Accidental Dad

скачать книгу бесплатно


But this confusing soft spot for him couldn’t blossom into anything else. She wasn’t here for romance. For a long time she’d prayed for a family, a husband, a home of her own. God hadn’t answered that prayer. Just because she felt welcome here, was needed for a little while, didn’t mean anything had changed. Her mother was right. Kelly could not step into the middle of Marina’s family and take over.

Not that she wanted to, she reminded herself. There were so many places she had yet to explore, so many things to discover. For three years she’d dreamed of visiting Indonesia. Okay, that had to be put on hold, but the goal hadn’t faded. She still wanted to go there.

As much as you want to see Sadie and Emma grow up?

I can’t support myself here, she told that contrary voice in her head. The only job I know is cruising. It’s what I do. It’s what I’m good at, even if Mom doesn’t think it worthy of her daughter.

Which meant that come August, once Sam and the kids were settled, Kelly would return to her life on the seas. She’d trod a hard path to learn that was God’s plan for her, and having done so, she was committed to following God’s will no matter what the personal cost.

“Face it, kiddo. This is only a temporary stop on your life’s path,” she whispered. “Be a blessing however you can so that when it’s time to go, you leave with no regrets.”

But even as she said it, Kelly had a hunch that when she finally left the Triple D, saying goodbye to Sam would be difficult.

* * *

Sam glanced around the fellowship hall, worried when he was unable to spot Kelly’s slim figure among the few friends still left in the room. Neither his parents nor hers knew where she’d gone. Sadie and Emma were in a corner playing with their dolls. He walked over and crouched down beside them.

“Did you two see where Auntie Kel went?” he asked, not really expecting an answer.

“Into the church,” Sadie said.

“She’s sad,” Emma whispered.

“In the church?” He frowned. “But we’re already in the—oh.” Realizing they meant the sanctuary, he made sure they were under supervision then rose to search out Kelly. It took a minute to spy her seated in the dim light. When he did, the tears streaming down her face made him swallow, hard. “Kelly, what’s wrong?”

“This is where Marina prayed, Sam. She brought her kids here to learn about God. She came here to gather with her friends to share her dreams.” She gulped then lifted her heavily lashed lids to gaze at him, eyes shiny. “I can’t seem to accept that I won’t ever be able to hear those dreams or tell her mine, or find out what she loved most about living on the ranch. I can’t tell my sister how sorry I am I didn’t come earlier.” She wept as if her heart was breaking.

“She knew.” Sam drew her into his arms, holding her as he tried to comfort her with the only words he had. “Sisters, brothers, twins—we all have an intangible bond, Kelly. We know we’re loved, even if we don’t get around to saying it to each other often enough.” He smoothed a hand down her back, hoping his words would offer her a bit of ease. “Marina knew you cared about her.”

“Did she?” She took the handkerchief he offered and dabbed at her eyes.

“I know it. And deep inside, I think you do, too.” Even red-eyed and weeping, Kelly was a stunning woman. As she drew away, Sam’s arms felt bereft. For a moment he recalled the companionship and affection he’d found with Naomi. Then he remembered that God had let her die, and the lump of hurt inside him that had begun to soften solidified once more.

“I’m sorry to weep all over you.” Kelly forced a smile to her pretty lips. “I guess I needed a moment to regroup.”

“Nothing wrong with that. I should have made sure you had some free time earlier,” he apologized ruefully. He’d been so worried about the kids he hadn’t given a thought to Kelly’s grief. Was that because he didn’t want to think about his own loss and the emptiness of his life without Jake?

“How do you handle it, Sam?” Kelly stared at him curiously. “Do you question God?”

“About many things,” he said with a dredged-up smile. “I’m trying to accept that even though I don’t like it, it was time for Marina and Jake to go.” He hesitated then spoke what lay on his heart. “At least God didn’t let them linger and suffer first.”

“He did that with someone else?” Kelly’s soft voice soothed like a cool palm on a thudding forehead. “Someone you loved.”

That part was not a question, but Sam nodded anyway.

“Naomi?” It wasn’t sheer nosiness that made Kelly ask. He could tell from her body language, the angle of her head and the way she leaned forward, that she was searching for something to help ease her own bereavement.

“My fiancée.” Sam swallowed. It had been a long time since he’d discussed this with anyone, including Jake. “She got cancer.”

Kelly waited, hands folded in her lap, watching him. He stared at the picture of the Good Shepherd. Jesus cradled a small lamb in one arm. His eyes oozed kindness and understanding, but Sam wouldn’t let himself be swayed by the lure of faith because he couldn’t survive being let down by God again.

He felt her warm fingers curl around his, nudging away the lingering sadness. “I’m so sorry, Sam.”

“So am I. She was a great person, served God with everything she had. Nothing was too much for Naomi if it was for her Lord.” He rose, paced in front of Kelly as all the old questions bubbled up once more. “She was His child,” Sam blurted, unable to harness the anger roiling inside. “Why make her suffer?”

“I don’t know.”

Though embarrassed by his outburst, Sam liked that Kelly didn’t make excuses or offer a silly reason like “for the greater good.” Neither did Kelly trot out the familiar adages that God is always good or that He always does what’s best for His children. She was the only person he’d spoken to about Naomi’s death who didn’t try to make him the bad guy for questioning God.

“I wish I had answers for you, Sam.” Kelly rose, smoothed her clothes then looked directly at him. “I get through the days by hanging on to one thing. God understands what I’m feeling because He suffered, too. His son was murdered so He knows all about grief.” Her voice dropped almost to a whisper. “I’m sorry you’re suffering.”

“Thanks.” Why was he crying on her shoulder instead of trying to comfort her? Sam shook his head to disperse the past. “I wish you didn’t have to leave,” he admitted quietly.

“More time wouldn’t help.” Her lovely mouth lifted in the beginning of a smile. “Anyway, I have six months to do whatever I can to help you adopt the twins. But then I have to go back where I belong.”

“You belong here with your family,” he protested, intrinsically knowing it was true.

“I don’t have a place in your family, Sam. I don’t even have one in mine.” Her voice wobbled slightly, but she got it under control with a halfhearted chuckle. “I belong on a cruise ship.”

“That’s not true. Your father—”

“Soon won’t notice if I’m here or not,” she finished, her voice sad. “This morning he forgot my name. That’s not going to improve, so I’ll just have to make the most of the time we have together.” She inclined her head. “We’d better get back to the others.”

“Yes. I’ve left the twins too long,” he agreed with a wry look. “Stay here if you need a few more moments alone.”

“I don’t.” She gave him a spunky grin. “But even if I did, I’m too afraid of what we’ll find if we don’t get back to the twins now.”

“You’re learning.” Sam chuckled as he walked with her to the fellowship room. Sure enough, Sadie stood toe-to-toe with Arabella.

“No, you can’t say that about Auntie Kelly,” she told her grandmother in an iron voice. Sadie turned her back, took Emma’s hand and led her toward Sam. “We’re going home. Now.”

“Yes, we are,” he agreed, thankful that the room was empty except for the two sets of grandparents, the pastor and some of the church ladies who’d served the food. “You two get your coats on but stay inside. We’ll go home in one of the big white cars.” He shot Kelly a look, hoping she’d recognize his silent request for help.

“I’ll come with you, girls,” she said immediately. “Uncle Sam, do you think they’ll warm up the car while we’re getting ready?”

“Yes, ma’am.” He leaned down near her ear to tease, “West Coast weakling. Can’t take a little cold?”

“It’s not a little cold.” Kelly leaned back to inform him in a pert tone, eyes sparkling with challenge. “It’s an Arctic blast, and I can hardly wait to get out of it.”

“You can’t leave us, Auntie Kel!” Sadie grabbed her hand and clung. “Please? I’ll be good. I won’t yell at Grannybell anymore, even if she does say bad things.”

“Bad things like what?” Sam immediately demanded with a frown at Arabella.

Sadie risked a look over one shoulder before she answered in the quietest voice Sam had ever heard her use.

“She said Auntie Kelly is going away because she never stays anywhere, and that Aunt Abby is gonna get us a new mommy and daddy. She said Emma and me might have to live in different houses.”

With steely control, Sam swallowed his anger. This was the house of God, a place Jake and Marina had taught the girls to revere. He wasn’t about to set a bad example, but he was going to straighten out Arabella and now was as good a time as any.

“That’s not right, Sadie.” Sam hunkered down to her level, unable to help himself from issuing a heartfelt prayer that God wouldn’t make him wrong about this. “Your home is on the ranch with me, Sadie Lady. You and Emma are my family. Aunt Abby’s going to help us make sure it stays that way. Okay?”

“Sure?” Sadie studied his face, eyes trusting. “Certain sure?” It was their special code, a cross-your-heart kind of promise that Sam wouldn’t break his word.

Please don’t let me disappoint her, God. Prayer number two—from a man who no longer prayed?

“Certain sure,” he insisted, too aware of Kelly watching him with a warning in her dark gaze. Sam ignored it as Sadie threw herself into his arms. He hugged her close, closed his eyes and inhaled that special fragrance that could only be Sadie while he mustered his third plea.

Just this once could You answer my prayer?

Chapter Four (#ulink_e0182a00-c927-5e80-81eb-24faa562275c)

Kelly had no idea what Sam said to her mother, but later that afternoon a chastened Arabella declined the offer to join the family for dinner, claiming a headache. She even declined the tray Kelly brought to her.

“I just want to sleep, to forget this day ever happened,” she said tearfully. “I want my daughter back.” Then her voice hardened as her shoulders went back. “I should never have allowed Marina to come to this place.”

“Allowed her?” Kelly gaped at her mother. “Mom, you couldn’t have stopped her. Marina loved it here with Jake and the kids. This was her home. She chose to live here and it was her choice.”

“You don’t understand.” Arabella’s scathing tone hurt, but Kelly kept her focus.

“You think not?” She couldn’t quite rid her voice of sarcasm. “Marina was my sister, my twin sister. I feel her loss as deeply as you, but I can’t wish her back. Why would I when she’s with her Lord?”

“You don’t understand because you haven’t had children. A mother feels things differently when it’s her own child. There’s a connection that’s like no other connection.” Arabella sniffed.

“The same might be said about twins,” Kelly murmured, trying not to feel hurt that her mother apparently found no such connection with her.

“Those twins would be better off somewhere else.” Arabella’s lips clamped together in a tight line.

“How can you say that?” Aghast, Kelly stared at the woman she’d never felt she understood. “This is their home.”

“Their foster home. Temporary. They’ll make a new home with some other woman.” Arabella shrugged. “Marina wasn’t their real mother no matter how much everyone pretends.”

“She was as much their mother as she was Jacob Samuel’s.” Kelly grit her teeth when Arabella shook her head.

“The connection between mother and child comes from carrying a baby near your heart for nine months. Marina had that with Jacob Samuel.” Her face wan, Arabella leaned back against her pillow with a sigh. “But she made do with the twins.”

“You mean like they were second best?” Indignant, Kelly smothered the words she longed to say to snap her mother back to reality. She was here to make things better, not worse. “If Marina heard you say that she’d be furious, Mom. She loved the twins as much as if they were her own flesh and blood. Pretending she didn’t is not a credit to her memory.”

“You’re pretending, sidling up to Sam, acting as if her family is yours because you have no one in your life.” There was a kind of sneering sound to the words. “Why did you come back, Kelly?” her mother demanded.

The question stopped Kelly in her tracks. She refused to show how deeply those words wounded. “I came back because my twin sister died, and I wanted to be here to help however I could.”