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I awoke with a start that night, shivering and slightly damp because I had been sweating. The room was in darkness and I was trembling as I reached for the switch, flooding the corners with electric light. I was so thankful that my father had had electricity installed when he did up the house. I was shaking too badly to have lit the paraffin lamps that most people in the lanes still used upstairs, though they had gas downstairs.
The dream had been so vivid this time, and it had changed. I was no longer a little girl but a woman. The man who had threatened me had had no face, but I knew exactly how his eyes would look – open and staring as if he were dead.
Getting out of bed, I pulled on my dressing gown and slippers. I would never rest unless I made myself a warm drink and waited for the dream to fade.
I was just making a mug of cocoa in the kitchen when my father came in, also dressed in pyjamas and a comfortable old robe.
‘Did I wake you?’
‘I wasn’t asleep. Some nights I don’t sleep much any more, then I come down and make myself a drink.’
I looked anxiously at him. He wasn’t ill, was he? ‘Have some of mine. I’ve made enough for two. In the lodgings I shared in Bournemouth there was always someone to share it.’
‘Are you missing that? I know there isn’t much for you to do here, Amy.’
‘I think I should get a job, Daddy.’
‘There’s no need for you to do that. Unless you want to?’
‘As you said, there isn’t much for me to do here.’
‘Your mother thought you might like to help with the flowers for her stalls sometimes, what with you being good at artistic things. She sells quite a few of her arrangements these days. People come from all over to buy them. She has made quite a reputation for herself. I’ve offered to set her up in a shop but Bridget has always liked market trading.’
‘Yes, I know.’ I smiled at him, feeling a warm affection for this man who loved us all so much. He was so very special. ‘I don’t mind helping while I’m here.’
‘You’re thinking of going somewhere?’
‘Lainie wants me to live and work with her. It’s just until I get married, and the money would help Matthew buy his house. It’s the sort of shop I would enjoy working in, Dad, with a good clientele, and I can work on my designs in the evenings sometimes. It would only be until Matthew can afford to get married.’
‘I’ve told you I shall give you both a good wedding present. Matthew could set himself up in the shop he wants now if he wasn’t so stubborn. I should count it a privilege to help that young man’
‘You know he won’t let you. He wants to do it by himself. He’s so independent!’
‘Can’t say I disagree with the idea, Amy. I started with nothing. It’s the right way to be, but if you are unhappy …’
‘I had the dream again.’ I paused to sip my drink. ‘It was the first time for ages. I think it’s being here in the lanes.’
My father looked worried, then annoyed. ‘It was Ernie Cole who frightened you, Amy. He was drunk and he shouted at you, but that’s all that happened. Besides, he’s dead now. He can’t hurt you or your mother any more.’
Ernie Cole had tried to attack my mother some months previously, but Kathy Ryan had stopped him. He’d turned on her then, beating her senseless, and she’d been in hospital for weeks. Thankfully she had recovered and now she was married to my uncle, Tom O’Rourke, and living in America. Ernie Cole had hung himself over the banisters in his home.
‘I don’t remember Mr Cole shouting at me, Daddy. I’m not even sure it’s anything to do with that – it’s just the man with the staring eyes. And it’s different now.’
‘In what way different?’
‘I’ve grown up in the dream, and I don’t think it’s the same man. I can’t see his eyes or his face now, I just know he’s going to hurt me and there’s nothing I can do to stop him.’
‘Perhaps you should see a doctor, Amy. I mean a special one who helps people who have bad dreams.’
‘I’m not ill, Dad. Most of the time I’m happy and normal. I shan’t have the dream at Lainie’s. I never do.’
He was silent for a while and then he nodded. ‘I’ll speak to your mother. She won’t like it. I know she was looking forward to spending some time with you, perhaps buying a few things for your bottom drawer.’
‘We can still do that, Daddy. I don’t want to disappoint you or Mum. I’ll visit sometimes, and she can meet me up West for a shopping trip and lunch on my half day off – but I can’t live here, not all the time.’
My father sighed and finished his half of the cocoa.
‘You haven’t disappointed me, Amy. I want you to make something of your life, and I approve of Matthew. I just wish that he would let me help him get started. You will be safe married to that young man. I would rather you were married than living with Lainie.’
‘Matthew says it will be at least another year.’
‘Then I suppose I shall have to give my permission, but leave it to me, Amy. Your mother is bound to be upset, and I want to talk to her in my own way.’
‘Yes, of course, Daddy. You know I love you both. I don’t want to hurt either of you.’
‘Leave it with me.’
I nodded and finished my cocoa in silence. My father was a man of few words but you didn’t argue with him. When he said he would do something he did it, but you couldn’t hurry him.
I washed the mugs, leaving them clean and dried back on the stained pine dresser where I had found them. Everything in my mother’s kitchen was spotless and in its place, and she did most of the work herself. There was a woman who came in to scrub floors and clean windows, but my mother was always busy. When my father told her to rest, she laughed and shook her head.
‘I like to be busy, Joe. I was brought up to it and you won’t change me now.’
‘I wouldn’t want to change you, lass, but I don’t want you wearing yourself out.’
As I went back to bed I was anxious in case I had the dream again. However, the milky drink had done its work and within a short time I was asleep. If I had a dream this time it did not disturb me.
‘I don’t like the idea of you living with Lainie,’ my mother said, looking at me unhappily. ‘I know you’ll be safe enough with her. Lainie has promised me she will take care of you, but I still wish you would stay home with us.’
‘I’ll come and see you every week on my day off,’ I promised. ‘Please don’t say I can’t go, Mum. Lainie is going to pay me three pounds to start and more when I know what I’m doing.’
‘If it was only money …’
‘You know it isn’t, don’t you?’
My mother sighed and looked at me sadly. ‘Ernie Cole has a lot to answer for! I shall never forgive him for shouting at you that day, Amy. You were so frightened and I don’t know what would have happened if your father hadn’t come along when he did. It was because he hated me, of course.’
‘Why should Mr Cole hate you?’
‘It’s a long story. He wanted to marry me once but I wouldn’t look at him then. Then he got a girl into trouble and married her. I might have married him when I was ready if he hadn’t.’
‘I’m glad you didn’t!’
‘So am I,’ she said and smiled. ‘Very glad. Your father is the man for me. And he says we must let you go to Lainie’s, so I suppose we must. Just be careful, Amy. There are a lot of people you can’t trust, and they don’t all live in the lanes. Some of them look respectable and talk as if they’ve got a plum in their mouth, but underneath they are worse than the lowest scum.’
‘I’m not a little girl, Mum. I do know that some people aren’t what they seem. Besides, I’m in love with Matthew. I shan’t be going out with other men – respectable or not.’
‘I know you’re not a child, Amy.’ My mother laughed. She had a wonderful smile and most people who knew her loved her. ‘I expect I’m fussing too much, but you will be careful?’
‘I promise,’ I said and went to hug her. ‘I don’t want to hurt you, Mum. It’s just that I can’t live here, and I do need a job.’
‘I understand, darling. Your father and I just want to see you happy.’
‘It’s only for a year or so until Matthew saves enough for the house.’ I gave her a teasing look. ‘What can happen in a year? I’m not likely to get abducted by a white slaver, am I?’
‘Please don’t joke about such things!’ she said sharply. ‘You are so innocent, Amy. I shall be glad when you get married.’
Her tone and her look surprised me. It was unlike my mother to be so sharp, and for a moment she had looked almost frightened.
‘What have you been buying?’ Maggie Ryan stopped me in the street as I made my way home that evening. ‘You’re looking well, Amy. Are you home for good now?’
‘I’m not sure. I may go to stay with my aunt for a while. She’s offered me a job in her shop.’
‘Oh well, take care of yourself, love.’
Maggie nodded and went inside her house. She lived a few doors away from my parents and had been my mother’s friend for years. It was her daughter-in-law, Kathy, who had saved my mother from being attacked by Ernie Cole. Kathy’s first husband, Billy, had been killed in a fight with the police on the docks some months ago now.
I heard my parents talking in the kitchen when I went in. I had been to the market to see if there were any nice pictures on a stall that sold the work of unknown artists, and I had managed to buy a pretty view of a country cottage that I thought my mother might like.
‘You know why I’m worried, Joe,’ my mother was saying as I paused outside the door, which was slightly open. ‘Amy is so trusting. If he wanted to harm us …’
‘You worry too much, lass. The man could have caused trouble for us years ago if he had wanted. In my opinion he has forgotten we ever existed. That business is over and done with. Put it right out of your mind.’
‘I’ve never forgotten what he did to Lainie. If it hadn’t been for that it might never have happened. I still blame myself, Joe …’
The back of my neck prickled as I listened. Who were they talking about, and why was my mother so worried?
‘That was years ago. He hasn’t bothered her, why should he harm Amy or us?’
‘You don’t know him as well as I do, Joe.’
‘Amy has me to look after her. If he hurt my girl I would kill him. He knows it, Bridget. I wouldn’t stand by and let him get away with it again.’
I decided it was time I went into the kitchen and made my presence known. My father smiled as he saw me, but my mother’s eyes were clouded by shadows. I felt an ache somewhere in the region of my heart, and felt that I wanted to banish those shadows.
‘I bought this for you, Mum. It will go in your bedroom. The artist is unknown now, but he’s good. One day his work will probably be worth a lot of money.’
Her eyes filled with tears as I showed her the painting, and then she jumped up and hugged me. I hugged her back, my throat tight with emotion.’
‘I love you, Amy.’
‘I love you too, Mum. You don’t have to worry about me. I promise you I’ll be sensible.’
‘Of course you will,’ she said, laughed and brushed a hand across her eyes. ‘I’m being silly. You’re my little girl and I make too much fuss. You go to Lainie’s and enjoy yourself.’
‘Thanks, Mum … Daddy.’ I sent a special smile to him, knowing he had talked her round for my sake. ‘I won’t do anything to make you ashamed of me, I promise.’
‘I never thought you would,’ my father said. ‘I’ve always trusted you completely.’
He turned away to fiddle with his wireless set, which my mother had bought him for the previous Christmas. It took a lot of skill and practice to make it work, but there were now regular broadcasts from the BBC, and my father was an enthusiastic listener.
My mother had begun to set the table for supper and I helped her, taking the blue and white plates down from the dresser and placing them on the snowy-white cloth.
‘Your brother Jon is coming home for a few days next week,’ my mother said as she took a pie from the oven. ‘You will wait to see him before you go, won’t you, Amy?’
‘Yes, of course, Mum. I’m going out after supper. Matt is back from his trip and he’s taking me to the pictures this evening, so I’ll have to hurry and get changed …’
I emerged breathlessly from Matthew’s crushing embrace.
‘If that’s what being away for two weeks does to you …’ I murmured and laughed up at him. ‘I like it. I like it a lot.’
‘I missed you so much!’ He touched my cheek with his fingertips, looking serious and a little apprehensive. ‘And I’ve got something to tell you, Amy.’
‘Something I shan’t like? I can see it in your face. Is it another long trip?’
‘It’s worse,’ Matthew said. ‘The firm wants me to go up to Manchester for six months. They are setting up a distribution centre for the north and they want me to run it for the first few months.’
‘But you can’t!’ I stared at him in dismay. ‘I should never see you.’
‘I’ll come back as often as I can at weekends. Perhaps once a fortnight if I can manage it.’
‘Once a fortnight!’ I couldn’t believe what he was telling me. ‘It was bad enough when you had the long trips, but this is impossible, Matt. Please tell them you can’t do it.’
‘This is very important to me, Amy. It is a step up the ladder to promotion. They’ve promised me another ten pounds a month, and perhaps more if I show them I can do it.’
He was prepared to desert me for ten pounds a month! I felt terribly hurt, even though I knew it was a lot of money to Matthew. But my father could give him the sixty pounds he would gain and never miss it.
‘Daddy will lend you the money for a house,’ I said sulkily. ‘He will give us a good wedding present and you could open your own shop. You wouldn’t have to go away and leave me all the time.’
‘That isn’t the way I do things, Amy.’ His mouth had pulled into a grim line and I knew he was angry. ‘I’ve told you before, I want to stand on my own feet. Ten pounds a month may not sound a lot to you, but the extra will make a difference when it’s added to what I’ve already saved.’
‘But I don’t want you to go!’ I drew back, looking at him unhappily. ‘If you loved me you wouldn’t leave me, Matt.’
‘Whether you believe it or not, I do love you, Amy. But I have to do this for us.’
My eyes filled with tears I was too proud to shed. He was cruel to hurt me like this and I wanted to hurt him back.
‘If you go there might not be any more us.’
The moment I had said it, I wished the words unspoken. Matthew’s eyes were icy cold, his expression disapproving.
‘If I thought you meant that I would take you home right now, Amy Robinson, but I know you don’t. You’re hurt and angry, and you’ve been spoiled. I’m afraid it isn’t always possible to get what you want in life, and you are just going to have to take no for an answer for once.’
His words struck deep. How could he say such a thing to me? I wasn’t spoiled, just indulged by loving parents.
‘Sometimes I don’t like you very much.’
‘Believe me, there are times when I don’t like you, Amy.’
