The Spy

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I just said the first thing that passed my mind and looked at it saying at the same time:

–Well, it is not working!

One of them took my hand and raising it to have a look at it said:

–Looks like is working now!

–But… thanks! –I managed to say, before they both left laughing.

I felt so strange, I didn't quite understand why I had stood up in front of them, and with an excuse as bad as that.

So many years of service and I had forgotten a part of me, the family man, my family. We all have the obligation to form one, in order to pass our knowledge and the lessons received to the new generations.

But the army had absorbed me so much and for so long, I barely limited myself to doing my job and nothing else.

But those women, I don't know! That incident had awakened something inside me, or maybe it was tea, or maybe that city.

I found myself very, very lost.

Of course, I didn't know everything I know now, if I had known then, I would have preferred to go back to the United States, or even to England.

At least there I would have had a different life, not better, but possibly it would have been easier.

In England I would have recovered my classes at the University; In the US, they would have put me in charge of some intelligence or logistic support center, where they valued my years of experience, but staying in Israel was the most risky and strange thing that could have happened to me, and it happened to me.

After so many years, I can see how the circumstances began to lead me towards my destiny, if you could say so! At least that is what a non-believer can think, now with time, I am sure they guided my steps to fulfill a mission.

How different everything looks with the passage of time! So much nonsense done, so much wasted time when not trusting the Creator!

Now when I see a young man dressed as a military pass by, I feel sorry for him! So excited, so eager, and so lost, he doesn't know what his future will hold for him.

Very few from all those who get enlisted make a career in the end, they stayed a few years and a little more, some remain five or six years and that's it, and the rest leave it without thinking about it, although they have nowhere to go.

Even the army, when they have been some years, they discard them, especially for certain outposts, since the reflexes and enthusiasm that they show at the beginning are lost over the years.

On the other hand, in certain positions it is quite the opposite, the more years of experience, the better it is for you!, because you get promoted, the performance you can give to the army is better, among those positions, there are those of intelligence, to which I've dedicated my whole life.

Who knew ? A "simple mathematician," as my superiors called me, and what I became, and all for being at the right time, in the right place, Israel.

That was the place where my life really changed, in every way, a place so different from what I expected, with people who have always been fighting to survive.

Strangely, it was there where I discovered my roots, so far from my land or from my parents.

It seems like that it was yesterday when I said goodbye to them, almost without warning and after having thought about it a lot, during the long journey on that ship that took us to America, and then there, we had to go to register and from there, they picked us up.

At first everything was fine, in that growing community of Jews, they opened their doors, and shared what they had with all the newly arrived, including home and food.

My mother was very nostalgic, she hardly went out to the street, since she said that everything seemed very strange, she also had the difficulty of the language, so she feared that if some authority stopped her, she would not know what to answer, despite being already safe in a different country, she kept thinking about everything she had to leave behind.

My father, on the other hand, spent all his time outside, trying to find work, and although some of those new acquaintances had proposed him to work with them, he had rejected those proposals. I am not sure if it was pride, or not wanting to abuse more of the kindness of his brothers in the faith.

The problem is that neither of them spoke British, beyond a few words to greet, but not enough to develop their daily lives.

On the other hand, that didn't happen to me, my mother insisted since I was a child that I learn that language, which now suited me very well and served as an interpreter when needed.

That country seemed so different, there was a strange environment of diversity, it was not a culture, but a mixture of them, with people of different colors and beliefs.

Well, to what I was going, I had heard other young people on the ship about their intentions to enlist, some said it was the fastest way to get citizenship, or that they were trained in a job, but others, that was what interested me most, they talked about the army giving them a salary while they were there, apart from food and a place to sleep, that caught my attention, if I already received food and had my clothes and stay covered, why would I want the salary?

So I thought that this could be a good solution if my father couldn't get a job in this new country, as it was.

One morning, after completing my prayers, I went down to the dining room and there, the family gathered, I said:

– I'm going to join the American army!

– What do you say son? –My mother replied with a puzzled face.

– To the army? But have you lost your mind? –Asked my father.

– I have thought it very carefully, and I have decided it, I would appreciate you giving me your blessing.

–My blessing? Asked my father in surprise. You know that we cannot use weapons except to defend ourselves!

– But the army, isn't it precisely for that?

–But this is not your country, why do you want to do it?

– You have always taught me to do what I thought was most correct and this is what I believe should be done.

My father left that room without saying a word, my mother began to cry inconsolably.

Before that panorama and after waiting a little to see if my father returned, after a moment, I left that house and never returned.

This was undoubtedly one of the most bitter moments of my life, my father who wanted me to be a rabbi, saw that his son was not following the path, and also that I was going to something as inappropriate as the army. My mother, then, was her son, and I was leaving, practically overnight, without warning.

Whenever I have a difficulty in my work, I wonder if I did well or not that bitter day, when I left my house with only the clothes I was wearing . The rest was all easier, so to speak, I showed up at that recruitment office, which I already had located and when I arrived there I had no difficulty, there they told me to wait a few hours to fill the bus that would take me to the nearest military base to conduct my training.

While I waited, I saw families of all kinds, some proud that their children were in the army; other sad and upset by that; there were even those who didn't let go of their son's neck to say goodbye, but almost everyone came with their families, except me.

I never saw my loved ones again, despite being what I loved most in the world. Going to the army was precisely so that they did not lack of anything. In the enrollment registration I had left instructions to send my pay to my parents, something that seemed strange to the recruitment office, and even made me repeat it three times.

Sometimes, despite all the time that has elapsed, when I remember this event in my life, my stomach knots, after all, I'm not sure that was the best choice!

It was certainly a solution, the one that occurred to me at that time, but that caused so much suffering, or at least I think so, because I never got to receive news from my parents, although I wrote them almost weekly while I was in my training.

Then, when they moved us to Arizona, they told us that I couldn't do it, because that was a secret base, and from there I couldn't enter or leave any kind of communication.

What would have been of my life if I had stayed at home? I would probably now be a rabbi, taking care of my small community, complying with the precepts, and making others comply, answering the questions of the most restless and officiating the community ceremonies, a full life dedicated to the Creator.

And now, how much time wasted, trying to prove my worth, to others and to myself?! So much time away from my faith, believing in things as banal as luck. It has been my particular journey through life, wandering from one place to another, aimlessly, turning my back on everything I believed, with no more destiny than to stay alive one more day.

I have made many mistakes in my life, some without realizing it, others for lack of foresight, but the most serious, without a doubt, was going to the army, although strangely, my Creator has not abandoned me at any time and has stayed by my side leading my steps.

Now with time I see it clearly, but I would not have made it that far. No one could imagine what happened, even if someone had been determined to achieve it, that was more than luck, much more than destiny, they were my guided steps.

After a long time in gloom, I managed to recover my faith, and live it every day, that has helped me a lot to cope with any problem or difficulty, perhaps the greatest in my adult life was precisely the loss of my wife, the one who had become my better half, the mother of my children, my partner and friend.

So many years shared, so many experiences together!, and of course, also discussions, almost from day one, and all because of my work.

She did not want to accept what I was doing and for whom I was doing it, but I said it again and again, that that had brought me to Israel, and that I should continue with it, for me it was unthinkable to leave my job, after so much effort and dedication to it.

She did not like all that espionage and taking out the secrets of others, she thought it was a waste of time, because if the keys were changed, what was discovered today would not be useful for tomorrow.

I struggled to separate work from the family things so as not to have discussions, removing this point, the coexistence was very good.

She had opened the doors of her house and her community, one of the most hermetic of those lands, or so it seemed to me.

At first they looked at me suspiciously, but the decision to marry erased any doubt about my intentions, they no longer treated me like a stranger or a foreigner just as they did when I arrived.

They were very happy moments, forming a family in that land that became my home for a long time, until America claimed me back.

As a military man, when I received an order, I had to comply with it, even though it was not to my liking, since otherwise, they could stop me and even set up a war council to process me.

My wife, for no reason wanted to leave that place, her homeland, but I couldn’t refuse, it was they who paid me and for whom I had been working for so long.

A change of government, had led to a turn in politics with respect to our allies, passing Israel from being a country of strategic importance, to lose interest in it "A country in the desert, there so far away from all", as I had heard some superior say.

Perhaps if I had consulted one of those who had spent some time on this earth, we could have given our reasons to remain there, and testify on how that desert had flourished with a modern and advanced nation, which was an example overcoming obstacles.

My mission changed dramatically overnight, now that there were computers, the spying I had been doing for years was no longer necessary.

Mathematicians like me, we were held in the calculation centers, as they were called, now we had to work through and for computers, so that they performed large operations thanks to our developments.

A great advance without a doubt, due to the rapidity of calculation, but that left our work relegated to a mere office work, and from there to home, where I met my wife's long face, angry because she had to live locked up in a military base , where the education that our children deserved couldn’t be provided, according to her.

If only she could have understood my position, I had to be there where they assigned me, and do the work that they required me, that is the life of the military, to obey orders.

Every day we had the same discussion about what those Americans could offer for the development of our children, and we just stopped arguing when one of them returned home from school.

According to her, the educational system was very questionable. To me, it seemed good to our children, since it was the only one I had ever known, although she always complained that it was not good enough.

She would have liked it if they had entered a yeshivá or study center of the Torah and Talmud, to learn from an early age to know the Creator, and His word; but in that place, it was completely impossible, because the only thing there was, was a single school, for all the children of the military who lived in that base.

As usual, our children's friends stopped by after class to go out to play, although she was not happy with all that "wasted time," as she said, because she understood that the playing was a children's thing, and that at that age they must be focusing on their development.

Although I tried to calm her down and comfort her, I know she was always missing her land, Israel, and although she was an immigrant there, "she felt at home and protected by her faith," as she liked to comment.

On the other hand here, being also an immigrant, she couldn’t integrate, because she did not share the customs or the way of seeing the world of others, even though she spoke perfect British, so she could get a job if she wanted to.

But she refused to leave the home and her chores, arguing that she had been taught where her function was and that of working outside the home she considered it a modernity with which she disagreed.

Although it would not have been hard for her to find what to do on that base, either as a translator or even as a school assistant, she refused to devote herself to anything other than the house.

It took me time to realize how much she needed to be surrounded by her people, in that place that caused her so much fulfillment; such was her insistence that I even requested a change of destination, one as close as possible to that land.

Thus, on several occasions I had requested the transfer, but they always told me "It's not the time", and the years passed and passed.

My retirement was the turning point. I had not wanted to say anything about it, and our children had already made their lives, none of them had followed my steps within the army, and each one had moved to a different place.

We had been alone for a few years, well, with coworkers, on a military base, with their families, but alone in the sense that we did not share faith with others.

My wife had stopped the discussions, something weird about her, but it seems she had tired of protesting, and simply focused on reading, day and night.

That surprised me when I realized that I "lacked" the discussions. One day I woke up protesting, I had dreamed that we discussed as we always did, and instead, the house was now so quiet.

Sometimes I feel so sorry for those discussions, so much wasted time, so much misunderstanding, but instead, on other occasions, I miss them, being able to listen to her once again, being able to see her, so energetic and beautiful.

Many times it has been said that, "love makes people blind", but I think what it does is help us to see better those we love.

Despite the time that had elapsed, my wife still seemed so beautiful to me, so much that I kept telling her, although she had a hard time believing me, telling me that I was jokingly telling her; but it wasn't like that, my eyes not only saw beauty, but also love and gratitude.

I would not have imagined a fuller life than the one I had with that woman, and all thanks to a fortuitous encounter in a land so far from my country, if it can be called that.

Well, what I intended to say – I get lost in my thoughts – on the last day of work, my colleagues had prepared a party for me and asked me where I would like to go on vacation.

This was something like a tradition, among the officers a fund raiser was made to send the retired person to a beautiful destination, either to California or to Bora – Bora Island.

Personally I preferred one of those exotic islands, where to enjoy the beaches and palm trees, where to create beautiful memories that could accompany us the rest of what we had left to live, so my first choice was Hawaii, but in an act of love, or at least I remember that, I asked everyone to help me do something, I did not want a week trip, not even a month paid with the proceeds, I wanted to move.

A somewhat risky idea for all the changes that it implied, but that my colleagues and collaborators quickly accepted, and they were helping me find a house, I just needed to tell her.

That day was special, nobody in the office wanted to pass the opportunity to say goodbye to me. I, who was not very of that, bit the bullet and was as kind as I possibly could, distributing hugs, and shaking hands with everyone.

At noon I went out to lunch with some colleagues, and they all gave me the plane tickets and the keys to the new house. I was late that day, and when I opened the door she was standing there, with a surprise on the kitchen table, she had prepared one of her dishes that she knew I liked so much.

She had not cooked it in a long time, because she said that, "for two, she was not going to bother preparing it", because it took a lot of time and effort, but that day was special.