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‘…startled by his furry shorts!’
Louise Rennison
Sound the Cosmic Horn! Bestselling author Louise Rennison’s seventh book of the confessions of crazy but loveable teenager Georgia Nicolson is out in EB!Why did I admit I wanted Masimo to be my proper boyfriend? Why?• One minute he was snogging me, and then the next he was snogging Wet Lindsay, stick insect and drip.• Perhaps I should tell him he can go out with her as well as me…• But then I might snog him after she has snogged him, which would mean I have practically snogged her!!! Erlack!• I would rather snog my cat, Angus!• He has certainly got nicer legs… Well, more of them anyway.Georgia is on the ‘rack of luuurve’ once more… Will Masimo the Italian Stallion agree to be her one and only boyfriend? How does she really feel about her old friend and lip-nibbling partner Dave the Laugh? And has Robbie the Sex God really gone for good?You’ll laugh with her and cry with her – follow Georgia’s hilarious antics as she desperately tries to muddle her way through teenage life.
Copyright (#u81d3aa9c-6b9e-5d53-91e9-9db6a61f8288)
HarperCollins Children’s Books An imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd. 1 London Bridge Street London SE1 9GF
www.harpercollins.co.uk (http://www.harpercollins.co.uk)
First published in Great Britain in hardback by HarperCollins Children’s Books in 2006
First published in Great Britain in paperback by HarperCollins Children’s Books in 2007
Copyright © Louise Rennison 2006
The author asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work
A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this ebook on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins ebooks
HarperCollinsPublishers has made every reasonable effort to ensure that any picture content or written content in this ebook has been included or removed in accordance with the contractual or technological constraints in operation at the time of publication
Source ISBN: 9780007222094
Ebook Edition © JUNE 2008 ISBN: 9780007279029
Version: 2017-08-18
Contents
Title Page (#uafabb55a-0150-53a7-ba61-61568181d71e)Copyright (#u1be40b33-9ed3-54d6-b711-bd2ec35fce3c)In Memory And Love Of Dezza The Vicar. (#udfdc9972-eaaf-5419-8609-afa87fb8bbaa)A Note From Georgia (#uee0289cc-fedf-595b-8f04-69ccdd28f516)Living In Fiasco Land (#uc4ece2b7-735f-5f93-9ebe-3231735b3f58)On The Brink Of Madnosity (#litres_trial_promo)Back In The Cake Shop Of Agony (#litres_trial_promo)Girdey Loins (#litres_trial_promo)Mate Of The Century (#litres_trial_promo)MacPants (#litres_trial_promo)Georgia's Glossary (#litres_trial_promo)Keep Reading (#litres_trial_promo)About the Author (#litres_trial_promo)Also by the Author (#litres_trial_promo)About the Publisher (#litres_trial_promo)
In memory and love of Dezza the Vicar. (#u81d3aa9c-6b9e-5d53-91e9-9db6a61f8288)
Big luuurve to my family and friends, old and new. (Look, I'm not saying some of you are old, I'm just saying that some of you are newer than others… er… but not in a less old way. Oh, look, I just love you, right?)
Enormous panty-splitting thanks to my editors and publicists and designers and sales people at HarperCollins in Billy Shakespeare land and Hamburger-a-gogo land.
Thanks as always to the Empress.
But mostly thank you to my lovely, lovely readers (which now even include some vatis, which is a bit alarming).
A Note from Georgia (#u81d3aa9c-6b9e-5d53-91e9-9db6a61f8288)
Dear worldwide Chums and Chumettes,
(Hang on a minute, when I say “worldwide” I don't mean “enormously fat”, I merely mean internationalwise.) Where was I before you got the wrong end of the stick? Oh yes, do you know how much I love you all? A LOT. That is how much. I do, it is le fact. Why else would I spend so much time rifling through my creative drawers (oo-er) writing another diary?
Actually, as I say to anyone who will listen (i. e., no one), I am practically a saint in human form. But there’s very little thanks in it. For instance, the other day I helped a little old lady across the road. I didn't have to. In fact, I was in a tearing dash on my way to get new lip gloss. But I did, and do you know what she did? She hit me with her umbrella! She said she didn't want to cross the road, she was waiting for her friend to pick her up to go pole dancing!!!
That is the kind of world we live in.
The elderly insane, like Elvis Attwood, parents, etc., say that young people only care about lipstick and snogging. I say hahahaha. If they would take the trouble to read works of geniosity like mine, they would soon realise that we do many useful and creative things. Who invented the terms “piddly-diddly department” and “pooparlour division” that are used in schools all over the world? Before I bothered to invent “nunga-nungas”, what fools we felt calling our breasty substances, er… breasts.
Do you see?
I think you do.
Goodbye and God bless you all.
And also S’laters.
Georgia
p.s. And I invented nervy b. and f.t. and so on.
p.p.s. And the Viking disco inferno dance.
p.p.p.s. I could go on but I feel slightly tired with
creativitosity and I may… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Living in Fiasco land (#u81d3aa9c-6b9e-5d53-91e9-9db6a61f8288)
Saturday June 18th
9:00 p.m.
I can’t believe I am once more on the rack of romance.
And also in the oven of luuurve.
And possibly on my way to the bakery of pain.
And maybe even going to stop along the way to get a little cake at the cake shop of agony.
Shut up, brain. Shut up.
Looking out of my bedroom window at the stars
9:01 p.m.
It says in my Meditation for the Very Backward book that it is soothing looking at the universe and stars and everything.
Ommmm.
9:03 p.m.
The meditation book is wrong. God, stars are annoying. Winking and blinking like twinkly idiots. Why are they so cheerful?
9:03 p.m. and a half
I’ll tell you why they are so cheerful: because they are not me. They know nothing of the call of the Horn and snogging. Has a Luuurve God ever said to one of them, “I will let you know in a week’s time if I want to go out with you or not”? No.
Anyway, what are stars for actually? You can’t even read by them. They just hang about. Like dim torches.
9:04 p.m.
Hanging about is not exactly a job, is it?
9:05 p.m.
I am not as such feeling any calmer.
9:10 p.m.
Being in the bakery of pain is vair vair boring. Ten past nine on a Saturday night and I am in my bedroom. Alone. I am in the prime of my – er – hornosity and joie de vivre and nothing is going on. Nothing.
It’s like a grave in this house. I…
Oh good, my darling little sister has kicked open my door and flung my cat Angus at me.
“HEGGGGOOO, Gingey!!! We is back. Heggo!!! Watch my panties dance. Sex bum, sex bum, am a sex bum!!!”
Oh dear Gott in Himmel. Angus was livid at being thrown, and once he’d stopped doing that cat sneezing and shaking thing he dug his claws into my ankle. Owwwwwww. Now I’m on the way to the cake shop of aggers with a gammy leg. Hurray!
Libby put her frock over her head and waggled her botty around like a pole dancer. Where does she see people doing these things?
They’ve just come back from the lunatic asylum, i.e., Grandad’s sheltered housing, so it will be something she has seen there. I’ve seen the residents in their so-called communal lounge. They pretend to play dominoes, but secretly they practise being mad. And probably prance around in their incontinence knickers.
Then Mum came mumming in and scooped up Bibbs. “Time for Boboland, young lady.”
Libby carried on singing and wiggling around in Mum’s arms, and then Mum noticed me. Being in my bedroom.
“What are you up to, Georgia? Why are you in here?”
I said, “Not that anyone notices, but this is actually my room. You know, for me to be in. I was in bed, as it happens.”
Mum said as she went out, “Oh, you must be sooo tired, all that lip gloss and mascara to carry round all day.”
Vair vair amusing. Not.
9:25 p.m.
I’ve been in my bedroom for more or less twenty-four hours, give or take snack and loo breaks. Oh, and a quick visit to the shops for essentials. Mascara and a new nunganunga holder. And a copy of Cosmo. It is more than twenty-four hours since Masimo left me at my door saying he would let me know if he wanted me to be his girlfriend or not. Why did I admit I wanted him to be like my proper boyfriend? Why why?
9:26 p.m.
And also thrice why? Why why why? Why couldn’t I have just been a callous sophisticate? I could for once have just shut up and been all full of casualosity and savoir whatsit.
9:30 p.m.
If I’d played my cards right I could have had loads of boyfriends. All at the same time. Masimo the Italian Stallion for a weekendy boyfriend, with a touch of Dave the Laugh (oo-er) for a rainy weekday. And also maybe even the former Sex God (whose name I’m not going to mention even beyond the grave) as a sort of Kiwi-a-gogo airmail boyfriend. But, oh no, I had to moan on about wanting to be Masimo’s one and only.
9:40 p.m.
I was so happy snogging Masimo under the stars on our date. Stars didn’t get on my nerves then. Nothing did.
9:42 p.m.
How come I am living in Fiasco land again? One minute he was snogging me under the twinkly twits, and then the next he is off to Late and Live with Wet Lindsay, stick insect and drip.
I am haunted by old Droopy Drawers. First she enticed you know who, whose name I will never mention even beyond the grave, but as a clue his name starts with “R” and ends in “obbie”. Now she has slimed her way around Masimo. I hate her, I hate her.
But that is life in a nutshell, isn’t it? Well, mine anyway – all fabby and marvy and then all pooey and merde.
9:45 p.m.
What was it Charlie Dickens said in his famous book Oliver Twit? Ah, yes, “Forsooth and lack a day all ye worlde is-eth a stage and verily we-eth are players in-eth it. Gadzooks.” Or was that Billy Shakespeare?
Who knows? Who cares? What does it mean, anyway? And why do none of those beardy Elizabethan types know how to speak proper English?
What does anything mean?
Midnight
Oh, I can’t bear this. How many hours will it be until Masimo tells me his answer? Perhaps I should phone him and tell him that I didn’t mean what I said about him being my one and only one. I could say that he can go out with Wet Lindsay as well, as long as he likes me too.
12:10 a.m.
But then I might snog him after she has snogged him, and that would mean I have practically snogged her. No one could live with that.
12:20 a.m.
I would rather snog Angus.
12:26 a.m.
I bet Angus is a much better snogger than her. Much better.
12:30 a.m.
He has certainly got nicer legs.
12:31 a.m.
Well, more of them, anyway.
