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‘Exactly! I’d be the worst wife ever.’
‘But, honestly, El, I think coming to meet the schoolgirls will be good for you. They’ll all be super impressed with what you’re doing, you’ll realise they’re not the “Mean Girls” you thought they were in Year Ten, and it will distract you from everything else that’s going on.’
‘Oh fine. So long as you promise to still come round to mine on Saturday for commiseration drinks? I’ll get Emma on board.’
‘Deal.’
I walked into Chotto Matte in Soho feeling as if I should be waiting tables rather than eating. My skinny jeans and oversized jumper may have looked casually chic in the office, but now I felt underdressed and frumpy. Especially when I followed the waiter down to our table and saw fifteen models sitting there.
‘Oh my God, Ellie,’ squealed Maisie. ‘You look amazing. It’s so good to see you. I can’t believe how long it is!’
She pulled me into a hug. ‘You look great too,’ I said lamely. ‘Really nice to see you.’
The rest of the girls turned around and enveloped me in turn, so I had to repeat the exact same small talk fifteen times. By the time I got to Lara, I gave her a death stare. I was an idiot for ever thinking this would be a good idea.
We sat down and I gulped at the prices on the menu. There was a sharing option that started at £40 per person. Without drinks—of which I would be needing many to get through this dinner. Fuck. Maybe I could just get a side and feign being full from a large lunch?
‘So, how have things been?’ cried Polly. ‘It’s been forever. I hear you’re working for London Mag these days—that’s pretty cool. Is it amazing?’
‘Um, yeah, I guess so. Minus the psycho boss, the long hours and the fact that I don’t get paid for it.’
‘Shit,’ she said with a momentary frown crossing her Botoxed face. OK, it wasn’t Botoxed, but no doubt it would be in ten years.
‘How are you anyway?’ I asked.
‘Oh, amazing,’ she said, the frown disappearing. ‘Like, obviously it’s so intense working in law, but the work is so great, and I love the people. Also, Alex works for Goldman Sachs next door, so we basically just share cabs home the entire time, and he lives round the corner in this amazing penthouse apartment his parents got him, so it’s ideal.’
‘Wow, that’s, um, amazing,’ I said.
Lara caught my eye and snorted.
‘So how did you meet Alex?’ asked Lara. ‘I’ve seen pictures on Facebook, but I haven’t met him yet. It sounds like it’s all going well though?’
‘Yeah, it’s so good. I’m so lucky. We actually met through mutual friends at uni, but we didn’t really get together until this summer. He’s really nice. You’d like him. I think he knows Jez actually—are you two still hooking up?’
Lara groaned. ‘Sadly, yes. I do plan on ending it soon, but the sex is just so good … I mean, he’s a commitment-phobic idiot, but we’re having fun, so I guess it kind of works for now.’
‘Ah, I know what you mean,’ said Polly. ‘We’ve all been there, don’t worry. I reckon as soon as you find someone new, you’ll totally forget him.’
‘Yeah, maybe I’ll meet an incredibly eligible lawyer when I start my training,’ said Lara.
‘What? No, you cannot date your colleagues,’ cried Polly. ‘Trust me. That’s a recipe for disaster. Hey, what about you, Ellie, are you seeing anyone?’
‘Um, no, not right now.’
‘Oh, right,’ she said, eyes glazing over.
‘But I did have a thing with someone at the end of uni,’ I continued.
‘Oh my God, tell me everything!’
‘Well, it was just this guy called Jack. He was an artist, quite a few years older than me. We were dating for a while, we slept together, and it was all good.’
‘Um, and then what?’ asked Lily. I realised that by now the whole table was listening to me. ‘Oh my God, did you lose your virginity?! Shit, Ellie, that’s huge!’
I smiled weakly. I’d forgotten how gossip-hungry everyone at school had been. Considering I’d been one of the few girls to graduate with my virginity, the state of my hymen was clearly pretty big news.
‘Yep,’ I said. ‘Jack took my V-plates.’
‘Ahhh!’ everyone shrieked in excitement. ‘OMG, congrats, Ellie. How was it? That’s amazing—tell us everything.’
This was why I’d never send my daughter to an all-girls school—no question was off limits. At one point we’d even known each other’s period cycles.
‘It was good. I mean, we only did it the once, but it was fine. It didn’t really hurt.’
‘Oh my God, amazing. So then what happened?’ asked Katie.
Oh shit. Now I had to tell them that Jack hadn’t really cared about me and then gave me ‘the clap’. So much for trying to come across as new cool Ellie who has her shit together—this just proved I was the same girl who managed to bite a guy’s penis.
I glanced at Lara. She wouldn’t care if I lied. I looked at the girls. They were all sitting open-mouthed, waiting for the next instalment. I don’t think they’d ever been so interested in me when I was the virgin at school. Maybe I should go with the truth—if they wanted gossip, I could definitely provide that.
‘So … a few days later, we went for coffee and he told me how much he believed in true love, and that he’d never felt this way before.’ The girls gasped collectively. ‘Only, then he said that “Luisa” had changed his life. It turned out he wasn’t talking about me—he was talking about someone else.’
‘Oh my God, no way. That’s insane,’ said Lily. ‘I can’t believe that actually happened.’
‘Do you know what’s even worse?’ They all shook their heads. ‘Luisa had chlamydia.’
‘Wait, do you mean …?’
‘I got chlamydia from the one time I had sex.’
The girls burst into laughter, and I grinned with them. I’d never had a sex story to make them laugh before. Normally, it was me sitting there open-mouthed listening to their stories, but being the centre of everything was definitely more fun.
‘That is so funny, Ellie,’ said Maisie. ‘I mean, he sounds like a total wanker, but at least you got a good story out of it.’
‘Yeah, a story and an STD in exchange for my maidenhood. Not a bad deal.’
She laughed in response. ‘Exactly. Hey, Cass, didn’t you get chlamydia twice at uni? That was hysterical.’
‘OK, it wasn’t as bad as it sounds. It was from the same guy.’
‘I’m not so sure that makes it better, Cass,’ said Lara. ‘But if it makes you feel better, I once did something even worse. I broke Jez’s penis.’
‘What?’ I cried. ‘How have I not heard this story?’
‘Shit, did I never tell you?’ she said. ‘God, it was a couple of years ago now. I think you must have been away. It was so funny though. I was on top, and I think the angle was weird, because suddenly he screamed. I got off him and his penis was, like, bent in half. We had to go to hospital and it turned out that I’d given him a penile fracture.’
‘Oh my God, that’s hilarious,’ cried Lily, after we’d all stopped laughing. ‘Reminds me of when I ripped Max’s foreskin in Year Nine after a pretty vigorous hand job.’
‘And that time when you got caught giving him a blow job by his mum! That was amazing,’ said Cass. ‘Ooh, look, the food’s here. We’d better stop being so filthy or we’re going to get kicked out.’
I looked up and saw plates of tiny dishes being served out. There were dozens of them. Seeing as the cheapest thing on the menu was about £7, this was not good. ‘You already ordered?’ I asked uncertainly.
‘Oh yeah, we just got a massive selection of stuff though. We figured it would be easiest,’ said Polly. ‘Doesn’t it look incredible?’
Guess I wasn’t going to be eating a side for my main, then.
‘I cannot believe we ate all of that,’ I said to Lara as everyone else chatted around us. ‘I feel a bit sick now.’
‘I know, right? Especially when Tania decided it was a really good idea for us all to tell our grossest sex moments. Cass’s one is still making me feel a bit ill.’
‘Ugh, yes. Now that’s a new fear for me—remind me not to have period sex. I really can’t handle the thought of him withdrawing and blood splattering onto the white walls. I feel so sorry for sixteen-year-old Cass. Must have been mortifying.’
‘Oh, it was,’ said Cass, leaning over to us. ‘It looked like a scene from The Texas Chain Saw Massacre. There were these red dots on the walls. We had to wipe them off afterwards and they left brown smudges.’
‘Ew, Cass!’
‘But you know what?’ she continued. ‘Weirdly, I had the best orgasm of my life two seconds before bloodgate. Who knew?’
‘Hilarious.’ Lara laughed. ‘I think my best ever orgasm was with this guy I met in my gap year. He had the most gifted tongue I have ever come across. I swear his girlfriend must be the luckiest person in the world.’
‘Oh my God, that is such an important quality in a guy,’ said Cass. ‘I once broke up with someone who refused to go down on me unless I’d showered two minutes before. I think he had hygiene issues.’
I laughed with them and then slipped away to go to the loo. It was fun chatting with the girls—I’d forgotten how funny they could be—but I was starting to feel weird. I knew it wasn’t a big deal that I couldn’t join in with any orgasm stories. Everyone knew I wasn’t exactly experienced and they didn’t really care, but I hated feeling as if I was on the outside of the conversation. It just made me feel left out. They were all having ridiculous amounts of fun having orgasms and casual sex, and I was categorically not.
It made me feel as if we were back in the school common room with everyone sharing funny virginity-losing stories while I still hadn’t even been kissed. I knew things were different now, but it was still shit to not feel part of the main events. I still had no idea what it was like to do a walk of shame, or have period sex, or even get licked out by a guy.
I wanted to have that fun. Now I wasn’t a virgin, why couldn’t I be out there getting with guys? It was fine having orgasms alone in my room, but I wanted to understand the euphoria that girls in movies had every time a guy went down on them. I wanted to know what was so good about sex.
I knew I’d be good at it too. I loved talking about sex and imagining it—if I just had the chance to partake in it a bit more, I bet I’d be a natural. I wouldn’t be the kind of girl who just wanted the guy to marry her in the morning. I’d be more than happy to keep it casual. Hell, I wouldn’t even need to get their number so long as they gave me an orgasm instead.
I stared at myself in the toilet mirror. I could do this. I didn’t have to just spend my twenties dreaming about this lifestyle—I could make it happen. All I needed to do was stop moping, and up my game.
If I wanted to know what it felt like to have orgasm-filled casual sex, well, there was only one thing for it—I had to start having more sex.
As of tomorrow, I needed to start slutting it up.
Chapter 3 (#uebcd41b9-4260-560c-bbba-7cae47d76e59)
It was Saturday night and Lara and Emma were sprawled across me on the sofa. I’d explained my plan to them with generally positive receptions, and now we were figuring out a way for me to meet my prospective sexual partners.
‘Ow, Ellie, move your elbow, I can’t see the screen,’ said Lara. I shifted my elbow, splashing rosé on the new third-hand sofa.
‘Oops,’ I said. ‘I should probably clean that up.’
‘No! This is the reason we got a black sofa, remember?’ said Emma. ‘Ignore it and type in the website already.’
‘OK, OK,’ I said. ‘But shouldn’t I be getting Tinder instead of going on a dating site? I feel a bit old-fashioned.’
‘Noooo,’ cried Emma. ‘I don’t care what everyone says—Tinder is still a sex app.’ Lara opened her mouth, but Emma ignored her. ‘I know that’s how everyone met their new boyfriends or whatever, but every guy I know still thinks of it as a way to get quick hook-ups. Like, you don’t even have to fill in any info on it. It’s totally judged on your looks. At least with an online site you have to make a bit of an effort.’
‘But I’m OK with casual hook-ups,’ I pointed out. ‘That’s kind of why I’m doing this.’
‘Oh fine, get Tinder.’ Emma sighed. ‘Just do this as well. Please? For me?’
‘Fine,’ I said. ‘Tinder can be my backup if this fails. So which online site shall I join?’
‘Definitely OKCupid,’ said Lara. ‘I’ve heard Plenty Of Fish is more of a sex-only site. Besides, I’m on OKC and I’ve seen so many normal people on there. There’s an option where you can search for people who have degrees—it’s amazing. One week I only searched for people who have PhDs.’
‘Exactly,’ cried Emma. ‘On Tinder you have no idea what anyone does, so you could end up going on a date with some old perv, or a chav with shaved eyebrows who works in construction.’
‘What’s wrong with construction workers?’ I asked, semi-offended. ‘One of my uncles in Greece is a builder.’
‘Oh my God, no, I don’t hate all builders,’ said Emma. ‘I love when the hot ones go topless. But I’m talking about the sexist ones who yell out “Oi, sexy” at girls on the street. You know?’
I shook my head at her. ‘You do realise that’s, like, the most ancient stereotype ever, and you’re just as bad admiring their abs?’
‘No, I get what you mean, Emma,’ said Lara. ‘You want to date someone on your level, which is why OKC is great.’
I raised an eyebrow at her, wondering when my friends had got so snobby. I’d be happy shagging a homeless guy so long as he was hot and chlamydia free.
‘I mean, I still get my fair share of messages from chavs with topless selfies who spell “your” and “you’re” wrong,’ continued Lara. ‘And quite a few just asking me when I’m free to fuck them … But I’ve also seen so many people I know on there, and loads of them went to uni, which makes me think we would at least have stuff in common.’
‘So have you gone on any dates?’ I asked her, knowing she would have already told me if she had.
‘Well, I’m still casually seeing Jez, but I started panicking I was wasting my prime years by dating a weed addict with commitment issues, so … I went on three last month,’ she replied.
‘Oh my God,’ I shrieked. ‘Three dates and you didn’t tell me? What the fuck, Lara?’ She hadn’t told me about breaking Jez’s penis either. Why was Lara hiding things from me?
She blushed. ‘I guess … Oh, I don’t know, I was kind of scared you’d judge me for being on a dating site.’
‘Judge you?! Hello, I’m the girl who stuck a bottle of bubble bath up her vagina and didn’t know you could get chlamydia from blow jobs.’
She snorted. ‘Yeah, fair point. Have you got rid of the chlamydia by the way?’
‘The doctor gave her some pills. She’s fine,’ interrupted Emma. ‘Anyway, I’m done with talking about STIs. Lara, tell us your dating stories.’
‘No, wait! First, tell me why you thought I’d judge you,’ I said, ignoring Emma’s frustrated sighs. I still felt weird Lara hadn’t said anything about all this. Oh God—maybe it was because she felt she couldn’t because I’m so virginal and new to sex?
Lara fidgeted on the sofa. ‘Oh, I don’t know, I guess just because most people who use dating sites are old, so I was a bit nervous you’d all think I was desperate or that it was a bit weird. But it just makes so much sense to date online,’ she said. ‘Like, you don’t have to bother with the cringeness of going to a bar and hoping you meet someone, then being depressed if you don’t. Or the pathetic hope that every cute guy on a park bench will come and ask you out.’
I nodded in support, trying to prove that I was exactly the sort of person she could have told all of this to earlier. ‘Totally. This is definitely the way I’m going to find my next shag as well. I don’t even have to leave my sofa or dressing gown to find a man. This site was made for me.’
‘So you really only want one-night stands and not a boyfriend?’ asked Emma.
‘Yeah, I think so. It took me so long to lose my virginity that now I just feel like I have all this lost time to make up for. I want to get out there and have amazing sex with different people. I like sex—well, the little I’ve had of it. But it wasn’t particularly fun, and I’m so ready for that. I feel like it’s God’s gift to us, to get orgasms and have a bit of fun while global warming is tearing the planet apart.’ The girls looked baffled. ‘I just want to have my slutty phase already.’
‘Slutty phase?’ asked Lara with a raised eyebrow. ‘You know how I feel about the word “slut”, Ellie. It shows the double standards society has for men and women. He’s a player, she’s a slut, etc. You know how it goes. Can’t you find a different word?’
