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Letters of Not
Dale Shaw
A collection of remarkable and completely made-up correspondence from the great and the good across history.Many books have collated the exceptional letters and personal writing of the famous, offering a fascinating insight into well-known figures’ personal lives and hidden desires. But what of the undistinguished epistles of the renowned? Can their less auspicious musings divulge clues to their hopes and ambitions? Probably not. But they can be quite funny.‘Letters of Not’ assembles the fictional jotted dross that was never before considered worthy of collection. The Post-it notes, the shopping lists, the failed limericks and the birthday card sentiments of history’s most celebrated sons and daughters.Inside you will find:Werner Herzog’s impassioned note to his cleaning ladyPatti Smith’s gym applicationCaptain Scott’s other last letter to his wifeSalvador Dali’s to do listMark E. Smith’s audio tour of Ripon CathedralHarold Pinter greetings cardsPope Benedict’s handover notesJames Joyce’s out of officeDr Heimlich’s other manoeuvreA letter from the table next to the Algonquin Round TableTweets from the 1966 Newport Folk FestivalInstructions on what to do when you meet Van MorrisonAnd many more, beautifully rendered in their original, blatantly falsified glory and hilariously transcribed for your pleasure.
Copyright (#ulink_60ca5e1f-7043-5da2-b28b-da45e0e0a6d9)
The Friday Project
An imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers
77–85 Fulham Palace Road
Hammersmith, London W6 8JB
www.harpercollins.co.uk (http://www.harpercollins.co.uk)
First published by The Friday Project in 2014
Copyright © Dale Shaw
Text and image design by We Are Laura
Dale Shaw asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.
A catalogue copy of this book is available from the British Library.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publishers.
Source ISBN: 9780007533107
Ebook Edition © 2014 ISBN: 9780007533084
Version: 2014-10-02
Dedication (#ulink_bd52984a-93ac-5ce6-adf6-fe8901de6e0d)
Contents
Cover (#u11200180-018d-5dae-ad99-a727457ec1f3)
Title Page (#uddac66b2-b580-545f-bfb6-e0cd66e4060e)
Copyright (#uef90d3fb-dbde-5a2c-b779-ce020bfe985b)
Dedication (#uf7108d50-e2ce-5f21-9955-3e05309ab140)
Introduction (#udb7855b0-28e5-50f0-9609-49b5ae5899a5)
Dr Heimlich writes to a colleague (#u1079cf10-0dd9-5328-b3e9-969e7c03629b)
Werner Herzog’s note to his cleaning lady (#u576e14e9-ebab-5b5d-804e-f1f5484b35b0)
Lance Armstrong writes to a fan (#u4731456d-5fca-5e92-b874-4c3851fd13f9)
Pope Benedict XVI’s handover notes (#uad280e37-38e2-529c-a821-ec0171a42ed9)
William Burroughs rewrites the swimming pool rules (#uccdc4211-aa19-51f8-a8df-912f5c924eff)
A model writes to Auguste Rodin (#ue16dae60-2a57-55f5-8c42-6175b26d5322)
Lou Reed writes to a television producer (#u4ba9ec18-6d5a-5083-9c57-eeb1721ccdcc)
James Joyce’s Out of Office (#u92dfad9d-4918-52ae-bd88-5ef3d53e67a4)
Orson Welles’ suggestions for The Transformers: The Movie (#uea628b7e-0dae-5142-ac47-70c81f63b1bd)
A letter from a wise man (#u69d5c00b-68fe-5ad2-a133-94fa3420ff17)
A doctor writes to Lou Gehrig (#u1494e9e3-cb6b-5ec8-9928-be72c0da5072)
Tweets from the 1965 Newport Folk Festival (#uf1f03667-ae27-5ce9-b4d9-15ef993a2a48)
A note from Alexander Graham Bell’s business manager (#u0feb4cf7-6b6f-577f-a5ee-49da6a9bea0b)
A publisher writes to Geoffrey Chaucer (#litres_trial_promo)
Brian Eno’s discarded oblique strategies (#litres_trial_promo)
A Christmas round-robin from the Freud family (#litres_trial_promo)
Tim Berners-Lee’s World Wide Web development diary (#litres_trial_promo)
The head of the American Lizard Lovers Association writes to Jim Morrison (#litres_trial_promo)
Albert Einstein contacts a photographer (#litres_trial_promo)
Brian Jones’ hopes for the Rolling Stones (#litres_trial_promo)
A potential competition winner writes to Alfred Hitchcock (#litres_trial_promo)
Neil Armstrong’s letter home (#litres_trial_promo)
Letter from the table next to the Algonquin Round Table (#litres_trial_promo)
Information to all Pizza Archipelago employees on the arrival of Van Morrison (#litres_trial_promo)
Cormac McCarthy gives directions (#litres_trial_promo)
Wilbur Wright writes to his brother (#litres_trial_promo)
David Simon writes to HBO Enterprises (#litres_trial_promo)
Charles Darwin writes to his American publisher (#litres_trial_promo)
Anti Caligula Campaign ad (#litres_trial_promo)
The Mark E. Smith audio guide to Ripon Cathedral (#litres_trial_promo)
Jane Austen writes to a love rival (#litres_trial_promo)
Captain Scott’s other last letter to his wife (#litres_trial_promo)
An eviction notice from St Francis of Assisi’s landlord (#litres_trial_promo)
Patti Smith’s gym application (#litres_trial_promo)
Salvador Dali’s to do list (#litres_trial_promo)
A benefactor contacts Baden Powell (#litres_trial_promo)
Art Garfunkel writes to Vampire Weekend (#litres_trial_promo)
Joan of Arc’s note to her captors (#litres_trial_promo)
Notes for Bill Gates’ first High School reunion (#litres_trial_promo)
Edgar Allen Poe vs. The Baltimore Sanitation Department (#litres_trial_promo)
A lover replies to Vincent Van Gogh (#litres_trial_promo)
Biddy Baxter writes to a viewer (#litres_trial_promo)
Neil Young’s shopping list (#litres_trial_promo)
Agatha Christie’s jury duty notes (#litres_trial_promo)
Galileo gets a reply (#litres_trial_promo)
Gandhi writes to his dry cleaner (#litres_trial_promo)
Bo Diddley writes to his publicist (#litres_trial_promo)
Ivan Pavlov contacts his local pet store (#litres_trial_promo)
A letter from George Orwell’s publishers (#litres_trial_promo)
Harold Pinter moves into greeting cards (#litres_trial_promo)
Beatrix Potter tries to get an overdraft extension (#litres_trial_promo)
Acknowledgements (#litres_trial_promo)
About the Publisher (#litres_trial_promo)
INTRODUCTION (#ulink_9788ff6c-67cf-5a06-8491-d875c70c77bd)
April 2014
My friends.
I can’t quite remember why I decided to write a note purportedly from cult German film director Werner Herzog to his fictional cleaning lady. I know where I was: in the kitchen of my flat in Walthamstow, which I was eventually driven out of by an upstairs neighbour with an insatiable love of Speed Garage and lengthy Call of Duty sessions … but that’s another introduction entirely.
Being able to correctly identify the inspiration and mechanics involved in the moment of that letter’s construction would have come in handy when I had to write a book full of similar material (spoiler alert: It’s this book). But anyway, I couldn’t. Though the moment definitely happened, because I wrote the letter, had it rejected by someone, felt a bit sad, then wisely sent it to Sabotage Times, where it quickly ‘went viral’, as I believe the young people say. I had no idea people are as enamoured of Herzog as I am, but it seems the masses can’t get enough of that crazy Bavarian and his delightful antics. What baffled me most was the volume of readers who thought it was actually written by him. Even though, as Herzog himself pointed out in an interview, it had my name right next to it.
It seemed sensible to try again, so I went on to write ludicrous missives from other figures I have a healthy obsession with, including Mark E. Smith, Brian Eno, George Orwell, Neil Young and more Brian Eno (I love Brian Eno). Soon, I had unwittingly developed into, as writer Joel Morris put it, ‘the BBC4 version of Mike Yarwood’.
However, though a number of these collected letters have been seen before, circulating around the darker reaches of the internet, most are shiny and new. A few didn’t make the cut due to legal issues or for reasons of baffling obscurity. You can find some of these at lettersofnot.com (http://lettersofnot.com), where you can also send your complaints and gift baskets.
A hearty thanks to everyone included in the book who decided not to sue me. You are good eggs. To the others – see you in court.
Dale Shaw
P.S. Full disclosure – I was listening to Ram by Paul McCartney as I wrote this.
DR HEIMLICH’S NOTE TO A COLLEAGUE (#ulink_18bff589-138a-57f6-8783-be2912b228a9)
WERNER HERZOG’S NOTE TO HIS CLEANING LADY (#ulink_c41812e3-2d31-54c1-afb3-190cb3321e47)
Rosalina. Woman.
You constantly revile me with your singular lack of vision. Be aware, there is an essential truth and beauty in all things. From the death throes of a speared gazelle to the damaged smile of a freeway homeless. But that does not mean that the invisibility of something implies its lack of being. Though simpleton babies foolishly believe the person before them vanishes when they cover their eyes during a hateful game of peek-a-boo, this is a fallacy. And so it is that the unseen dusty build up that accumulates behind the DVD shelves in the rumpus room exists also. This is unacceptable.
I will tell you this, Rosalina, not as a taunt or a threat but as an evocation of joy. The joy of nothingness, the joy of the real. I want you to be real in everything you do. If you cannot be real, then a semblance of reality must be maintained. A real semblance of the fake real, or ‘real’. I have conquered volcanoes and visited the bitter depths of the earth’s oceans. Nothing I have witnessed, from lava to crustacean, assailed me liked the caked debris haunting that small plastic soap hammock in the smaller of the bathrooms. Nausea is not a sufficient word. In this regard, you are not being real.
Now we must turn to the horrors of nature. I am afraid this is inevitable. Nature is not something to be coddled and accepted and held to your bosom like a wounded snake. Tell me, what was there before you were born? What do you remember? That is nature. Nature is a void. An emptiness. A vacuum. And speaking of vacuum, I am not sure you’re using the retractable nozzle correctly or applying the ‘full weft’ setting when attending to the lush carpets of the den. I found some dander there.
I have only listened to two songs in my entire life. One was an aria by Wagner that I played compulsively from the ages of 19 to 27 at least 60 times a day until the local townsfolk drove me from my dwelling using rudimentary pitchforks and blazing torches. The other was Dido. Both appalled me to the point of paralysis. Every quaver was like a brickbat against my soul. Music is futile and malicious. So please, if you require entertainment while organizing the recycling, refrain from the ‘pop radio’ I was affronted by recently. May I recommend the recitation of some sharp verse. Perhaps by Goethe. Or Schiller. Or Shel Silverstein at a push.
The situation regarding spoons remains unchanged. If I see one, I will kill it.
That is all. Do not fail to think that you are not the finest woman I have ever met. You are. And I am including on this list my mother and the wife of Brad Dourif (the second wife, not the one with the lip thing). Thank you for listening and sorry if parts of this note were smudged. I have been weeping.
Your money is under the guillotine.
Herzog.
LANCE ARMSTORONG WRITES TO A FAN (#ulink_210b6f89-3f98-556f-b776-e4572b9989d7)
25th July 1999
