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Kainan held her. She buried her head in his chest, drinking in the scent of him, and the human connection she hadn’t realized she’d been craving calmed her.
“Where are you going after we pull out?” she asked, still clinging to him.
“To the front lines,” he said tersely. “Tonight.”
Her heart skipped a beat. The front lines were dangerous. Even if there was a cease-fire, the capital city of Helicia had become a tangled mess of debris, mines and IEDs. The thought of him getting hurt scared her.
“You’re shivering again,” he whispered as he rubbed her back.
“I’m just worried about you advancing tonight.” She looked up at him. “It’ll be dangerous.”
He grinned at her. “I will be okay. I will worry about you too, you know.”
“I’ll be on military transport, headed back to Canada.”
“Things happen—and Canada is a long way away. A whole ocean divides us.”
He reached out and stroked her cheek, wiping the tears from her face, and before she knew what was happening he was kissing her. Tenderly at first, and then possessively, but it felt so good and she kissed him back, gripping the collar of his tattered linen shirt as if his life and hers depended on it.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered breathlessly against her mouth. “I don’t know what came over me. I’ve gotten so used to being around you, seeing you every day, just the thought of not seeing you...”
She should put an end to it, the kissing, but she just wanted to feel. She wanted to give in to the attraction she felt for him. The white-hot lust.
It would be once.
Just one time.
It had been so long since she’d been with someone, since she had any kind of intimacy.
“No apologies—and don’t stop.” She kissed him again, running her hands through his hair.
“Reagan, we need to stop.”
“Why?”
“I’m advancing and you’re leaving. What future do we have?”
“Right now, none. But I’m not asking for a future, Kainan. I just want to feel tonight. I just want a connection with you. I’ve been fighting it since I met you.”
He nodded, his gaze holding hers. “Me as well.”
“So don’t stop,” she whispered, pulling him into another kiss which seared her very soul.
He stood to his feet, helping her up. “Come.”
Reagan thought that he was going to take her back to her camp, but instead he led her inside his tent, taking her in his arms.
“I want you so much, Reagan. I wanted you the first moment I saw you. But I don’t want to make you a promise I may not be able to keep,” he whispered against her ear.
“I care for you too. And you don’t need to promise me anything. I just want this.”
“As you wish,” he said, before kissing her again, making her melt into his arms completely.
* * *
It was dark outside and she could hear movement. People on the move to the front lines. She rolled over in the narrow cot that she and Kainan were sharing and glanced at her watch. It was midnight. In an hour her transport would be leaving. She had to pack up what little gear she had and get to the rendezvous point.
Kainan was already up and dressed in his uniform, which she’d rarely seen him wear at the mobile hospital. It was a bit surreal, and thinking about him in danger made her stomach knot with unease.
“I was just about to wake you,” he said gently.
“Sorry I slept so long here.”
“No, it’s okay.” He leaned over and kissed her. “I have to go with the next transport to the front lines. There is fighting going on in the city. More wounded. I’m needed there.”
“I thought there was a cease-fire?” she said, dressing quickly in her wrinkled clothes.
“There was, but some insurgents have been found hiding in the city. It will be taken care of.”
He said that with a finality which sent a shiver down her spine.
She finished dressing.
He took her in his arms and held her close.
“Please be safe,” she whispered, drinking in the scent of him. She wanted to remember every moment of this time with him, and she sent up a silent prayer that he would be safe.
“You too, Reagan. My beautiful Reagan. I shall never forget you.” Kainan kissed her. “Come, we’d better go.”
They walked out of his tent and saw the Hermosian camp was a flurry of activity. He walked her as far as he could, to where the Canadian forces were packing up what they could, ready to join the Hermosian Army.
“I’ll never forget you,” she said, and she wouldn’t.
How could she forget him? A man who had seemed to see past her fa?ade. A dangerous and yet gentle man, and one heck of a surgeon.
A man she’d been proud to serve with.
“Ditto.”
He kissed her hand one last time and then headed toward a large transporter that was waiting for him. He climbed up into the back of the armored vehicle and waved at her as the truck rumbled away into the darkness toward the front lines.
Please keep him safe.
Reagan headed back to the tent she shared with another surgeon. She packed up her kit bag and then waited for her transport.
It was past 1:00 a.m. when the radio in the mess hall crackled to life.
“Explosion. Hermosian medical transport attacked. All personnel dead.”
The words hit her like a rock and her stomach knotted. She closed her eyes and bit her lip as the words hit her.
Maybe it wasn’t Kainan’s transport?
She wanted to stay and find out if his name was on the list, but her transport came then.
She was airlifted to the waiting Canadian vessel which would take her back home. She was assigned her berth, but as soon as she’d set her bag down she found the nearest commanding officer from her unit.
“General Travis, do you have a list of casualties from that Hermosian medical transport?”
General Travis shook his head. “No, not a full list, but I know who you’re asking about and I’m sorry, Captain Cote. I know that you worked with Dr. Laskaris, but his name is on the list of those who perished. His dog tags were found and not much else. An IED near the palace went off.”
Reagan’s stomach twisted and she ran to the side of the boat, losing what little food she’d managed to eat since leaving Kainan and arriving on the transport, over the side of the ship.
General Travis patted her back. “I’m sorry, Captain.”
She nodded, and managed to keep the tears at bay.
This was why she kept people at distance, why she never let anyone in. Because in an instant they could be taken from you. They left. They died.
Kainan had wormed his way in past her defenses and now he was gone.
She was alone.
Completely alone.
She should have known better. She was meant to be alone.
It was easier that way.
Chapter One (#uea923d57-6a79-5041-9066-0cfaee4d22e4)
A year later, Toronto
REAGAN WALKED THROUGH the halls of the hospital in a daze. There wasn’t enough coffee in the world to wake her up. It had been a long shift at the hospital and then her infant son had a bad night. The cot in her son’s hospital room in the pediatric critical care unit wasn’t exactly comfortable, and she could use a break to go home and have a shower.
The problem was there was no one to give her a break.
It was just her and Peter in the world.
A year ago she’d spent an unforgettable night in Kainan’s arms. A night that she would cherish forever. Then he’d gone to the front lines and died for his country.
She’d come back to her life in Toronto, empty and alone.
Although it had turned out she was not completely alone, because her one night with Kainan had resulted in pregnancy.
It was the best gift.
A piece of Kainan.
A child.
Someone to love.
And she wasn’t going to make Peter feel like a mistake, the way her parents had made her feel.
Nothing she’d ever done had pleased them.
Her father had never wanted kids. When her mother had got pregnant with Reagan he’d stuck around, but he had always been distant. Over time, her mother had come to resent her for causing such distance in her marriage.
There had been times when she’d got shreds of love and affection from her mother, but it they had been few and far between.
She’d thought maybe being grandparents would soften her parents’ hearts.
She’d been wrong.
When she’d told her mother about the situation—about the baby and the father dying—her mother’s response had been heartless. Painful.
“Get rid of the problem, Reagan. You can’t raise a baby on your own.”
“I’m not getting rid of the baby, Mother.”
“Then what do you want from me, Reagan?”
Honestly, she didn’t know. Some part of her had hoped her mother would change, but she should have known better.
Reagan had always been a burden to them. And her getting pregnant overseas on a mission was just another disappointment for her parents. They were even more disappointed that she’d kept the baby.
As soon as Reagan had found out she was pregnant she’d vowed that she’d protect Peter. She’d give him the love she had never had, the compassion she had to learn by herself.
No one would hurt Peter. Ever.
Her parents had never cared about her. They’d only taken care of her because they were legally obligated to do so.
“I’ve never run from my mistakes, Reagan. That’s why I took care of you. At the time, abortion wasn’t an option.”
Reagan was a mistake. It hurt to hear it time and time again.
She focused on the lukewarm coffee she was drinking.
A baby had never been in her plan, but she was responsible for her actions. There were plenty of single parents out there, going it alone. And she would do the same. She would never let Peter feel as if he was an obligation or a mistake.
But what should have been one of the most joyous days of her life, when Peter was born, had quickly turned into her worst nightmare.
In all her years as an intern and then a resident in hospital, and then her time in the field with the Canadian military, serving as a trauma surgeon during natural disasters and being tossed into the fray of war zones, she’d seen many sick children. Critically ill children. It had always been a deep-rooted fear of hers that one day, if she ever had a child, something might happen to that child.
She had never been able to handle the thought of it.
And then it had happened.
