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‘You did. You said you needed to get away, and rethink your priorities. That you’d become too fixated on finding the right guy, when what you really needed was to find a guy,’ Ruby replied, quoting words back to Ella she couldn’t remember saying.
She’d been in a fog at the time, probably even in a state of mild shock after visiting her local doctor. She’d booked the holiday at the last minute, packed and headed for the airport the very next day, partly because she hadn’t known how to tell Ruby her news. For the first time ever, she’d been unable to confide in her best friend, and that had been the scariest thing of all.
‘I thought that’s what you meant,’ Ruby finished, sounding thoroughly confused now. ‘That you were heading to Bermuda to get laid.’
‘Not precisely.’ Ella felt the weariness of keeping the secret start to overwhelm her.
‘So what did you mean?’ Ruby’s sharp mind lasered straight to the truth. ‘This has something to do with the doctor’s appointment you had the day before you left, doesn’t it? I knew something had freaked you out. What aren’t you telling me?’
Ella could hear the urgency in Ruby’s voice and knew her friend’s natural tendency to create drama was about to conjure up a terminal illness.
‘Whatever it is, you have to tell me, Ell. We can sort it out. Together. We always have.’
‘Don’t worry, Rube.’ Ella began talking her friend down from the ledge. ‘It’s nothing terrible.’ Or not that terrible.
‘But it does have something to do with the appointment?’
‘Yes.’
‘Which is?’ Ruby’s voice had taken on the stern fear-of-God tone she used with her three children, which instantly made them confess to any and all infractions.
Ella knew she wouldn’t last two seconds under that kind of interrogation. Even from four thousand miles away. ‘Dr Patel took some tests. I’ll get the results on Monday.’ She blew out a breath, the hollow pressure that had dragged down her stomach a week ago feeling as if it had become a black hole. ‘But given my mum’s history and the fact that I haven’t had a period now in over three months, she thinks I might be going into premature menopause.’
‘Okay,’ Ruby said carefully. ‘But it’s just a possibility? Nothing’s certain yet?’
Ella shook her head, the black hole starting to choke her. ‘I’m pretty certain.’
She’d done something cowardly in her teens, that she’d always believed she would be punished for one day. And sitting in Myra Patel’s office, listening to her GP discuss the possible diagnoses, the prospect of a premature menopause had been both devastating, and yet somehow hideously fitting.
She placed her hand on her abdomen to try and contain the hollowness in her womb, and stop it seeping out and invading her whole body. ‘I’ve left it too late, Ruby. I’m not going to be able to have children.’
‘You don’t know any such thing. Not until you get the tests back. And even if it is premature menopause, a couple of missed periods isn’t suddenly going to make you infertile.’
She did know, she’d known ever since she was eighteen and she’d come round from the anaesthesia in the clinic to find Randall gone. She didn’t deserve to be a mother, because the one time she’d had the chance she’d given it up to please a guy who hadn’t given a hoot about her.
‘I suppose you’re right,’ she said, humouring Ruby.
‘Of course I am. You’re not allowed to go the full drama until you get the results. Is that understood?’
‘Right.’ Her lips wrinkled, as she found some small measure of humour in having Ruby be the one to talk her off the ledge for a change.
‘Now.’ Ruby gave an exasperated sigh. ‘I want to know why you didn’t tell me about this? Instead of giving me all that cryptic nonsense about finding a guy to shag.’
‘I never said shag.’ Or at least she was fairly sure she hadn’t.
‘Don’t change the subject. Why didn’t you tell me about this before? Instead of running off to Bermuda?’
It was a valid question, because they’d always shared everything—secret crushes, first kisses, how best to fake an orgasm, even the disastrous end to her college romance with Randall, and Ruby’s rocky road to romance with the sexy barrister who’d rear-ended her car on a Camden street seven years ago and turned out to be her one true love. But Ella still didn’t know how to answer it.
‘I just couldn’t.’ Her voice broke, and a tear escaped. One of the ones she’d been holding captive for over a week.
‘Why couldn’t you?’ Ruby probed, refusing to let it go.
‘I guess I was feeling shocked and panicky and inadequate...’ She sucked in a breath, forcing herself to face the truth. ‘And horribly jealous. Of the fact that you have such a wonderful family and three beautiful children and I may never have any.’ She let the breath out. There, she’d said it. ‘I felt so ashamed to be envious of you. Because everything you have with Cal and the kids, you’ve worked for and you deserve.’
The self-pitying tears were flowing freely now. She brushed them away with the heel of her hand. Hoping Ruby couldn’t hear the hiccoughs in her breathing. ‘I couldn’t bear for this to come between us in any way.’
‘That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.’
‘Why?’ The question came out on a tortured sob.
‘Well, for starters, you don’t want Cal. He’s far too uptight and bossy for you. His insistence on being right about everything would make you lose the will to live within a week.’
‘Cal’s not uptight and bossy. He’s lovely.’ Ella jumped in to defend Ruby’s husband, whom she adored, if only in a purely platonic sense—because he actually was a little bossy.
‘Only because he’s got me to unwind him on a regular basis, and boss him about back,’ Ruby replied. ‘But more to the point.’ Her voice sobered, the jokey tone gone. ‘You don’t want my kids, you want your own. And if I deserve my little treasures—not that Ally and Max were particularly treasurable this morning when they decided to declare World War Three on each other using their Weetabix as nuclear warheads—then you certainly do.’
Do I?
The question echoed in her head, but she didn’t voice it, Ruby’s passionate defence counteracting at least some of the guilt that had been haunting her for over a week.
‘You’re going to make an incredible mum one day,’ Ruby added with complete conviction. ‘And, if you have to, there are lots of possible ways of achieving that.’
‘How do you mean?’
‘You know, like artificial insemination, IVF, donor eggs, surrogacy, adoption, that sort of thing.’
Ruby’s matter-of-fact response shrank a little of the black hole in her belly. She hadn’t considered any of those options yet, the prospect of infertility too shocking to get past. But why shouldn’t she? If the worst came to the worst and Myra’s diagnosis was correct?
‘I guess you’re right, I hadn’t really—’
‘But frankly,’ Ruby interrupted, ‘I think we’re getting the cart before the stallion here.’
‘Excuse me?’
‘Ella, your biggest problem when it comes to having a child of your own is not the possibility of a premature menopause. It’s the fact that every guy you’ve been out with since that tosser in college has been so mind-numbingly dull even I couldn’t be bothered to flirt with them.’
Ella frowned, picturing the handful of guys she’d dated in the last decade. And realised that Ruby’s outrageous statement might not actually be all that far off the mark—because she couldn’t recall a single one of them with any degree of clarity.
When had dating become such an effort? And sex such a chore?
Was that why she’d had a rush of blood to the head at Cooper’s casual suggestion of a drink later? Flirting with him had been exciting, exhilarating, and yet she’d totally freaked out when he’d offered her the chance to take it further.
What was that about? She was thirty-four, for goodness’ sake, not ninety.
‘The thing is, Ella,’ Ruby continued, ‘I know sexual chemistry isn’t everything in a relationship—and Randall the dickhead is a case in point.’
Ella winced at hearing Randall’s name spoken aloud—a name they’d both avoided speaking for sixteen years. But the gaping wound her college boyfriend had caused—which she’d believed then would fester for the rest of her life—had scabbed over in the years since. Because the mention of his name didn’t hurt any more; it only made her feel ashamed, that she’d fallen for him so easily, mistaken a couple of really spectacular orgasms for love, and then let him bulldoze her into doing something she would later regret.
‘But sometimes chemistry can come in very handy, if you need a serious pick–me-up in the dating department,’ Ruby continued. ‘Which brings us right back to Captain Studly from your snorkel tour.’
Didn’t it just?
‘So tell me again,’ Ruby continued. ‘Why exactly can’t you take him up on his offer of a date?’
‘Because I’m not entirely sure he meant it.’
‘And why would you think that? Talk me through it.’
‘Well, he asked me if I’d like to hook up for a drink at this local hang-out after he finished work at seven and I panicked.’ She’d chickened out, because Cooper Delaney had been more man than she’d had the guts to handle in a very long time—it all seemed so obvious now. ‘And then I had to get off the boat, because he was busy. But it was all very casual, and we never agreed on anything specific.’
Even if the memory of Cooper’s offer of a date thrilled her now, instead of terrifying her, the memory of his face, closed off and impassive, when she’d said that final goodbye wasn’t far behind.
‘Did this local hang-out have a name?’ Ruby probed.
‘No, but I think...’ She searched her memory; hadn’t he told her where it was? ‘Half-Moon Cove.’ The location echoed in her head in his deep American accent. ‘He mentioned it was on the south side of Half-Moon Cove.’
‘Fantastic. That’s all we need.’
‘It is?’
‘Yes, now shut up and listen to Auntie Ruby.’ Ruby paused, and the tickle of excitement in Ella’s belly began to buzz as if she were being stroked by the vibrator. ‘Captain Studly most definitely did invite you on a date. Time and location are all the specifics you need. And you are flipping well going to go on it.’
‘But what if—?’
‘No buts.’ Ruby cut her off. ‘It’s way past time Ella Radley started dating the sort of man candy that might actually have some hope of exciting her enough to get her past first base.’
‘I’ve been past first base in the past decade,’ she said, indignantly—even if she couldn’t remember the events in any great detail. ‘But I don’t think—’
‘Uh-uh-uh, didn’t you hear the “no buts” stipulation?’ Ruby paused, but not long enough for Ella to form a suitable response. ‘That goes hand in hand with the “no panicking” initiative. If you feel yourself starting to hyperventilate because Captain Studly is too Studly, just think of him as a test run. You need to get your flirt on, Ella, and he sounds like the perfect guy to practise on.’
And just like that, the buzz in Ella’s belly sank even lower and became a definite hum.
FOUR (#uc7b533c5-be73-5780-b283-1d1b0d6cff9e)
‘You sure you’re okay here, ma’am? The Rum Runner isn’t much for the tourists, just a local hang-out. I could take you to some nice places in Hamilton, where the cruise ships dock, no extra charge?’
‘No, thank you, this is perfect, Earl.’ Exhilaration fluttered in Ella’s chest as she stepped out of the cab and surveyed the ramshackle bar at the end of the rutted beach road.
The twinkle of fairy lights on weathered wood added enchantment to the haphazard structure, which stood drunkenly, mounted on stilts over the water, as if it had downed one too many rum punches. The scent of the sea freshened the cloud of smoke and sweat as the customers spilled out of the saloon-style doors. The densely packed crowd smoked and chatted on the porch, while she could see couples dancing inside past the tables, swinging and swaying to the infectious soca beat, making the boardwalk pound beneath her sandals.
‘You’re sure this is the only place on the south side of Half-Moon Cove?’ She handed Earl, her taxi driver, his fare and a generous tip through the cab window.
‘Uh-huh.’ Unlike Cooper, he sent her a wide smile as he tucked the money into the top pocket of his Hawaiian shirt. ‘Cove’s yonder.’ He nodded towards a wide beach that began past the rocks at the end of the country road.
Edged by palm trees and vines and curving round the headland into the darkness, the cove lived up to its name, looking impossibly romantic as moonlight shimmered off the gently lapping surf.
‘Ain’t no other bars down here that I know of.’ Pulling a card out of his pocket, he handed it to her. ‘You give Earl a call when you need to get back. Not much traffic this way.’
After waving him off and watching the cab lights bounce out of sight down the unpaved road, she slipped the card into her bag, and slung the strap over her shoulder. Then she sucked in a fortifying breath and let it out in a rush.
Whether or not Cooper was here, she intended to enjoy herself. Ruby had given her the pep talk to end all pep talks, back at the hotel.
It was way past time she started living again, took the power back and charted her own course when it came to choosing the men she dated. And stopped boring herself to death with safe and secure and invited a little danger in. Bermuda with its colourful, chaotic nightlife and studly boat captains had to be the perfect place to start. Not least because if tonight went tits up, this particular dating disaster wouldn’t be able to follow her home.
Ruby’s words of dating wisdom had bolstered her courage as she’d showered, and waxed, and moisturised, and primped and perfumed. After far too much debate, she’d picked out an understated ensemble of skinny pedal-pusher jeans, heeled sandals and a lace-edged camisole. She’d pinned up her unruly hair, and plastered on a lot more make-up than she usually wore—as per Ruby’s specific instructions—then dug out her favourite waterfall earrings and the cascade of cheap but cheerful bracelets she’d bought at Camden Market two weeks ago to complete the outfit.
The simple ritual of getting ready had helped temper her terror with a heady cocktail of excitement and anticipation.
Edging past the people milling around on the porch, she made her way to the bar. She’d have a couple of drinks and then, if Cooper didn’t show, she could always ring Earl back and call it a night. At least she would have got to see something of the island before leaving.
The Rum Runner had a funky, relaxed vibe that reminded her of Sol’s Salsa Joint on Camden Lock where Ruby and she and their wide circle of friends had once congregated on a Friday night to kick back after the working week. Ruby didn’t go out much any more because of the kids, and most of their other friends had settled down and/or moved away in the last few years, so she’d slowly stopped going to Sol’s too, but she’d always loved to dance and it occurred to her she’d missed the weekly ritual.
Her hips swung in time to the blast of horns and the fast infectious drum beat as the band on the stage in the far corner went into another number. She grinned as she wound her way through the packed tables—the soca rhythm an irresistible blend of joy and seduction—and felt the optimism that had always been so much a part of her personality seep back into her soul.
Slipping past a group of loudly dressed guys at the bar, she smiled back when one of them touched his beer bottle to his forehead in a silent salute.
‘What’ll it be, miz?’ a barman addressed her once she had managed to inch past the crush of people and found a spot to rest her elbows on the bar. The thin layer of sweat on his dark skin made the red ink of the snake tattoo on his bicep glisten.
She tapped her toe to the bass guitar riff while checking out the names of the drinks scrawled on the chalkboard behind him—only a few of which she recognised. ‘What would you recommend?’
‘For you?’ The lilting Caribbean accent matched the friendly twinkle in the barman’s café-au-lait-coloured eyes. ‘Only a Rum Swizzle will do.’
‘That sounds wonderful.’ She had absolutely no clue what that was. But tonight Ella Radley was on a mission, to get her flirt on and set it free. And for that, a Rum Swizzle sounded like just the ticket.
He returned a few minutes later and presented her with a tall icy glass of tangerine-coloured liquid, garnished with a chunk of pineapple, a swirl of orange peel and a maraschino cherry. She took a sip and the potent flavour of rum, fruit juice and liquor zinged off her tastebuds. So that was why they called it a Swizzle.
‘Delicious,’ she shouted over the music. ‘How much do I owe you?’
‘Not a thing.’ A gold tooth winked in the pearly white of his smile. ‘Your first Rum Swizzle in my place is always on the house.’
‘You own this bar?’
He nodded. ‘Sure do.’
A shot of adrenaline rushed through her to add to the hit from the rum. And Ruby’s voice seemed to whisper in her ear.
Above all be bold—and seize the initiative—flirting is much more fun if you own it.
‘Do you know a guy called Cooper Delaney?’
‘Coop? Sure I know Coop. What do you want him for?’ He sounded a bit put out. ‘That boy’s nothing but trouble.’
That was what she was counting on, she thought, the adrenaline more intoxicating than the Swizzle. She took another fortifying sip of the delicious concoction. ‘Is he likely to be in tonight, do you think?’
She heard the eagerness in her tone but didn’t care if it made her sound tarty. Discovering her inner flirt would be so much easier with a guy she already knew could make her hormones wake up and jiggle. And considering they’d been in hibernation, like, for ever, she needed all the help she could get.
The bartender’s gaze was drawn to something past her shoulder. ‘Yeah, he’ll be in tonight.’
