From Anxiety To Poetry

From Anxiety To Poetry

Simon Read

© Simon Read, 2023

ISBN 978-5-0060-6710-3

Created with Ridero smart publishing system

From Anxiety to Poetry

Anxiety: those debilitating periods when time stops, and your head and stomach are bursting with exponentially negative and spiralling thoughts and feelings of chaos, doom, and sickness. When darkness unexpectedly and rapidly descends, the world closes in, and your senses are overwhelmed by the impending catastrophe graphically imagined and entertained in every minutia by your overanxious mind. When your ability to function in any capacity resembling normality completely breaks down and you’re frozen to the spot, unable to think, unable to process the consequences of an event that has, or perhaps never will, happen. When no one can reach you because you’re pinned and immobilised under an immense burden of dread at the bottom of a deep chasm of despair that no one else sees.

I have suffered with anxiety (the kind that’s the constant and general worry and fear about everything) for as long as I can recall. It’s there with me the moment I wake, when I go to bed and for most of the time in-between. In 2022, I became interested in poetry and decided to give it a try; not as a deliberate exercise to improve my mental health, but simply as a casual distraction from the day-to-day grind of life in my late forties. Without any conscious decision or forethought, the context of my writing immediately started channelling my anxiety-ridden thoughts, probably because my mind was always so full of them. Very soon, thinking about rhymes and poems and writing them down became a natural and comfortable outlet for my anxious energies so that they could be gently coaxed out and calmly dispersed and not suddenly explode and violently overwhelm me. The simple and cathartic acts of both thinking and writing have been enough at most times in this past year to slow down the anxiety process in me such that I may manage it, rather than have it consume me.

These two hundred or so poems are simply concentrated distillations of my observations, thoughts, and feelings, at the instance of their creation. Some are very sombre, some are personifications of nature’s elements (a very relatable theme that I very much enjoyed exploring), some are simple experiments in wordplay, rhyme, syllables, symmetry, and alliteration, and a small few are intentionally humorous. I’ll let you decide which is which.

Wherever you find these poems on the mood spectrum of dark, grey, or light, I hope that you may be able to relate to some of them in some small way. Furthermore, I strongly encourage you to start creating poetry as an outlet for expressing and releasing your own anxious energies – should they exist within you. Perhaps, through thinking and writing about your own feelings, thoughts, and observations over a sustained period of time, you will be able to include poetry as an invaluable addition to your own mental health wellbeing, just like I have.

11th May 2022

“Pause Life’s race…”

Pause Life’s raceAs distant childhood’s recalledOf innocence, splendour, and wonder.When did you loseAll those magical dreamsAnd allow your thoughts to languish so sombre?13th May 2022

“A machine is leverage…”

A machine is leverageA mechanismA catalyst employed to some ends.But don’t compare it with meA humanFor we are not friends.It is soulless iron, plasticAnd void.I am flesh with bloodHope with despairAlive, not android.And yet all love is lostWithin meSomewhere.14th May 2022

“Stalling on another standby…”

Stalling on another standbyFor another wasted causeIn the waiting room of lifeIn my own repetitive pause.Waiting for an unlikely letterCommitting every hope to feel better.And when one finally arrivesHow all despairs swiftly departLike a treacherous love affairHow hope corrupts my shallow heart.16th May 2022

“Devoid of inspiration…”

Devoid of inspirationDeprived imaginationSeven syllable rhymingSuch easy application.18th May 2022

“Retracing mindful walks…”

Retracing mindful walksWithin leafy woodsThe rattle of spat rainOn rusted tin roofs.I’m just passing the timeAnd recalling the pastTreasuring fading memoriesThat were never meant to last.18th May 2022

“There’s a kindly old lady…”

There’s a kindly old ladyWorking in the MetroAnd our journeys can cross frequently.We occasionally converseIn our very own languagesAnd we always get on rather pleasantly.18th May 2022

“The little girl plump in her swaddling winter clothes…”

The little girl plump in her swaddling winter clothesStared solemnly into the dark rain puddlesCould she reflect on Narcissus’ troubled woes?No, but she could blow the very best’ist of bubbles.19th May 2022

“I ask of myself what is happening?..”

I ask of myself what is happening?I retort with only the passage of my timeWith each passing day its pace is quickeningAnd every drop that I waste is a crime.20th May 2022

“To wake up devoid of anxiety…”

To wake up devoid of anxietyWhat a splendid feeling that might beLife no longer monochrome but colourfulAnd one day to live feeling well and wonderful.21st May 2022

“Descending slowly yet ceaselessly…”

Descending slowly yet ceaselesslyOld pulsing orange lamps gliding bySwallowed down and down ominouslyThe deep cavern venting a soft sigh.Enveloping fug, so humid and heavyWhispering echoes, resentful and wary.Approaching swift and menacinglyOld blurring spectres solidifyGathered round and round curiouslyThe deep cavern means to terrify.Enveloping fug, so humid and heavyWhispering echoes, resentful and wary.Taking flight bolting desperatelyOld groaning cracked pillars blocking skyFractured chaotic fragilityThe deep cavern roars a silent cry.Enveloping fug, so humid and heavyWhispering echoes, resentful and wary.22nd May 2022

“For every dream that dies…”

For every dream that diesAnother one survivesFor every hope that failsAnother one prevails.Go seek nature’s richesInvest in her wherewithalAnd the world’s not such a bad placeTo be in after all.22nd May 2022

“Enjoying a precious pause…”

Enjoying a precious pauseJust my dog for companyNot searching for a deeper causeSimply being and very happily.22nd May 2022

“I have never risked to live on there…”

I have never risked to live on thereThough on it I sleep every nightWhich of these is the biggest dare?The edge of my bed, or the edge of my life?23rd May 2022

“Trapped in over-thought of over-anxious thinking…”

Trapped in over-thought of over-anxious thinkingMind racing and diving into darkness sinking.Focus fades and panic prevailsHope departs and life derails.A breeze then embraces me to awake me from this tranceWhy does life lead me on such a capricious dance?24th May 2023

“Striding forth with a purpose so clear…”

Striding forth with a purpose so clearOnly to stop suddenlyMislaying the thought that had once been so nearClarity recedes into mystery.24th May 2022

“So many faces passing by today…”

So many faces passing by todayEach one a fleeting life unfoldingEveryone with words unique to sayAll briefly stepping through life’s door revolving.25th May 2022

“How innocent the sweet daisies grow…”

How innocent the sweet daisies growTowards the sun, in rain, through snowTheir short lives abrupt and brutally cutIn a world of utter madness corrupt.26th May 2022

“The world’s gone mad…”

The world’s gone madHumanity is slainDecency has diedLife’s all to be in vain.27th May 2022

“A warm breeze gently scatters the sand…”

A warm breeze gently scatters the sandA heat-hazed horizon blurs sky with landA nearby cricket and a distant birdThe only sounds that can be heard.Lush seas of tall grass ripple and swayDried oceans of blonde barley and hayBaked clay paths snake far out of sightA lonely cloud briefly softens the light.28th May 2022

“How cheery we shall be…”

How cheery we shall bePreparing for World War ZeeStoring sacks of pastaTo consume during disaster.Studying survival tipsTo outlast an apocalypseNo more jolly recreationOnly impending annihilation.Just time to make a cup of teaBefore arrives the next zombieBut Bourbons we’ll forgoThere’s a war on don’t you know!Deadhead the undead carefullyAnd keep them off the rockery!Don’t mind the bodies decomposingProvides for plentiful composting.29th May 2022

“It’s lovely outside…”

It’s lovely outsideBut I’m stuck in hereIn my headBy my own fear.The sun is shiningThe door’s ajarBut I can’t escapeThe leap’s too far.People laughingFriends I knowInvite me outBut I can’t goIt’s lovely outside,But I’m torn in two,I deserve a break,With so much to do.It was lovely outside,The sun I saw,Through the window,Now shut the door!31st May 2022

“Summer turns to autumn…”

Summer turns to autumnTired leaves fallDeep water blackensAnd you don’t call.Autumn turns to winterFlowers wilt and dieCold snow deepensAnd you don’t reply.Winter turns to springBaby ducks so smallNature starts overAnd you don’t call.Spring turns to summer,Ducklings learn to flyAnother year passesAnd you don’t reply.31st May 2022

“On Christmas Eve when I was ten…”

On Christmas Eve when I was tenI watched the A-Team with my friendNo thoughts of yuletide festivityWe were both in awe of Mr. T.Not ones to suffer from any self-doubtThe A-Team always found their way outA formidable force we all did agreeAnd the strongest of all was Mr. T.1st June 2022

“I read some Albert Camus…”

I read some Albert CamusTo learn about absurdityBut I didn’t make any breakthroughIsn’t that just the irony!1st June 2022

“Filling with sadness…”

Filling with sadnessSlipping to madnessSat up in bedThoughts spinning my head.Every night at 3 amRegular as clockworkInfuriating thought mayhemOverrunning mind-work.Sisyphus toilsHead spunBlood boilsExhaustion.3 then 2 then 1Then noneNo hours leftBloody day has come!2nd June 2022

“«What’s my purpose?» The boy asked the breeze…”

«What’s my purpose?» The boy asked the breeze«Go to the woods and amongst the treesSeek the Blue Fairy for She will knowThe meaning of life and your path to follow.»The Wind replied in the boy’s anxious mindAnd steered him gently so that he could findThe bluest fairy in the deepest dark woodsAnd show him the road from child to manhood.2nd June 2022

“He dreamt of brightness…”

He dreamt of brightnessBut at sunriseHe found only darknessAnd tormented skies.He dreamt of beautyBut in the dayHe found only uglinessAnd relentless decay.He dreamt of laughterBut at sunsetHe found only sadnessAnd endless regret.5th June 2022

“Summer’s here…”

Summer’s hereThe forecast liedFor when I go outIt’s raining outside.Summer’s hereThe radio saidBut when I go outIt rains on my head.Summer’s hereThe songbirds singAnd so I go outBut it’s still raining.Summer’s hereBut the rain’s incessantSo I’ll write poetryFor my antidepressant.5th June 2022

“Stray not near the lake…”

Stray not near the lakeFor its dark depths concealA ravenous mermaidIn search of a meal.Stray not near the lakeWith thoughts of your hungerElse the ravenous mermaidShall drag you down under.7th June 2022

“The boy asked the tree…”

The boy asked the treeMarking the crossroad«Which way to follow?Which path am I showed?»The tree said wiselyFor it already knew«Go which way whereverThe Wind shall take you.»7th June 2022

“I always seem to get it wrong…”

I always seem to get it wrongKnowing which way I should stepWhen faced with oncoming peopleMove to my right or to their left?My choice is always incorrectAnd we mirror each other’s stanceIt could be so much jollierIf we would link our arms and dance.8th June 2022

“She asks me how my day was…”

She asks me how my day wasAnd when I start to sayShe’s immediately distractedAnd continues on her way.She asks me for my opinionAbout the news, a place, a songAnd when I tell her what I thinkShe responds with that I’m wrong.So don’t be surprised if I’m quietAnd do not think me unkindI’ve a feeling you won’t be interestedIn what’s going on in my mind.8th June 2022

“Life’s an absurd circus…”

Life’s an absurd circusWhen searching for a purposeOr some deity high aboveWhen what we need is only love.9th June 2022

“Feelings so sorrowful linger and last…”

Feelings so sorrowful linger and lastFor those forever far across the seaFeelings of regret for decisions pastFor love surrendered so permanently.10th June 2022

“Some people are so very loud…”

Some people are so very loudThey take up all the soundEveryone else made quieterTheir silent voices choked and drowned.12th June 2022

“Like lovers from a bygone time…”

Like lovers from a bygone timeThe water and willow still entwineThe old tree stretched to reach his loveThence embraced by her anointing glove.12th June 2022

“Along man’s time-worn castle wall…”

Along man’s time-worn castle wallSway dandelions in their ebb and flowBut which of these will be first to fall?Not nature’s craft – that much I know.13th June 2022

“At the water’s edge you’ll always find me…”

At the water’s edge you’ll always find meOn a secluded riverbank or by the open seaLost in thought yet found peace of mindNo past, no future, and all worries left behind.15th June 2022

“I wonder if I am invisible?..”

I wonder if I am invisible?It sometimes seems it’s that wayMy letters don’t get a replyMy voice gets lost in life’s lay-byDoes no-one hear what I say?I wonder if I am invisible?It sometimes seems it’s that wayMy politeness is ignoredMy manners make you visibly boredDoes no-one see me today?15th June 2022

“Sleep!..”

Sleep!I’m so very tired of youBecause you never stay for longAnd if only I knewThe I trials I must doTo right this wearisome wrong.15th June 2022

“The moment of waking where…”

The moment of waking whereDreams are ousted by realityAnd senses abruptly registerThat somebody is observing me.The witching hour opaque and stillParalysed by my own frightEyes straining in the dark revealA figure cloaked in pale moonlight.Her face so sad, a young girl’s starePierces my heart and far beyondA ghost of whom she’s unawareTo her am I, and then she’s gone.16th June 2022

“She has two hands…”

She has two handsBut cannot holdShe likes to tellBut can’t be told.She measures somethingWe often lackShe goes only forwardsAnd She never looks back.17th June 2022

“The ebb and flow of each gentle wave…”

The ebb and flow of each gentle waveAs they stroke and caress the smooth sandThe rhythm and pulse of sweet hiss and soft crackleWhen silvery water kisses golden land.18th June 2022

“Should life for me some purpose hold…”

Should life for me some purpose holdPray enlighten what it could beI wish I wasn’t becoming so oldYet my purpose remaining a mystery.18th June 2022

“«And how was your day?»…”

«And how was your day?»The small dog was asked«Busy, I would say.»As he recounted his past.«A few hours at home with no company saveAn old radio and my best intent to behave,Well I should probably startBy explaining the messAnd though it wasn’t my faultI should probably confess,How the bin emptied itself I just wouldn’t know,So I left you a present to soften the blow.»19th June 2022

“The trees gently shook their delicate leaves…”

The trees gently shook their delicate leavesTo announce the sudden arrival of the WindAnd along the avenue She softly breezedUntil She found and enveloped him.«Why come now?» He asked Her afraid«I can do this myself. I don’t need you.»«My Love,» she sighed, «Such a mess you’ve made,Of your life. But together we will start it anew.»19th June 2022

“Caught betwixt the Devil and the deep blue sea…”

Caught betwixt the Devil and the deep blue seaWhat manner of ailments strive to suppress me?Should the tiniest of morsels pass through my lipsMy stomach cries pain as if becoming bewitched.And if no consumption of food I shall makeI will suffer the torture of the Devil’s headache.20th June 2022

“Are those your footsteps that I can hear?..”

Are those your footsteps that I can hear?Each night I lay my head to sleepAre you the Death I do not fear?In search of my spent soul to keep.20th June 2022

“During the night…”

During the nightShe had become the StormHer beauty veiledBy Her malevolent form.And filled with such rageShe would harness the weatherAnd smash the skies, the sea, and the earthAll together.20th June 2022

“I wondered how many different souls…”

I wondered how many different soulsHad lived before me between these wallsAnd had once been loved or had cried out in painAnd then faded away to be seen never again.22nd June 2022

“The Wind lifted the iron-grey sea…”

The Wind lifted the iron-grey seaTo hurl against the shoreAnd She assaulted the weary landLike She had never done before.It is true that Hell hath no furyLike a woman when once scornedAnd the Wind, She raged all through the nightTil the breaking of the wounded dawn.22nd June 2022

“Sitting on a bench…”

Sitting on a benchTrying to think about my stuffThough my tired mind saysIts really had enough.Oh, sod trying to alwaysThink everything right through!Just this once I’ll relaxAnd take in a pleasant view.23rd June 2022

“Welcome, come in and sit with me my friend…”

Welcome, come in and sit with me my friendI wasn’t expecting to see you just yetIt’s been a while, and we’re together againThough I secretly wish that we never had met.25th June 2022

“Equilibrium on this day…”

Equilibrium on this dayIs observing the bluest skyThrough a swaying leaf canopyAnd pondering just how highGod might beAnd do They observe me?26th June 2022

“Charlotte looks out from her world through her tears…”

Charlotte looks out from her world through her tearsAnd through the slim gap she has made between netsShe hasn’t recognised the outside for so many yearsFor her heart still remembers losses past and regrets.Should a neighbour pass by and steal a sorrowful glanceInto her sanctuary Charlotte retreats with her shameYet the stranger only hopes she might take that slim chanceTo escape from her prison and step outside once again.26th June 2022

“The black water shatters…”

The black water shattersInto sparkling splintersWhen the swan pair arriveIn the waning of Winter.The Ice King and Snow QueenImperial husband, majestic wifePurest elegance, and loyaltyPaired eternally in immortal life.28th June 2022

“Worrying you’ve not locked the front door…”

Worrying you’ve not locked the front doorThough you know you checked it thrice and again.Believing that you’re an irrelevant boreWhen your messages are never read by a friend.Panicking when you finally make it outsideBecause you’re sure you’ll be met with derisionCatastrophising that even going for a driveWill inevitably end in catastrophic collision.28th June 2022

“So tired of the endless madness…”

So tired of the endless madnessTearing my soul apartSo tired of the eternal sadnessCrushing my grieving heart.28th June 2022

“And just like that old age abruptly arrived…”

And just like that old age abruptly arrivedYouth vanished like the vision of a ghostWhat once came effortlessly is now deniedWhat once was wasted is now yearned for most.28th June 2022

“I know you are near…”

I know you are nearClose to my sideStanding with meCaressing my hair.

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