like to see for himself whether or not she’d lost her edge as an SLP. She couldn’t help admiring his determination to move heaven and earth to help his son. And she’d half expected him to show up again either here or at the high school. At the very least she’d figured he would phone her to renew his demand. But she hadn’t heard a word.
The disappointment trickling through her was a surprise and made her feel particularly stupid. She should be relieved. Especially because memories of the intensity in his dark eyes gave her an odd, tight feeling around her heart. He was charismatic and persistent, a combination that would get him what he wanted with most people—women especially. But not with her.
