Letters of Not Lite

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Got fucking mashed at Bikel’s gig last night. Threw up outside some dick’s tent! Psyched for Maybelle Carter. Already drinkin’ #Newport65

@BeatBoy

Heard a rumour The Weavers might do a surprise show. I’ll lose my shit if they show up. #Newport65

@Jojo

@BeatBoy Heard that too! Totally gonna happen! Fucking Weavers! #FuckingWeavers

@Ginny

Hey! Can someone get me backstage? I just gotta meet Peter Yarrow, he’s dreamy. #Newport65

@KlownCar

@Bodge Hey dude where you at? I’m in the acoustic tent.

@Bodge

@KlownCar They are all acoustic, dumbass.

@Venereal

Boo! Boo! Booooooooo! #DylanSux #Newport65

@Rodlles

My wife is in tears. As am I. #FolkisDead #DylanSux #Newport65

@Bloodless

His career is over. This is the last you’ll hear of Bob Dylan. #DylanSux

@Fondo

Appaz Seeger’s going crazy backstage with an axe! #Newport65

@FineFolkFan

@Fondo Good! He can cut these long hairs hair while he’s at it. #DylanSux #Newport65

@Drestles

Did you hear Paul Anka died? #AnkaRIP

@LibbySez

I quite like it #DylanDoesntSuck

@NoSanta

@LibbySez Women will never understand the intricacies of folk music. #DylanSux

@CleftMallet

Next year I’m going to stay at home and wait for the album to come out. #DylanSux

@Magoo

Thank Christ that’s over. #Newport65 #DylanSux

@MelloTunez

Think I’m going to puke #Newport65

@MikeBloomfield

Yeah! Fucking nailed it! See you next year Newport! #Newport65

@Walington

@MikeBloomfield Sir, if you mean the coffin of great folk music, then yes, you certainly did nail it.

@pseeger

Many apologies. Refunds will be available from the lady at the booth. #Newport65

@pseeger

And I did not have an axe! It was my lucky percussion hatchet.

@Walt666

That was the single most horrific thing that has or will ever happen at an American music festival. #DylanSux

@Quango

Wish it had been Dylan rather than the late great Paul Anka #AnkaRIP

@Ginny

@PeteYarrow Pete! Really sorry about that! Didn’t mean to get so crazy! Can you msg me? #SORRY!

A note from Alexander Graham Bell’s business manager (#ulink_313e9985-e504-553e-9659-00703a3ee405)

Dearest Alexander,

Don’t feel downhearted. I know that interest and funding for your new device has been scant so far. But I am sure that once its attributes have been fully appreciated by open-minded people, then patronage will surely follow and it is bound to revolutionise the world of communications.

I felt our meeting today was particularly trying. I had it on good authority that Mr Towne was interested in investing and I thought he would have been more impressed by our presentation. But it was obviously not to be and again our efforts were futile. With this in mind, I wonder if a different approach might be called for?

I understand how disappointing it must be for you, enduring these continually fruitless meetings. But I did note today (and I think the estimable Mr Towne felt it also) that a distinct ennui overcame you when discussing the merits of the device.

I’m not a man of fine words, Alexander, but let me attempt to explain myself. It seemed to me as if you were not really trying particularly hard when presenting our prospectus and were merely going through the motions, as it were, without due care or attention. Oh dear, I’m really not sure if I’m getting my point across adequately. I can’t quite seem to find the right expression for what I wish to impart.

What I’m trying to say is I felt you were making a modicum of effort but were not fully invested in the pitching speech. It wasn’t the full-bodied approach I have previously seen you give, but rather a lifeless, ill-defined, subdued version of what I’ve witnessed. It was performed in something of a lacklustre manner, as if the results simply didn’t matter at all.

How best to put this? Again, I feel my words fail me. Perhaps there is no phrase to perfectly describe exactly what I’m trying to say. But let us regroup before our next investor presentation and have a bit of a pep talk. Obviously, I believe wholeheartedly in your invention and in you, Alexander, but I feel it would be to our advantage to avoid another sub-standard, middling effort exhibiting the lowest amount of energy required to get our message across. I wish I could explain myself better, perhaps with your inventing skills you could create a word for that also?

Yours,

Anthony Pollok

A publisher writes to Geoffrey Chaucer (#ulink_f5b02620-251b-5d72-94cd-aed7023c2a84)

14th February 1394

Dear Mr Chaucer,

Thank you so much for letting us have a look at your book The Canterbury Tales. We are returning the manuscript to you at this time.

Even though this is the first writing I have ever encountered in the English language and indeed the first book I have ever actually seen, I have to say I found the whole thing rather derivative.

I just didn’t fully engage with the premise.

All of the main characters suddenly finding themselves together in one location and proceeding to conduct a storytelling competition?

Though this is the first written story I have ever seen, it seemed a bit of a stretch and it was too trite and convenient for me. If there were people around who could actually read at this time, I feel that readers would find it difficult to stomach this plot device. I imagine that the two or three religious types and noblemen who have actually achieved literacy would want to see more of themselves in the story, as opposed to this scattershot approach where Millers, Pardoners and Wives of Bath suddenly converge and begin spinning yarns so readily.

And setting it in an inn is an enormous mistake. Even though the common man in our times only visits taverns, churches or their own hut, the setting completely alienates the teen market that is so important these days thanks to the exceptionally low life expectancy. Maybe try a blacksmith as an alternative? Everyone likes blacksmiths.

The ‘low grade’ humour that was on display was my main concern with the work. These are sophisticated times, Geoffrey. Medicine has proven that we are controlled by a number of humours that provoke illness when imbalanced. Many serfs now employ the use of a rudimentary wooden plough that can sort of move field soil in almost three days. And now one in fourteen of our infants survive childbirth. This level of development should be reflected in our culture. Bottom kissing, sphincter singeing and anal shenanigans do not suit these enlightened times.

There is a lot to commend the work and I don’t want you to get downhearted. The fact that it is a book at all, where there aren’t really any other books in existence, is definitely a plus point. Could I beseech you to attempt a rewrite based on these thoughts? I know there aren’t any other works around to compare it to, but perhaps you could take a look at what other authors are producing and see what’s popular in the market. It’s almost certainly going to be The Bible, so what about something like that? But without the religious overtones? And less farting?

Thanks again for letting us look at it. Hope your plague clears up soon.

Leonard Beauclerc

Random Dwelling Publishers

Only Street

Southwark

Brian Eno’s discarded oblique strategies (#ulink_d64ab86a-fca6-52fb-96fa-69db1950aad3)

BE AN ONION

HOLD YOUR NERVE LIKE YOU’RE HOLDING A CHINAMAN’S BALLS

TURN YOUR ANSWERS SIDEWAYS

TURN THAT FROWN UPSIDE DOWN

TURN YOUR TOOLS UPSIDE DOWN (NOT DRILLS)

IS IT GOD-AWFUL?