скачать книгу бесплатно
He had to strain to hear it, so quiet was the sound. But the harder he concentrated – the more he strove to tune in – the louder it grew, until eventually he identified a voice, androgynous in tone.
It took longer still to comprehend the actual words, delivered in a sing-song manner that was neither quite human nor robotic. At first he heard what appeared to be gibberish. Another language perhaps, but not one he recognised. And yet as he focused his mind on the sound, piece by piece, word by word, he gradually began to understand.
It was one sentence, repeated on loop: ‘Follow the light to its source and find yourself.’
Light? What light? There was only darkness here.
Wasn’t there?
He looked all around. Saw nothing.
And then the briefest flicker of white in the far distance.
It was barely anything – and yet it was something.
Something that wasn’t pain.
A purpose.
CHAPTER 1 (#u00f55b73-67e4-5a28-8ded-1ef08fe0ca11)
NOW (#u00f55b73-67e4-5a28-8ded-1ef08fe0ca11)
Friday, 20 July 2018
What time had Mike started drinking? He’d seemed merry when Lisa had got home from work, but she’d let it go. It had been nice to see him smiling for once, even if it was artificially induced, and she’d assumed he’d only had a couple of beers. It must have been considerably more than that, though, for him to be so far gone now.
It was no secret that her husband liked a tipple; in recent weeks, they’d spoken several times about how the frequency of his drinking had increased since he’d stopped working. She’d voiced her fears that it was getting out of control and he’d argued otherwise. At best, this had come in the form of calm reassurances that he wouldn’t let it escalate too far. At worst, it had been a slanging match, with him shouting at her to get off his back and her calling him an alcoholic. Not that Lisa actually thought he was. Not yet. She just wanted to shock him into cutting back before it really did get out of hand. But maybe she’d misjudged the situation.
‘What’s wrong?’ Mike asked. ‘Don’t you like it here?’
Lisa wanted to point out that he was slurring his words, despite the fact it was barely 8 p.m. and they were still waiting for their starter to arrive at the restaurant. But at the same time she didn’t want to ruin the evening. He’d arranged it as a surprise to celebrate their wedding anniversary: an unusually thoughtful gesture. So much so that when he’d told her this morning, before she’d set off for school, her initial response had been to wonder what he’d done wrong and was trying to make up for. She’d not vocalised this, thankfully. Nor had she expressed her concern about the cost of a decent meal out in Manchester. They could barely afford to get takeaway in their village; never mind get a taxi to and from the city centre for the privilege of enjoying overpriced food and drink. That was the cold hard truth. But she’d weighed up the matter at work, where it had been the final day of term before the summer holidays, and decided to throw caution to the wind for once and enjoy a rare night out.
So Lisa had dug a pair of heels and her favourite black dress out of the wardrobe; she’d used the curling tongs to add some life to her dull, limp blonde hair for the first time in ages, and made more than the usual cursory effort with her make-up. Mike had worn the smart navy shirt she’d bought for his birthday, swapping his usual jeans and trainers for chinos and tan brogues.
But she couldn’t enjoy being with him when he was so plastered. He might be sitting up straight and behaving himself so far, but his eyes had gone – and that was never a good sign. Being out with her husband in that state was like riding in a speeding car without a seatbelt on.
‘Hello? Earth to Lisa.’
‘What was that?’ she replied at last, shaking her head in a bid to focus.
‘I asked whether you liked it here or not, but you were miles away. What’s up?’
‘Oh, nothing. Sorry. I was thinking about work.’
‘Anything I can help with?’
‘No, it’s not important,’ Lisa fudged. ‘It’ll take me a few days to switch off, that’s all.’
‘I apologise if I’m boring you,’ he said before taking a long swig from his pint of lager, his eyes darting around the restaurant, looking everywhere except in her direction.
Lisa took a deep breath. Things were on a knife edge already, which did not bode well. Thankfully, a young female waiter turned up with their starters. She beamed a toothy grin at them. ‘Hi, folks. So who’s having the butternut squash soup tonight?’
Lisa raised her right hand and smiled back as the girl presented her with the large white bowl, two-thirds full with its steaming orange contents and central swirl of sour cream. ‘There you go. Enjoy.’ She turned to Mike. ‘And the beef carpaccio for you, sir?’
He smiled. ‘Thank you.’
Lisa noted her husband’s eyes lingering a moment too long on the waitress’s ample chest, on display in a partly unbuttoned white blouse, as she leaned over the table with his plate. How embarrassing, she thought, her fingers squeezing her thighs under the table. The girl looked young enough to be his daughter, for God’s sake. And Lisa couldn’t remember the last time he’d looked at her with that degree of lust. They’d barely touched each other in months.
She bit her tongue, lowering her nose over the soup bowl instead to breathe in the aroma. ‘Oh, wow,’ she said. ‘That smells delicious. Yours looks lovely too. Excellent choice coming here, love.’
‘Don’t sound so surprised.’
‘Why not? You springing this on me is a lovely surprise. And of course I’m not bored. I just need a little time to get into school holiday mode. You know how it is.’
‘Not any more,’ Mike said.
‘Oh, come on. Let’s focus on the positives and enjoy ourselves. I’m very impressed. You thought of everything, even arranging for the kids to have sleepovers tonight. Anyone would think you were trying to get me alone.’
This made Mike smile, as she’d hoped it would. He’d always been a sucker for flattery. Feeling the tension dissipate, she allowed herself to sit back in her chair and enjoy a sip of her gin and tonic, trying to heed her own advice.
Things were all right for a while. Although it was still obvious to Lisa that Mike was drunk, he managed to behave himself throughout the starter and main course. This was partly down to her efforts to keep the conversation light and chatty, avoiding danger topics and even engaging in some light flirting with him. She did her best to appear relaxed and happy, although in truth she felt like a firefighter tackling a smouldering blaze near a petrol station. She went with his suggestion to get a bottle of red wine to accompany the steaks they’d both ordered, but drank more than she usually would in a bid to reduce his intake. This backfired when, without warning, he grabbed a passing waiter and ordered a second bottle.
Feeling tipsy now, Lisa couldn’t stop herself from intervening. ‘Wait a minute,’ she said, grabbing the waiter’s arm before he had a chance to leave and then looking at her husband. ‘Is that really necessary, love? Don’t you think we’ve had enough?’
The look Mike gave her in return was thunderous. ‘Ignore my wife, please,’ he said with feigned calmness, his eyes locked on to her face, daring her to contradict him again.
The waiter, not much older than his female co-worker and probably also a student, shuffled awkwardly on the spot, looking from one to the other. ‘Um. What, er—’
‘I said to bring me another bottle of red,’ Mike snapped, raising his voice loud enough so that several nearby diners turned to look.
‘Yes, of course, sir. Right away.’ He shot towards the bar without looking at Lisa again and her heart sank.
Mike thumped his right fist into the top of the small dining table, causing a loud clattering sound that drew yet more inquisitive glances. ‘What the hell was that?’ he growled. ‘Are you trying to make me look like an idiot?’
‘You do that all by yourself when you thump tables and raise your voice in public, Mike. Excuse me for daring to question whether we need another bottle of wine or not.’
Lisa realised at this moment, mortified by her husband’s behaviour, that she barely recognised him as the man she’d married sixteen years earlier. Physically he hadn’t changed that much. He still had the same broad shoulders, brown eyes, olive skin and thick stubble she’d fallen in love with when they’d met as trainee teachers. Even his short black hair wasn’t that different, despite receding a little and gaining some flecks of grey. No, these changes were on the inside, which was worse. The very public collapse of Mike’s career had mentally scarred him in all kinds of ways – and Lisa feared that the funny, kind, driven man she’d once adored may have disappeared for good.
‘If I want another bottle, I’ll have one,’ he slurred.
‘Don’t you think that maybe you’ve had enough?’
‘Oh, here we go. I was waiting for this.’
‘Well, I wasn’t going to say anything, but I could tell you were pretty plastered when we arrived – and now you’re embarrassing me. How much did—’
‘I’m the embarrassing one?’ he replied. ‘That’s rich coming from you. I go to the effort of organising this, and how do you repay me? By making me look stupid in public. Thanks very much. You’ve ruined everything now. Bloody typical.’
Lisa shook her head. ‘I think you’ll find—’
She was interrupted by the return of the waiter, who avoided looking at her as he delivered Mike’s wine and unscrewed the cap. ‘Here you are, sir. Would you like to try it first?’
Mike shook his head and gestured for him to fill his glass. After he’d done so, the waiter’s eyes fell on Lisa’s glass; he hesitated before looking in her direction. ‘Madam, would you, um, like me to—’
‘No, thank you. My husband will be drinking the bottle alone.’
Lisa regretted saying this almost straight away – not because of how it made Mike look, but because it further embarrassed the waiter, who was just a young guy doing his job. He nodded awkwardly before leaving the bottle in the middle of the table, clearing away the unwanted remains of their main course, and scuttling off, leaving the pair of them scowling at each other.
Mike was seething. That much was obvious. But so was Lisa – and she’d not been the one to start the row. Usually she did her utmost to avoid such confrontations, but buoyed by the alcohol and a sense of injustice, she had no intention of backing down on this occasion.
‘Well,’ she said. ‘I’m so glad we came out to celebrate our anniversary like this. How lovely.’
Her husband’s reply was to empty his glass in one go before pouring himself another. ‘Happy?’ he asked her.
‘Ecstatic,’ she replied, standing up and removing her handbag from the seatback.
‘Where are you going?’
‘Toilet. Is that okay with you?’ Then before Mike had a chance to react, Lisa grabbed his glass and threw the wine in his face. Leaving behind the sound of his spluttering and shouting, she sprinted for the exit, retrieving her jacket from the coat stand on the way and instructing the bemused receptionist that her husband would settle the bill.
The first thing she did after hitting the pavement was laugh. She howled like a maniac as she made her way to the nearest taxi rank, no longer minding that people were staring. She couldn’t believe what she’d done, but she knew where it had come from. That was repressed frustration bursting out. Lisa knew the tiptoeing around her husband couldn’t last forever. She’d desperately tried to give him enough space to lick his wounds. But there was only so much time she could wait for him to pick himself back up. For too long there had been a tightness in her chest; a knot in her stomach. She’d squashed down her feelings, like a coiled spring; it felt great to release them at last.
However, her elation began to fade in the taxi home to Aldham, giving way to the realisation that she and Mike had major issues to iron out. She didn’t exactly feel guilty about throwing the wine, still believing her husband had driven her to it. But she was ashamed at how they’d behaved in public. She imagined how mortifying it would be if someone they knew had witnessed it.
‘Late night at the office?’ the driver asked her as they sped through the city streets.
Charming, she thought, wondering who would go to work in heels and a cocktail dress.
‘I’m a primary school teacher, so no,’ she snapped, pulling her mobile out of her bag to avoid further conversation. Luckily, he got the hint and turned on the radio.
It was 8.42 p.m. and still broad daylight, emphasising how strange it felt to be heading home so soon. At least she knew she’d have the house to herself when she got back. Until Mike followed her, of course, although she hoped that wouldn’t be for some time.
Lisa looked down again at her phone and noticed she was gripping it so tightly that her fingertips had gone white. Mike hadn’t contacted her so far. Her guess was that, despite the soaking she’d given him and the inevitable red wine stains on his clothes, he’d stay out drinking by himself, drowning his sorrows and telling his sob story to anyone who’d listen. She didn’t want to think about the row they’d eventually have; it was as well that the kids were out.
At home she kicked off her heels, changed into her dressing gown and flopped on to the couch with a cup of tea. She had promised herself a large glass of white, but that was before the booze from earlier started to wear off, making her feel grotty. More alcohol was the last thing she wanted.
She was flicking aimlessly through TV channels when her phone vibrated on the coffee table. Rather than Mike, it turned out to be Sandra, a fellow teacher and her closest friend at work. She’d sent her a text message from the taxi, hinting at what had happened and hoping for a girlie chat.
‘Hello?’
‘Lise, hi. Are you okay?’
‘Not really. Tonight’s romantic meal turned into a disaster.’
‘How come?’
She recounted the story, veering from tears to laughter and then back again in the process.
‘Oh my God,’ Sandra said. ‘I can’t believe you did that. Was it a full glass of red?’
‘Yes. Was that terrible of me?’
Sandra giggled. ‘Sounds like he had it coming. And he didn’t say anything afterwards?’
‘I didn’t wait around to find out. I jumped straight in a taxi and came home. I’m sure he’ll have something to say when he gets back.’
‘When are you expecting him?’
‘No idea. Do you think I should call his mobile or send him a message?’
‘Gosh, I really don’t know, Lise. Whatever you think is best. He’s had some time to cool down now, but it’s a tricky one.’
‘He’s probably getting plastered in a bar somewhere, moaning about his psycho wife.’
Sandra, who had only met Mike a handful of times, asked: ‘Don’t be offended by this, but, um, he’s not likely to hurt you or anything, is he? You know, if he comes back in a state. Because if you need somewhere safe—’
‘Mike would never lay a finger on me,’ Lisa replied. ‘He has his faults, but he’s not that kind of man. Thanks for caring, though.’
‘Well, you’re always welcome here. You know that.’
‘You’re a good friend, Sandra, but I’ll be fine. There’ll be a big row at some point, I’m sure, but nothing I can’t handle.’
Lisa felt better after ending the call. It was always good to chat to a friend for moral support at challenging times.
She finished her cup of tea and picked up the remote control to unmute the television. A programme about border control at Australian airports was showing. She was about to flick over but got hooked by the tales of people trying to smuggle in contraband.
Watching this made her think about her childhood friend Elliot, or El as she often called him. Although he’d lived down under for the past two decades, he still regularly popped into her thoughts. They’d been best friends throughout their years at secondary school, only for him to emigrate after their A-levels. They’d written regular letters to each other at the start, but eventually these had petered out as life got in the way.
Since Lisa had never been one for technology or social media, her only recent contact with her old friend had been infrequent emails and Christmas cards. All the same, she’d always dreamed of going to visit him one day. They’d been so close as kids – gone through so much together – she couldn’t imagine them not getting along any more. She was confident that they’d carry on where they’d left off, chatting away nineteen to the dozen and making each other laugh at silly things. Mind you, El was quite the success story these days. He’d set up a lucrative technology firm in Sydney and, according to the letter tucked into his card last Christmas, had recently created a popular app for smartphones and tablets. In fact, from what Lisa had read in the Sydney Morning Herald after searching online, this app was doing extremely well. It was some kind of fun educational tool for toddlers, which had already netted him a fortune, by all accounts. Maybe that meant he’d outgrown her.
Lisa was musing on this when the doorbell rang. Oh dear, it must be Mike, she thought, her heart sinking. Who else would call round so late on a Friday night? He was probably so drunk that he’d lost his key. She took a deep breath, turned off the TV and went to answer the front door. Time to face the music.
CHAPTER 2 (#u00f55b73-67e4-5a28-8ded-1ef08fe0ca11)
He was in a small, box-like room without a window. The plastered walls and ceiling were cream: smooth, unmarked and with no fixtures or fittings. A powder-coated white metal door was the only way in or out.
Somehow the room was brightly lit, although this puzzled him, since he could see no obvious light source.
He was sitting at a table in the middle of the room, struggling to grasp how he’d got there or, indeed, where that was. He needed time alone to review his thoughts and memories in order to try and make sense of this. But the man sitting on the other side of the table in the smart black suit and tie, the sort you’d wear to a funeral, kept staring at him and talking.
‘Are you in any discomfort?’ the man asked in a northern English accent. He’d introduced himself earlier, hadn’t he? So why couldn’t he remember his name?
‘Sorry, what was that you just asked me? I don’t seem to be able to, um—’
‘I was asking whether you’re in any pain. Sometimes, when people have been through such a major trauma, there’s a sort of residual … well, yes, discomfort. It usually passes pretty quickly.’
That word pain had thrown him; diverted his mind to unwanted memories. ‘Sorry to be weird,’ he said after taking a moment to regroup his thoughts. ‘I’m struggling to focus. Please could you repeat that once more?’
