.

/ The Best English Jokes





, , . .


һ, 2017

A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper, Does your dog bite?

The shopkeeper says, No, my dog does not bite.

The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.

Ouch![1]1
Ouch! !


[]
he says, But you say your dog does not bite!

The shopkeeper replies, That is not my dog.

* * *

A gloomy colonel was taking a walk in a park. He saw a lieutenant of his regiment in civilian clothes with a young lady. The lieutenant noticed the colonel from a distance, and hid himself behind a tree.

The next day the colonel asked:

Why did I see you yesterday evening in the park in civilian clothes?

Because the tree was not thick enough, Sir, answered the lieutenant.

* * *

A man went into a pet shop one day. I want to buy a parrot that talks, he said.

Im sorry sir, but you have to teach[2]2
have to teach


[]
your parrot to speak.

So he chose a parrot and took it home with him. Two weeks later he returned to the pet shop.

My parrot still doesnt speak, he said.

Ah, thats a shame. Buy this mirror. Hell look at himself, and talk.

The man bought the mirror and went away. Two weeks later he returned again.

My parrot is dead, he said.

Im sorry, sir but tell me, before he died, did he say anything?

Yes he did. But only one word.

Really? Which word was that?

Foood!

* * *

Student: Brain is like Bermuda triangle[3]3
Bermuda triangle


[]
information goes in and then it is never found again.

* * *

Why did you leave your last job?

The company relocated and they didnt tell me where.

* * *

Once a young man went shopping and bought himself a pair of trousers.

When he got home, he went to his bedroom and tried them on.[4]4
and tried them on


[]
He found they were far too long. He went downstairs where his mother and his two sisters were waiting for dinner. The new trousers are too long, he said. They need shortening.[5]5
They need shortening. .


[]
Can you do it for me, please?

The dinner was over and his mother shortened the trousers. But she did not mention about it to her daughters.

Then the elder sister remembered her brothers request. She was a kind person and wanted to help her brother, so she considerably shortened the trousers.

When the younger sister returned home from the cinema, she suddenly remembered what her brother asked them. So she hurried upstairs and cut a piece off[6]6
cut a piece off


[]
each leg of the new trousers.

* * *

Teacher: I killed a person. Convert this sentence into future tense.

Student: You will go to jail.

* * *

An energetic American tourist came to visit the Warwick Castle[7]7
Warwick Castle ( )


[]
in England. When the doorkeeper appeared, the American was studying his guide-book.

Tell me, the American said to the caretaker, is that famous vase still here? (shows its photo in the guide-book).

Yes, sir, was the reply.

And the table that costs 10,000 dollars?

Yes, sir.

And do you still have that portrait of Charles I?[8]8
Charles I I ( , XVII.)


[]

Oh yes, sir, said the doorkeeper, they are all here. Will you come in and see them?

No, I wont, I have no time to lose, replied the visitor. As they are here right now and I saw them in my guide-book I can continue to visit other castles and museums. Good-bye. And he hurried away.[9]9
hurried away


[]

* * *

A man placed an advertisement Wife wanted[10]10
Wife wanted


[]
. The next day he received hundreds of replies, all saying You can have mine.

* * *

Men go shopping[11]11
go shopping


[]
to find what they want Women go shopping to find out[12]12
find out


[]
what they want.

* * *

Hi, Mary! How was your school today? You can read all about it on my Facebook, dad!

* * *

Wife: Yesterday night I saw a dream that you were sending me expensive clothes and jewelry. Husband: Yeah, and I saw a dream that your dad was paying the bill.

* * *

Teacher to doctors daughter: Your grades are terrible! I shall send for your father! The doctors daughter: Think twice, teacher. Daddy always charges 50 dollars for each visit.

* * *

If a single teacher cant teach us all subjects, then how can a student learn all these subjects?

* * *

Boy: Our principal[13]13
principal


[]
is so stupid. Girl: Do you know who I am? Boy: No. Girl: I am the principals daughter. Boy: Do you know who I am? Girl: No. Boy: Good. (Walks away).

* * *

It takes[14]14
it takes


[]
15 trees to produce the amount of paper that we use to write one exam. Save trees! Say no to exams!

* * *

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

* * *

I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday.

* * *

John returned home late and found a naked man in his wifes bedroom closet. Hey, what are you doing in there? Im riding a bus. Thats a stupid answer! Thats a stupid question!

* * *

David, your ideas are like diamonds. You mean they are so valuable? No, I mean they are so rare.

* * *

One woman says to her friend: I hope he likes me. Do you think he will call? Maybe I was too strong. Relax. If a recruiter wants you he will call you.

* * *

Medicine wont help you at all, the doctor told his patient. What you need is a complete change of living. Get away[15]15
get away


[]
to some quiet country place for a month. Go to bed early, eat more fruit, drink plenty of good rich milk, and smoke just one cigar a day[16]16
one cigar a day


[]
. A month later the patient walked into the doctors office. He looked like a new man, and the doctor told him so. Yes, doctor, your advice certainly helped me. I went to bed early and did all the other things you told me. But, I say, doctor, that one cigar a day almost killed me at first. To start to smoke at my age!

* * *

I always learn from the mistake of others who take my advice.[17]17
take my advice


[]

* * *

The best part of my job is that my chair swivels.

* * *

A young girl once asked Mark Twain[18]18
Mark Twain


[]
if he liked books for Christmas gifts. Well, that depends,[19]19
that depends


[]
answered the great humorist, if a book has a leather cover, it is really valuable as a razor strop.[20]20
a razor strop


[]
If it is a brief, concise work, such as the French write, it is useful to put under the short leg of a wabbly table.[21]21
wabbly table


[]
A large book, like an atlas on geography, is good to nail over a broken pane of glass.[22]22
to nail over a broken pane of glass


[]

* * *

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks hes wrong.

* * *

A bewhiskered[23]23
bewhiskered


[]
American farmer was once a passenger in a crowded trolley-bus. A little rather stout man was trying to reach a strap,[24]24
to reach a strap


[]
caught the farmers beard. The farmer exclaimed indignantly:

Take your paws away from my beard! Whats the matter, mister? said the aggressive little man. Are you getting off?[25]25
Are you getting off? ?


[]

* * *

A college professor returned home from a meeting. As he entered his room, he heard a noise that seemed to come[26]26
that seemed to come , ,


[]
from under the bed. Is there someone there? he asked absently. No, professor, answered the thief. That is strange, muttered the professor. I was almost sure I heard someone under the bed.

* * *

Theres a guy with a Doberman Pinscher[27]27
Doberman Pinscher - ( )


[]
and a guy with a Chihuahua.[28]28
Chihuahua ( )


[]
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua,

Lets go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.

The guy with the Chihuahua says,

We cant go in there. Weve got dogs with us.

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says,

Just follow me.

They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on[29]29
puts on


[]
a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says,

Sorry, no pets allowed.

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says,

You dont understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.[30]30
seeing-eye dog -


[]

The guy at the door says,

A Doberman Pinscher?

He says,

Yes, theyre using them now, theyre very good.

The guy at the door says,

OK, come on in.

The guy with the Chihuahua puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

The guy at the door says,

Sorry, no pets allowed.

The guy with the Chihuahua says,

You dont understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.

The guy at the door says,

A Chihuahua?

The guy with the Chihuahua says,

You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?!

* * *

A blushing young man is choosing an engagement ring. He decides on one and says to the jeweller,

I want to engrave inside this ring From George to Dora[31]31
From George to Dora


[]
.

The jeweller said,

If you take my advice, sir, you will just have From George.

* * *

A man was filling an application for a job at a local employment agency. When he came to the question,

How long married? he hesitated, and then put down,[32]32
put down


[]
24 hours a day.

* * *

Tom wished his wife were more attractive, but she wasnt. To tell the truth, he was no oil-painting,[33]33
oil-painting


[]
either. After the ceremony, Tom asked the minister how much the cost was.

Just give me what you think it is worth to have this lady for your wife, replied the minister.

Tom looked at his wife, and handed the minister ?50. The minister looked at Toms wife and gave him ?42 change.

* * *

A man went to the Police Station.[34]34
Police Station


[]
He wanted to speak with the burglar who broke into his house the night before.

Youll get your chance in court, said the sergeant.

No, no, no! said the man. I want to know how he got into the house and did not wake my wife!

* * *

Tom won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together and asked them:

Who will have the present? Who is the most obedient? Who never talks back[35]35
to talk back


[]
to mother? Who does everything she says?

Five small voices answered in unison:

Okay, dad, you get the toy.

* * *

A woman entered a fruit store and said to the clerk, I want to purchase some fruit for my sick husband.

We have some very nice sweet cherries on sale for a pound a box, said the clerk.

She looked them over[36]36
she looked them over


[]
and decided to take a box. Then she added, Are they sprayed with poison?

The clerk replied,

No, maam.[37]37
No, maam. , .


[]
You can purchase that at the drug-store.

* * *

George, darling, what is it about me[38]38
what is it about me


[]
you find so attractive? Is it my personality?

No.

Is it my figure?

No.

Is it my charisma?

No.

I give in.[39]39
I give in. .


[]

Thats it![40]40
Thats it! !


[]

* * *

Doctor, doctor! I have a terrible stomach-ache. I ate three crabs last week.

Did they smell bad when you took them out of their shells?

What do you mean by took them out of their shells?

* * *

In a psychiatrists waiting room two patients are having a conversation.

One says to the other, Why are you here?

The second answers, Im Napoleon,[41]41
Napoleon


[]
so the doctor told me to come here.

The first is curious and asks, How do you know that youre Napoleon?

The second responds, God told me I was.

At this point,[42]42
at this point


[]
a patient on the other side of the room shouts, No, I didnt!

* * *

The manager of a large company noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.

What is your name? was the first thing the manager asked him.

John, the new guy replied.

The manager scowled,

Look, I dont know what kind of a place you worked at before, but I dont call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only Smith, Jones, Baker thats all. My name is Mr. Robertson. Now what is your last name?

The new guy sighed and said, Darling. My name is John Darling.

Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is

* * *

A woman called and asked,

Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whos luggage belongs to whom?

No, why do you ask?

She replied,

Well, when I checked in[43]43
checked in


[]
with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and Im overweight, is there any connection?

You know, the city code for Fresno is FAT, and the airline was just putting a destination tag on your luggage!

* * *

The doctor said that a champion had a temperature.

How high is it, Doctor? he wanted to know.

Thirty and nine, said the Doctor.

And whats the world record? asked the champion.

* * *

Is that Nora? asked Willy.

Yes, Nora is speaking, answered the girl.

Marry me, Nora, and marry quick.

Yes, I will, was the reply, but who is speaking?

* * *

If your brother has five apples and you take two from him, what will be the result?

He will beat me.

* * *

Whats the matter with you, darling? Lily asked her husband. Monday you liked beans, Tuesday you liked beans, Wednesday you liked beans, Thursday all of a sudden[44]44
all of a sudden


[]
you dont like beans.

* * *

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he bought a soft drink.[45]45
soft drink


[]
He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole.[46]46
filled in the hole


[]
While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old.

Wait, wait, the fellow said to the men. Can you tell me whats going on here?

Well, we work for the county government, one of the men said.

But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. Youre not accomplishing anything. Arent you wasting the countys money?

You dont understand, mister, one of the men said, while he was leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. Normally theres three of us, me, Joe and Mike. I dig the hole, Joe sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back.

Yes, added Mike. Now just because Joe is sick, that doesnt mean we cant work, does it?

* * *

I have 12 legs, 12 arms and 8 heads. What am I? A liar!

* * *

Lord, I have a problem! Whats the problem, Eve? Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but Im just not happy. Why is that, Eve? Lord, I am lonely. Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you. Whats a man, Lord? This man will be a flawed creature,[47]47
flawed reature


[]
with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly, hell basically give you a hard time. But hell be bigger, faster, and stronger than you.

I can put up with that,[48]48
put up with that


[]
says Eve. Well, but there is one condition. Whats that, Lord? Youll have to let him believe[49]49
to let him believe


[]
that I made him first.

* * *

A blonde and a brunette are skydiving. The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord nothing happens. She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing. The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells, Oh! So you want to race,[50]50
to race


[]
right?

* * *

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race[51]51
important race


[]
on a new horse. The horses trainer meets him before the race and says, All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, ALLLLEEE OOOP! really loudly in the horses ear. If you do that, everything will be fine. The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainers ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. They carry on[52]52
carry on


[]
and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, embarrassed, whispers Ale ooop in the horses ear. The same thing happens the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, Its no good, I must do it, and yells, ALLLEEE OOOP! really loudly. Sure enough, the horse jumps over the hurdle with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third. The trainer asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, Nothing is wrong with me, its this bloody horse. What is he deaf or something?

The trainer replies, Deaf?? DEAF?? Hes not deaf, hes BLIND!

* * *

A man was wandering around a fairground[53]53
was wandering around a fairground


[]
and he saw fortunetellers tent.[54]54
fortunetellers tent


[]
He had nothing to do, so he went in and sat down. Ah said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. I see you are the father of two children. Silly fortuneteller, scoffed the man, Im the father of THREE children! The woman grinned and said, Thats what YOU think!

* * *

A man says that he saw a ghost. So his friend asks him what the ghost said to him. How can I understand, replied the man, what he said? I dont know any dead languages.

* * *

A patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth. Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do? Dentist: Wear a brown tie!

* * *

A photographer for a national magazine was invited to take pictures[55]55
to take pictures


[]
of a great forest fire. A small plane will wait for you to fly you over the fire, said the editor. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough,[56]56
sure enough


[]
a small airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, Lets go! The tense man was sitting in the pilots seat. So the plane rose up and soon they were in the air. But they were flying erratically. Fly over the north side of the fire, said the photographer, And make several low-level passes.[57]57
make several low-level passes


[]
Why? asked the nervous pilot. Because I want to take pictures! yelled the photographer. Im a photographer, and photographers take pictures! The pilot replied, You mean youre not the flight instructor?

* * *

Little Johnny: I dont think I deserve a zero on this test.

Teacher: I agree, but its the lowest mark I can give you.

* * *

An Irishman, by the name of OMally proposed to his girl on St. Patricks Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young girl showed it to her father, a jeweller. He took one look at it and saw it wasnt real.

The young girl returned it to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.

It was in honor of St. Patricks Day, he smiled. I gave you a sham rock.[58]58
: sham , rock ; shamrock ( )


[]

* * *

A very well known doctor and extremely well known lawyer get into a car accident way out on a country road. The lawyer sustains no injuries[59]59
sustains no injuries


[]
from the crash but notices that the doctor is injured. So he runs over to his car and helps the doctor out of the twisted wreckage and offers the doctor a drink out of his flask. The doctor happily accepts the drink and takes a big swig[60]60
big swig


[]
of whatever alcohol was in the bottle. He hands it back to the lawyer who promptly puts it back in his pocket. Youre not going to have a drink? asks the doctor. The lawyer replies, Yes, but Ill wait till the police leave!

* * *

A woman walks into a bank in London City and asks for the loan officer. She says shes going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow ?5,000. The bank officer tells her that the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce thats parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the banks underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the ?5,000 and the interest,[61]61
the interest


[]
which comes to ?15.41. The loan officer approaches her and says: We are very happy to make this transaction.[62]62
transaction ( , )


[]
But please tell us, why did you borrow ?5,000? Well, where else in London City can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen pounds?

* * *

A young man was hired by a supermarket. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, Your first job will be to sweep out[63]63
sweep out


[]
the store. But Im a college graduate,[64]64
college graduate


[]
the young man replied indignantly. Oh, Im sorry. I didnt know that, said the manager. Here, give me the broom Ill show you how.

* * *

An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength[65]65
with last ounce of strength


[]
he wrote a note, dropped it, and died. The son was so overcome with grief that he didnt remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note: it can be his fathers will![66]66
will


[]
He read it. It said: You fool get off[67]67
get off


[]
my oxygen pipe!!!

* * *

An airline captain was in love with a very pretty new blonde stewardess; the route they were flying had a stay-over[68]68
stay-over


[]
in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the days route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up.[69]69
called her up


[]
What happened to her? She answered the phone, she was crying and said she couldnt get out of[70]70
get out of


[]
her room. You cant get out of your room? the captain asked, Why not? The stewardess replied, There are only three doors here, she sobbed, one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says Do Not Disturb!

* * *

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on. The first surgeon said, I like to operate on librarians. When you open them up[71]71
open them up


[]
everything is in alphabetical order. The second surgeon said, I like to operate on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order. The third surgeon said, I like to operate on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded.[72]72
color coded


[]
The fourth surgeon said, I like to operate on lawyers. The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief.[73]73
in disbelief


[]
One of them asked why. The fourth surgeon replied, Because they are heartless, gutless, and spineless!





: 1 2