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‘Knocked out by my nunga-nungas.’
Louise Rennison
Brilliantly funny, Louise Rennison’s fabby third book on the confessions of crazy but lovable Georgia Nicolson. Guaranteed to have the nation laughing their knickers off!Jas said, "Well, what happened?"And I said, "Well, it was beyond marvy. We talked and snogged and then he made me a sandwich and we snogged and then he played me a record and then we snogged.""So it was like…""Yeah… a snogging fest.""Sacré bleu!"Jas looked like she was thinking which is a) unusual and b) scary.I said, "But then this weird thing happened. He had his hands on my waist, standing behind me.""Oo-er…""D-accord. Anyway, I turned round and he sort of leaped out of the way like two short leaping things.""Was he dancing?""No… I think he was frightened of being knocked out by my nunga-nungas…"Then we both laughed like loons on loon tablets (i.e. A LOT).
Copyright (#u01b6aa52-3495-5569-b17c-f3d5a9aa5c83)
HarperCollins Children’s Books An imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd. 1 London Bridge Street London SE1 9GF
www.harpercollins.co.uk (http://www.harpercollins.co.uk)
First published in Great Britain by Piccadilly Press Ltd 2001
Published by Scholastic Ltd 2002
This edition published by HarperCollins Children’s Books 2006
Copyright © Louise Rennison 2001
The author asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this ebook on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins ebooks
HarperCollinsPublishers has made every reasonable effort to ensure that any picture content and written content in this ebook has been included or removed in accordance with the contractual and technological constraints in operation at the time of publication
Source ISBN: 9780007218691
Ebook Edition © MARCH 2011 ISBN: 9780007397327
Version: 2017-01-11
Dedication (#ulink_c10b59ac-3847-5447-8720-1c565be89cba)
With love and thanks to my family – Mutti and Vati, Sophie and John, Kimmy and, of course, the magnificent three – Eduardo Delfonso Delgardo, Honor and Libbsy. To the Kiwi-a-gogo branch of the family and also in memory of Eth and Ted. Again I would like to thank my fab mates for not killing me. You know who you are: Pip “What an exciting conversion” Pringle, Jeddbox, Jimjams, Elton, Jools and the Mogul, Lozzer, Bobbins, Porky Morgan, Geff “Guildford calling”, Jo Good, Tony the Frock, Jenkins the Pen, Philip K, Kim and Sandy, Baggy Aggiss, Cock of the North and family, all my old school mates – Barbara D, Sheila R and Rosie M, etc., and thank you to Black Dog the captain. To the fabulous St Nick’s support group, in particular Aunti Haze and Doug. To the Natural Health Centre. Especial thanks again to Piccadilly – to the lovely Brenda and Jude, and Margot for selling me to Europe … and in particular to Germany: having a book called Frontal Knutschen is a marvellous thing. To my new mates at Scholastic – Nyree, and Kirsty and Gavin. And huge thanks to the truly marvy Clare Alexander and the quietly magnificent Gillon Aitken.
Contents
Cover (#ue0925545-c45e-5167-accf-4474075f87b1)
Title Page (#u8c7e80c6-43a9-5329-8ba4-992da91139f1)
Copyright
Dedication (#ue1cdcdf3-479e-5018-8ddc-48518e50dcd5)
Return of the loonleader
Snog Fest
Away laughing on a fast camel
Big red bottomosity
Trouser snakes-a-go-go
Fish party
Keep Reading (#litres_trial_promo)
Georgia’s Glossary
Preview
About the Author
Other Books By
About the Publisher
Return of the loonleader (#u01b6aa52-3495-5569-b17c-f3d5a9aa5c83)
Thursday October 21st1:00 p.m.
Looking out of my bedroom window, counting my unblessings. Raining. A lot. It’s like living fully dressed in a pond. And I am the prisoner of whatsit.
I have to stay in my room, pretending to have tummy lurgy, so that Dad will not know I am an ostracised leper banned from Stalag 14 (i.e. suspended from school). I’m not alone in my room, though, because my cat Angus is also under house arrest for his love romps with Naomi the Burmese sex kitten.
2:00 p.m.
They’ll be doing PE now.
I never thought the day would come when I would long to hear Miss Stamp (Sports Oberführer and part-time lesbian) say, “Right, girls, into your PE knickers!”
But it has.
3.30 p.m.
All the Ace Gang will be thinking about the walk home from school.
Applying a touch of lippy. A hint of nail polish. Maybe even mascara because it is RE and Miss Wilson can’t even control her tragic 70s hairdo let alone a class. Rosie said she was going to test Miss Wilson’s sanity by giving herself a face mask in class and see if Miss Wilson has a nervy spaz.
Jas will be practising her pouting in case she bumps into Tom.
3:50 p.m.
How come Jas got off with cloakroom duty and I got banned? I am a whatsit … a scapethingy.
4.10 p.m.
Robbie the Sex God (MY NEW BOYFRIEND!!! Yesss and three times yesss!!!!!) will be going home from college now. Walking along in a Sex Goddy sort of way. A walking snogging machine.
4.30 p.m.
Mutti came in.
“Right, you can start making your startling recovery now, Georgia.”
Oh cheers. Thanks a lot. Goodnight. Just because Elvis Attwood, school caretaker from Planet of the Loons, tripped over his own wheelbarrow (when I told him Jas was on fire) I am banned from school.
Mutti rambled on, although she makes very little sense since Vati got home.
“It’s your own fault, you antagonise him and now you are paying the price.”
Yeah yeah, rave on.
4.45 p.m.
Phoned Jas.
“Jas.”
“Oh, hi Gee.”
“Why didn’t you phone me?”
“You’re phoning me. I would have got the engaged tone.”
“Jas, please don’t annoy me, I’ve only been speaking to you for two seconds.”
“I’m not annoying you.”
“Wrong.”
“Well, I’ve only said about two words to you.”
“That’s enough.”
Silence.
“Jas?”
Silence.
“Jas … what are you doing?”
“I’m not annoying you.”
She drives me to the brink of madnosity. Still, I really needed to speak to her, so I went on. “It’s really crap at home. I almost wish I hadn’t been banned from school. How was Stalag 14? Any goss?”
“No, just the usual. Nauseating P. Green smashed a chair to smithereens and back.”
“Really?! Was she fighting with it?”
“No, she was sitting on it having her lunch. It was the jumbo-sized Mars bar that did it. The Bummer Twins started singing “Who ate all the pies?” to her but Slim, our beloved headmistress, heard them and gave us a lecture about mocking the unfortunate.”
“Were her chins going all jelloid?”
“Yeah. In fact it was Chin City.”
“Fantastic. Are you all missing me? Did anyone talk about me or anything?”
“No, not really.”
Charming. Jas has a lot of good qualities though, qualities you need in a bestest pal. Qualities like, for instance, going out with the brother of a Sex God. I said, “Has Hunky – I mean, Tom – mentioned anything that Robbie has said about me?”
“Erm … let me think.”
Then there was this slurp slurp noise.
She was making slurping noises.
“Jas, what are you eating?”
“I’m sucking my pen top so I can think better.”
Bloody sacré bleu, I have got le idiot for a pal. Forty-nine centuries of pen-sucking later she said, “No, he hasn’t said anything.”
7:00 p.m.
Why hasn’t Robbie mentioned me? Hasn’t he got snogging withdrawal?
8:00 p.m.
I can hear Vati singing “If I Ruled the World”. Good Lord. I have only just recovered from a very bad bout of pretend lurgy. He has no consideration for others.
8:05 p.m.
The worsterosity of it is that the Loonleader (my vati) has returned from Kiwi-a-gogo land and I thought he would be there for ages. But sadly life was against me and he has returned. Not content with that he has insisted we all go to Och-aye land to “bond” on a family holiday.
But … na-na-na-na-na and who-gives-two-short-flying-pigs’-botties? because I live in Love Heaven.
Lalalalalalala.
I am the girlfriend of a Sex God!!!
Yesss!!! Result!!!!
8:15 p.m.
The Sex God said I should phone him from Scotland when I go up there. But there is a fly in his ointment … I am not going to Scotland!!!
