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Stay calm. Don’t lose it. Steady. Controlled. Breathe!
With unblinking eyes, I see my hand shaking, torn between gripping the handle and letting it go. The two conflicting commands clash inside my brain, neither of them winning or losing. My hand is in the limbo between the shadowsand my will to fight them off. My eyes burn like hell. Tears spill down my cheeks, but I don’t blink. I need the light. I need to stay grounded or I’ll be lost in the shadows and their ravenous gloom.
I hear slapping footsteps. They echo against the alley’s walls, splashing in shallow puddles. I want to turn toward the sound, but the idea is swallowed by a black shroud. Xave’s coming, and I’m paralyzed by my demons.
Get a hold of yourself.
“Go, Marci, go, go, go,” Xave says as he sprints out of the alley.
More steps echo behind him, heavy and menacing. “Hey, you. Get back here!” a booming voice cries out.
Xave jumps on behind me. The motorcycle lowers a few inches with the added weight. Now that I need to work the clutch, my hand fights back. It stiffens, fingers forming a rigid claw. The shadows mock me, trying to show me they’re stronger than me. They want to undo me, but I won’t let them. I snap my head to one side, exhale and squint at the alley. Two large figures advance at a fast clip.
“What are you waiting for? Go, go!” Xave urges, thrusting his hips back and forth, as if that will make the bike go.
The pursuers, two men, are almost out of the alley. Xave curses, puts his hands around my waist and shakes me. My bones rattle. Tense and trembling, my limbs respond in slow motion. My foot slowly shifts to first gear. I release the clutch, one finger at a time. My right hand twists the gas, barely making the red needle jump on the rpm gauge. Every one of my movements is painful. God, the men are only a few paces away.
Furious, Xave curses at me.
“Stop right there!” The men are close to the lonely lamppost on the corner. I can almost see their faces. A faint buzz starts in the back of my head.
“Marciiiii.” Xave’s earsplitting shriek melds with that of the revved-up engine.
Finally, we lurch ahead. The front tire leaves the blacktop. Too much, too fast. Xave and I lean forward and stay that way even after the wheelie dies. Half of my mind fears the men will shoot at us, while the other fights to keep the bike moving away from danger. We swerve from side to side, barely under control.
“Get yourself together, Marci,” Xave screams.
I’m fighting the attack as hard as I’ve ever fought, but it feels like I’m losing, and I’m scared. I speed through a red light. It’s late and there’s no traffic. We’re getting away. No one’s chasing us, but we’re not alone.
I’m not alone.
My muscles ache from being so tense, from fighting. Xave’s body moves with the twists and turns of the road. He’s the one keeping us upright. I’m nothing but an unyielding body, fighting not to be possessed by a sinister, alien force.
“Let me drive,” he yells when it seems we’re out of danger. “Stop the bike and let me drive.”
I want to let him, but my body is still caught in limbo, my mind still cloaked in shadows. Suddenly, we speed up and it’s not my doing. My hand twists the accelerator of its own accord. Window displays, stop signs and parked cars are a blur to each side. Downtown Seattle falls behind as we head north. A humid breeze from Puget Sound presses against me like an invisible force field.
“Damn it. Stop, Marci.” He kicks my foot off the brake. The tip of my boot scrapes the pavement.
Good,I think, except in the next second my limbs fight him, even though I want to stop. Xave applies pressure on the brake and the back tire wobbles. I give it more gas and we speed onward. My foot kicks back to regain control of the pedal.
Xave gives up, knows we’ll splat if he doesn’t. “Please, stop.” He sounds scared now.
I want to tell him I’m trying, but it’s taking all I’ve got to keep this thing from fully taking over. Then something totally shifts inside my head, and I speed even more. Complete recklessness. As we whiz by a dark street, a blue light flashes, followed by the whine of a siren.
“You really messed up this time,” Xave says and his words are carried away by the wind.
The needle in the speedometer pushes above eighty and keeps on. I’m going faster than I’ve ever dared in the city. If there wasn’t something maniacal possessing me, I might even enjoy the ride, the chill in the air and the speed. But I’m terrified.
We speed for a few blocks and I dare hope we’ve left the cop behind, but I’m fooling myself. He can go from zero to screwing-up-our-lives faster than I can. He’ll catch up soon. He’s got his radio.
Suddenly, we take a sharp turn. We barely slow down and still we make it around the corner, missing a parked car by a few inches and eliciting a cry from a bystander. This goes beyond my skills. I haven’t been riding bikes that long. I learn fast, always have, but this feels like something else.
Something else entirely.
I crisscross through alleys and streets I don’t recognize. Some fancy part of town. We’ve lost the cop. As my panic dies down a bit, I try to regain control of my body. I can do it. I’ve done it before. I just need to concentrate.
Concentrate!
As I struggle to find myself, everything goes blank. Suddenly, I can’t see, hear or feel anything. Panic gains a new level. I try to focus, reaching out for my self-awareness. Nothing happens. Everything feels different, far away and utterly desolate. I can’t find myself. I’m right here and I can’t find myself. Desperation sets in. I whirl in an empty space, trying to claim my body and my very mind. But everything is gone.
All my senses are gone. Yet somehow, I know I’m here, pushed to a corner where I’m tiny and inconsequential. I’m weightless. A plundered body, a consciousness without gray matter, nerve endings or synapses. A wisp of nothing.
What is this?
Then I understand. The shadows have won. I’ve lost total control like never before. My brain, my body are gone. I have been … replaced, as if the code that makes me who I am has been erased by a flawless hack. Something else fuels me, and I realize that my lifelong fears are far worse than I’ve imagined. I’m still alive. This thing didn’t kill me. It made me a prisoner, and it’s worse than a thousand deaths at the blade-end of a thousand knives.
No, no, no!
Rage boils fire-red in my secluded corner. This can’t be happening. Not to me. I’m strong. I’m Brian Scott Guerrero’s daughter. I don’t give up. He was a fighter, a decorated officer, a doctor in combat. Brave as a mountain against a blizzard. I’m like him. I’m like him.
With what little I’ve become, I picture a strong body. It has claws instead of hands. I imagine myself tearing through this quiet bubble. I punch and punch until my claws pierce through something. With all my strength, I drag down, ripping, tearing my prison.
Shadows flow into my space and swarm, attacking my imagined claws. But I’m ready for them, ready to let what’s left of me morph, fluid like water. My claws turn to knives that stab, guns that shoot, beams of light that cut through the darkness. Shapeless, changing thoughts. That’s the key. I learned this a long time ago, before I had enough reason to know what I was doing. The specters shriek as I burst into the light. They grasp for my thoughts, but I force them to morph, concentrating on nothing specific.
Multi-core motherboards … Roaring engines.
Wile E. Coyote … Speed.
Cinnamon gum … Xave.
Ideas fall and rise, turn and twirl. Never the same.
Creaking leather. A dark alley.
A cop!
I break out into the open, gasping and shaking. A million needles prick my limbs. The world seems brighter and every sound louder.
Release the gas. Release it!
I do, but I can’t manage much else. Inside, the shadowsstill threaten to strike, hunkering like thieves in an alleyway. I can taste their gloom, a bitter mouthful of loss and imprisonment.
We’re on a curvy road which I recognize immediately. The bike wobbles. I compensate to the left, but so does Xave. We lose balance, the bike tips over and we hit the pavement hard. The weight of the motorcycle clamps my leg and its momentum carries us forward, slipping, scraping, burning. Heat reaches my thigh through my leathers. The side of my helmet scrapes the road. A horrible screech fills my head.
The bike skids ahead of us. I’m relieved to have its weight off me, but we keep sliding after it. We roll off the road into the supple earth that is more forgiving. Branches and bushes scrape and snap, harmless against my body armor. I hear a loud crash. As I roll and tumble amid the brush, I catch a glimpse of the bike smashed against a tree.
I travel downward on my stomach, every rock and bump knocking a little more air out of me. I claw gloved fingers into the dirt. Pebbles hit my visor, but I feel my descent slowing. Finally, I come to a stop. I lay there for a moment, assessing my aching body. Nothing feels broken.
Head spinning, I wobble to my knees and look around. I can’t see anything. Horror grips me, then I realize it’s too dark to see through the helmet’s visor. The bike’s headlight must have shattered against the tree. I stand up on shaky legs, take off my helmet and look around under the dim moonlight that seeps through the trees.
“Xave,” I whisper.
My eyes search the darkness, and I can’t find him.
Chapter 2 (#ub8f86cfd-0b23-54f9-9ece-27e638a67bcb)
Panic sets in. I’m about to scream Xave’s name when I’m pitched forward, shoved from behind. My helmet flies off and hits the ground as my arms flail in an attempt to keep my balance. I take two staggering steps to avoid a fall, then whirl and strike a fighting pose, ready for anything. Xave is behind me, apparently furious enough to shove me. His own helmet is on the ground next to him, his shaggy, brown hair matted to his forehead.
“What the hell! You trying to get us killed?” Xave shouts.
My instinct is to jump and karate-kick his ass for pushing me, but I manage to control myself. I need to come up with an explanation for my screw-up and fast. I haven’t had one of these episodes in over a year and never in front of Xave. Even Mom thinks I’m over my “epileptic” attacks, as she chooses to call them—even though the doctors never gave that diagnosis.
I take a deep breath and relax my arms. Sensei would be proud of me. Hell, I’m proud of me. I may only be five-foot-five, but I don’t let anyone push me around. Never have. Xave’s a year older than me and considerably taller, but I can give him a run for his money, if it comes to that.
“What kind of stupid stunt was that, Marci?” Xave sounds as if he’s about to pop. “The cops, the freaking cops, were after us.”
“Not for long,” I say, sounding smug, just the tone I need for the explanation he unknowingly provided me: a “stupid stunt.” I abandon my defensive stance and make a big show of dusting myself.
Xave limps in my direction. Uh-oh, did he break something? I’ll feel really bad if he did. His black leathers creak with every step. He stops and looks down at me with a kind of anger I didn’t know him capable of. I watch him, wary of sudden moves. It would suck if this ended up in a nasty fight.
Moonlight cuts through the trees above and bathes Xave’s face. His hazel eyes look nearly black, his high cheekbones sunken.
“I’m tired of your cocky, I-can-do-it-all bull-crap,” he says. “If you want to go all Evel Knievel, do it on your own time. Leave me out of it, okay?”
“Hey, you were the one who wanted to spy on Clark.” I take a step back, trying to put some distance between us.
“All you had to do was be ready to drive off. But you couldn’t even do that.” Xave’s tone grates on my nerves. “Now Clark knows we were there and on his Yamaha.”
At the last word, his face goes all Hulk-green or maybe it’s putty-gray, I can’t really tell in the dim moonlight. He points at the wrecked bike, hand shaking.
“Look, I’ll get the bike fixed,” I say, using a conciliatory tone—though it’s a lame offer, considering that Xave already spent hours working on this bike. He’s good at fixing things. I think he got it from his mom. She likes crafts, doing detailed things with her hands. He says he’ll be a mechanic after school. “I’ll talk to Clark and tell him it was my—”
“Screw you, Marci.”
I flinch at the harshness in his voice. What’s wrong with him lately? I know I screwed up, but where is all this anger coming from? We’ve been in bigger trouble than this before.
“Everything’s always so easy for you.” His tone is mocking. “Oh, I’ll tell him it was my idea,” he mimics me in a whiny voice, which sounds nothing like mine. “We’ll lie, steal and cheat. It’ll be okay. Just chill out, Xave. You worry too much.”
“Hey, you’re pushing it,” I tell him, feeling a bit injured.
“Am I? And what are you gonna do? Land me in jail when I least expect it?”
I take a deep breath to control my rising temper. I can’t get angry right now. Not after what I just went through. “Let’s just go home and talk about it later before we regret it. Okay?”
“I already regret it. I don’t know why I bother with you anymore.” His words hold a venom I can almost taste. “You’re selfish and immature. You never stop to think of anyone but yourself.”
“You … don’t understand,” I say.
“Understand what?” he demands.
I feel like my only choice is to wait for his fury to die down. I can’t tell him about the mess inside my head. I’ve been hiding it from everyone for too long to start sharing now. He’ll think I’m crazy, and I’d rather continue lying than face his disappointment. I get enough of that from Mom.
A part of me tells me I’m wrong, that I should trust him, that he’ll understand. Dare I listen to it?
I clear my throat and begin in a weak voice, “I … lost control—”
“You’re damn right you lost control.” His anger runs unchecked, killing what little courage I’d mustered. “My dad’s gonna have my hide and so is Clark. Did you stop to think about that?”
There isn’t a good response, so I start toward the bike to avoid answering. When I walk past, Xave grabs my shoulder and makes me face him.
“You didn’t answer my question. Did you stop to think about it?” His eyes look darker than a starless universe would.
“No,” I say, because a “yes” would mean I did it intentionally. “I just thought we’d have a little fun, that’s all.”
“Like I said, selfish!” The word echoes through the quiet patch of trees.
“Is that what you think?”
“Yes, that’s what I think!”
Rage seethes inside me. He has no idea what he’s talking about. He thinks he knows me, has me all figured out. Well, he doesn’t know the half of it. No one does. Dad was the only one who ever tried to understand, but he’s gone and now I have only myself.
Through another deep breath, I manage to stay in control. “Whatever,” I say, trying to sound like the brat he figures me for. I look for my helmet on the ground. I can get home on foot from here. We’re only a mile away. When I spot it, I pick it up and start walking away.
“Oh, so now you’re leaving?” he says sarcastically.
“That’s what selfish people do.”
“It must be nice to live never having to face the consequences of anything you do.”
I whirl. “Shut up, Xave. You don’t know what you’re talking about.” The anger rolls through me in waves. Automatically, my breathing slows and my thoughts shift at a million gigahertz a second. My defenses are second nature most of the time. They have to be. Anger is bad. Anything that can make me lose my concentration can bring the shadows back. That’s why my entire life I’ve felt as if I’m walking on eggshells, always afraid of cracking and spilling out my insides.
“’Course I do. No one ever tells you anything or cramps your style with chores and speeches about responsibility. No one cares—” He abruptly stops.
“Finish, Xave.” I dare him.
He exhales, knowing he’s gone too far. A car drives by on the road, its headlights flooding our space for a quick couple of seconds. I see no hint of remorse in Xave’s face, but he doesn’t dare finish his sentence.
“But no one cares about me? Is that what you were going to say? Huh?” I wait for a response. I can feel him teetering. He still wants to get to me, hurt me somehow. But he must know that if he goes there, whatever friendship we’ve shared will die. We’ve been through too much together to ruin everything over something like this. I can tell he’s thinking the same thing, but maybe his anger will beat his common sense.
Sensing we’re at the brink of making a huge mistake, I walk away without saying a word and head north toward our neighborhood. I don’t look back. Xave can limp home for all I care, even if this is my fault. Maybe I am selfish, after all.
Keeping to the shoulder, I move at a steady pace. I’m fuming, wondering if I could have handled this better. The air is crisp with winter’s bite. It makes every deep breath count. There are no street lamps on this side road, but the moon is full, the sky cloudless—a rarity in this damn city.
I haven’t been to this small wooded area in years, but I can see why Xave and I used to like playing here. It’s quiet and hidden from prying neighbors and their objections to BB guns, baseballs and fireworks. God, that all seems so long ago. We were inseparable then and now it seems some huge wedge is making its way between us. He’s become so moody and sullen with me. I don’t get it. I fear things won’t ever be like they used to. The thought hurts.
The smell of crushed pine needles wafts in the breeze, bringing back memories of happier times with my friend—many of them in these woods. I huff, thinking of the time he dared me to kiss him. He must have been ten and I, nine.
