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I struggle to my feet without the aid of his proffered hand. He chuckles at my refusal of help, shoves his fists into his pockets and saunters back to the bar, whistling. I trudge behind. I could have shouted for help. I could have screamed, You lied! You looked! A single word would have broken the spell. I stayed silent. I’m not sure why. What I am sure of is that this must be my fault.
It is impossible to speculate how long I might have continued in this muddled state.
Two weeks later, I traipse downstairs at breakfast-time to discover that Ma has retreated to her room, bedridden by her fearsome and unexplained women’s ailments. At school, I daydream that luck will smile; that Arthur will come through the door at the very moment Ma is shouting at me. I picture him stepping into the fray and calming her wrath. She’ll listen to her brother; she has to. She’ll lay her head upon his shoulder and promise she’ll never be angry, never again.
The moment the bell rings I race home. As soon as I open the door I know he is there. Some pleasurable tickle in the air betrays his presence. I dash into the kitchen and am swept into his arms.
‘Princess!’ he roars.
‘Was ever a mother so blessed,’ says Nana.
In feature and bearing Uncle Arthur and Ma are more alike than two bottles of beer set one next to the other. My mind supplies the unkind observation that one is bitter, one mild. I thrust the thought aside hastily.
‘How about a stroll to pick blackberries?’ says Arthur, kissing me till I giggle. ‘If that doesn’t strike you as the most boring idea in the world.’
‘Never,’ I gasp.
The waste ground between the tracks and the canal seethes with brambles.
‘Keep an eye out for trains, eh?’ he says. ‘Let’s get you home with both legs attached.’
We wave to the folk as they rattle past. Those in third class wave back. The grand folk in first class do not.
‘They can sneer all they want,’ says Uncle. ‘They’re not having blackberry pie for their supper.’
The first few berries explode under my fierce fingers.
‘Pick them, don’t throttle them,’ he advises. ‘They’re not your enemy.’
After a while I manage better and show off the tin proudly for inspection. He nods approval each time. The berries tantalise me deeper into the bush, the next always better than the last: bigger, juicier, each drupelet as inviting as liquorice. My mouth waters.
‘Can I eat any?’ I ask shyly.
‘Of course you can. Go for the ones that burst when you touch them. They’ll go off before we can get them through the front door. But they’re fine to eat now. How’s that for a plan?’
We beam at each other. Brambles brush my face and snag my pinafore. I yelp as I prick myself. He takes my hand to inspect the thorn.
‘Close your teeth around the tip. Don’t bite or it’ll snap and you’ll never get the blighter out.’
I do as instructed. It is like kissing my finger.
‘Now, spit.’
Simple as that, it is gone.
I study my palm. ‘It’s not even bleeding.’
He smiles. ‘They don’t go deep. Only a problem if you leave them and they fester.’
Even with the handfuls I stuff into my mouth, the tin fills with remarkable alacrity.
‘Done already?’ asks Uncle, peering at my hoard. ‘Let’s be getting off, then.’
‘We don’t have to,’ I say, stabbed with disappointment. ‘There are thousands. Look, I can carry them in my apron.’
‘They’ll stain. Blackberry juice is the very devil to get out. Don’t make work for your ma.’
We pick our way up the siding. In my mind’s eye, Ma sits up in bed, remarking how much better she feels. Even though the sun beats down on my head, clouds may as well have pulled a curtain across the sky. I clutch Arthur’s hand.
‘Who’ll make the pie?’ I whisper. ‘You or Ma?’
‘You’re stuck with me tonight, Edie,’ he says. ‘Though I’m sure your ma makes better pastry.’
‘Mm,’ I murmur, spilling some of the berries. They tumble across the pavement like soft marbles. ‘They’re dirty!’ I sob.
Uncle kneels and begins to pick them up. ‘Nothing a rinse under the tap won’t sort out.’
‘It’s your fault!’ I wail, far more upset than I should be.
‘Ah well,’ he says mildly.
He returns the rescued fruit to my tin. The kitchen is empty on our return and my spirits rally. Uncle gets started on the pastry, rolling a sheet so vast it swamps the dish. I glance at the door, afraid that Ma may clump into the kitchen and knock him out of the way. The afternoon ticks away. When the pie is slumbering in the oven, he sits beside the range and fills his pipe.
‘You keep looking at the clock, Edie.’
‘Do I?’
He pulls me close. ‘My little pickle. I could gobble you right up.’ He nuzzles my neck, presses his eye to my cheek and flutters the lashes. ‘Here come the butterflies!’
‘Don’t! No!’ I squeal.
He draws away. ‘Want me to stop?’
‘Never.’
I make a special effort to smile, which eases some of the clutching of my heart. He pats his knee.
‘How about a story?’ he asks.
‘It’s not bedtime.’
‘Who knows what’ll be afoot by then.’
I clamber on to his lap and cling to his arm, solid as oak beneath the shirtsleeve. ‘A story, please. Yes. Now,’ I gabble.
As he reads, I run my finger across his stubbled chin, revelling in his perfume of tobacco and fresh sweat. He smiles and on an impulse I throw my arms around his neck and squeeze.
‘Careful, child,’ he says. ‘I can hardly breathe.’
‘Yes you can,’ I say. ‘You’re as strong as a bear. You can take any amount of hugging.’
I burrow into the broad sweep of his chest and imagine a home where he lives all of the time. A home where his shirt warms next to the hearth and a pipe of tobacco stands by. My throat tightens. Each mouthful of air has to negotiate its way past a stone lodged there.
‘Uncle.’ I press my ear to the slow thump of his heart. ‘Don’t go,’ I say, whispering the disloyal words. ‘I wish you were my pa.’
If he hears, he shows no sign. The weight of his hand alights on the crown of my head and warmth seeps into my scalp, as though a night-cap has been laid there. ‘Shush now, my pet,’ he purrs.
Very gently, unnoticeably to begin with, he rocks backwards and forwards, cradling me in the safe sweep of his arm. It is a feather-light embrace, more precious than all the shillings in the till on a Saturday night. I steel myself not to cry. I am a grown-up girl. Besides, if I begin, I don’t know if I’ll be able to stop.
‘Don’t worry, Uncle,’ I breathe, and manage to make the words sound level. ‘I’m happy.’
It is not a lie. I am happy when he is in the house.
‘I love you too, Edie,’ he replies. ‘Don’t you forget it.’
‘I won’t.’
‘Be brave. Chin up.’
‘Yes, Uncle.’
The room sweetens with the scent of baking pastry. He drifts into sleep, head tipped back, mouth agape. I devour him with my eyes, as though by some trick of memory I can gorge myself on this moment and keep it forever; as though, by sheer force of childish possessiveness, I can hold him here.
Perhaps it is guilt at wanting him to stay that makes me do it. Perhaps it is curiosity. Perhaps I want to plumb the mystery of Ma’s monthly troubles and discover what transforms her into a hermit. Perhaps Ma’s sobriety is a lie and she spends three days as a dancer in a high-kicking line of women with frothy petticoats. Perhaps it is something for which I have no word.
I slip from my uncle’s lap. He does not stir. His breath wheezes in and out, halfway to a snore. I pour a cup of tea and stir in an extra spoonful of sugar. Nana is always praising its powers. By taking a cup to my slumbering mother I shall prove I care for her.
I tiptoe up the stairs with such a pounding of the heart, I think it will pop out of my mouth. The cup shivers on its saucer in a sympathetic rhythm. I pause at the stairhead. Ma’s door presents a blank face. I try the handle and nothing happens. I am surprised by how relieved I feel. I can slink downstairs, climb back on to my uncle’s knee and chide myself for disobedience. He can drink the tea.
But the catch is merely stiff. I twist it fully and the chamber releases with a clank. The door swings open, hinges shrieking. The curtains block out the sunlight but I can make out the mound of Ma’s body upon the bed, bundled up beneath the quilt. The noise is sure to have woken her. She does not move.
‘Ma?’ I whisper. ‘Here’s a lovely cup of tea.’ I hold my offering at arm’s length as if its perfume might steal into her nostrils and tempt her awake. ‘It’s nice and hot. Just as you like it.’
Nothing. My hand trembles. The china clinks.
‘Ma?’ I say, louder.
Outside, the rag and bone man yells rag a’ bo’aah! loud enough to rouse a bear from hibernation. Ma does not budge.
‘Ma!’ I cry.
I run to her bedside. There is not so much as the gentlest snore to be heard, not a breath. I’m seized with panic. Have women’s problems been the death of her? Hard on the heels of fear dawns the thought that if she is dead, Uncle Arthur can stay forever. I will be happy. I shove it away but it is too late: it is the worst thought I’ve ever had. Everything Ma says is true. She does know me better than I know myself. I am a horrible child.
‘Ma?’ I quaver. ‘Please don’t be dead. I love you.’ I try to sound sincere, but quail with the knowledge that she’ll know I’m lying. ‘I don’t want you to die!’ I wail.
She does not answer. I don’t deserve to have a mother. I don’t deserve anything. I reach out and grasp her shoulder. It is pliable to the touch. Hardly like bone.
‘Ma?’ I ask, withdrawing my hand.
There is no reply. I prod her with a timid finger. She gives way as though her body is the consistency of rag pudding. Some awful change has been wrought upon her. The ailments at which she hints so darkly are so ferocious they have rendered her boneless. Crazed with misery and terror, I shake her – hard. Something breaks off under the blankets. I freeze. The room is ghastly with silence.
‘Ma!’ I shriek. ‘I’ve killed you!’
I hurl myself on to her prone form, hugging her so fiercely the headboard rattles. The cup of tea spills across the eiderdown. I must clean it right away or it will stain. I tear away the covers, revealing Ma’s body. Except it is not Ma’s body. I blink. It has to be, I tell myself. But, however many times I squeeze my eyes shut and open them, the truth is incontrovertible. Laid along the length of the mattress is a line of cushions.
My mind reels. Where has she gone?
I race downstairs to tell Uncle Arthur the terrible news. He nods in the chair, blanketed in the scent of baking. If I wake him, this moment will shatter as surely as if I threw a bucket of stones upon it. I dread what he may say: that Ma is a dancer in the halls, does make a spectacle of herself in a skirt of feathers and nothing else.
But that’s not what I truly fear. I don’t know why, but somehow I’ll be the one to blame for Ma’s absence. After all, I’m the one Ma never kisses. I’m the one Ma won’t hug. If Ma goes away for three days, it’s bound to be because of me.
I can’t bear the thought of Uncle Arthur’s face changing from love to coldness; can’t bear the thought that today’s hug may be the last. I tiptoe to my room, and do not speak a word: not to him, not to Nana, not even to the picture of Papa. If I don’t tell, no one will know what I’ve discovered. If I pretend hard enough, maybe I can convince myself it didn’t happen. Even if it’s a lie, I’d rather have a happy lie than the agonising truth.
Two days later, Ma is in the kitchen when I come downstairs for breakfast. I run to her and bury my face into her apron.
‘Don’t cling,’ she snaps. ‘You’re not a baby. I can’t move for your mithering.’
‘Where’ve you been?’ I moan.
‘In bed.’
I squeeze harder. She walks peg-leg across the kitchen, dragging me with her. I’m so relieved to see her that any determination to keep my secret disappears into thin air.
‘No you weren’t.’
She grinds to a halt and grasps my shoulders. ‘What did you say?’
‘I brought you a cup of tea,’ I mumble. ‘You weren’t there.’
Her features twist. She looks like a dog backed into a corner. ‘I told you never to disturb me!’ she roars, giving me a furious shake. ‘Spying on me, were you?’
‘I was scared you’d gone forever!’
‘Scared?’ Her eyes shift from cornered to crafty. ‘Yes, of course I’d gone. I can’t stand being around you with your infernal snivelling and pawing.’
‘Ma!’ I wail.
‘Don’t you come crying to me. All you had to do was give me three days’ peace. You’ve brought this on yourself.’
This is the secret Ma and Nana argue about. I should have guessed it. I am so unlovable my own mother has to escape from me each month. This is why she is always angry. I deserve it. I must do. Ma would never lie. Of all the tasks I set myself, it was to make Ma love me. I have failed.
GNOME (#ulink_bb6c99cc-beac-5bc4-8ae7-9cd390988d3e)
1899 (#ulink_bb6c99cc-beac-5bc4-8ae7-9cd390988d3e)
Every night it’s the same.
I come to, gasping, and I’m off that bed like it’s on fire. I squint at the mirror but won’t be convinced till I’ve run my hands the long and the short of what I see: head, fingers, knees and toes, ballocks and bumhole. It’s only then I can breathe easy. I’m in one piece, all twelve fine upstanding years of me.
