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I hang up and spin my chair back around, placing the photograph back down on the desk. Was Michael lying to me? Does he put all his tutorials in his diary? I don’t know. But I know that he never used to make excuses to avoid spending time with me. There once was a time we’d do anything we could to grab just a few precious hours together, yet now, it’s almost like we’re living separate lives.
Breathing in deeply, I exhale slowly, as though I’m ridding myself of those negative thoughts.
What was my husband hiding?
Chapter 5 (#u28d53c1a-ba28-5d02-b807-910d7f751486)
‘How did your tutorials go this evening?’
Michael looks up from his books, takes off his glasses and slides them into the top pocket of his shirt. And his expression – I can tell he’s slightly confused. I don’t usually ask about tutorials, they’re not something we ever really talk about. He likes to keep some kind of student-professor confidentiality thing going, but in this case, there weren’t any tutorials, were they?
‘Tutorials?’
I watch his expression change, almost a little too quickly there. I think he’s just realised what he told me this morning.
‘They went fine.’
He slips his glasses back down and drops his gaze, and that’s how it is. How it’s been for months now. And it isn’t fair, it isn’t how it should be, but it’s his way of dealing with everything – it isn’t mine.
‘Did you see Liam? In the pub, I mean.’
He lets a couple of beats go by before he slowly looks back up at me, and his expression is verging on exasperated now; he doesn’t even attempt to hide that frustrated sigh.
‘I’m extremely busy, Ellie. As you can see.’
He indicates the pile of books in front of him, and I get the message. Sometimes it’s just easier to give in rather than fight.
I walk over to the fridge, take out the bottle of wine I opened last night and I pour myself a glass. I don’t ask Michael if he wants one. When we’re alone, like this, even those simple, ordinary exchanges are rare. I keep my back to him, taking a long sip of wine, closing my eyes as the cool liquid slips down my throat, settles in my belly – that familiar alcohol-hit my welcome friend once more, though Michael thinks we’re becoming increasingly closer these days.
‘Ellie … I’m sorry.’
He comes over to me, pulls me into his arms, and before I can take another breath he’s kissing me. A beautiful, slow, deep kiss, and I wind my arms around his neck as I push myself against him, his erection digging into my thigh and I gasp quietly as he slides a hand up under my skirt, pushing my underwear aside as he lifts me up onto the countertop. I can’t remember the last time we had sex outside the bedroom; spontaneous, unexpected sex. I can’t actually remember the last time we had sex, the last time we both wanted it. So this is a surprise, and even though I think this might be his way of stopping dead a conversation he doesn’t want to get into, I think we need this. I know I want it, now that it’s happening. I want him.
Placing my hands palm-down behind me I lean back as he pushes inside me, closing my eyes as I feel him move, feel his hands on my knees keeping my legs apart, and I bite down on my lip as his thrusts start to pick up pace, quicken slightly, almost as though he’s taking an element of frustration out on me, or maybe that’s just me over-thinking this; the reasons why he’s acting this way, now. But the sex is slightly rough, and that was never Michael’s style. And then, as if he’s just realised what he’s doing, he slows down, his thrusts suddenly become more gentle, measured.
I keep my eyes closed, keep my head thrown back, but then I feel his hand slide around onto the back of my neck, forcing my head up, making me look at him as he comes with a force so brutal it almost tears the breath from my body, his eyes burning into mine, and it’s only when he’s done that he breaks that stare, drops his head, but he keeps his hand on my neck. And nobody says anything. I can’t. I don’t think I could get the words out. My throat feels tight, and my heart is beating so fast and so hard it’s difficult to catch my breath.
He slowly raises his gaze, but we remain silent. I think we’re taking a moment, to remember who we used to be, what we once were. Who we’ve become. Sex, when it happens, has been almost paint-by-numbers for us since – well, for a while now. He hasn’t done this, hasn’t touched me in this way for so long, and as I stare deep into his eyes I feel as if I’m breaking into a million tiny pieces. I feel as though I’m shattering from the inside out, I’m confused. This – us, this isn’t what we do; isn’t what we’ve done for so long, and there are reasons for that. Have we suddenly got past those reasons? No. So this – this only makes everything all the more confusing.
He suddenly lets go of me, and without saying a word he heads off into the hall, to the downstairs bathroom. I stay where I am, leaning back against the counter, turning my head slightly to stare outside. It’s dark now, but our decked terrace and part of the garden are illuminated by various solar-powered lights, and for a few seconds that’s what I focus on – the lights. It’s only when I hear Michael come back into the kitchen that I pull myself together, take a deep breath, and I smile at him. Just a small smile, and I have no idea if it got as far as my eyes but it was a smile.
‘I’d better go and get cleaned up, too.’
But as I edge past him he gently takes hold of my arm and stops me, swinging me back around to face him.
‘I really am sorry, Ellie.’
He keeps saying that, all the time, he keeps saying he’s sorry, keeps apologising.
I turn around to face him. ‘What for?’ Given our circumstances, that’s a loaded question, and he knows that.
He bows his head, runs a hand along the back of his neck, and he’s about to say something when his phone rings, and I’m not sure whether I’m irritated by the interruption or relieved that it may have stopped us from embarking on another of those conversations we just can’t seem to handle.
He picks his phone up from the table and looks at the screen. ‘I need to get this.’
I nod, and the second he gets up and turns his back to me I practically run upstairs, not stopping to take a breath until I’m safely behind the privacy of our bedroom door. That’s when I take a second to breathe, to compose myself. He’s lying to me. I’m almost sure of that now. He’s lying to me. And there has to be a reason for that. He wouldn’t lie to me unless he had something to hide. Or maybe he’s just trying to protect me. Maybe that’s all he’s doing, but I don’t need protecting. All I want is for what happened … I don’t want him to lie to me.
I head into the en suite. I need a shower. And when I’m done I pull on sweatpants and a t-shirt and I look at my reflection in the full-length mirror by the window. Turning sideways I lay a hand on my stomach, and I close my eyes, keeping them squeezed tight shut as my breath catches in my throat; as I feel my heart start to race, my skin become clammy, I can’t breathe, for a second or two. I can’t breathe. I get them every so often, these brief panic attacks that come from out of nowhere, sweeping over me with a brutal force. But I’m learning to handle them, or I’m trying to. And once again I flick that switch that pushes everything to one side, drop my hand, and step back from the mirror, swallowing down breath as it finally dislodges itself from my throat. I need another drink.
Back downstairs Michael’s nowhere to be seen, he’s not in the kitchen. I go into the orangery, but he isn’t in here either. And then I look towards the double glass doors at the far end of the orangery, the ones that lead through to the extension that houses the swimming pool. He’s there, poolside, pacing up and down, still talking into his phone, his hand running continuously along the back of his neck, and for a second or two I don’t move, I just stand there. Watching him. And then he stops pacing, faces the floor-to-ceiling windows that look out onto the garden. He leans forward, presses his forearm up against the glass, drops his forehead so it rests against it.
I move a little closer, my eyes fixed firmly on him. He’s still talking to whoever it is who’s decided that calling him this late is a good thing. Maybe it’s just Liam, but their phone calls to each other usually last about three seconds, just long enough to make sure they both know where they’re meeting, what time their squash game or football match is. They’re not exactly your heart-to-heart kind of friends. Are any men?
I go back into the kitchen and pour myself another glass of wine before I head into the living room, switch on the TV, trying to keep things as normal as possible. Until Michael walks into the room.
He places a fresh bottle of wine on the table beside the couch and throws himself down onto the chair by the fireplace.
‘Is everything okay?’ I ask, not missing the slightly weary expression on his face.
‘Everything’s fine. It was just one of my students. She needed some help with a project I’ve set for a group of them, that’s all.’
I feel my shoulders tense up. She needed some help? What kind of help?
He sits back in his chair and he smiles at me. ‘Come here. Come on.’ I get up, let him pull me down so I straddle him, and I close my eyes as he kisses me; as his fingers lightly stroke the base of my spine, causing my skin to break out in goose bumps. ‘I’ve told them they shouldn’t call this late, but, you know, they keep telling me I’m their favourite professor, who am I to let them down when they need me?’
I can’t help smiling too. This is what he does, how he reeled me in all those years ago with that disarming smile and those bright blue eyes. But I still want to ask him questions, ask exactly who he was talking to, why they were calling so late, was this really just about help with a project?
‘Michael…’
He gently pushes my hair back off my face, lightly kisses my slightly open mouth.
‘This is what I do, Ellie. It’s what I’ve always done. And I know what you’re going to say but I’m not going to compromise my students in any way. If they need my help, at any time, I’ll give it to them. I thought you understood that.’
‘I do, it’s just …’
‘It’s my job. To look after my students. It’s my job. Okay?’
He looks at me, his blue eyes burning deep into mine. He’s ending this conversation. He’s told me as much as he’s willing to tell.
I climb off him, go back over to the couch, and I anticipate the coming silence. He won’t want to do this, he won’t want to go where I’m heading.
Silence. Loaded with secrets. Hurt. Guilt.
‘It’s been over a year, Michael. And nothing’s changed.’
He drops his head, a sign that he doesn’t want this. And I can see what he’s been trying to do, all night. He’s been using his charm, using that smile, using sex to try and distract me. To try and stop me from doing this. But that only works for a short time. And this, what I’m seeing now, his body language, I’ve seen it all too often over the past few months, and a knot of frustration pulls tighter inside my gut. We’re done here. And he doesn’t make any attempt to stop me as I get up and leave the room, and that breaks my heart. It kills me.
I feel tears start to stream down my cheeks as I run upstairs, and I hate that I’m still crying. Is he really just accepting this as us now?
I get ready for bed on auto-pilot, going through the motions until I can finally crawl under the covers and wait for sleep to take over. But it’s not coming easily tonight, and I lie there, staring at the wall, until I feel Michael slip into bed beside me; feel his arms wrap around me from behind, pulling me back against him and I close my eyes as his fingers slide between mine. We’ll go to sleep, wake up in the morning, and everything will be back to that new normal that fills our days now. A kind of normal I’m having to get used to, even though it’s not one I want. But this is the way it’s been for over a year now. The way I fear it’s always going to be. And while Michael may be willing to accept that, I’m not sure I can …
Chapter 6 (#ulink_d28e9b63-279a-51de-8c78-bcb6718e2179)
‘Hey! What are you doing here?’
I’m surprised to see Michael at the spa. He hasn’t set foot in the place since he came with me to view the building a few months ago.
‘You left your phone on the kitchen table. I thought you might need it.’
‘Oh, right… thank you.’
I look at the screen, see that there are about a dozen missed calls I’m going to have to return.
‘Sorry … I was in such a rush this morning, I forgot to make sure I had everything. I hope this hasn’t made you late.’
He smiles at me, jerks his head back towards himself and I step out from behind reception, let him pull me into his arms, quickly kiss the tip of my nose, and I scrunch it up, laughing quietly.
‘I haven’t got a lecture until ten-thirty. You haven’t made me late.’
‘Can you stay for a coffee? I could show you around …’
I feel his body stiffen, almost as if a switch has been flicked and he lets go of me, pulls his phone from his pocket and looks at it. ‘I’d better get going. I still have to prepare some notes.’
Disappointment floods me, but I’m not going to push it. There’s no point. ‘Okay. Well, thanks for this.’ I hold up my phone and he throws me another smile before he turns away and heads out, stopping to talk to a couple of staff members who are hovering around in reception before he leaves. I watch closely as he exchanges pleasantries with Gillian, one of my masseurs, laying a hand gently on the small of her back as he leans in to her, both of them laughing at something he says. He’s a born flirt, my husband. He’s always been that way, he can’t help himself, charm oozes from every pore, and I think a lot of women find the fact that he’s an English literature professor but looks more like a movie star quite appealing. It was probably half the reason I was attracted to him, if I’m being honest. But the way he’s talking to them, when he finds it so hard to say anything to me, it’s like a knife in the back.
I turn away and busy myself sorting paperwork behind reception, and when I glance back up Michael’s gone, but as I look outside, I see he hasn’t left yet. He’s leaning back against his car, his phone to his ear. I come out from behind reception and go over to the huge bay window that overlooks the front grounds and car park. He’s still talking into his phone and he’s smiling. It looks as if whoever he’s talking to – it’s a friendly conversation, I’m guessing.
I fold my arms and take a deep breath, briefly closing my eyes. I’m letting way too much get to me lately. Maybe everyone’s right, maybe I am working too hard, but what choice do I have? I’m not the kind of person to sit back and let someone else take the reins. Besides, having something to focus on, it’s necessary.
Dropping my head, I take another deep breath, and when I look back up Michael’s getting into his car. I watch as he pulls away, drives out of the grounds. But I don’t move, I stay where I am, even though he’s out of my sight now. He’s out of my sight …
*
‘I seem to be getting a lot of male visitors this morning.’ I glance up as Liam sits down opposite me at a table out on the terrace. I’m taking a break, but I’m still surrounded by paperwork. I just thought a few minutes out in the sunshine might be nice. I thought it might help to clear my head. It hasn’t.
‘Well, I knew you’d be busy, so I thought I’d bring you some lunch.’ He slides a tub of salad towards me, the corner of his mouth twisting up into a smirk.
‘There better be a sandwich to go with that.’
He reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out two triangle-wrapped sandwiches. ‘There you go. Ham and cheese okay?’
‘Perfect. Thank you.’
‘Are you lecturing this afternoon?’ I ask between mouthfuls of salad and sandwich.
He shakes his head, taking a sip of coffee as he looks around at the newly landscaped grounds that surround the terrace that leads out from the spa’s garden room.
‘No. I’m heading back to the lab. Got a couple of meetings this afternoon plus a mountain of paperwork to catch up on.’
‘But you still found time to go and buy me lunch, huh?’
I smile and he returns it. ‘Don’t want you going hungry. You can’t run an empire on an empty stomach.’
I sit back and briefly drop my gaze. ‘Did you and Michael …?’ I look up, my eyes meeting his. I need to know if he’s lying to me, too. ‘You met for a drink, right? Last night?’
Liam frowns slightly. ‘Yes, we did.’
‘Okay.’
‘Something wrong, Ellie?’
‘He’s lying to me, Liam. He said he had tutorials last night, but he didn’t. There was nothing in his diary, I checked with Sue. So, where was he? Between leaving the university and meeting you, where was he?’
Liam’s head drops, his hands clasped tightly together, and for a few, long beats he says nothing. But he knows, he understands what Michael and I went through; the reasons why we are the way we are now. That’s why I can talk to him.
‘I don’t know, Ellie,’ he sighs, raising his gaze and dragging a hand back through his hair. ‘I don’t know where he was.’
‘Did he say anything to you?’
‘Jesus, Ellie, come on. We don’t sit there and share emotional shit. We don’t do that.’
I look at him and I suddenly realise how tightly my fingers are gripping the arm of my chair and I quickly loosen that grip, feeling my shoulders sag as I do so.
‘Look, I know that what happened …’ He drops his head again, and I don’t miss the way he wrings his hands together. He’s frustrated, I can tell. ‘Nobody expected you to get over it in a fortnight, it was never going to be that simple, but, maybe now’s the time to start dealing with it. Properly.’
‘I’mdealing with it, Liam. You, of all people, know I’m dealing with it.’
His eyes are back on mine and he’s still frustrated, he isn’t hiding that fact.
‘Yeah. I guess you are.’
He stands up. He’s calling an end to this conversation, one I’m not even sure got started. There was more I wanted to say. Even though he doesn’t know everything, nobody does, he understands enough. And I need him, to talk to.
‘I should be going. I don’t want to be late for those meetings.’
‘He won’t talk about it, Liam. He won’t go there. I mean, sometimes it’s like he refuses to acknowledge it even happened. Is that the best way to deal with it?’
He shrugs and that irritates me, it really does. ‘Maybe, in this case, it is. I mean, how are you dealing with it, Ellie? Hmm? How are you really dealing with it, because, there are times when you don’t want to talk about it either.’
I look at him and I want to say something but I don’t know how to respond, because he’s right.
‘Sometimes talking isn’t always the answer, Ellie. You know that better than anyone.’
I stand up, gather my things together and start to make my way back inside. It looks as if we’re finished here.
‘Ellie, come on. I’m sorry, okay?’
I turn around and he comes over to me; he takes my hand and he gives it a gentle squeeze, his thumb running lightly over my knuckles. He doesn’t want me to go back inside angry or upset. I get that. He’s a good man, Liam Kennedy. A good friend, to both of us … though a better friend to one of us.
