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But when I had tried to explain how anyone else in my circumstances would have ended up doing the same, the journalists have even gotten up and interrupted the interview, as if I had offended them with my words.
That is, if you have a mental problem, or if you were traumatized as a child, society comes to justify and even “understand” any atrocity, but if it is a moral issue, they do not even listen to you.
I’d have liked to have made some kind of radio or television program around the issue, based on my precepts, to try to understand or at least discuss whether or not my actions were justified, but that had been so socially serious that no one would think of it.
The only things I had received were insults, threats and contempt from everyone, in such a way that when picking up the members of the jury who were going to judge me they found it difficult since most of the population was inclined to condemn me without even having started the trial.
And about the defense, that was another, no one wanted to defend me despite the fact that the constitution supported me in having legal advice, but there was no one who wanted to see their name stained with this case, not even those who liked to litigate against the interests of the government, or who, as they said, wanted to change the things.
It had to be a foreigner, one of those who studied in their country of origin and who requested at the time the validation of their degree, for which they had to return to supervised practices repeating the internship, who was the only one in the end who agreed to defend me, if you can call it that, for he was also sure of my guilt.
To tell the truth, I was too, at least I knew what I had done, how and why, and although I was not prepared for a life sentence, I knew that my actions were socially reprehensible and therefore that I had to pay for it.
Although I have not considered myself a religious person, I do believe that I have some solid moral values, adjusted to the society in which I have lived, being respectful of the norms and rules of coexistence.
Hence, despite how much they inquired about my past, they did not find those “symptoms” that criminals seem to have, such as petty theft, petty crimes, or transgressions of morals during childhood, to gradually increase in terms of its frequency and intensity during adolescence, until reaching its maximum expression in adult life.
But in my case they did not discover anything similar, which is why they always thought that I had an accomplice, that is, that there was a thinking head, and that I was only the executing arm.
They even argued that I had been brainwashed, or something similar, but all of the drug and psychological tests that I passed came back negative, I had not suffered any kind of external influence that would subdue my will or something like that.
I know they didn’t quite understand me, and that probably in other circumstances I wouldn’t either, but what I did was conscious and meditated.
Despite admitting my guilt, it is difficult to get up every day knowing that it will be exactly the same as yesterday and the day before yesterday, and also that it will be repeated tomorrow and the day after tomorrow, for the rest of my life.
Some prisoners, the most fortunate, are anxious for the days to pass so they can have a visit from a relative or loved one, but no one has visited me for a long time.
Since the conviction was handed down, not even the defense attorney has come to see how I am.
Just when there is a case review to be carried out, and because it is mandatory by law, a prison attorney appears to inform me that a committee must decide whether or not to keep the conditions of my sentence, a procedure that must be carried out, since my crime is unforgivable and for many years that pass I do not think they will forget it.
Perhaps it was not so bad at the end at all, because if they had tried and convicted me in the military field, they say the facilities are worse, since those who go there have a specific training in the art of war, what that makes them dangerous to their own people, and that, despite the fact that some journalists had tried to have me prosecuted in the military sphere, the judge did not understand that it was necessary.
Not that bad, I can’t imagine following a military schedule for the rest of my life, accompanied by convicts who are real killing machines, and that any bad look can be considered an assault.
It is not that I am one of those who seek a fight, or anything like that, but in such a small center, conflicts and misunderstandings are frequent.
On more than one occasion, a simple blow when going out to the yard has been enough to start a fight, which on the same day or in the future has meant that they have attacked and even killed one of those involved.
A situation that has led me to think that I am better off alone than with one of those small groups that are formed among prisoners, where a leader directs a part of the yard and those who pass through that area must obey his orders and even his whims.
At least that is how the majority of prisoners live it, those who have committed minor crimes, or who have little left to get out of jail.
In my case, locked up for life in a maximum security prison, there are hardly any riots, since the guards try to ensure that there are no more than two or three people in the yard at a time, thus avoiding confrontations or what is worse, letting them make some kind of plan, since these prisoners are really dangerous.
At the first in that world, I knew nothing, and I felt safe complying with the regularity that was established, and taking advantage of the free time to carry out some activity or to be in the library.
But on one occasion I was able to witness one of the prisoners being executed by others, apparently for no reason, and from that day on I preferred my cell to spend my free time.
That led me to become a great reader, since I didn’t have much else to do between those three walls, since the gate does not count.
And over time, I thought and decided to start writing, something that has led me to complete this book.
Chapter 2. Nothing makes sense
It had been several years since I managed to enhance my abilities, those that had brought me so many problems and that with practice and training I had managed to subdue.
At first those flashes came to me, which even made me lose consciousness, something quite uncomfortable since I even fell, with the subsequent consequences that when I woke up I was in pain and sometimes even bruised.
I don’t know why, but over time these experiences, so to speak, became more and more frequent, maybe due to the exigencies of circumstances, when I began my collaboration with the police. I don’t know if it works like that, but I started to get “answers” to the cases in which I was involved.
I think it was unintentional, so to speak, after the first case in which they told me all the sort of details and the evidence collected even showing me at the crime scene, I don’t know why, but that night I had, I don’t know how to define it, a nightmare.
At first I had attributed it to the impression of participating in a case, because of the amount of blood that I had seen in the images of the victim or that had been found on the knife, but something happened that I did not expect.
The next day I went to the police station early and there I asked to see that policeman to tell him about my nightmare, who from the beginning had laughed at me, saying I was a fraud, and he was trying to prove it with that case, in which he hoped me to fail.
“Good morning, I’ve come to tell you something,” I said as I entered the police station.
“Don’t tell me you’ve solved the case!” He said with a joking tone as he got up from his desk and with his hand invited me to come to the interrogation room.
Well, I had spent the last three days in that room, where they had shown me all kinds of images, evidence and conjectures about the events, the victim, the suspects… an infinity of data and details with which I expected… I don’t know… overwhelm me.
All with the intention of giving me the greatest facilities so that I would not have any “excuse” when I failed, or at least the police chief had told me so on several occasions.
“Well, I don’t know if it’s anything, but I’ve been sleeping badly for several nights.
“No kidding! That happens to all of us who are dedicated to solving crimes,” he commented as we entered the room and closed the glass door behind him.
“Yeah, well, I guess,” I managed to say, “but tonight was different.”
“On what?” He asked while with a gesture invited me to sit down.
“I, I don’t know how to tell him, but it’s as if all the information had been arranged in my mind and I had seen it as the entire sequence.”
“Congratulations, that happens to all of us, each case we see we have the same experience, that the disconnected data is sorted and… there it is, we see it.”
“Have you seen it too?” I asked, interrupting him.
“See? Of course, it’s the sequence of events.”
“No, I mean the killer.”
“The killer? What are you talking about?”
“What I’m telling you, I was, I don’t know what to call it, remembering… the data in the form of a scene… at first it was strange, because I couldn’t see clearly, it was as if it were night and everything was dark.
“Normal, you were dreaming at night.”
“That has nothing to do with it, I mean the scene, it was all very dark, and I felt, I don’t know, a little dizzy, I think I stood on a small bench because I couldn’t continue, then I threw up, but that didn’t make me feel better. Suddenly sitting there in the park, in that place, I heard a noise behind me. I don’t know what it was and I didn’t want to find out, but I had a strange feeling and panic washed over me.
»Perhaps it was that noise or the strong smell that came from behind, but as I could, I ran towards the entrance of the park, crossing several bushes, and suddenly, and not knowing how or why, I felt something grab me hairs tightly and pulled me until I fell on my back.
»I don’t know if it was because of the fall or why but I couldn’t lift my head off the ground, it’s as if something grabbed me and suddenly I saw him clearly, it was the postman, the one who had come home so many times to bring me a package, The one who made the delivery at 10 in the morning, and who had always been so kind, but now he looked different, I don’t know, his face was disfigured, his eyes were out of their sockets and he did nothing more than tell me to shut up, and that smell was getting so intense and nauseating, until…
“Until what?” Asked the chief of police, who was pouring himself a cup of coffee.
“You’re not going to believe it.”
“Go on, go on, so far I haven’t believed anything, so go on.”
That lascivious comment didn’t surprise me, as I had already gone through the disbelief of many who made fun of what was happening to me, without trying to help me understand it.
“Well, I am still, at that moment, and I don’t know how I saw myself on top of my body, about a meter and a half, and I was able to contemplate the scene from a distance, without feeling any suffering, even though that person was raging with my body.”
“Wait, wait,” he said as the coffee he was drinking spilled over him, staining the table with it. “What are you talking about?”
“Once he was done, he took the body and put it in a bag, I don’t know where he would have got it, but it was quite large, and he carried me like a sack of potatoes.”
“Then he took me to the exit of the park, around the south corner where he had a silver car, well gray, I’m not sure because it was night and only the light from the streetlight broke the darkness.
“He got me in the trunk and was driving quite slowly through the city, and when he was out of the vicinity he pressed the accelerator, and he stayed that way for about three hours until he reached some quays.
“Once there, he headed for a turnoff that said, ‘Danger alligators,’ and kept driving for half an hour, I think. All this next to the swamps.
“Once, in the middle of nowhere, because there was no nearby construction to be seen, he stopped the car, took my body out and threw me out with a bag and everything, closed the car and left.
“I stayed there for a period, for… I don’t know, a few days, and then I left the place, I went up.
“What are you talking about?”
“Of what I saw, I have already commented, of what I have dreamed of.”
“But have you listened to yourself?”
“Yeah right, why?”
“You just accused someone with a first and last name, told me where the crime took place, and how he disposed of the body.”
“Yes, I have.”
“And without a proof?”
“Well that’s not my job.”
The commissioner, without saying a word and still with the coffee spilled on the table, left the room with great shouts.
I stood there motionless without knowing what to do, I understood that I had done the right thing by telling him what I had seen, but I did not understand his reaction.
From the chair I saw how he began to give orders left and right, and how the police from the police station began to move from one side to the other, some literally ran out of the police station, others picked up the phone and all of this I was a immobile spectator.
I could not understand what all the fuss had come to be and if I had to withdraw or wait to continue the interview in that room.
I made the move to get up and go, but the commissioner saw me at this and, returning to the doorway, said in an authoritative voice:
“Don’t move from there.”
I did so, and well, several hours passed, and despite the fact that I looked everywhere as the policemen came and went, all very nervous, surely, due to the shouts of the boss, until at a certain moment I saw entering the police station two of the policemen who had run away, and they were coming with a third man.
“It’s him, it’s him,” I screamed, I don’t really know why.
“Get him out of here,” said the commissioner to one of his subordinates, pointing at me.
So in an instant I found that they had expelled me from the police station, if you can call it that, and without ceasing to guard me, they had kindly invited me to the cafeteria across the street where they had made me sit and wait.
Although I asked several times, the policeman did not want to tell me what he was doing there, or how long he would remain, only that he must be sit and silent.
I don’t even know how long I was there, but I took the opportunity to eat, since I hadn’t had anything to eat when I left so early for the police station to tell the police chief about my dream, so I ate and waited.
It was all so strange, but hey, I had nothing better to do than wait there, I don’t really know what, but the police chief had ordered it that way, and that’s why I had, I don’t know whether to tell him an escort, but on two occasions I asked him to take me out of that place and he didn’t let me go anywhere.
And it was all so strange that even the policeman who was guarding me offered to pay for my food, that was really weird! But I understood that it was a good sign, if I had been a, I don’t know what to tell it, a common prisoner, He would have never made that offer.
Despite this, I thanked him, but I understood that I had to pay for my meal, so I did.
Hours passed, and despite my continual questions to the policeman, he didn’t seem to care about time, he was just there, in front of me, sit, and quiet.
Personally, I think he would have more interesting things to do, but that is what he had been told to do and he did so.
At one point the walkie talkie that he had in his pocket sounded, which I had barely noticed, and the order was clear:
“Bring him.”
“Come on” he said, getting up from the place and not giving me time to finish my coffee.
After three cups, one could have waited a little longer, but he hadn’t, he had received orders and everything now had to be in a hurry.
So we went back to the police station, and they took me back to the glass room that they used as an interrogation room.
“Well, you’ll say,” I commented to the police chief when he entered the room where had remained in a corner that…, I don’t know how to say, guardian who had accompanied me and had not taken his eyes off me.
“How did you know?”
“What?” I asked without knowing what he meant.
“Don’t play dumb, how did you know?” he asked again.
“As long as it’s not more specific, I don’t think I can answer you.”
